


Distance

by Vorcha_Girl



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Declarations Of Love, Dom/sub, Drama & Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Light Dom/sub, Love, Love Confessions, Romance, Smut, True Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-14
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2018-02-25 08:30:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 50
Words: 150,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2615129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vorcha_Girl/pseuds/Vorcha_Girl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thrown back together when the Reapers attack, Shepard and Kaidan are still very much in love, but they struggle to reconnect and bridge the distance that has grown between them. </p><p>A romance that follows their journey through ME3 as they try to put their fears and inhibitions behind them and say those three little words to each other. (Cover Art by Sathynae)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> __  
> 
> 
>   
> 
> 
>   
> 

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N - This fic was a request by the beautiful QueenFreckles who asked me to listen to the song Distance by Christina Perri and write a song about Kaidan and Shepard struggling to reconnect. It was a gorgeous song and I instantly fell in love with the idea. A big shout out must go to tlcinbflo who helped me come up with a context for this fic and went out of her way to help me develop my idea - she is awesome.**

**I will be updating weekly and the fic will switch POV between Kaidan and Shepard. I hope you all enjoy it. Feedback and reviews are always appreciated and much loved. Please enjoy!**

* * *

Gina Shepard paused outside of the Normandy's shuttle and drew in a deep, steadying breath as she waited for her team. The nightmarish events of the day flashed through her mind in a sickening blur of terrified screams, billowing smoke and the god-awful piercing howl of the Reapers, and with a frustrated growl she curled her hand into a fist and smashed it against the side of the shuttle. Thinking about the people left behind on Earth and the horrors they were facing wasn't healthy, but every time she closed her eyes it was all she could see.

How could she forget the sight of the cannibal reaper troops savagely tearing into bodies on the street, consuming the bloodied chunks of meat they tore from the dead? She couldn't even clear the cloying scent of burnt human flesh form her nose, or chase the bitter taste of ozone and dust from her tongue. Adrenaline surged through her as she saw the searing red light of the reaper's beam in her minds eye and heard the agonised shrieks of the soldiers as they burned ...

_No!_

Shepard took another deep breath to calm herself and ignored the faint shiver along her skin as Kaidan brushed by her and made his way into the shuttle. The unfairness of the situation rankled her no end; Mars lay only minutes ahead and there was no choice but to bring _him_ along on her team. Her stomach churned nervously at the thought of working with Kaidan and she angrily swallowed the fear back down.

Kaidan made her heart ache and she despised him for it. She hated that even after he'd severed ties and walked away on Horizon she still remembered the warmth of his lips on hers and the scent of his aftershave as he held her close. _Dammit. It wasn't fair!_ He'd moved on with his life! Why the hell couldn't she do the same thing? How could she fight alongside of him when her body still burned for his touch?

_Fool_! Shepard condemned herself angrily as she strode across the threshold and sealed the hatch. A gentle hum instantly flickered to life along her skin as her biotics reacted to Kaidan's presence, but she steadfastly ignored it. Once the delicate prickling sensation had driven her wild, now it was a reminder of all she'd lost.

And if she were honest with herself, what she hated most about Kaidan Alenko's presence on the Normandy, was that she didn't hate him at all.

Sighing, she turned to find him standing just inside the door, his brows creased in thought, and her eyes helplessly slid down his tall muscular form encased in the Alliance heavy armour. It looked good on him, too good, and an ache of loneliness and nostalgia stirred in her chest. Kaidan looked as handsome as ever and his new found confidence suited him. If only things were different and she'd been there with him to share his adventures like they'd planned.

She flicked her gaze back up and her sea-green eyes clashed with his. Something flitted through his gaze, something that looked like longing, but it vanished before she could be sure.

Tucking a curl of her vibrant red hair behind her ear, Shepard nodded at him politely and slipped past him to the front of the shuttle, determined not to look back even though she desperately wanted to. James glanced up with a nod as she moved to stand beside the pilot's seat, his hands busy at the controls. With a slight jolt, the docking bay doors slid open and he capably directed the shuttle out of the main hanger on a descent to Mars.

"Good job, Lieutenant."

She clapped James on the shoulder, grateful to have him on the Normandy along with Kaidan. His support and friendship during her time on Earth had kept her sane, and she was keen to see if his prowess in battle lived up to his brags and tall tales. Besides which, James made being here with Kaidan a little easier. It was difficult being alone with her former lover, and James was a good buffer.

"Shepard?" EDI's voice purred over the com. "The Mars outpost appears to be online, however I have been trying to raise them without success."

Gina nodded and pushed away from the console. "Thanks EDI. Hopefully it's just a downed transponder and not a full scale Reaper attack on the facility."

She hooked her breather helmet to her belt and forced herself to walk back into the troop deck. Almost against her will, her gaze zeroed in on Kaidan, her eyes unconsciously vulnerable as she watched him. It didn't feel that long ago that she and Kaidan had been friends and lovers, but what felt like months for her was years for him. The distance yawned between them like a deep dark chasm, and she didn't have the first clue about how to broach that expanse, or even if she should.

When he'd called her name outside the Defense Committee and she turned to see him watching her, her broken heart had fluttered feebly in her chest and she'd known she was still head over heels for him. If only she'd had the guts to to tell him how she felt, that she missed him and loved him, but it hadn't been the time or the place. Not with the ghost of Horizon was stilling hanging over their heads.

Still, she was certain she'd seen something sad and lonely in his eyes as he'd watched her ...

Maybe she was reading too much into it; Kaidan feelings were crystal clear on Horizon and his followup message served to crush any lingering hope. Why bother holding onto hope for a man who had moved on? Dreaming about what might be, especially with the gaping chasm between them, was a foolish endeavor. But she'd fallen for him hard during their pursuit of Saren, and death hadn't changed her heart.

"Shepard." Kaidan's beautiful amber eyes focused on her with an intensity that stole her breath away. "What do you think we'll find on Mars?"

She shrugged and tore her gaze from his, still unsure of what she could see in his face. "I'm not sure, but Hackett said it was a way to stop the reapers, and if Liara is there researching it, it must be important."

"Liara. I haven't seen her since your …" there was an awkward pause and he let out a painful sounding sigh. He spoke again after a moment, his voice rough with emotion, "since your memorial."

The sadness in his voice tore at her heart and Shepard met his eyes, registering his pain as he remembered losing her. Did Kaidan still feel anything for her? Or was it only her memory that he mourned? She so badly wanted to reach out and touch his hand, to bridge that distance between them and find out one way or the other how he felt about her.

"We're almost there," James interrupted them as the shuttle began to buffet about in the Martian winds and he brought them in low over the facility. "We've got a huge storm heading our way."

Shepard felt the connection between herself and Kaidan sever at Vega's interruption, and she stood up as soon as shuttle touched down. She slipped her breather helmet over her head, aware of Kaidan doing the same in her peripheral vision. James came striding from the front of the shuttle, his huge frame dwarfing both of them as he retrieved his assault rifle and stood beside them.

"How long until the storm hits?" She pulled a shotgun down and readied a thermal clip, fighting the urge to watch Kaidan as he opted for an assault rifle.

Vega glanced up as he stowed a handful of grenades in an ammo pocket and shrugged at her. "half an hour tops, then we'll lose contact with the Normandy for sure."

"Let's move quickly then."

Gina opened the hatch and cursed as the wind from the storm front roared into the shuttle like a freight train, slamming into her and almost knowing her over. She staggered back a step and jumped when hands steadied her, one hand on a shoulder and one gently on her hip. A tingle of awareness spread over her skin, and she knew without looking that they were Kaidan's hands. She shivered in her armour as she regained her balance and stepped away, fighting to calm her hammering heart.

James sidled past them and leapt out, scouting the immediate area as Shepard looked back over her shoulder at Kaidan. "Thanks."

"Don't mention it, Shepard."

His face was hidden behind the view plate in his helmet, but the note of satisfaction in his voice sent a pleasant shiver down her spine. Shepard looked at him for a moment longer and then jumped from the shuttle, gritting her teeth as she the wind buffeted her, sand and small pebbles rattling against her armour. She didn't know what that tone in his voice meant, but suddenly she felt better than she had in months.

* * *

**A/N - As always, it's my intention to update weekly. In the meantime if you want more Shenko, I have some fluffy oneshots and short Shenko fics which you may enjoy. Feedback is much loved - and I appreciate if you take some time to review and let me know what you thought!**


	2. Chapter 2

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N - A big thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter and who is following along with this fic. It means the world that you guys are reading and enjoying this, and that you took the time out to review! I hope you continue to enjoy this fic!**

* * *

He'd stuffed up.

Kaidan felt the weight of his mistakes every time Shepard looked at him and avoided touching him. He'd screwed up big time, but what had she expected from him on Horizon? He'd been wallowing in guilt for two years, convinced that if he'd disobeyed orders and stayed to help he could have done something to save her life. After two years of grieving, did she really expected him to just drop everything he'd worked for and run off to join Cerberus?

He wished he could forget Horizon. When he'd seen Shepard standing there with her red hair playing in the breeze, the bodies of collectors at her feet, he'd forgotten she was dead and had taken her in his arms. The woman he'd held wasn't a ghost; she was real and she'd held him just as tightly. But reality was a bitch, and relief and happiness faded quickly to fear as he her presence sunk in.

People didn't come back from the dead, and he'd struggled to understand how she was standing in front of him when she'd died over Alchera. Had she faked her death or been in hiding for two years? Was she a clone? It didn't seem possible or plausible that the woman he'd held in his arms was really _his_ Shepard. The Gina he'd loved would never have joined Cerberus.

Even still, after two years of her face haunting his dreams each night, he'd been powerless to control his reaction when he saw her standing in front of him. Drunk at the sight of her, he'd wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms, press his lips to hers and beg her to never leave him again. An impossible dream, so with the iron resolve he'd spent two years building, he squashed down his physical reaction and reminded himself that she was dead.

_Dead._

He wanted it to be Shepard, and the strength of that desire scared him. Even after two years, he was just as hopelessly love with her as ever. All the steps he'd taken to mend his broken heart and move on with his life had been in vain; his heart still beat for her.

It was pathetic! _He_ was pathetic!

The anger helped him come to his senses and he'd looked at her and her companions without letting their past colour his eyes. He was sick with jealousy to see Garrus alongside of her and realised that wherever she'd been, Shepard had gone to the turian _before_ him. The smirking face of the beautiful dark haired woman standing alongside of them hadn't helped matters, and the Cerberus logos on their armour only compounded his rage.

He'd been sent here to protect the Horizon colony from what the Alliance suspected was Cerberus attacks, and instead Cerberus had saved them. Worse still was that Shepard come to his rescue _yet again_ , as though no matter how strong he became, she would always ride up and slay his dragon for him.

Just once, he wanted to be the one to save her!

His frustration mounted as she talked, and when Gina asked him to join Cerberus and come with her, it was the last straw. He was an Alliance solider, and over the past two years he'd put his life back together without her. He'd dedicated himself to be being a better leader, a better officer and a stronger person. His Shepard would have known how futile it was to ask him to betray everything he stood for and join a terrorist organisation.

Was it any wonder that he lost his temper and lashed out, questioning her and her loyalty?

Lashing out was a mistake and he'd known it even as he turned his back and walked away. He'd never have joined her while she was working for Cerberus, but what he said to her that day was unforgivable. If the woman who confronted him on Horizon _was_ his Gina, he knew she'd be devastated by his bitter words and harsh rejection. Guilt festered inside of him for days and eventually he sent her a letter, explaining his words and actions, but it had been too little too late and her silence said more than words ever would.

It hurt.

He tried to see her on Earth but time and again was denied access and when he sent her extranet messages they bounced back unopened. Each little rejection hurt just a little bit more than the one before, and eventually he faced facts; Gina wanted nothing to do with him. When he saw her outside of the Defence Committee room, he wanted to apologise and beg forgiveness for the stupid things he said, but one look at her face silenced him. The distance between them was too great for a simple apology to ever bridge the gap.

"Let's move quickly then!"

Shepard's voice pulled from him his thoughts, and Kaidan readied himself as she opened the shuttle's hatch. The wind rushed in and red dust billowed against them with the force of a charging krogan. Gina cursed and stumbled back as her petite frame caught in the blast. Kaidan moved without thinking and reached out to steady her, one hand on her shoulder and one on her waist.

His fingers tingled where he touched her and his breath caught in his throat. He wanted to blame biotics, but touching Shepard always sent a buzz through him. Up until now he'd been able to avoid touching her, just as he avoided looking at her for too long; it hurt too much. The sight of her reminded him of everything that he'd lost, so he looked at her with quick sneaky glances instead.

Holding her, even through armour, brought back a multitude of memories and when her slender framed trembled ever so slightly at his touch, Kaidan felt a rush of masculine pride. He may have pushed her away with his thoughtlessness, but he still had a physical effect on her, which was more than he'd allowed himself to hope for. He didn't know what he wanted to happen between them, but knowing that he affected her physically was _something_.

Shepard got her balance back and stepped away as James brushed past them. Her breathing was shaky over the coms and for a moment she said nothing, then she turned and faced him. "Thanks."

Her voice was husky with an edge of vulnerability, and it sent a shiver down his spine to hear it. "Don't mention it, Shepard."

She stared at him for a moment longer, as though there was more she wanted to say, but she turned and leapt gracefully from the shuttle instead, vanishing into the headwinds of the storm. His eyes followed her as she moved, her body lithe and beautiful in her N7 armour. For the millionth time that day he fervently wished he knew what he wanted from her.

How was it possible to love somebody this much but be frightened to have them in your life?

Kaidan shook off his confusion and followed her into the hostile Mars terrain, joining James and Shepard as they hunted for clues. The first sign of how bad things were came in the form of dead Alliance soldiers who lay sprawled in the sand, gunshot wounds to the back of their heads. Shepard looked them over carefully and then signalled for them to advance on the facility, her shotgun gripped tightly in her hands.

They reached the steep incline that led down to the facility and Kaidan pulled himself up short as Shepard signalled for them to take cover. Far below were Cerberus troops and, horrified, he watched as they executed captured Alliance soldiers. Red-hot fury bubbled up inside of him, burning like molten lava in his veins, and he prepared a Reave, his eyes glowing with fury. His biotic power flared around him in a luminous azure cloud, but before he could use his power Shepard biotically made her move.

One moment she was next to him and the next he felt an intense stinging slap as her biotics exploded and she vanished. There was a blur of movement and she slammed into them, sending the Cerberus troopers flying like bowling pins. She rolled to her feet in a flash and rammed her omni-blade mercilessly through one trooper's chest in a spray of blood, then drew her shotgun and fired at point-blank range another who fell back to the dirt.

Kaidan cursed and followed her down the hill, using his Reave on one of the troopers still alive, while Shepard aimed a Shockwave at the remaining cluster. Her biotics sent them tumbling over the edge of the incline to the ravine below and Kaidan pulled up short to stare. _Holy hell!_ Was she really that much faster, stronger and better than him? Her biotics were always impressive but the level of power she wielded now was terrifying.

Obviously Cerberus had upgraded her biotics, and if they'd done that, Kaidan knew they may have changed other things about her. How could be believe the woman in front of him was really _his Gina_ , when Cerberus had spent billions of credits on resurrecting her? They'd probably done something to influence her in some way; a kill switch? Or a behaviour modifying chip? His head swam angrily at the thought of them violating her and a headache started at the base of his skull.

He clenched his teeth against the pain as he began to check the bodies. _Damn it all!_ His emotions were like a pendulum swinging back and forth; he loved Shepard and wanted to trust her, but he was scared of opening himself up and being hurt again. Love and fear, love and fear, over and over again.

He wanted Shepard's love and to have her in his life, but until he knew for sure who and what she was, he couldn't risk letting his guard down. It felt like his heart was breaking, but that was better than risking his heart all over again.

* * *

**A/N - Poor Kaidan! I'm not normally an angst writer, so I hope this is turning out okay! Reviews are always much loved!**


	3. Chapter 3

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N - Thank you everyone for the lovely feedback! :) I really enjoyed writing this chapter, so I hope you all enjoy it - especially you, QueenFreckles!**

* * *

Kaidan watched Shepard as she stood amongst the broken bodies of the Cerberus troopers, breathing hard as she gripped her shotgun tight. She ejected a spent thermal clip and began to inspect the executed Alliance soldiers, her movements quick and angry. Her biotics were still glowing around her, a beautiful flickering blue aura, and Kaidan wondered if it was because of the intensity of the fight or her emotional turmoil.

_She seems upset._

"What the hell is going on?" James finished his sweep of the area and made his way back. "Those guys were Cerberus, weren't they?"

Shepard nodded. "Yeah, it looked like it."

 _It looked like it?_ What was she playing at? Of course they were Cerberus! They were wearing _Cerberus_ armour with _Cerberus_ logos, not to mention that they'd been putting _Cerberus_ bullets into _Alliance_ soldiers heads. Was Shepard trying to be casual or was she deliberately being evasive? Was it possible that she was somehow in on all of this ... ?

 _No_.

Kaidan instantly shut down the disturbing thought, a horrible feeling of guilt creeping through him for even thinking such about her. Whatever Shepard's reasons were for being so casual about Cerberus' presence, he couldn't believe that she would deliberately allow Alliance soldiers to get killed. Not Commander Shepard, the paragon of all that was good and honest! He doubted even Cerberus could change that about her.

"Let's go." Shepard gestured towards the facility with her gun.

He followed as she led the way towards some ground vehicles parked up ahead. Cerberus' presence here made no sense, especially as their organisation always maintained that they were working for the betterment of mankind. How did attacking an Alliance facility, while the Reapers were invading Earth, help anyone?

"Shepard?" He caught her attention as they moved forward as a unit, keeping to cover and checking for enemies before moving through the next open space. "Why are Cerberus here?"

"I don't know." Shepard sounded distracted as she crept forward, her focus on the vehicles ahead and the potential threat they posed.

"You have no idea at all?"

She sighed frustration. "That's what I said, isn't it? I'm not with them anymore, Kaidan, if that's what you're hinting at. You _know_ that."

There was a definite emphasis on the word _know_ , and another sliver of guilt wriggle through him at the hurt tone in her voice. Shepard had spent six months on Earth standing trial for her decision to blow up the Alpha relay. He knew she could have cut ties with the Alliance and stayed with Cerberus, or even gone rogue. Instead she had done the honourable thing and owned her decisions and all the consequences that came with them.

"Sorry Shepard. It's just that you know how they operate better than I do. I thought you might know something." He strengthened his barrier as they took cover near the vehicles and looked in her direction, but her attention was on the threat ahead.

"Well, I _don't_."

It was a defensive statement that hit him like a slap in the face. Before he could reply she sent a shockwave over the top of the rocks they were crouched behind and vanished in a biotic charge. He followed close behind, the sound of Vega's assault rifle echoing in his ears as he aimed a cryo blast at one trooper and rammed him against the side of a ground vehicle. The trooper recovered quickly and raised his gun, but Kaidan used the butt of his rifle to knock him senseless and then flipped out his omni-blade and shoved it deep into his chest, twisting and wrenching it out as the trooper slumped to the ground.

He whirled around to see an engineer set up a turret that was pointed at Shepard, and Kaidan sent another cryo blast at the him, freezing the engineer solid. The turret popped up and auto-aimed, and he closed the distance between himself and Shepard in a fraction of a second, putting up a barrier and tackling her to the ground. They landed badly, Kaidan crashing down and pinning her to the red sand beneath.

Awkwardly, Kaidan covered Shepard's body with his own. With the turret firing on them, he could only stay still and maintain his barrier to protect them both. The deafening roar of the turret was drowned out by the rushing in his ears as he realised he could see Shepard's face through the visor. Her eyes were wide and vulnerable as they watched him and her lips parted slightly. She was beautiful.

"Hang tight, guys! I'll take it out." James' voice crackled over the coms.

"That would be good, James." Shepard muttered unhappily under him, pulling her gaze from his as though bothered by the intimacy.

The turret fire increased and Kaidan's barrier burned an almost iridescent blue as the bullets ricocheted off. He concentrated hard to hold it as the seconds stretched on without the the damned gun letting up. Under him, Shepard squirmed and their armour grated together, and Kaidan realised that even though she was in heavy armour, he was still crushing her with his weight.

It seemed to take forever, but the turret fire wound down and there was a brief shock wave as James nailed the turret with a carnage and followed it up with a burst from his assault rifle. It exploded in a blinding flash and Kaidan strengthened his barrier once more as shrapnel shot towards them. Even though he knew nothing could get through it, he instinctively tightened his hold on Shepard and she curled into his body.

It was the closest that he'd been to her in years and something twisted painfully deep inside of him to feel her in his arms. He wished they weren't separated by layers of armour plating and breather helmets so he could feel her skin under his fingertips, or smell that light and fruity perfume that she wore. It was torture to be like this and he wondered if she felt the same.

_Please, feel the same ..._

"All clear." James stood up from behind a pile of rubble, ejecting a thermal clip and making his way to them. "Nice barrier, Major. I thought you two were toast for a moment."

"Thanks, Lieutenant." Kaidan accepted James' hand up and got to his feet, then offered Shepard a hand. She hesitated for a beat, then took it, letting him pull her up as though she weighed no more than a child.

Her hand trembled in his and she watched him. "Thank you."

They were soft words and they tugged at his heart, but he pulled his hand away and nodded coolly, as though he was unaffected by her touch and words. "No problem, we should keep moving."

"Yes." She turned to face facility entrance. "There's our way in."

Shepard and James jogged ahead while Kaidan followed behind. The hairs on the back of his neck prickled as they entered the elevator shaft and the cavernous facility swallowed them whole. Something felt off about this entire mission, and he was determined to find out what it was.

He needed to find out what Shepard knew about Cerberus, and why they might be here. The Illusive man had spent billions bringing her back and supplied her with a ship and a crew. You didn't spend that much on a person and give them that many resources unless you trusted them, and if the Illusive Man trusted her that much, then it stood to reason that she knew more than she was saying.

The last thing he wanted to do was upset her, but he needed to know the truth before they went any further.

* * *

**A/N - Oh oh! The infamous Mars elevator scene is coming up ... I hope I don't let you down! Reviews and feedback are loved!**


	4. Chapter 4

_Disclaimer - I don't own Mass Effect. I just dabble in their world!_

**A/N - Thank you to everyone who has followed, favourited and reviewed the last chapter. Especially to Queen Freckles, Simone the Reaper Hunter, tlcinbflo, BananaphoneBob, ela11, kelleytastic, zulija, AngstyShenko and Jules Hawk. Your reviews, feedback and support mean a lot to me! Enjoy this next chapter!**

* * *

Shepard slammed her hand against the button to close the elevator door, waiting for the room to pressurise as her stomach churned anxiously. No matter how many times she told herself not to let Kaidan affect her, he still did. She sighed and looked down her her trembling hands, wishing her body wasn't still tingling after having him pressed so close to her. He'd only done it to protect her, but the fact that he had put himself in danger to keep her safe meant something.

Didn't it?

It was difficult to stop herself from reading too much into it, as there had been _something_ in his gaze when he'd shielded her. A pain that showed he was hurting every bit as much as she was, maybe even more. Shepard sighed to herself, she didn't understand why Kaidan still doubted her, why he kept himself so distant. After everything she'd done to stop the Reapers, all of her sacrifices, surely he believed it was her?

Did Kaidan see her as a reminder of everything that had gone wrong in his life? Something he wished had stayed gone so he could move on in peace? The thought depressed her, but Shepard knew she would have to face up to it sooner or later. Kaidan himself didn't seem to know what he wanted from her. One moment he went out of his way to help her, and the next he pushed her away.

She never should have let him get so close to her, but the way he'd held her close while the turret was firing on them made her melt. When he helped her up, she'd hoped to see some kind of sign about what he was feeling, but his eyes had been guarded and unreadable and he'd dropped her hand as though it burned.

It hurt, but after living with her death for two years, was it really any wonder that he was reluctant to accept her reappearance?

Frustration passed through her in waves and she cast a sidelong glance at him. She missed the way things were between them on the first Normandy. The happy glow in his eyes when he saw her and his open, friendly smiles. Hell, she missed _him_. Those days on the first Normandy with Kaidan had changed her in ways she never thought possible. He made her want to be a better person, and the thought of him hating her and believing her to be a Cerberus traitor made her ache.

The vents above them hissed as the room pressurised, and Kaidan moved to stand in front of her, his voice impersonal and hard. "I need to talk to you. _Now_."

It was an order, not a request, and Shepard felt a pang of irritation cut through her melancholy at the tone in his voice. As much as she missed him, he made it obvious time and again that he wasn't the same man as two years ago. Kaidan's confidence in his abilities, and in himself, made her want to hug him, but she didn't appreciate his coldness or skepticism. Once he would have followed her lead without question, now he was reluctant to believe something that the rest of the Alliance believed; that she _was_ Gina Shepard.

"Kaidan, can we do this later?" She hated the way he held himself so aggressively, as though planning to interrogate her.

_I haven't done anything wrong!_

"No, we can't."

His voice left no room for argument, and Shepard relented. If Kaidan wanted to have this conversation here, in front of James, then he could have his wish. She sighed and turned to face him; she had nothing to hide. The sooner Kaidan worked that out, sooner they could get on with their mission and she could put some distance back between them.

Shepard met his eyes and raised her arms questioningly. "What do you want?"

"I need a straight answer!" He looked frustrated as he planted himself in front of her and crossed his arms. "What are Cerberus doing here? You _have_ to know something!"

_Great. Cerberus again._

She felt frustration wriggle through her. "I already said that I didn't know anything! I left Cerberus after I blew up the Collector base. I stole their ship, I convinced most of the crew to leave him and I handed myself into the Alliance." Gina clenched her jaw, fighting the urge to slap him for not believing in her. "I haven't had any contact with them since."

"She's telling the truth, Major." James chimed in, his voice carefully neutral. "Commander Shepard was under constant surveillance back on Earth. There's no way she's communicated with them."

"Maybe." Kaidan dismissed James with a sweep of his hand and paced, his eyes distant as he thought out loud. "They brought you back to life! Billions of credits were spent on you. Not to mention you reported directly to the Illusive Man! Do you really expect me to believe that you ..."

"Yes!" She slammed her hand down on the control panel. "Kaidan, I wasn't with them because I wanted to be! People were vanishing and the Alliance wasn't helping ..."

"We were trying!" Kaidan faced her angrily, his biotics buzzing along her skin as he flared without meaning to. "But every time we got to a colony it was too late! I don't understand why you didn't come to the Alliance for help? Did you even try to contact us? Or was it just easier to stay with Cerberus?"

"Of course I went to the Alliance, but they wouldn't help me at all. The council reinstated me as a Spectre and then they sent me on my way with a _'good luck, Shepard_!' They wouldn't tell me what they knew about the Collectors. They wouldn't even tell me where you were ..." Her voice broke and Gina closed her mouth with a snap, taking in a deep breath as she settled her rolling emotions and calmed herself.

For the longest moment Kaidan stared at her, then he shook his head. "I want to believe that Shepard, but the rumours that you were with Cerberus had been going around for so long." His anger visibly drained away and he sighed. "When you turned up with them it was like a confirmation of those stories. If you'd just come to me when you first woke up …"

"I did!" The urge to hit him rose sharply, and Gina clenched a hand into a fist. "You try waking up and finding out that two years have passed and everyone you love has moved on without you. You try going to the people you love and trust for help, only to get rejected." She laughed bitterly. "God knows that other people were glad I was alive, but not the people I counted on being there for me."

Kaidan crossed his arms stubbornly. "You should have left Cerberus."

"I was able to stop the Collector's because of Cerberus, Kaidan. If I'd left them, then I wouldn't have been able to stop their attacks. I wouldn't have been able to save _you_." She let her words fade out as airlocks cycled and flashed green to indicate it was safe to remove their helmets.

The silence in the room was thick and she saw James shuffle uncomfortably. Disappointment in Kaidan, and in herself for daring to believe in him, spread through her like lead. Not for the first time she wondered if everyone wouldn't have been better off if she hadn't come back from the suicide mission through the Omega Relay.

Kaidan seemed to sense her sudden shift in mood, and his voice was soft when he spoke. "I'm sorry Shepard, I'm just trying to understand ..."

"Don't." She pulled her helmet off and struggled to fight back the crushing waves regret that were rising inside of her. "You don't have to believe me Kaidan, although God knows you're the only one that doesn't, but you do need to trust that I'm still the same person I always was."

Kaidan pulled his helmet off and for a moment his eyes met hers. "I do believe it's you, I just..."

_No more._

"Please stop. The things you said ..." Gina shook her head, she felt weighed down by his suspicions. "You of all people should know me better than that."

Shepard turned away from him as the elevator began to move upwards and drew level with the docking bay. James moved to her side in a show of loyalty, his presence reassuring and familiar after six months together in Vancouver. Kaidan's words still stung, and the way he'd questioned her hurt more than she was willing to show.

"Chin up, Commander." James nodded at her, the look on his face reminding her that no matter what Kaidan thought, he believed her.

It was nice of him, but what she really wanted was Kaidan back by her side.

* * *

**A/N - Yeah...not a smart move, Kaidan! Total Foot-in-Mouth Syndrome! :(**


	5. Chapter 5

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect._

**A/N – Thank you very much to everyone who had read, followed, favourited and reviewed – it means a lot to know you are enjoying it. An especially big thank you to my reviewers! Your feedback keeps me inspired and always makes my day brighter! Enjoy this chapter!**

* * *

Kaidan's stomach felt like a lead weight had been dropped in it as Shepard turned her back on him, fastening her breather helmet to her hip and turning her attention to the docking bay as it came into view. James moved past, tossing him a look that said he thought Kaidan was behaving like a cad, and stepped up next to Shepard in a show of support. Worst of all was that Kaidan wasn't entirely sure that he _didn't_ deserve that look.

"Chin up, Commander."

His head jerked up and he glared at the young marine's back as he stood companionably next to Shepard, making it very clear who it was that he was backing in their little argument. For a brief moment jealousy rose inside of him and Kaidan felt an irrational wish to be the one standing next to Shepard and supporting her.

That wasn't going to happen; he was the one who had hurt her. _Again_.

With a sigh, his anger faded and he scrubbed the back of his neck with his hand, angry and disappointed in himself _._ Shepard was right; he should have trusted her, instead he'd pushed her away and demanded answers to questions that she didn't know. Kaidan almost groaned aloud, why hadn't he stopped himself from voicing those doubts? Why had he pushed Shepard until she finally snapped? It felt as though what tiny connection they still shared had snapped.

_It was like losing her all over again._

Despite what the media trumpeted and the Alliance claimed, Gina was not the ruthless warrior that they made her out to be. She was a cunning and determined solider who could get the job done, but she was also an honest and gentle woman who, under her soldier exterior. Shepard would go through hell for her friends.

Somehow he'd forgotten that about her after their fight on Horizon.

In his head, she'd coldly turned her back on the Alliance to take up with Cerberus, but the truth was that she'd had no choice. She'd been stuck between letting people die or helping Cerberus save them, and she'd chosen to compromise her morals and deal with the devil for the sake of mankind. He knew why, of course he did, he was scared of losing her again.

If he accepted Shepard back into his life, admitted he still loved her, then he was risking his heart all over again.

And he wasn't sure if he could stand losing Shepard for a second time.

Guilt churned in his stomach as the elevator drew level, and he forced himself to step forward and join them. "I didn't mean to upset you, Shepard. I do trust you and I'm sorry for …"

"Just drop it, Kaidan." She glanced at him from the corner of her eye and then away again, looking so tired and lonely that Kaidan ached to put his arms around her.

The hurt tone cut into him far more than her words and he fell back a step, cursing himself for being such an idiot.

Why hadn't he just kept his mouth shut and taken her at face value? What was wrong with him? Did he want to wallow in perpetual misery? To continue to believe she was dead when she was right here? After spending years wishing that he'd saved her life, why was he pushing her away when she was right in front of him?

 _Moron_ , Kaidan condemned himself, y _ou still feel the same way about her as you used to, so why can't you just trust yourself and believe in her?_ He sighed and clipped his helmet to his hip, wishing he hadn't said those horrible things to her. He'd known exactly how she'd react but he'd confronted her anyway. He loved Shepard, _he did_ , but every time he looked at her he thought about what could have been if she'd lived.

Gunshots echoed from the vents overhead and Shepard ran for cover behind a vehicle, the sounds of yelling and scuffling sounding from above. Kaidan ducked down next to her, his shoulder armour pressing against hers as he readied his gun and silently promised himself not to put another foot wrong with her. From this moment on he'd show her that the arrogant jerk who'd been aggressively demanding answers from her wasn't who he was!

It was hard to let go of his fears and insecurities when he still hurt so badly, but he needed to try. And if he was honest with himself, he was as much in love with her as ever. Hiding behind the guilt he felt for her death wasn't going to cut it when he knew he'd fallen for her again. If the worst happened and she did die. it would hurt just as much as it did the first time. Nothing would change that now.

Kaidan tightened his hold on his gun as the grate was kicked off the air vents and a blue figure decked in white leapt out. He was on his feet alongside Shepard as soon as the figure reached the ground, and he lowered his weapon almost instantly as he recognised her; _Liara_. She caught both of the Cerberus pursuers in a singularity and shot them, putting an extra bullet into both of them as they fell to the floor.

 _The shy and frightened asari scientist from three years ago had grown up_ , he registered.

"Liara!" Shepard put her weapon away and almost ran across the floor to greet her friend.

Kaidan walked over with James, ignoring the unhappiness that was bubbling away inside of him as he watched Liara and Shepard embrace. The two of them had always been close, and he knew from unofficial chatter that Shepard and Liara had joined forces to take down the Shadow Broker. They hugged and inexplicably he felt left out; Liara may not have been able to help Shepard take down the Collectors, but she had still worked with her and believed in her.

Which was more than he'd done.

The way Liara treated Gina had always made him uncomfortable. From the moment they'd met, the two of them had been close and shared a bond that Kaidan neither understood nor wanted to. In the early days he'd been jealous despite Shepard telling him that not to be, because she only thought of her as a friend, but he'd still been unhappy. When he and Shepard became a couple things had become easier, but he'd still hated the way Liara watched her with those adoring blue eyes.

As they began to talk about Shepard's reason for being here, a sickening stir of jealousy began in his stomach. Kaidan sighed; he had no right to feel this way after turning her away on Horizon, and the logical part of his brain knew this. But knowing something and feeling something were two totally different things. And everyone knew that emotions were the least logical things in the world.

Kaidan tried to focus and pay attention, but the entire time Liara was talking to them about the situation at the Mars facility and her findings on the Crucible, all he could think about was how stupid he'd been. Seeing Shepard with Liara, smiling and relaxed, made him realise how much he missed that look being aimed at him. _Not likely now, Alenko_ , he bitterly reminded himself, _you opened your big fat mouth and said the wrong thing again._

He didn't know why he picked at things until they broke, it was something he'd done since he was a child, but he wasn't going to let it happen this time. Once they kicked Cerberus back to wherever they crawled from, he and Shepard could go back to the Normandy and talk things through properly. He would apologise for assuming the worst about her and he could make it up to her in whatever way he could.

Maybe he was hoping for too much, but he wanted the chance to patch things up and close that distance between them.

If nothing else, he owed it to Shepard to set things right.

* * *

**A/N – Oh Kaidan … he makes me heart ache. Again, I apologise for the angst! Hopefully this is turning out okay! I'd love to hear what you thought!**


	6. Chapter 6

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect…_

**A/N – Okay, fun chapter! I hope everyone enjoys it! As always a massive thank you to my reviewers – I love you guys so much for your awesome-sauce comments and feedback! :) You're the best!**

**Thank you x2 to TLCinbflo for her support and amusing ideas. If you haven't read her Shenko fics, you're missing out!**

* * *

Killing Cerberus goons was excellent for working out frustration, Shepard decided as she used a Shockwave to knock several troopers off their feet and send them hurtling into a wall. First Kaidan made his snippy little comments in the elevator, then James kicked up a stink about being sent back to the shuttle instead of letting him fight, so now she felt guilty _and_ angry. She understood that he wanted to fight after being cooped up on Earth for six months, but he needed to learn to follow orders without question.

James was a good guy and she trusted him with her life, but she hadn't fought alongside of him and didn't know what he was like in the middle of a firefight. Liara and Kaidan were familiar to her; she knew their fighting styles and that they fought well as a team. With so many unknowns in the Mars facility, she needed people she could rely on.

The snide little voice at the back of her head laughed at the thought of Kaidan being someone she could rely on, but Gina ignored it as she used her biotics to slam a trooper into the ceiling and floor. Yes, Kaidan had let her down when she needed him, but he was still a damned good solider and he'd have her back in a fight. No matter how he felt about her, he'd follow Hackett's orders like a good little boy, even if that meant working alongside someone he still thought was a _Cerberus traitor._

Shepard ground her teeth as she remembered his words in the elevator, smashing a trooper into the wall, and then another and another until her amp buzzed angrily at the base of her neck. Pain was good! Pain distracted her from the gnawing ache in her heart every time she caught sight of Kaidan fighting beside her. It also reminded her that she was still alive, so that even if _he_ refused to believe who she was, she knew that she was real.

Finally, the last of the Cerberus troops was dispatched and Shepard strode forward, intending to go down the corridor that led towards the tramway. She heard the whine of a turret start up an instant before Kaidan grabbed her and pulled her out of the line of fire, swinging her against his body and back around the corner as the bullets thundered past.

Shepard swore loudly and her heart hammered in her chest as she realised how close she'd come to being shot to pieces. Her anger, so fiery a few moments ago, faded as she sagged against Kaidan in relief and sucked in a deep breath. She could smell his spicy aftershave and her body clenched with need as the masculine scent conjured up memories of lying in his arms late at night, her head on his naked chest and her body sated from their lovemaking ...

"You okay?" Kaidan's hands were steady on her waist and Shepard pulled away, hating her body for reacting to him like it did.

"Fine." She resisted the urge to rub her hands against her midsection where he'd grabbed her. "Thanks."

Kaidan nodded and looked over at Liara, all business. "I take it that's the only way in?"

"Unfortunately." She looked troubled.

"No problem." Kaidan holstered his gun and glanced back around the corner as the turret powered down. "We'll go in fast and stay in cover. Don't let it target you and you should be fine." He turned his gaze on her and Shepard felt her stomach flutter at the decidedly masculine and take-charge aura he was exuding. "I'll go first."

It was sexy to see Kaidan so confident and in control, and it caused an unexpected burst of lust to spread inside of her, raising goose bumps along her skin. He moved around the corner before she could reply, athletically rolling into cover and glancing back to nod reassuringly before he moved forward again. Shepard looked over her shoulder at Liara who seemed equally surprised by his behaviour, and then she followed him around the corner.

Shepard instantly regretted not working out more during detention as her body ached and complained with each roll. It was distracting, but not nearly as distracting as the man moving in front of her, his body sleek and graceful in his Alliance armour as he rolled and took cover. The remnants of her anger seemed to fizzle out as soon as she saw him in action and her mouth ran dry as her hormones reminded her why she loved this man.

Kaidan had never worn heavy armour on the SSV Normandy, and it was almost a shame because he looked unbelievably good in it. It emphasised his broad shoulders and narrow waist, and let her see just how much he'd bulked up over the past few years. It also conjured up visions of what his body might look like under that armour and Shepard stumbled as an image of a gloriously naked Kaidan Alenko standing to attention flashed through her mind.

A stray bullet caught her shoulder, and Gina cursed as her shields absorbed the impact and she tumbled to the ground in a less than graceful move. She crawled the rest of the way to cover with her face burning, trying to shake the image of a naked and aroused Kaidan from her mind. Sometimes she was her own worst enemy! A few minutes ago Kaidan had been berating her in the elevator and insinuating that she was still working for Cerberus, and now she was perving on him and picturing him naked.

_Brilliant. Just brilliant. Go team Shepard!_

She looked up and saw Kaidan watching her from a few metres away, standing comfortably _outside_ of the range of the turret and watching her with one eyebrow raised. He grinned as she rolled and scuttled the rest of the way over to him and then offered her a hand up. The friendly look in his eyes was a damned sight better than the anger and suspicion in them earlier and as his hand clasped hers and he pulled her up, she wondered if maybe he was starting to come around.

"You're out of practice," he told her, and his grin stretched wider as Liara rolled easily into cover. "Even Liara didn't take a hit."

Shepard rolled her eyes but she couldn't stop the tingle of excitement that spread through her body. "It's your fault, Major." she told him haughtily. " _You_ distracted me."

Kaidan looked as though he wanted to ask what he'd done to distract her, but Gina winked at him and moved past as she drew her gun and began to gather her biotics. There would be time for flirting later; for now they still had a facility full of Cerberus troopers to defeat and important data to save. Besides which, she could hear the sound of Cerberus in the room adjacent to them; yells as they ran for cover and the hiss of a smoke bomb.

She wasn't sure what was going on with Kaidan or why he was running so hot and cold with her, but having him smile and joke felt nice; like old times. Kaidan's smile made the aching in her heart hurt a little less and soft look in his wonderful warm eyes made her melt just a bit. It helped to close the chasm between them.

It felt good to have him at her side, fighting _with_ her instead of acting like her enemy.

Maybe her silence made him feel guilty, or he knew he'd gone too far in the elevator, either way it was nice to have him act like the Kaidan she loved. She'd missed him in her life, that much was true, but she'd also missed his friendship and the way they communicated with a look or a touch. It was probably stupid to let herself feel this way after his earlier behaviour, but the smile on his face and the look in his eyes made her want to trust him.

When he smiled at her like that, she didn't feel like she was taking on the universe alone; she had Kaidan.

* * *

**A/N – Kaidan's not being a jerk! Hooray! What could possibly go wrong? :D Reviews and feedback are welcome!**


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect

**A/N – Happy Holidays! Apologies on this chapter coming out later than I intended, but it's the silly season! Thank you to the people who are reading along and reviewing, your comments always make my day a little shinier! Enjoy!**

* * *

Shepard stormed into the room like a force of nature, her biotics flaring brightly as she vanished into the smoke and smashed into her target. Kaidan could feel her power creeping over his skin every time she blasted the ground with a nova or sent troops flying with a slam. Could she feel his power too? He wondered as he hit an engineer with a reave and the man sank to his knees shuddering and screaming.

He struggled to keep his mind on the fight, as his thoughts kept sliding back to the way Shepard looked at him when he helped her to her feet. He could still feel the tight grip of her hand in his, an intimate feeling even through gloves, and the way her green eyes sparkled with amusement and embarrassment after her fall.

Then she'd made that comment about him distracting her and Kaidan simultaneously wanted to blush and laugh.

Gina never had been able to hold a grudge and her flirting made him hopeful that he could atone for the thoughtless things he'd said to her, both in the elevator and on Horizon. While they'd both grown and changed in the last few years, they were still the same people and that made Kaidan instinctively feel that it wasn't too late for them. Maybe when Mars was behind them, they could find a quiet moment and say what needed to be said ... and see where that left them.

When the last trooper was dead, Kaidan turned around to find Shepard watching him with wide eyes.

"You can _reave_?"

She sounded impressed, amazed and even a little intimidated, and Kaidan almost felt ashamed of the rush of pride that went through him. As strong and fast as Shepard was, she was a vanguard and her biotics were geared towards head on attacks and huge releases of power. Reaving, cryoblasts and even putting up a simple barrier were things that she would never be able to do.

This was one area where he would always be better than her.

He shrugged as though it was no big deal. "Yeah, it took some time but I mastered it."

Of course, by some time, he meant almost a year of intense biotic training. He'd given himself migraines, nosebleeds and burst blood vessels in his eyes trying to learn this particular skill, but eventually he'd done it. He'd been so proud when he'd finally mastered it too, because it was something that, to his knowledge, no other L2 had done.

"Jesus, that's amazing. The only people I know who can reave are all asari matriarchs …" She paused and seemed to remember where she was and a faint blush crept delicately along her cheeks. "Sorry, I guess I shouldn't be surprised. You always were something special."

Kaidan saw the flash of regret in her eyes and felt the emotion echo painfully in his heart. "Thanks, Shepard."

She flashed him a dazzling smile that made his heart ache in a whole other way, and stepped up to a terminal as she tried to get them access to the pedway. Liara took control of the other terminal and began trying to hack the security feeds, while Kaidan moved up behind them so he could watch for Cerberus. A flash of movement on a security screen caught his attention, and he saw a woman step into view of one of the cameras.

"Who's that woman?" He forgot all about scanning for Cerberus as he watched the monitor; the woman was a tall, slim and moved in quick predatory movements, not all at like someone who was scared or running for their life.

"That's Doctor Eva Coré. She arrived about a week ago." Liara informed him in her soft voice. She blinked as the doctor did something at a terminal and then bolted out of the camera's range, vanishing from the screen. "How odd."

Kaidan concurred as he moved to the doorway to scan for troops, half-listening as Liara moved to Shepard's side to see how she was getting on with unlocking the pedway. Something about the woman on the screen seemed off. He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but the timing of her arrival and her presence in an otherwise deserted base was far too convenient to be a coincidence.

"Any luck, Shepard?"

"Locked out." Gina sounded frustrated and Kaidan heard her hit the terminal, as though brute force would be enough to magically get it working. "I'm sick of this hacker bullshit."

"It's okay, there's an airlock that leads out to the roof. We'll find another way around." The emotional weight in Liara's voice made Kaidan feel sorry for her. "This is all so frustrating, I don't understand why Cerberus is doing this when the Reapers are attacking?"

"Does it really matter, Liara? We wasted the last six months, what's a few more hours going to cost us?" Shepard sounded bitter, so much so that Kaidan wanted to look across at her, but he made himself stay focused and gave them their privacy.

Liara sighed, "I know, but I can't help but feel that if the council had acted earlier then all of this death could have been avoided. Honestly, I don't know how you do it, Shepard. How you keep fighting when so many people have turned their backs on you."

Kaidan went rigid at that comment, half-sure that Liara's comment was aimed at him and his refusal to help Gina on Horizon. He ground his teeth and hoped he was wrong as Shepard sighed, the sad sound sending shivers along his skin.

"I just think about what I have to lose if the Reapers win."

Shepard's wistful tone went straight to his heart and against his better judgement Kaidan glanced at her, his golden eyes clashing against her green ones. For a moment their gazes stayed locked together, and Kaidan knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was talking about him. That _he_ was one of those things she stood to lose. He almost lowered his gun and went to her, almost gave in to the desire to tell her that he was an ass and that he still loved her, but then she looked away and the moment was gone.

"It's okay, Liara. We'll find a way to stop them." Shepard gathered her weapons and fixed her breather helmet in place, not even pausing as she brushed past Kaidan on her way out of the door, although her biotics made his skin tingle as she went by.

Liara paused beside him as she pulled her breather mask from her belt, both of them watching as Shepard gracefully moved up to the airlock and waited for them. She fixed her mask to her face and turned her blue eyes on him, silently giving him a look that Kaidan easily interpreted. He'd forgotten over the last few years that Liara cared for Shepard in the same way as he did, but in that moment he could see how much she still loved Shepard.

Her feelings may not have been as romantic as they once had, but she loved Shepard as fiercely as a mother loved her child, and Kaidan could see in her eyes that she didn't think he deserved a second chance with her. The intense look she gave him only lasted a second, but he felt thoroughly chastised by the time Liara swept by him and he pulled his own helmet on with fumbling hands.

Part of him fumed that Liara dared to give him that kind of look, and part of him wanted to hug her for trying to protect Shepard. Gina had been through so much in the past year that Kaidan almost wanted to find a mirror and give himself a similar look, to make sure he didn't screw up and say anything else hurtful. If there was still a chance for them to patch things up, he was going to take it.

He just needed to keep his stupid mouth shut.

* * *

**A/N – I'm enjoying writing this fic so much! I might even write another chapter this week. Feedback and reviews are most welcome, and I'd love to know what you think so far.**

**I also wrote a very fluffy and sexy Shenko Christmas oneshot called 'Twas the Night Before, which I'm going to shamelessly self-promote! I wrote it as a thank you to everyone who reads my stories, so Merry Christmas!**


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect

**A/N – Thank you very much to TLCinbflo, Nicniviean, Ella11, Zulija, Jules Hawk, QueenFreckles, BananaphoneBob, Simone the Reaper Hunter, Zombie Husk, BloodxTearsxBones and Elissa Theirin for leaving reviews on the last chapter. It means a lot and I loved hearing from you. ^_^**

**Now, I have a very important question. Originally this fic was only going to cover the Mars mission and Kaidan waking up in Huerta, but I have to admit that I've fallen in love with this fic and with this Kaidan. I want to continue this fic on and tell their story through ME3. Your opinions mean a lot to me, so I have to ask, are you guys interested in me extending this fic? It will mean longer chapters, a bigger fic and a lot more romance and sexy heat! Please let me know. Thanks! Oh, and enjoy this chapter!  
**

* * *

The storm rushed over them like an angry ghost, pushing and roaring against them as they struggled to keep their footing. Shepard was almost deafened by the hiss of sand against her armour, but somehow she managed to keep putting one foot in front of the other as they crossed the roof of the mars facility. Step by step, they inched their way down the first ladder. A pulse of annoyance beat inside of her at how slow they were moving, but with the constant tug of the wind against them it was impossible to go any faster without risking a slip.

"Commander? Do you copy?" James' voice, heavy with distortion, crackled over her radio and Shepard winced as feedback reverberated in her ear.

"I hear you."

"The storm is getting pretty bad out here. I've lost contact with the Normandy and I'm circling the facility, but I'm not sure how much longer I'll be able to keep coms open with this interference." His voice was cool and in control, just like the Vega she had come to trust on Earth.

"Understood. Hold your position as long as you can, Lieutenant."

Shepard finally reached the bottom of the ladder and she grasped the railing firmly as she made her way along the narrow gangway. Ducts and pipes rose up on either side of her, offering some protection from the wind and sand, and she quickened her pace to a jog. Her ear piece squealed with static and James' voice came through in a broken stream, none of which made any sense to her.

"You're breaking up. Repeat." Shepard reached the end of the walkway and waited for him to respond, but there was only a hissing electronic distortion. "James? Repeat?"

"It's the storm. It's getting too close, we need to hurry." Kaidan's voice cut through the distortion as he reached her, Liara following close behind.

"Dammit!" Gina started up the ladder, the wind tugging more and more insistently on her armour the higher she went.

She reached the top and turned to help the others, pausing as she caught sight of the churning storm on the horizon. It was much closer now and the billowing pink and red clouds swirled ominously just beyond the martian mountain range. She tore her eyes off the storm with difficulty, a shiver racing down her spine, and helped both Kaidan and Liara onto the roof.

The oncoming storm reminded her far too much of Alchera's swirling atmosphere, and Shepard's stomach clenched with terror. She could remember it perfectly; the oppressive cold that had seeped through her armour and into her limbs, the horror of watching her oxygen leaking from her suit in a sparkling vapor and the burning pain of trying to breathe when their was no air. She'd struggled against it, unable to accept her fate, until her limbs wouldn't obey her and spots danced in her eyes.

In her dreams she was still there, above Alchera, struggling ...

"That airlock shouldn't be open!"

Shepard jerked out of her thoughts at Liara's shout. The asari had taken only a few steps before coming to a stop in front of the airlock, her small frame radiating tension. The airlock sat wide open, the gaping doors resembling a cavernous grinning mouth in the side of the facility. It was pitch black beyond the doors and Shepard drew her shotgun as a prickling sensation spread over the back of her neck.

_I have a bad feeling about this._

She said nothing as she swept past Liara, bringing her shotgun up and flicking on the light beam as she made her way into the gloom. The air was alive with glittering dust inside the doors and the particles spun in pretty patterns as she moved her beam in broad sweeps. The airlock led into what had once been mess hall and, judging from the number of bodies, it had been doing a roaring trade when the airlock was opened and the room vented.

A few more steps inside and she discovered the first body. A young woman lay just inside the door, her body frozen in its death throes. One well-manicured hand clutched at her throat and the other reached out in desperation, as though imploring someone for help. Shepard knelt and rolled the woman over, sighing to herself as she saw eyes that had rolled to white and a mouth that was twisted and gaping.

_No one deserved to die like this._

"They vented the room while they were still inside?" Kaidan moved his beam from body to body, _so many of them_ , his voice tight with horror. "Poor bastards."

"There's nothing we can do. We should keep moving." Shepard straightened and stepped away, hating the way the woman's sightless white eyes seemed to follow her accusingly as she backed away.

Fear trickled down her spine like ice as she passed body after body, some of them still sitting at the mess hall, some with forks still in their hands. They all wore the same dreadful expression of panic and desperation. _Is this how I died?_ Shepard wondered as she passed the body of a man whose eyes were pink and bulging. _Was this how I looked when they found me?  
_

"How could they do this?" Liara's voice was thick with the horror that Shepard felt, and with a numb sort of awareness she realised that Liara probably knew these people.

"I don't know, but this is bad." Despite the cloying fear that she felt from the sight of so many twisted bodies, Shepard managed to keep herself calm as they made their way through the room. "Even by Cerberus standards this is cold."

She saw Kaidan turn his head in her direction and her heart sank as she imagined what he would make of her comments. _This_ was what he thought she was capable of. _This_ was what he thought she had been doing while she worked for Cerberus. He was probably looking around at all of these poor people and wondering if she'd known what they'd find.

"I guess now we know why no one was answering our hails." Kaidan's tone throbbed with anger and his biotics tingled along her skin as his emotions made them flare. "This is monstrous."

_Like me, right Kaidan?_

As they reached the bottom of the stairs to the dining area, the internal security grills on the windows began to raise and Shepard silently signalled for them to take cover. Almost as one, they flicked their lights off and dropped low, using the clutter on the benches to mask their position as they caught a glimpse of their foe. Shepard counted five well-armed Cerberus troops. They were talking as they peered through the windows into the dining facility, almost as though looking for someone.

 _How could they know we're here?_ It was a puzzle, but Shepard wasn't willing to wait and find out. She caught Liara's eye and nodded at her, pleased when her friend immediately created a singularity behind the men that was so strong that it flooded the room with a glowing blue light and pulled all of the troops into the air. Kaidan needed no prompting either and he shot out the glass in the windows and powered forward, wisps of blue trailing off him as his barrier flickered around him.

Red hot anger surged through her and with a low growl Shepard charged into the blinding light of Liara's singularity. She smashed into the troopers with the speed of a bullet, her shoulder ramming into one man with enough force to send him ricocheting into the far wall. Then, with practiced ease, she used the gravity of the singularity to swing herself around and aim a solid kick at another man. Her biotics enveloped her leg in a blazing light as she struck him with all of her strength, a wave of grim satisfaction bursting through her as his armour crumpled under the blow and ruptured.

Gun fire erupted around her and Shepard dropped to the ground, watching as Kaidan shot one trooper at point blank range and used a cryo blast on another with devastating effect. Liara, always so quiet and unassuming, put two bullets into the last man caught in her singularity and then gracefully jumped through the broken window into the control room. Her biotics shimmering as she sailed through and landed.

"Well," she said as she dusted herself off and helped Shepard up. "let's get this airlock closed, shall we?"

Her boots crunched over bloodied broken glass and twisted metal as she followed Liara to a nearby terminal, Kaidan covering them from the rear. It was cowardly, but after all the death and horror in the mess hall, she couldn't bring herself to look at him. She was too scared of what she would see burning in his amber eyes. How could she blame him for hating Cerberus when they were capable of such hideously cruel acts?

"Got it." Liara triumphantly stepped back from the computer as the airlock sealed and the room pressurised.

Shepard peeled her helmet off with trembling hands, ignoring her red hair as it tumbled out, sticky with sweat, and fell over her eyes. This was not the time for her to be focusing on her feelings for Kaidan, not when there was a war to be won against the Reapers, and yet _he_ was all she could think about as she heard him pull his helmet off. If she looked into his face and saw disgust and hate in his eyes, what would she do?

Her heart squeezed painfully in her chest as she remembered the cold way he'd look at her on Horizon; rejecting her out of hand and ignoring everything she said. She'd wanted his help and had needed him, but he hadn't even stuck around to hear her out. He'd just walked away and _that_ had hurt. It _still_ hurt. If she looked up now and saw _that_ look …

_No._

Shepard tightened her hand into a fist and slowly raised her eyes, determined to face her fears head on. After all, being frightened of what she would see in Kaidan's eyes wasn't going to change how he felt or what she saw. He could either accept that she had moved on from Cerberus or continue to doubt her. There was nothing she could do to change his mind.

Kaidan had always been stubborn

* * *

**A/N – Phew, I feel like I'm laying on the angst with a trowel! ^_^ I hope you're enjoying it. Please do drop me a review and let me know what you thought of the chapter, and let me know if you're happy for me to continue this story on through the rest of ME3. Longer chapters and sexy Shenko moments await!**


	9. Chapter 9

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N - Many thanks to the people who reviewed my last chapter** (TLCinbflo, Jules Hawk, Ella11, Zulija, Nicniviean, Simone TRH, Katiecav. BananaphoneBob, Jason Thursday, Kateriel79, QueenFreckles, Chaseingthewind, Warden Adalia, PrincessofDarkness159, MizDirected, Shade Phantom, Lady Aimee and the guests.) **and to those who encouraged me to keep going. I'll be continuing this fic on and pushing it all the way until Post-ME3 territory.**

**Enjoy this chapter and as always, I would love to know what you thought.**

* * *

Kaidan swallowed the bile that rose in the back of his throat as he looked at the dead bodies slumped in the mess hall. All those innocent people. Dead. And for what? What could Cerberus possibly be playing at? Even if he believed for a moment that they had the best interests of Earth at heart, _which he didn't_ , why go up against the Alliance so blatantly? Why not steal these plans in secret and leave a copy for the Alliance too?

Killing these people in such a cruel manner made his blood boil. No one deserved to die gasping for breath, terrified and in agony. He turned away from the mess hall as rage coiled around him, squeezing until his chest burned and he felt lightheaded from anger. He wanted to hurt the person responsible, to make them pay for what they had done to these people.

The Cerberus troopers they'd encountered so far were mere ants, bugs to be swatted aside. He wanted to find the person in charge! To find the monster who authorised the venting of this room, and make them pay. It was an anger so close to violence, that Kaidan's hands shook.

In moments like these, he envied Shepard her vanguard abilities.

He unclipped his helmet with hands that trembled with fury and wrenched it off, fastening it to his belt in quick, angry movements. The rage that had allowed him to break a Vynnus' neck as a teenager swelled inside of him, growing until he felt dwarfed by it. Injustice and cruelty always stirred him, and right now it fed his fury.

Beside him, Shepard pulled her helmet off and her hair fell in a tangle over her face, the long red strands sticking to her skin. How did she feel about walking through that tomb? Did she hate Cerberus as much as her did? Gina, like him, despised seeing civilians killed, and he knew she would be feeling this too. He couldn't see her eyes, but her skin looked clammy and pale as she sucked in a breath of air.

Nervously, she brushed her hair away from her face and looked up at him, her green eyes searching his with an almost desperate intensity. _What did she expect to find?_ For a long, lingering moment she looked into his face, green eyes against gold, then her lips thinned and she averted her eyes, oozing disappointment. Kaidan clenched his jaw as Shepard moved to speak to quietly to Liara.

She looked upset, but he was too angry at what he'd seen in that room to talk to her right now. If he followed her to find out what was wrong, he'd say something stupid and end up upsetting her more. He didn't want that. Not after how badly he'd fucked things up on Horizon when he'd let his temper get the better of him.

Kaidan turned and stared into the darkness of the mess hall, the wet glint of dead eyes shining like ghoulish stars in the gloom. The sight of them sent a roll of nausea through his stomach and he quickly turned away. It wasn't the sight of the dead that bothered him, it was the callousness of this act that left him feeling unsettled. Something about it had thrown Shepard too, and seeing him so angry had made it worse …

His blood iced over and his heart froze in his chest as he whirled to look at Shepard. Did she think he was mad at _her_? The anger abated momentarily as Shepard whispered something to Liara moved off, scouting the area. The asari narrowed her eyes and stalked to him with a look of blistering disbelief across her features.

He knew what Liara would say before she opened her mouth, that she would blame him for upsetting Shepard. It was frustrating. He was angry because Cerberus had slaughtered all those people, and he had every right to feel that way! He wasn't aiming his anger at Shepard, or blaming her for those deaths.

Seething, he stowed his weapon and shivered as the presence of the dead settled like a weight on his back.

"You idiot! Didn't you see her face?" Liara demanded quietly as she whirled to a stop in front of him, her anger palpable.

Kaidan glared back, defensive. "Of course I saw her face. She looked just as horrified as I felt. What's that got to do with _anything_?"

"She's _scared_ , Kaidan."

His rage, still simmering, abruptly cooled at those words and he looked over at Shepard. "Of me?"

She was scanning some bodies against the far wall, her back to them. There was a tension to her that hadn't been their prior to coming through that room, and Kaidan's shoulders sagged. Had he'd contributed to that? He winced as regret, sharp as glass, slashed at his insides.

 _Don't be scared of me,_ he thought at her helplessly.

"Of _you_?" Liara repeated his words as she pulled him to the mess windows, and pointed at the bodies. "What do you see when you out there?"

"Lots and lots of innocent people who lost their lives because of Cerberus."

She made a sound of frustration and slammed her hand on the window sill, narrowing missing broken glass. "Look closely, Kaidan! Look at their faces! Look how they died!"

Realisation dawned on him like a ton of bricks, crushing the last vestiges of anger from him as he gaped at the shadowy bodies. He saw them all; bulging eyes, protruding tongues, the look of fear, and yet he saw nothing. In each face he saw Shepard as he'd seen her in his nightmares, frightened, dying and alone.

Instead of rage around his chest, he felt the iron bands of anxiety tighten as he remembered the day he'd lost Shepard over Alchera. His heart thumped in his chest, each beat accusing him of abandoning her to die, of leaving her to suffocate alone in space. He hadn't wanted to believe she was gone, wasn't able to believe she it was true until days later when they found her dog tags. Even now, months on, he could remember the crushing grief.

As he'd walked through the room with all those lifeless eyes watching him, he hadn't stopped to think about Shepard. He hadn't thought that she had died like this. Did she remember any of it? Her final moments on the Normandy when she ordered him to leave? Saving Jokers life at the cost of her life? Being flung into space and into Alchera?

He hoped not.

But the look in her eyes earlier said otherwise. Liara was right. When she'd looked at him, searching his face, she'd been scared and looking for reassurance. Instead all she'd seen was anger, and after the way he'd treated her earlier she assumed it was aimed at her. His barbs about her working for Cerberus had found their marks; she thought he was blaming these deaths on her.

_Shit!_

Inwardly cursing himself for losing his temper, he backed away from the mess hall and started towards Shepard, determined to put things right and let her know that his anger was for Cerberus, not for her. _Never again_. He'd been a fool, _such a fool_ , but he wasn't going to make the same mistake he'd made earlier in the elevator.

"Commander?" He drew to a halt, his body humming with tension as he reached out and clasped her shoulder. "Shepard?"

With a roll of her shoulders she dislodged his hand and half-turned her head so she could see him. "What is it, Major?"

His hand dropped to his side and Kaidan shifted his weight awkwardly, feeling like he'd been slapped in face. Suddenly he didn't know what to say. Shepard sounded tired, angry and frightened all at once, and he wasn't sure where to begin. Now wasn't the time for a deep and meaningful, but he had to clear this up.

"Well?" she prompted.

Kaidan rallied and softened his voice, determined to reach her. "I didn't … _think_."

"Excuse me?"

"I didn't think." He repeated again and shrugged. "I was so angry at what Cerberus had done to those people that I didn't stop to think about you."

Shepard turned away from him, her eyes flashing with green fire. "I'm fine."

"You're not fine. You're upset and I made it worse by glaring at you." He curled his hand into a fist to stop it from reaching out to touch her again. "I didn't think about Alchera or your …"

_Death._

He couldn't bring himself to say it.

"Do you know how I died, Kaidan?" She turned and faced him properly, her red hair mattered with sweat and shadows around her eyes, terrible and beautiful all at once.

"Not the details," Kaidan confessed.

He knew what Hackett had reluctantly told him; that Shepard had died over Alchera, most likely from suffocation. The Alliance didn't know precisely how she'd died, never having found her remains, but her suit hadn't been rigged for long term vacuum exposure.

"My suit was damaged when I was knocked from the Normandy." She kept her eyes trained on him as she spoke, and they bore into him remorselessly. "It ruptured and leaked air faster than the tanks could supply it. I tried to stay awake, to wait for help, but I couldn't breathe, I was cold and I _hurt_." The fear in her voice shocked him, and he swallowed nervously. "I died, Kaidan. I died like _them_ and I remember every second of what it was like."

The image of Shepard that haunted his dreams, struggling and screaming as she died, flashed through his mind, and his chest burned as he imagined her final moments. Frightened, alone and hurting. Desperately, he forced it from his mind. He wanted to hold her in his arms, bury his face in her hair and assure her that everything was going to be alright, but the distance stretched between them yet again.

"I'm so sorry."

"It's okay, I'm alive now." She drew in a deep breath and gave him a pointed smile as she added, "believe it or not."

Their eyes met again and Kaidan shivered in his armour, chilled by something that had nothing to do with the temperature. Her words cut to his heart, sharp as a knife and poisonous as venom, exactly as she intended them to. Kaidan tore his eyes away. What good was armour, he wondered, when Shepard's words cut him far deeper than any Cerberus trooper could?

"I don't trust Cerberus, it's true, but I know you could never do anything like that." He nodded towards the mess hall, desperate to make Gina understand that he didn't blame her. "I wasn't angry with you, just with Cerberus."

For a heartbeat she said nothing, then she shrugged. "I wish I believed that."

She held his eyes for a moment longer, then turned back to the terminal. Kaidan watched numbly as she scanned through the security footage, her silence making it clear that the discussion was over. When Liara joined them he stepped back, his body moving on autopilot as he tried to process what had just happened.

_She didn't trust him ...  
_

"Wait, what was that?" Shepard's voice pulled him from his thoughts and Kaidan made himself look at the monitor.

The screen showed two Alliance officers sitting at their desks, the same two men who were now lying slumped across the terminals in front of them. He expected to see Cerberus executing them, and he did, but not in the way he thought. When Dr. Eva walked in view of the security feed and shot them both in the head, then closed down the tramways, Kaidan saw red.

_She was the one behind it._

_All those people dead because of her._

Shepard made a sound of rage and her biotics crawled along his skin, sizzling and crackling like an electric current. Kaidan tightened his hand on his gun and glanced at her, their eyes meeting in silent agreement. They had to focus on what mattered; getting across the tramway, stopping Dr. Eva and retrieving the prothean data.

Everything else could wait until after Mars, right now they had a job to do.

* * *

**A/N - Oh the angst! You all know how bad I am at dipping my toe in the angst pool. I hope you enjoyed it!**


	10. Chapter 10

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N - I'm back at work now, so updates may be once every week and a half instead of every week, apologies for this. I will try my hardest to update as frequently as I can. A big thank you to my followers and reviewers for your comments on the last chapter. Another heart breaking chapter for you this time, I'm afraid! Enjoy!**

* * *

The wind howled against the control room windows like a hungry ghost, it's long sandy fingers beating relentlessly on the facility as it sought entrance. Again and again the wind wailed outside, and Kaidan shivered as the shriek from the storm rose in pitch, thrumming at an unpleasant frequently which set his teeth on edge.

The tramway was locked out, just as they'd known it would be, and Kaidan crossed his arms over his chest as Liara tried yet _another_ series of hacks to bypass the system. Her hack would fail, and they both knew it, but none of them were willing to believe that they had come so far only to fail at the last minute. There had to be another way through, he just had to think and use logic.

Problem solving was _his_ strength.

Shepard worked her way through problems with brute force, Liara with cunning and information, but he used sense and logic. His eyes narrowed as he mulled over potential scenarios to bypass the system, but none were promising. The only solution he could see was a long shot: if they couldn't get to the trams, then the trams would have to come to them.

"The tramway is completely locked out, there's no way across from our side." Liara sat back in her seat, frustration playing across her delicate features.

"Not necessarily." Kaidan saw Shepard's gaze flick to him as he spoke, her eyes unreadable. "If we can find a short range transceiver, helmet to helmet, we might have a shot."

"And?" Shepard flashed him a dubious look. "They're not going to send a tram over just because we ask nicely."

Liara's mouth twitched in amusement and Kaidan ignored the subtle jab. "No, but we could try and convince them that we're on their side. Most of the guards back there were from Delta squad, we could …"

The skeptical expression vanished from her face and Shepard whirled to face him. "Shit, that might actually work. Cerberus employees aren't known for being the brightest of sparks." She sounded impressed, and some of the hostility faded from her eyes. "Good idea, Major. See what you can find."

A warm flush danced through his veins at her praise, and Kaidan grinned, letting Shepard see how much her words meant to him. He needed to fix the hurt he'd unintentionally caused her, it was like a driving beat inside of his heart; _I don't hate you! I don't blame you! I trust you!_ The words so loud inside his own head that he wanted to scream them at Shepard until she listened ...

_Yeah, as if she's going to listen to you!  
_

Kaidan nodded at Shepard and strode from the room. Finding Cerberus troops turned out to be easier than expected; two of them were sprawled on the floor just beyond the Control Room. Congealed blackened blood lay in a pool around them, and it glinted dully under the lighting. There was a nose-wrinkling sour smell in the air too, and the closer he got to the dead troopers, the stronger it became.

_What the hell?_

"Shepard," he knelt by the bodies and ignored the stench emanating from them, "I've found something."

"What have you got?" She appeared with Liara in tow and hunkered down on the ground, her lip curling as she caught a whiff of the troopers. "Jesus, how long have they been here? They smell like they're rotting."

Liara frowned. "The troops only arrived today, but several others had a similar smell."

"Gross."

Shepard pulled a disgusted face and set to work removing the faceplate from the helmet, her gloved fingers making quick work of it. Kaidan watched as she pried it free, unable to tear his eyes away as she caught her lower lip with her teeth in concentration. He was so close to her that he could see the dusting of freckles on her skin. They were achingly familiar, and he was seized by an urge to reach up and touch them, to trace his hand along the curve of her cheek …

Blushing, he clenched his hands into fists and focused on the body as she pulled the faceplate away. It came free on a vile wave of stench that sent him reeling backwards, and he pressed the back of his hand to his mouth, gagging, as he scuttled away. The smell beneath the trooper's helmet was a foul mixture of burnt skin, rotting flesh and a sour medicinal scent that reminded him of hospitals.

The man's skin was a pallid, bloodless grey, blotched with darker patches of blackened rot, the sight of which made his stomach heave. Where there should have been eyes, there were only glowing blue orbs, soulless and empty. The man's mouth gaped open and the tongue inside was black and swollen …

"He looks like a husk!" Kaidan gasped as he pushed himself to his feet, terror spreading in a prickling rush over his skin.

Shepard stayed squatting in front of it, her mouth twisting with disgust as she reached in and grabbed the transceiver. "Not quite a husk, but they've done something to him, that's for sure."

Kaidan frowned and watched as she tilted the helmet back for a better look, unease spreading through him as he noted her clinical expression and lack of response. Those blue sightless eyes filled him with a heavy sense of dread, and made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. Why didn't she feel equally as horrified?

_Was this how she had looked when they first brought her back?_

He almost choked on the thought, panic and horror rising up through him and wrapping themselves tightly around his chest as he thought of Shepard as a husk. For a moment he could barely breathe, and an image of her, rotted and blackened with empty glowing eyes, drifted through his mind. He recoiled from the thought instantly and swallowed hard, focusing on Shepard as she knelt in front of him.

"And by _them_ , you mean Cerberus, right?" He stepped closer, ignoring the smell as Shepard climbed to her feet and flicked gore off the transceiver. "How could they do this to their own people? Is this what they did to you?"

"What?" Shepard whirled to face him. "What did you say?"

"I just mean that, well, you _died._ And this thing is …"

"Are you comparing me this _thing_? To a husk? Is that would you see when you look at me?" Her lips thinned and her green eyes blazed as she fired off her questions, her biotics flaring with rage. "Is this what I am to you? A rotted dead _thing_?"

Her voice cracked sharply and it stabbed into Kaidan's heart like a knife, twisting painfully as she stared at him as though _he_ were the monster.

"I don't think you're a monster or a husk, Shepard. That … that came out wrong. But you _died,_ and Anderson told me that when he saw you on the Citadel, back when you first woke up, that your eyes glowed …"

The anger faded from her as quickly as it appeared. Her eyes dropped to the husk and then back to him, and the pain and disappointment in them tore at him _. I've hurt her_ , Kaidan realised, _I've hurt her badly_. She shook her head and turned away, drawing in a deep breath as though fighting to control her emotions. His biotics fluttered, reacting with hers as they always had, and he desperately tried to explain himself.

"Shepard, Cerberus took your body and rebuilt you. I don't know what they did to you. I just want to know if the woman who fought beside me on Eden Prime, who risked her own to save mine on Virmire," he drew in a shaky breath as his heart thumped painfully in his chest. "If the woman I cared for is still in there."

"Kaidan," she breathed his name on a sigh as she faced him, her expression sad and angry all at once. "I never left. If you'd just opened your eyes on Horizon …" Her green eyes flicked to the transceiver in her hand and she turned to look out over the tramway. "I don't know what it will take to convince you. Even taking down the Collectors wasn't enough."

"Gina." He stepped towards her, shame welling up as he finally saw the truth behind her words. "I'm sorry. It's Cerberus I don't trust, not you."

She shrugged and turned away with a finality that broke his heart. "It doesn't matter anymore, does it? In the end, I'm not the one who's changed. You did."

He watched her walk away and an awful hollow feeling settled in his chest, a feeling that tasted like panic and despair ...

_No_.

Kaidan clenched his hands into fists; he was _not_ going to let her walk away from him! Back on Alchera he hadn't been able to save her life, but this time he could fight, and he'd be damned if he'd let her slip away from him again! Maybe she was right and _he_ was the one who'd changed, but his feelings for her were the same as ever.

He loved her and somehow he was going to find a way to prove it.

* * *

**A/N - Oh dear, these two just seem to keep making thing worse! I hope you enjoyed the chapter! I love hearing your thoughts, so drop me a comment if you have the time!**


	11. Chapter 11

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N - I'm actually embarrassed at how long it took to get this chapter out, but in my defense I had a horrible week and had a terrible bout of writers block. I have to thank TLCinbflo and Nicniviean for both going out of their way to help me through this week. Without their support I probably would have given up on this chapter and thrown it into the too hard basket.**

**I really hope you enjoy this chapter.**

* * *

Art by [LadyHawk76](http://ladyhawk76.deviantart.com/)

* * *

 

Kaidan's heart sank in his chest, heavy as lead, as the only woman he'd ever loved walked away from him. She moved to the railing with her head up, back straight, appearing every inch the proud soldier … except for the slump in her soldiers and the air of defeat. In that moment, Kaidan would have given anything to take back his stupid question about the husk. It had been thoughtless and cruel, and he'd hurt her.

Every instinct in his body screamed at him to go after Shepard and put things right; to make her understand that he did love her, and did trust her. His fears about Cerberus controlling her seemed pathetic when stacked up to the hurt he'd caused by voicing them. Why hadn't he kept his stupid mouth shut? Why hadn't he thought about what he was saying before the words came out of his mouth?

"Shepard, wait …" He started towards her, intending to apologise, but Liara stepped in front of him and blocked his path, her expression severe.

"Leave her be." Liara spoke quietly as, behind her, Shepard began to talk into the transceiver. "You've done enough damage, don't you see that? Shepard has been hurt enough without you opening your mouth _again_ and making it worse."

Her blue eyes, normally so serene, flashed angrily and she crossed her arms over her chest. Somehow, Liara seemed stronger and more intimidating than she ever had before, and Kaidan took a step back before he knew what he was doing. He gave himself a small shake and folded his own arms over his chest, mirroring her body language as he retook the step.

"I know I keep saying the wrong thing, that's why I have to apologise." Kaidan frowned at Liara, the hair on the back of his neck prickling at her assertive behaviour. "I have to explain myself."

Liara shook her head forcefully. "No. You made your position quite clear; you don't like Cerberus, and Shepard gets that." She stepped closer and her biotic aura crawled over his skin unpleasantly, like scurrying bugs. "But don't blame her for something that's out of her control. She had no choice in Cerberus bringing her back. If you want to blame someone for that, blame me." She drew in a deep breath and look him in the eye. "I'm the one that gave Cerberus her body."

_I'm the one that gave Cerberus her body._

Kaidan gaped at Liara as her words sunk in, and every scrap of colour drained from his face. _Liara, gentle, sweet Liara, had given Shepard to those monsters to do god-knows-what with her body?_ He stepped back from her, repulsed, and Liara stared at him defiantly, her chin held high and her eyes burning with righteousness as they bored into his.

Truth be told, he'd never let himself think about how Cerberus might have managed to get hold of Shepard's remains, though he never would have suspected Liara of being behind it. She was too nice, too gentle and far too quiet to do something so terrible to her friend's remains. Or so he'd thought. He could only imagine how desperate she must have been to get Shepard back; it was the only thing that explained her actions.

_She's still in love with her._

He shook his head in shock and frowned at her, confused. "How could you …"

"Cerberus is on the way." Shepard interrupted them unexpectedly, her face a polite mask as she pointed to the platform behind her. "If you two are finished whispering, perhaps we could set up a little welcoming party?"

Kaidan dragged his eyes from Liara's piercing gaze and watched as Shepard casually dropped the transceiver on the ground. "Did they believe you?"

She shrugged, and her eyes lingered on Kaidan's long enough for him to see the hurt in them. It broke his heart all over again to know that he was the one who'd put that look in her eyes, and he dropped his gaze first. He really was an idiot! The woman he loved was right in front of him, and all he'd done so far was hurt her.

"Well, if they didn't, we're going to find out soon enough." She cleared her throat and Kaidan raised his eyes to find her watching him. "I'm going to put you into flanking positions. Major, I want you near that stack of crates on the left side of the platform. Liara, you take those boxes on the right. I'll be waiting up here to pick off any that get through."

_Major_.

Kaidan flinched inwardly at the use of his rank rather than his name, but he nodded. "Good idea."

Shepard flashed him a look that said she thought he was mocking her, then she turned and moved into position. As he moved past her, her biotics tingled over his skin like a warm wave, and his own body flared unconsciously in response. Shepard went rigid, her hands tightened on her gun and she pulled out of his range as though his aura burned her.

Embarrassed, Kaidan flushed and hurried into position, trying to ignore the pickling feeling on the back of his neck, as though someone was watching him. Was it Shepard? Were her eyes on him right now? He forced himself to focus on the tramway and not look back at her. It was bad enough that he'd committed the ultimate biotic faux pas and leaked energy on her, he didn't want to make it worse by turning around and staring at her.

Kaidan clenched his jaw and strengthened his barrier as the tram trundled into view, and rolled to a stop with a metallic clang. He almost felt sorry for the Cerberus troops as they strolled out unaware of the trap, and were promptly flung screaming over the edge of the platform by one of Shepard's throws. The remaining troops put up more of a fight from the inside of the tram car, but against three powerful biotics they didn't stand a chance, and the fight was over within minutes.

"Let's move." Shepard swept past him, snagging a spare ammo clip from the floor and tucking it into a pocket. "Stay sharp, they're not likely to sit back and let us roll in without a fight. Even Cerberus isn't that stupid."

Kaidan slid his breather helmet on, and followed Shepard into the tram carriage, aware of Liara walking a few steps behind him. Her presence made him uncomfortable and he rolled his shoulders to dispel the itchy feeling from between his shoulder blades. He'd always trusted Liara and her calm bookish ways, but not anymore; Liara was not who he thought she was.

He still couldn't believe that she was the one who had given Shepard's body to Cerberus, and that she'd done it without telling any of them. They'd all mourned Gina's death; Liara should have told them!

Kaidan sighed and looked at Shepard as she fiddled with the tram controls. _No_ , he decided suddenly, _it was better that Liara had acted alone_. If she'd come to them, they would have insisted that Shepard's remains be brought home and given a proper burial, and if that had happened, Shepard would be here now.

_Alive._

His heart contracted painfully at the thought of her being gone again, and he stepped up beside her. "Shepard, do you have a minute?"

"Is it about the mission?" Her eyes flicked to him as she fixed her helmet in place.

"No, but I …"

"Then save it for later. I don't need any more distractions." She turned to the controls and activated the tram, her tone making it clear that she wasn't going to discuss it further.

Kaidan bit his tongue and turned around, mortified that she thought of him a distraction. Worse still, part of him knew she was right; Shepard was hurting, and he'd done nothing but make things worse every time he opened his mouth. As much as he wanted to explain himself and set things right, he needed to wait until after the mission.

Reluctantly, he joined Liara as she examined a Cerberus body, and flicked his comm channel over to private. "Why didn't you tell me?"

She didn't even glance up as she nimbly worked the helmet off the corpse. "About Shepard and Cerberus?"

"Yes."

"You would have tried to stop me." She pushed away from the body and rocked back on her heels, her attention focused on the husk-like face beneath. It was blackened, rotten and oozing a thick slime that made Kaidan glad he couldn't smell it.

"Maybe," he acknowledged quietly, tearing his eyes off the hideously twisted face.

"You would have," Liara insisted. "Besides, Cerberus didn't know if they could bring her back. When I found her …" She paused, visibly struggling with her memories, and with a small, stricken sound, she stood up. Her eyes were haunted as she took his hand and squeezed it tightly. "You _don't_ want to know what state she was in."

Kaidan swallowed hard as the tormented faces of the people in the mess hall passed before his eyes. He shivered and returned the pressure on her hand. Liara was right, he didn't want to know what had happened to Shepard, or what Cerberus had done once they had her body. However Liara tried to justify it, what she'd done was wrong, and yet … Shepard was back because of _her_.

_If I'd known she was hunting for Shepard's body to bring her back …_

He dropped her hand and sighed. "You should have told _me_ , Liara. Even putting aside the ethical issues, you knew how I felt about her. Seeing Shepard on Horizon like that, with no warning ..."

"I didn't know they'd brought her back either! When she showed up on Illium, I … I …" Her voice cracked and she clenched her jaw, the muscles jumping. "Once I handed her over, that was it. They cut me out."

"You just gave her to them like a piece of meat?"

The words burst from him angrily, and Kaidan seized her upper arm, pulling her close as rage seared through him. Liara _working_ with Cerberus to bring Shepard back was one thing, but Liara handing her over and then _walking away_ , was a completely different thing. They could have done anything to her! God only knows what they'd done to her remains before they finally brought her back!

Liara pulled herself free and glared at him, her eyes burning angrily like twin stars. "I did what I had to do to get her back. None of you could have done it! None of you had the guts to do what had to be done." Her eyes, so angry, suddenly filled with tears and she curled her hands into fists, as though fighting not to strike him. "She never should have died up there! She spent her life saving other people and she died up there! _Alone_!" She turned away as a sob burst from her lips, and strode to the nearest window.

Liara gripped the sill tightly and Kaidan listened through the comms as she drew in several deep breaths. His anger faded, and his heart went out to her; he'd spent years working through his survivor's guilt and struggling with the idea of Shepard dying alone.

He knew exactly how she felt.

"Liara …"

"Don't." She whirled to face him and viciously stabbed a finger at his chest, her tone defensive. "You act like I did something monstrous, but I'm the reason she's alive! Don't act like you're not happy to have her back too!"

The air between them shimmered with tension and Kaidan nodded as he stepped back, letting out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding. "You're right. I am glad she's back." He looked over his shoulder at Shepard as she stood at the tram controls, oblivious to the discussion that had happened behind her back.

Liara let out a shaky breath and she followed his gaze. "Then act like it. Trust her."

They stood together in silence as the tram rolled on, taking them ever closer to the archives and their target. Ahead of them stretched the station, and Kaidan could see the tiny figures of Cerberus troops scuttling back and forth as they prepared to face them. They would try to stop them, and they would fail, because no matter how good Cerberus were, Shepard was better.

And she'd proved it time and again.

"Thank you, Liara." Kaidan glanced at her as he readied his gun and brought up his barrier in preparation for the fight. "You're a good friend."

Liara shifted slightly but kept her eyes on Shepard as she replied, "you're welcome. But just so we're clear, I didn't do this for you, Kaidan." She turned to face him, and her eyes no longer shone with tears, instead they were burning with purpose. "I did it for her."

* * *

**A/N - The next chapter is officially the end of the Mars missions, and I think we all know what happens *wibbles*. I'd love to know what you thought of this chapter, so if you have time please drop me a review! ^_^**

**And now for some shameless fic promotion - I wrote a short oneshot about the crazy batarian doom sayer on Omega. It's called Meat for the Beast and if you have time, I'd love you to check it out! It's only short and very silly.**


	12. Chapter 12

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – Good news everyone! I wrote an extra drabble of Distance that fits in between the last chapter and this one. It's _only_ posted on my Deviant Art account (which you can get to via my profile) and it's called _Walking Away (Distance)_ – the drabble is in the description of the image. I hope you all check it out and enjoy it. I also have had some cover art done for this fic. It's so cute! You can also view it via my favourites list on Deviant Art. It's by Stuppid-Bunny and it's so cute!  
**

**Thank you to everyone following along and reading - especially big thank you to my reviewers! You make my day with your feedback and comments! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I may have made myself cry at the end, so let me know what you thought of it!  
**

* * *

The last Cerberus troop fell to the floor with a heavy _thunk_ , his head a ruined mess of gore and blood. His tower shield spun lazily above his head in Liara's singularity, blue waves of biotic energy rippling over it. Kaidan ejected a red-hot thermal clip from his gun, and came out from behind cover, double checking the dead before signalling for the others to move forward into the archive room.

Silently, he followed them in.

The archive room stretched around them cavernously; the space dominated by a large prothean artefact. Terminals and display screens were hooked up to it, and Kaidan's skin tingled unpleasantly as he noticed that the artefact looked suspiciously like a beacon. With a jolt his mind threw up images of the beacon on Eden Prime, and he swallowed hard as he remembered being dragged forward against his will. The power beating against his body like a thick, wet current; impossible to resist.

It sent shivers down his spine to remember it.

"Kaidan." Shepard's voice pulled him from his thoughts, and Kaidan glanced up to find her watching him. "Check the perimeter."

"I'm on it."

He moved off without another word, leaving Liara and Shepard to push the buttons and download the data. The archive room sat around him as still and silent as a tomb. The only sound to break the perfect silence were that of Liara and Shepard speaking in hushed tones as they approached the artefact.

For some reason the silence gave him the chills, and Kaidan nervously bit his lower lip as he edged around the room, his mind wandering as his eyes did their job. He still wasn't sure what to make of Liara giving Shepard's body to Cerberus. On one hand, he burned with fury just knowing that Liara had gone out on her own, without telling any of them what she was doing. And a small, petty voice in the back of his head wondered if Liara had _deliberately_ chosen to keep him away from Shepard.

Kaidan shook his head at his own insecurities. _Idiot_ , he condemned himself, _Liara wouldn't do that_. She'd attended Shepard's memorial on Earth, and witnessed first hand how Shepard's death had torn him apart. If Liara had kept quiet about going after Shepard, it was because she'd known that he'd demand Shepard's body be returned to Earth.

_To lay her to rest and allow them all to say a final goodbye._

But now, thanks to Liara, he'd never have to say that final goodbye. Shepard _lived_ ; she breathed, bled and fought - _just like he did!_ The thought sent a jolt through him. It burned like a spark of energy, breaking through the numbness that had engulfed him the moment Shepard evacuated on the Normandy.

For the first time in hours, clarity washed over him like cool water and chased away his muddied thoughts. The storm clouds buzzing around his head cleared, the indecision swaying inside of him vanished, and his heart thumped painfully in his chest.

_Shepard is alive._

His heart ached, and a swell of yearning wound through him, an emotion so strong it brought tears to his eyes. It was a terrible feeling - a sense of missing something important. A lonely wrenching feeling that tore at his heart. He _wanted_ to be with Shepard again. He wanted to hold her body against his, press his face into her hair, and know that she was his, and he was hers.

_Shepard is alive_.

Kaidan drowned in memory and sensation; remembering the delicious slide of his sweat-slicked skin against hers, the sweet taste of her lips, and the tingle of her biotics along his skin. Their first night together had blown his mind, and he grinned at the memory. They'd been so nervous, but so _ravenously_ hungry for each other that they made love long into the night. Looking back now, he wondered why they'd waited so long to get together; _I fell in love with Shepard the moment I saw her._

The sound of raised voices reached him, and Kaidan looked over to see Shepard talking to a hologram. _Some kind of interface maybe?_ He frowned, it didn't look like any kind of holographic interface he'd ever seen, and though he couldn't make out what it was saying, the tone was patronising. A buzzing at the back of his head started, almost like a warning, and the space between his shoulders began to itch.

_Something is wrong._

He squinted at the hologram from across the room, but the figure wasn't familiar. It looked like a man - middle aged with greying hair, a stern face, and eyes that _glowed_ blue. For some reason those eyes made his skin crawl, and the hairs on the back of his neck stood to attention. The man screamed trouble, and though there no proof to back it up, Kaidan would have bet an entire year of pay that the man had Cerberus links.

He hurried to complete his perimeter check, eager to discover the identity of the mystery man. A soft beeping sound, so quiet he almost missed it, caught his attention, and he froze, narrowing his eyes and glancing towards a tiny alcove ahead of him. _A Cerberus ambush?_ He wondered as he crept forward with his assault rifle ready, half expecting to see the enemy huddled inside.

Kaidan edged around the corner and froze; a woman leaned over a control panel. His eyes widened as he recognised her, and Kaidan brought his gun up on reflex and edged forward.

_It was that murderous Cerberus bitch; Doctor Eva._

Rage hummed through Kaidan's body as he approached the monster responsible for so much death and destruction. Eva didn't appear to notice as he approached from behind; her attention focused entirely on the terminal in front of her.

_She's downloading the data!_

Kaidan broke free from his fury and strode forward, speaking in a commanding voice as he barked orders at her, "Hands up and step away from the terminal."

Eva froze, then glanced at him over a shoulder, her expression somewhere between calculating and amused as she looked him up and down. Kaidan had a glimpse of empty brown eyes, flawless matte skin and pouty lips … then she moved in a blur of speed. She smashed the terminal, and it flared brightly as it sparked. Kaidan stumbled back, blinded, and grunted as Eva slammed into him, knocking him to the ground with a powerful kick to the midsection.

_What the hell?!_

Kaidan rolled to his feet with the wind knocked out of him, gasping for breath. He expected her to come at him again, but instead she bolted away with Shepard in hot pursuit. He cursed and joined the chase, but the their speed was frightening, and though Kaidan pushed himself hard to catch up, the gap between them widened.

Liara ran behind him, fumbling with her breather mask, and Kaidan pulled his helmet on as he chased them to an airlock. There was no time to see if Liara was still behind him; it took everything he had to keep Eva and Shepard in his sight. His helmet snapped into place and Kaidan redoubled his efforts to catch up, unable to believe that they could really be so much faster than him.

His legs burned with exertion, and his heart pounded in his ears, deafeningly loud, as he pushed himself to his physical limit. He'd always taken great pride in his excellent physical shape, but as he ran, Kaidan found himself wishing that he'd concentrated more on cardio, instead of muscle building.

He lost sight of them as Eva opened the airlock and Shepard followed her outside outside, but caught sight of them a moment later as they scampered up a ladder and vanished onto the roof. _Come on, come on, come on!_ Kaidan willed his body to go just a little faster, and he used his biotics to help him scurry up the ladder, gaining himself some ground.

When he hit the roof, they were only twenty metres ahead of him, but Eva was still ahead of Shepard.

"No!" Shepard yelled, her voice screeching angrily over the comm as a Cerberus shuttle swooped in low. "She's going to get away! Normandy! James! Someone stop her!"

Her tone, one of desperation, tore into Kaidan, and he hurdled an air duct in his hurry to catch up; but it was too late. By the time he reached Shepard's side, Eva was gone and the Cerberus shuttle flew high above them, rapidly gaining height. Liara caught up with them, breathing heavily, as Lieutenant Vega's voice crackled over the comm.

" _Don't worry, Commander. I got this!"_

Kaidan's stomach dropped as a blue Alliance shuttle cut through the air in a pale streak, the windows glimmering in the red light. _Surely Lieutenant Vega didn't mean to ram it …_ Kaidan's thought was cut off as the shuttle barrelled into the Cerberus ship with a collision that made him wince in sympathy. Both shuttles careened towards to the surface, billowing smoke and irreparably damaged.

The Alliance shuttle wobbled and then righted itself as Vega got it under control, but the Cerberus ship hurtled towards them. Liara screamed and threw herself out of the way, and Kaidan and Shepard followed her example; hitting the ground hard as the shuttle crashed into the building. A roll of heat passed over Kaidan as it exploded, and the force of the blast flung him sideways.

The world spun crazily and Kaidan swallowed, fighting to control the rush of adrenaline flooding his system. He blinked slowly and looked around for Shepard, sighing with relief as he caught sight of her in the billowing smoke. She raised herself up and gazed around, staring at the shuttle for half a second before turning in his direction and settling her gaze on him. An expression of relief, visible even through her faceplate, crossed her features as their eyes met, and a swell of happiness pulsed through Kaidan.

_She cared._

"Yo, Commander? You okay?" James' voice, interrupting, jarring, ruined the moment, and Shepard tore her gaze away as she climbed to her feet.

"Dammit, Vega!" Shepard muttered angrily, and offered Kaidan a hand which he gratefully took, squeezing it tightly as she pulled him to his feet.

She squeezed back and his heart soared.

"Shepard, I …"

"Hang on a second, I need to have _words_ with Vega." Shepard pulled her hand from his, and stalked towards the Lieutenant.

Kaidan turned away and moved to help Liara. The asari was still sprawled inelegantly on the ground, watching the shuttle burn with wide blue eyes. She took his hand readily enough and stood, but her attention stayed on the wreckage as the flames danced feebly in the thin atmosphere.

"There's something moving …" Liara's voice trailed off as the shuttle's hatch buckled and broke free. Flames billowed from within, spiralling up into the sky as a feminine figure appeared amongst the smoke and fire.

Kaidan's eyes widened.

_Eva? But how?_

Her skin glimmered like quicksilver as she stood amongst the fire, and Kaidan winced as the flames licked along her body, scorching her. She turned to face them, her metallic face blank and alien. Liara drew back, fumbling with her gun as Eva disentangled herself from the wreckage and gracefully leapt onto the roof.

The android focused on Shepard and a swell of fear passed through Kaidan, sharp and sweet, as she turned in her direction. He fired his assault rifle before he knew what he was doing, but the bullets seemed to ricocheted off her body. _Shit_ _._ Kaidan stood his ground; whatever this _thing_ was, it wasn't human, and he'd be damned if he'd let it hurt Shepard.

Kaidan continued to fire, his muscles tense as Eva stalked towards him; impervious to his shots. His body rang with fear as she closed the gap between them in less than a moment, knocking his gun aside as though it were a toy. It clattered to the ground and Kaidan tried to step back as her hand shot out towards him. He froze in disbelief as she seized his helmet and lifted him clean off the ground - as though he weighed no more than a feather.

"No!" Kaidan thrashed in her grip, desperate to get free as his body weight hung painfully from his neck.

Eva ignored him and his helmet creaked as she tightened her grip, giving him an experimental shake. Kaidan screamed as his neck stretched, his spine jolted and his muscles twisted. Red hot pain blinded him, and his jaw, neck and back screamed in agony. He struggled, trying not to panic as his helmet made a snapping sound and razor sharp pain radiated up and down his neck as she shook him again.

He grit his teeth, fighting to keep his senses against the pain so he could to get free. He clawed at her wrists and hands, trying to break her grip on his helmet, but she was too strong. Her wrist felt like steel under his hands, immovable and unbreakable. _I can't get free,_ he realised as icy fear slithered through his mind, _she's going to rip my helmet off and kill me and there's nothing I can do!_

The thought filled him with terror, but before he could try to break free again, Eva slammed his head into the shuttle, the force of the blow sending excruciating pain exploding through his body. Kaidan screamed helplessly as his helmet crumpled inwards. It pressed cruelly against the back of his skull; a constant, beating agony that seared though his head. It made every migraine he'd ever had pale in comparison.

Somewhere distant he heard Shepard scream his name, desperate and horrified, and Kaidan opened his eyes. He saw her as though through a long, dark tunnel as black spots and flickers of light ate at his vision. _Run away_ , he tried to tell her as she raised her gun and approached, _save yourself._

But he couldn't remember how to speak, and he only let out a whimper of pain.

Eva slammed his head into the shuttle again and Kaidan choked on a cry as something snapped inside his helmet. The pressure increased and something in the base of his skull popped, then a cold tingling sensation slid down his body. His limbs shivered, icy and numb, and a wave of nausea spilled through him.

_It hurt so much._

She brought her arm back and slammed him into the shuttle for a third time, and his eyes fluttered weakly as blinding pain shot through his head. His helmet crumpled like a cheap soda can; crushing his head and neck, and forcing his amp port into his spine. The metallic implant grated against bone and energy snapped through Kaidan like a rubber band. The agony was instantaneous, electric and what little feeling he had in his body jolted alive his nerve endings lit up cruelly.

The world spun, and dimly, his thoughts moving like treacle, Kaidan realised that she had dropped him. He dragged in a breath that sounded more like a pathetic moan, and opened his eyes. He focusing unsteadily on the sky overhead, watching the storm. He was so tired, and his body ached so much; all he wanted to do was sleep.

_I'm dying,_ Kaidan realised in surprise.

Pain nibbled along his nerves, unrelenting and cruel, and through the haze of blistering agony he heard Shepard calling his name. Her face appeared before him, and Kaidan blinked up at her, trying to bring her into focus, but her damned faceplate blurred her features. He tried to speak, to tell Gina how sorry he was for pushing her away and hurting her; to tell her that he loved her. 

_Too late._

His vision blurred and flickered, the light dimming around him as the buzzing, burning pain in his body began to fade into icy nothingness. Kaidan fought the comforting numbness, his thoughts swirling in a confused jumble as he struggled to stay awake, to see her face for just a little longer. He wanted, no, _needed_ to tell Shepard that he still loved her.

_Shepard, I love you._

He desperately tried to say the words as the world faded to grey around him, but his lips wouldn't move and the blackness sucked him under at last. His last thought as the darkness swallowed him, was of Shepard, and of all the things he hadn't said.

_Shepard, I love you ..._


	13. Chapter 13

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N - Thank you again to the wonderful people who are reading and following this story, and of course to the people who take the time to leave reviews and give me feedback. Especially to TLCinbflo, Jules Hawk, QueenFreckles, AngstyShenko, Luppo of the North, ela11, Ms Sticha, ChaseingTheWind, BananaphoneBob, Bint-Lilith, Kateriel79, SimoneTRH, Kirsah, Jason Thursday, MizDirected, Riifia, Zulija and BloodxTearsxBones. You guys made my week with your feedback! Thank you so much.**

* * *

The deep hum of the Normandy's engines thrummed through the soles of Shepard's boots; a pulse that was as reassuring and familiar as her own heartbeat. The soothing sound helped chase away the guilt churning in her stomach as she sat by Kaidan's side, exhausted but unwilling to leave him. She sighed as she looked down at the pale oval of his face in the darkness, replaying those final moments on Mars over and over again.

It was like a movie in her mind that she couldn't switch off or look away from; Eva grabbing Kaidan, squeezing his helmet until it buckled and popped, and then slamming him into the shuttle over and over. Shepard clenched her teeth, scrunched her eyes closed, and dug her nails into her palms as she tried to stop the scene from playing out.

_I don't want to see it. Not again._

She choked on her breath as her nails cut into her palm; deep, deeper, deeper still _._ But the pain didn't stop her reliving what happened next; Kaidan's body going limp as his helmet was crushed into his skull, and the way he dropped the ground - so boneless and still. Or his scream. _Oh god_. That bloodcurdling scream of pain he'd made before he passed out.

Overwhelmed, Shepard drew in a deep steadying breath ... and gagged on the sickening smell in the medbay. It stank of blood, sweat and the sour tang of medigel. The horrible odour wormed its way up her nostrils, invaded her lungs and coated her throat. Her stomach churned, bile rose, and sweat broke out along her skin as she fought not to be sick.

It smelled of sickness. Of weakness. Of death.

She opened her eyes and settled her stomach with iron resolve, fighting hard not to taste the smell as she drew in short shallow breaths through her mouth. She could take this. She'd seen far worse on Akuze when she'd sat with friends and comrades after the Thresher Maw attack. Holding hands as they died, ignoring the way the maw acid stripped flesh from bones, fused liquefied armour to skin, and melted limbs from their body.

She'd never forget the smell - a smell of burning flesh, singed hair and blood.

_So much blood._

After the attack, she'd stayed with her friends as they died. Looking into terrified eyes as they fought to take one more breath, whispered words of comfort as tough-as-nails marines cried out for their mother, and made promise after promise to pass on messages of love. She hadn't shed any tears, though they'd burned behind her eyes and her body had trembled with the need to curl up and sob.

She wanted to cry now; to give in and let the fear well up and take her.

But she couldn't; she had a war to fight, and Kaidan's injury was only the start.

Shepard drew in another deep breath and the smell of blood settled over her tongue in a suffocating blanket; sweet, sharp and metallic. The last time she'd been in a room smelling of medigel and blood had been ... _Cerberus_. Shepard's heart contracted painfully, and suddenly she was back in the Cerberus lab, waking up with her mouth and nose full of the taste and smell of blood and antiseptic.

Meat on a slab, brought to life like Frankenstein's monster.

Only she was _no_ monster.

_I'm not a monster. I swear it. Just wake up Kaidan._

The desperate thought, little more than a silent whisper, fluttered through her mind like paper caught in breeze. Less than a prayer, more than hope. Gina sighed; maybe if she'd done things differently on Mars she could have stopped Eva. If only she hadn't turned her back on the shuttle. If only she had checked the wreck to make sure she was dead. _If only …_

Kaidan moved slightly and Shepard's breath caught in her throat. _Was he waking up? Or was he…_ She leaned forward, terrified green eyes glued to his closed lids. His body twitched once, his eyelids fluttered, and then he went still again.

Too still.

Shepard reached for his wrist with a shaky hand. "Kaidan?"

His skin felt cool and dry under her fingers, and she held her breath as she felt for a pulse. For a long moment there was nothing, and then she felt it; faint and thready, but there. _Thank god._ Relief poured through her, and she slumped back in her seat as her heart remembered how to beat again.

_It wasn't fair_ , she thought to herself as she caught his fingers with hers and squeezed his hand gently. Her heart ached as his hand sat passively in hers, no sign of strength or warmth. There was no biotic tingle, no power; as though the very energy that made him _Kaidan_ had been stripped away. It took all of Shepard's strength not to crush his hand in hers and scream at him to wake up.

He didn't deserve to be here like this; not after saving her life so many times today. He'd said some stupid things and she'd been upset, but when it came down to the line today, Kaidan had stayed by her side and fought with her. If he died now …

Shepard swallowed, fighting the panic that welled up at the thought of Kaidan dying. _He couldn't die! Not Kaidan!_ Her eyes traced a path over his face, watching every flicker of his eyes behind his eyelids, and every twitch of his facial muscles. She hated seeing him like this, but she couldn't bring herself to look away in case his condition changed.

He was walking a tightrope between life and death. She knew it, Liara knew it, and hell, even Vega knew it. With no doctor on the Normandy, Kaidan's chances of surviving his injuries were slim unless they got him to the Citadel. It was a race against time, and the cost of losing the race was Kaidan's life.

Gina's hand tightened on Kaidan's, squeezing to be sure that this wasn't some horrible nightmare; that this had happened. Somewhere in her chest a scream was building, growing stronger and louder with every second that passed. A cry of anguish and regret, of anger and hate. To lose him now, after only just finding him again, would be the ultimate slap in the face by fate.

The way he'd looked at her on Mars, after Vega crashed his shuttle, had gone straight to her heart. Kaidan had looked at her the way he used to – openly and honestly. He'd worn his heart on his sleeve and those walls in his eyes had been down. In that moment she'd let herself believe that there was a chance for them, that they'd find some way to make it after all.

She should have known better.

Shepard leaned forward and smoothed a gentle hand through his hair. "I'm so sorry, Kaidan. I'm sorry that I let you walk away from me on Horizon, and that I didn't try harder to explain myself." She glanced at their hands, her vision blurring with tears. "I should have gone after you. I should have explained about Cerberus instead of letting you believe those rumours …"

"Shepard?"

Gina jumped at the sound of Liara's voice, and hastily wiped the moisture from her cheeks. "Yes?"

"We've docked. Joker has alerted the Citadel EMS and they're on their way." Liara paused, and Shepard heard her take a few steps into the room. "He's going to make it, Shepard. He's a fighter."

_So was I, but that didn't stop me dying._

She swallowed back the lump in her throat. "Thank you, Liara."

"If you need anything, I'm right outside, okay?"

Shepard nodded. "I ... I just need a few moments alone."

Liara stood silently for a moment and then sighed; a heavy sound that echoed Gina's own unhappiness. "Of course, I didn't mean to intrude."

She left, and the medbay doors closed with a soft swish. Alone again, Shepard leaned forward and smoothed Kaidan's hair back from his face. His head and neck were already swollen and showed signs of painful bruising. Before she could think better of it, Gina leaned down and pressed her lips against the back of his hand.

"Now you listen up, Alenko." She whispered, her voice soft but firm. "You get better, do you hear me? I know you can be an idiot sometimes, and you always say the wrong thing at the wrong time, but you mean the world to me. So hang on, okay? Just hang on."

She held his hand for a moment longer, hoping for some sign that he'd heard her. But he stayed still and silent, and she sank back in her seat as hot tears burned eyes. Her heart ached with everything she hadn't said to him; a deep lonely pain that shimmered with three little words she might never get a chance to say to him.

If Kaidan didn't make it, if he woke up broken or _damaged_ ...

"No." Shepard shook her head, denying that possibility, and squeezed Kaidan's hand one more time. "You're going to be fine. You have to be. I don't care if you hate me or think I'm a husk, I just want you to fight this for me."

_I love you._

* * *

**A/N - I hope you enjoyed this chapter! ^_^ Feedback is always welcome!**


	14. Chapter 14

Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect

**A/N - Apologies about the delay with this chapter. I've been a sick creature this week. I hope you all forgive me! Oh, I stray a tiny, almost negligible distance from canon with this chapter!**

**As always, thank you very, very much to the wonderful people who have followed, favourited, and left me reviews. Your words have really inspired me to make this story into something amazing! Enjoy!**

* * *

Kaidan couldn't remember waking up in Huerta.

Oh, he remembered bit and pieces; snatches of conversation and flashes of pain, but nothing of consequence. Surfacing from an induced coma was a slow process, and, if Kaidan was perfectly honest, he didn't remember much of it at all. It wasn't like in the movies where the injured person dreamily awoke and everything was peachy. No. Regaining consciousness was a slow and painful process. Some days Kaidan couldn't remember who he was, other times he struggled to speak or move properly, and there had been times when he'd been crippled with pain.

The memories of his first waking days were blurry and shadowy, but he _could_ remember the pain and confusion in brutal detail. Most days the agony started as a throbbing in his head, and if he moved too fast or became _over excited_ (as the doctors like to call it), the pain would get worse. It felt like his skull was splitting apart, as though the pressure in his head would crush his brain.

On the _really_ bad days, he would have done anything to split his head open and get the pressure out.

Kaidan sighed and rubbed at his head, scratching irritably at the bandages and dressings. Despite the pain, he was lucky to be alive. Eva had shattered his biotic amp and ground it into his spine – something which should have killed him. The shards had come close to piercing his spinal cord, but had missed by the narrowest of margins. She'd also broken several vertebrae in his neck, snapped his collar bone, and managed to fracture his jaw, cheekbone and skull.

They'd kept him in an induced coma for a little under a week, and treated his breaks and fractures with localised medi-gel injections. Once the swelling on his brain receded they'd surgically removed his shattered L2 implant, and replaced it with an upgrade. He still couldn't believe it was gone. While the implant had been a source of pain and agony over the years, it was also a source of pride - now it was gone.

Instinctively, Kaidan reached around and gingerly touched the dressing that covered his newly replaced amp port. A shiver went down his spine; he'd been implanted with the only spare implant the doctors had on the Citadel - an _experimental_ L3-X1 implant from Grissom Academy. Yes, he'd weighed up his options and had _chosen_ to accept the implant, but it still felt strange to know he had something so new and untested inside of him.

He hoped it didn't turn out to be another L2 implant; riddled with drawbacks and side effects.

The implant had been intended for a biotic student who'd been recruited into the _Ascension Project_. But the kid never arrived on the Citadel. The Alliance were assuming he'd been killed or lost during the reaper invasion of earth, so they offered the implant to him. Kaidan hadn't been thrilled with having anything _experimental_ being put in his head, but life without an implant, _without biotics_ , wasn't something he could contemplate.

_Although knowing my luck_ , Kaidan thought irritably as he scratched at the bandages again, _the amp will fry my brain and leave me a drooling vegetable_.

Determinedly, he chased the negative thoughts away and tried to focus on something more positive. Like Shepard. The thought of her made his skin prickle with awareness and sent a hot flush across through his body. Gina had been the only thing on his mind when he woke up; was she okay? Had she made it off Mars? Where was she now?

She was the first thing on his mind when he woke up each morning, and the last thing he thought of before he went to sleep.

He'd questioned the nurses about her, and learned that Shepard had visited him when he was still unconscious. The idea of her sitting by his bedside, caring and worrying about him, made his chest swell with longing. Even though he'd stuffed up and hurt her, she still cared about him. If only he'd woken up while she was still here!

Yesterday, they'd finally given him back his omni-tool and declared that he was fit for visitors. The first thing he'd done was _try_ to write a message to Shepard. He'd spent the better part of an hour typing and retyping a message, trying to find the right words and the right tone. Should he mention his injuries? Or would that worry her? Should he asked her to visit him? He didn't want to put pressure on her, but he needed to see Shepard so he could tell her how he felt.

_I love you._

The words should have been so easy to say! People said them to each other every day! They were three _tiny_ words; three _simple_ syllables. But with them came so much fear and uncertainty, because what if she didn't love him back? What if he _had_ ruined things on Horizon? Or on Mars?

_Mars_. Kaidan frowned at the thought of the ugly red planet. _God how he hated that place._ His last memory on Mars was of Gina staring down at him as he lost consciousness. The image was seared into his mind; her lips moving as she tried to speak to him, her skin pale and bloodless, and with a look of desperation in her green eyes that broke his heart. She'd been scared – _for him_.

Kaidan's heart beat a little harder at the thought, and butterflies danced in his stomach. Maybe it was foolish, but he desperately wanted to find out where they stood as a couple. Was there a chance for them? Would they make it even though he'd been such a blind fool for so long? He hoped so. He _needed_ to believe there was a chance for them.

In the end he kept his message light and brief – no mention of the severity of his injuries or his replacement amp, and a friendly invitation for her to stop in and see him when she was next here. Shepard hadn't responded yet, but she would.

The door to his room slid open and Doctor Michel strode into the room, her usual data pad in hand as she consulted his file.

"And 'ow are we feeling today, Major?" Her voice was deep and rich, and her french accent made everything she said sound slightly exotic.

"Like I've gone a few rounds with a reaper." He smiled warmly and tried to straighten as she came closer. "I'm not sure if I feel better than yesterday, or worse. My head is hurting less, but my neck and back are killing me."

"That's 'ardly surprising." She grinned and helped prop him up on pillows. Then she unwound the bandages on his head and examined his surgical scars and his amp port. "Your 'ead injury 'as improved. The medigel 'as done wonders for you."

Her fingers were cool on his skin as she gently manipulated his head and neck so she could see his amp port from every angle. When she was satisfied, she checked the machines monitoring his heart rate and blood pressure, and scanned him with her omni-tool, her brown eyes twinkling at him good naturedly.

"So, am I clear to leave, doc? Can I jump straight back into the fight?" he joked as she motioned for him to lean forward so she could scan his amp port. An unpleasant shiver went down his spine as she spent longer than usual scanning it. "Doc?" he prompted, "Is everything okay?"

"Yes, surprisingly so." She smiled, and a warm swell of reassurance built in Kaidan's chest. "Your new implant 'as taken well, and your swelling 'as gone down. You will 'ave to keep your biotics offline for now, but I'm confident that they will be as strong as ever once you 'ave recovered."

Unexpected tears of relief stung his eyes, and Kaidan hastily blinked them away. "That's the best news I've had all week. Thank you."

"Well, we won't know for sure until the swelling 'as gone completely and it's safe for you to test them, but I 'ave confidence in you, Major." She grinned.

Kaidan couldn't help but return the smile; he liked Doctor Michel. There was something about her bedside manner which made him feel like everything was going to be okay. Some of the doctors at Huerta walked around po-faced and deadly serious, which made Kaidan feel like they expected him to drop dead at any second. But not Chloe – she was a breath of fresh air.

"Any news on the Normandy?"

To his surprise her smile widened and she nodded. "As a matter of fact, there is."

"What have you ..." Kaidan started to sit up in his eagerness, and pain lanced through his body; fiery blinding pain that took his breath away. He lay back and stayed still until it faded, hiding his agony while the doctor finished her scan. If she noticed his discomfort, she didn't say anything.

"The Normandy and your Shepard 'ave been busy." she told him as she re-checked the machines hooked up to him. "They 'ave been to Palaven and 'ave found a new Primarch for the turians. It 'as been all over Citadel News, and there are rumours of a secret war summit."

"What happened to the old Primarch?"

She shrugged. "Oh, the reapers 'ave invaded Palaven, just like they did the Earth. There is a reporter on the Normandy who is sending out regular reports, but it is all very 'ush 'ush. The reporter never says exactly where they are or where they are going next, only where they 'ave been."

"I haven't been watching any of the broadcasts." Kaidan admitted. "Only checking my messages and reading bulletins. I'm not really a fan of watching news vids."

The doctor clicked her tongue at him. "Well, Battlespace on the Alliance News Network is being broadcast from the Normandy, so perhaps it is time for you to make an exception?"

"Yeah." He nodded.

_Shepard had actually allowed a reporter on the Normandy?_ Kaidan grinned at the thought. He had _vivid_ memories of her punching Khalisah al-Jilani on the Citadel.

"Well, you are looking much better." She closed her omni-tool and flashed him another one of her charming smiles. "I think perhaps tomorrow you can begin your physio therapy."

_Finally!_

"Sounds good. Thanks Doc."

"Good bye, Major." Doctor Michel consulted her data pad for her next patient, tossed him a friendly wave, and vanished back out the door.

Kaidan looked bemusedly after her for a moment, then sighed and looked out the window at the Citadel sky. It was great that his body was accepting the new implant and healing so fast, but he couldn't shake the heavy lump in his stomach. Until he heard from Shepard and knew for himself that she was okay, it was all he was going to think about it.

If she'd made it off Palaven than she had to be doing okay, right? At the very least, she was alive and still kicking Reaper ass! But a reply to his message would have been nice, just so he knew that she was okay. Deep down, in some corner of his body, a little voice was screaming that she was out there fighting the reapers without him.

Again.

Kaidan shifted restlessly in his bed. He needed to be back by her side - no matter what it took! He'd been given a second chance with Shepard, and this time around he'd be there for her and keep her safe; just like he had on Mars. He'd make sure that she never had a reason to doubt him, and that she knew he supported her one hundred percent.

He couldn't lose Shepard.

Not again.

* * *

**A/N – I hope no one minds that I'm changing things up a bit. Udina is still going to make Kaidan a Spectre offer, but not just yet! :D I have my reasons! I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter, I know it was short but I've been a sickly creature this week. Let me know what you thought!**


	15. Chapter 15

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N - Thank you** t **o the wonderful people who are following this fic, and who have favourited it! And of course to my wonderful reviewers: TLCinbflo, Jules Hawk,** ** **MizDirected,** QueenFreckles, Kateriel79, Binth-Lilith, jediserenity82, Jason Thursday, KirikaClyne, Kirsah, Alcyonidae, anjoee, Chaseingthewind, Simeone TRH, BananaphoneBob, Ela11, BloodxTearsxBones and the guests.**

Enjoy this chapter - and yeah, I've made some changes! :D

* * *

"… _With the Alliance confirming that the disgraced Commander Gina Shepard has been ..."_

Kaidan paused as he flicked between news channels, and went back to Westerlund News, scowling as the face of Khalisah al-Jilani stared back at him. She was doing a piece on Shepard, he realised, and the reporter's pinched features seemed sharper and more shrewish in the light of the camera. Her beady eyes sparkled maliciously as she ran through Shepard's history; lingering over the charges levelled against Shepard by the Batarian Hegemony, and clearly relishing the chance to drag Gina's name through the mud.

 _Now I know why Shepard punched her!_ He thought angrily as a wave of fury spread through him. Kaidan supressed a growl as the footage changed to a fuzzy security image of Shepard on Omega - a Cerberus logo highlighted on her armour. He fumed; as if the galaxy needed another reminder of _that_!

" _Questions are being asked about the wisdom of allowing Commander Shepard to take on active duty, especially given her past association with the terrorist group Cerberus… "_

"I hope I'm not disturbing you, Major?"

Kaidan jumped guiltily as Udina poked his head into the room, a small smile playing around the councillor's lips as he watched him shut down the Westerlund News report. "Not at all. Come in."

He busied himself with his omni-tool, closing down the various bulletins and reports he'd been going through. For the better part of day and a half, Kaidan had spent every moment he had trying to find information on Shepard and the Normandy. He'd fired off messages to his superiors, to Hackett, and even to Joker himself, hoping to get some kind of response. So far no one had replied; either because they were too busy, or because the messages weren't getting through.

_He hoped._

Diana Allers and her Battlespace news bulletins _were_ better than nothing, but they had a tabloid feel to them and were clearly censored by the Alliance. Despite this, the footage she'd broadcast from Palaven's moon had taken Kaidan's breath away - but for all the wrong reasons. The turians were being slammed by the reapers, and the fighting looked just as bad, if not worse, then what he'd seen dished out on Earth.

In some ways seeing the footage helped him feel closer to Shepard, but it had also left him feeling isolated and helpless. She was out there fighting for the galaxy, while he was stuck in this hospital bed recuperating.

He closed his omni-tool and returned the other man's smile as Udina pulled up a chair and sat.

"To what do I owe the pleasure, Councillor?"

"Donnel, please." Udina rifled through a briefcase he'd brought in with him, his dark eyes flicking up to meet Kaidan's with amusement. "You and I have been through too much for you to go back to calling me _Councillor Udina_."

 _It was true_ , Kaidan reflected. Udina and Anderson had been there for him after Shepard's death in a way that had surprised him, especially given how Udina had treated them during the hunt for Saren. But Donnel Udina _the man_ , was a very different person to _Councillor Udina_ , as Kaidan had discovered for himself.

At Shepard's funeral he'd spoken only briefly to Udina; but he'd been drowning in his own grief, and hadn't paid anyone much attention. Months later, when Anderson met with Kaidan on the Citadel to try and convince him to take the Spec Ops teaching job, Kaidan bumped into Udina again. They'd got to talking, and had become, for lack of a better word; friends.

It was Udina who had messaged him on Horizon to pass on the rumours that Shepard was possibly alive and working for Cerberus. He'd also been the one who had taken Kaidan to task after his disastrous meeting with Shepard on Horizon; pointing out to him that he'd told him about the rumours so he could find out the truth, not sling accusations at her and storm away.

Udina may not have cared for Shepard's recklessness, but Kaidan knew that he appreciated what she'd done for humanity.

"I hear you took a hell of a beating on Mars." The older man looked him over with a look that said that Kaidan probably looked every bit as bad as he felt. "Good thing the Normandy got you here so fast. It wouldn't do for us to lose one of Earth's finest when the war is only beginning."

He was laying the praise on thick, and Kaidan instinctively changed the subject. "How is the Council handling the reaper invasion?" He seized the first topic that came to mind. "I heard Shepard spoke to them?"

"As did I, but only the Turians are listening to reason, and that's only because the Reapers are giving them a thrashing on Palaven. The salarians are determined to hide their collective head in the sand and hope the reapers don't notice them, and the asari are almost as bad." He sighed, and suddenly looked older than his years. "I always knew it would be a tough job to unite the council races if it came to this."

"If there's anything I can do ..."

"Actually," Udina interrupted him. "There is, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't come here today with an agenda."

Kaidan's stomach sunk at the serious tone that crept into the Councillor's voice. "Okay, what do you need?"

"In short, Alenko; I need you." Udina grinned at the shocked expression that Kaidan wasn't quite fast enough to hide, and pulled a data pad from his briefcase. "Or rather, its _humanity_ that needs you."

Kaidan took the data pad and skimmed over it. His stomach clenched as his eyes hesitated over the Spectre symbol up the top, and he scanned through the rest of the document quickly; it was an official invitation to become a Spectre.

_Just like that?_

No hoops? No tests? No Nilhus to test him out and see if he was up to the job? Clearly, now that humanity had a seat on the council, Udina and the Alliance no longer had to jump through hoops to induct a new Spectre.

"Why me?" He passed the data pad back, and his bruised shoulders ached faintly from the effort. "I'm honoured, but I don't understand why. I'm no hero."

"The Alliance begs to differ. As do I." Udina leaned back in the chair and folded his arms across his chest. "You're an experienced officer who played a key role in the fight against Saren, and you helped protect thousands of colonists during Collector attacks ..."

 _No I didn't,_ Kaidan thought unhappily, _Shepard did_.

"... Not to mention that you're a highly skilled biotic, and a man who has shown himself to be committed to humanity and highly trustworthy. You're every thing the Council could ask for in a Spectre."

"What about Gi ... Commander Shepard?" Kaidan cursed himself for the slip, but Udina didn't seem to notice.

_Or didn't care._

He shrugged. "Shepard is a fine soldier and has done a lot for humanity as a Spectre, but we need more good men and women fighting for us. Men like you who will keep the interests of the Council and humanity at the forefront."

Kaidan nodded and mulled the idea over, almost tasting it, as he imagined being a Spectre. His recent promotion to major had come after years of hard work and dedicated service; and he barely felt that he deserved _that_. But a Spectre position? The thought made him shift uncomfortably. It was an honour, to be sure, but the position came with a lot of responsibility, and after what had happened on Horizon he wasn't sure if he was ready for that.

The Alliance may have claimed that he'd saved people and given him a promotion, but Shepard and her team had calibrated the guns and saved that colony; not him.

Something must have shown on his face, and Udina's mouth quirked as he nodded. "Take some time and think it over. Whatever you think of yourself; you're a fine soldier, Alenko, and you've earned this Spectre recommendation."

"Thank you." He smiled and tried not to wince as the other man clapped him on the shoulder; sending a jolt of pain down his neck. "I'll take some time to think it through."

"Excellent." The other man stood up. "I'll send the details to your omni-tool. Take your time, but I need an answer by the end of the week."

Kaidan managed to extend his arm to shake the Councillor's hand. "You'll have it by then."

"Good. Now get some rest ..."

The door slid open, interrupting him, and Kaidan's heart pounded in his chest, thunderously loud, as he caught a glimpse of bright red hair and sea green eyes. For a moment Gina stood framed in the doorway, the harsh light from the hallway casting a burning halo around her body, then she stepped to the side to avoid Udina. Her face, he saw, was hard and mask-like, as she nodded at the Councillor politely, greeting him with the barest possible acknowledgement.

"Udina."

Udina was almost as bad. "Shepard."

She stepped further into the room as Udina left, and the door slid shut on a whisper. Her eyes clashed with his, gold against green, and Kaidan's breath caught in her throat as she smiled. "You're awake."

* * *

**A/N - Here's your chance! Don't screw it up, Kaidan!**


	16. Chapter 16

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – Well, this is where this fic was originally going to end! But of course, I'm continuing the fic on now, so this is just another chapter! A happy chapter though, and one which I hope you will all really enjoy.**

**Thank you to my readers and reviewers, especially; Jules Hawk, Ela11, TLCinbflo, Simone TRH, Dragoness31, Kateriel79, BananaphoneBob, ChaseingtheWind, KirikaClyne, Ms Sticha, MizDirected, QueenFreckles, jediserenity82, Kirsah, Zulija and the guests. I really appreciate the time you guys take to give me feedback!  
**

* * *

Shepard paused outside of the door to Kaidan's room and drew in a deep steadying breath. Her heart pounded in her chest, and adrenaline surged stupidly through her body; as though she were about to take on a reaper instead of face the man she loved. _It was ridiculous_ , she thought crossly, _how little control I have over my own emotions_.

With a sigh, Shepard gathered her courage and opened the door. She stepped through and came to an abrupt halt as she almost walked straight into Udina. _What was he doing here?_ His narrow weasel-like eyes met hers, and Gina shied to the side to let him pass, schooling her face into what she hoped was a polite mask. She and Udina had never seen eye to eye, and she found the man to be both pompous and aggravating.

And over the years, Udina had made it abundantly clear that he found her to be equally annoying. They bickered, they argued, and whenever she needed his help it felt as though he went out of his way to be difficult. Oh, he'd been helpful enough after their meeting with the council to try and garner help for the Earth, but that had been because they were on the same side for once. As soon as Udina had a reason, he'd go back to hating her again.

The sidled around each other like two wary animals.

"Udina," she nodded at him.

His lip curled slightly as he met her gaze. "Shepard."

_Screw you too, Udina._

He slithered out the door and it closed behind him, leaving her alone with Kaidan. Shepard glared at the door for a moment, then switched her attention back to the man she'd come to see. Kaidan was awake and watching her, and Gina stared at him with her tongue glued stubbornly to the roof of her mouth. All day she'd rehearsed what she'd say to him; _I'm sorry I was an idiot on Mars. I'm sorry I let you get hurt. I'm sorry I didn't say 'I love you' when I had the chance._

But now that she was here the words dried up, and all she could think was that Kaidan was okay; she hadn't lost him.

"You're awake," she said, and almost slapped herself.

_Well done, Shepard. Brilliant opening line!_

"Yeah." Kaidan's eyes sparkled and he smiled.

That lopsided smile, even in his bruised and battered face, was so familiar that Gina couldn't help but smile back. The room seemed to lighten; and all of her fears and doubt, all of her worry that he might be angry with her for letting him get hurt, evaporated. A flood of warmth spread through her at his happy look; he looked every bit as pleased to see her as she was to see him.

Her smile widened to a grin, and she walked to his side as her feet moved of their own accord. _God, it was good to see him awake!_ For a while there Kaidan had been touch and go. He'd stabilised fast, but Doctor Michel had been upfront about the damage to his implant, and the very real possibility of permanent damage to his biotics. She'd implied it was a miracle that he was awake and speaking coherently, let alone already starting light physio therapy.

"You just missed snack time, but that's probably a good thing." Kaidan joked as she plopped herself into the seat beside the bed. "The jelly and custard make Alliance rations seem tasty."

Shepard laughed a little at his joke, and Kaidan seemed pleased by her response. She relaxed into the chair and ran her eyes down his body, trying not to let them linger on any one part too long. Even bruised and battered, it was clear that Kaidan was in excellent physical shape, and his chest and arms were toned.

_C'mon Shep! One thing at a time!_

She dragged her eyes back to his face. "I'm glad you asked me to come and see you."

"I'm glad you came," he confessed, and Shepard almost melted as his hand found hers and calloused fingers scraped lightly against her skin. "When you didn't reply to my message, I was worried that," his voice dropped off and he shrugged, "well, it was silly. You're fine."

_Oh shit! I never replied to him!_

She curled her fingers around his, and squeezed gently. "Sorry about that. I meant to reply, but I guess I just got a little caught up with the situation on Palaven."

"It's bad?"

"Bad doesn't begin to cover it." The memory of Palaven burning flittered though her mind; horrible, sickening, and yet hauntingly beautiful. "But I located the new turian Primarch and I got him to safety. Oh, and I picked up an old friend." Kaidan gave her a puzzled glance, and some of her enthusiasm dimmed as she remembered that he hadn't seen Garrus in years. "Garrus Vakarian," she elaborated. "He's decided to join the crew and help us stop the reapers."

Kaidan brightened and she saw realisation dawn on his face. "Garrus? That's great. I lost track of him after the Normandy was destroyed." For a moment he looked as though he was about to say more, possibly about seeing Garrus on Horizon, but instead he ran his thumb lightly over her knuckles and smiled. "I'm glad you've got friends with you to watch your back."

Gina blushed, and heat spread across her cheeks as she looked down at their intertwined hands. "So," She shifted on her seat, suddenly very aware of her hand in his. "What did Udina want?"

"He, uh, offered me a Spectre position."

"A Spectre position?" Shepard looked back up at his face; for whatever reason, Kaidan looked embarrassed and uncomfortable. He moved restlessly in the bed, his gazing skittering away from hers. "You said yes, I presume?"

He shook his head. "No, I need some time to think about it. It's a big responsibility, and not one I want to take on lightly."

_Guilt_. She could see it in his eyes and on his face. _But what did he have to feel guilty for?_

"Well, I think you'd make an excellent Spectre." Shepard flashed him a smile. "You'd be perfect."

She meant it too; Kaidan would make an excellent Spectre. He'd always been a strong biotic, a level headed soldier and a loyal man, but the level of skill he'd displayed on Mars had been staggering. Shepard had no doubt that he was the perfect person for the role of a Spectre, especially with his level of talent, power and drive.

"You really think so?"

She chuckled. "I know so! How many times did you save my ass on Mars?"

"True enough." Kaidan's hand tightened on hers again and he met her eyes with a tentative smile. "Shepard," he paused and drew in a deep breath. "We're okay, right? After everything that happened and everything that was said on Mars and Horizon, we're good, aren't we? You and Me?"

The hesitation in his voice and vulnerability in his eyes made Shepard want to melt in her seat. He looked like a lost little boy as he lay in bed, staring at her as though one word would crush his heart. _Would it?_ She wanted to believe that Kaidan cared about her as more than a friend, but after all this time and everything they'd gone through, was it even still possible?

Was it worth the risk?

_Yes._

"Yeah," she said softly. "We're good."

Kaidan let out his breath, relieved. "Thank you."

Gina cleared her throat awkwardly as she added, "But we should probably talk about it." She smiled to take the sting from her words, and pulled her hand from his. "You know, Horizon and Mars. Some of the stuff you said … "

"I know." He looked abashed. "I was wrong not to trust you, but you have to understand that _you_ _died_. When you came back I didn't know who or what you were."

"You could have given me a chance, or heard me out. What you did on Horizon wasn't fair to me, and some of the things you said on Mars," Shepard grimaced as she remembered his doubt and suspicion. "You hurt me."

The wound was still there; raw and bloody; a pain in her chest that undermined everything she felt for Kaidan. She wanted to trust him, to forget the things he'd said and let herself drown in his whiskey-coloured eyes and devilish smile. But what if he hurt her again?

"I'm sorry." The words were soft, but the regret in them tugged at Shepard's heart. "I never wanted to hurt you, Gina. I was just so worried about being hurt myself." He rubbed a hand down his face. "Losing you once was bad enough, I don't know if I could have come back from it a second time."

"Oh Kaidan."

Shepard took Kaidan's hand without thinking and lifted it to her mouth so she could plant a soft kiss on the back of his hand. All this time she'd been so wrapped up in his rejection that she hadn't seen what had been driving it; self-preservation. Kaidan hadn't spurned her on Horizon purely because of Cerberus, it had been because he'd been frightened of being hurt.

His eyes dropped to her mouth, and a faint blush spread over his cheeks. "On Mars I was still so messed up that I kept pushing you away. And then I kept saying the wrong thing over and over." He sighed. "But you have to know that I still care about you Shepard. Deeply."

"Me too." Shepard said earnestly, smiling softly as Kaidan quirked an eyebrow. "I never stopped caring about you; even when I was mad at you. Seeing you go down on Horizon and thinking you were dead," She swallowed hard as the memory almost choked her. "I didn't want to let another day go by without telling you. I know we're in a war and maybe nothing will ever happen between us, but I want you to know that I still feel the same way I always did."

Kaidan smiled back at her, a gentle smile that sent warmth tingling through Gina's bloodstream. He pulled her hand to his mouth and planted a kiss there, mirroring her earlier action. "Thank you," he told her huskily. "It means a lot to know that I haven't totally ruined things between us."

He let go of her hand and Shepard flushed as she retracted it.

"Oh, I almost forgot!" She reached into her pocket and took out a small rectangular box which she handed to Kaidan. "I got a get well present for you."

She watched from the corner or her eyes, only just managing to keep a straight face as Kaidan opened the box and snorted in amusement. He reached inside and pulled out a tiny metallic pin, which glinted under the hospital lights. He turned it in his hands and grinned when he saw the Alliance logo superimposed over a picture of Mars. Around the image were the words, _I SURVIVED MARS AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS STUPID PIN_.

"Gee, thanks Shepard." He chuckled and put it back in the box, which he placed carefully on his bedside table. "That's real thoughtful."

The sarcasm in his voice made her grin wider. "I had it made especially for you. It's just a pity the Citadel gift shop couldn't fit, ' _I survived Mars and all I got was this stupid head injury_ ' on the pin." She winked, then traced her eyes over his bruised face as she added, "I wasn't sure if I should ask, but how are your biotics? Your doctor said they got … rattled?"

He nodded, his brown eyes turning serious. " _Rattled_ is putting it mildly. My L2 implant got completely destroyed, and they had to upgrade me to an experimental implant from Grissom Academy."

"That's a good thing, right? I mean, your L2 implant gave you pretty bad migraines. And the newer implants pack more of a punch." Shepard looked closely at Kaidan; his eyes were shadowed and he was chewing his lip nervously. "So why don't you look happier?"

"The L2 implant was experimental when they stuck it in my head," he reminded her. "Though, on the plus side, the biotic specialist seems to think my biotics will be back to normal, if not better, once I'm all healed up. I just have to keep them offline for a while longer."

_Ah, so he was worried he'd swapped a bad implant for something worse._

Her omni-tool pinged; a message from the Normandy, and Shepard sighed and stood up. "Unfortunately, I have to go."

Kaidan wasn't quick enough to hide the flash of disappointment in his eyes, but he smiled as he held out a hand for her to shake. "Thanks for visiting, Shepard. And for talking."

"Thanks for inviting me to visit." She took his hand and, before she could think better of it, leaned down and gave him a gentle peck on the cheek, the corner of her lips touching his. The smell of his skin and the feel of his stubble on her lips, brought back a cascade of memories, and Gina smiled at the radiant expression on his face when she drew back. "We'll have to go toe to toe in a few biotic rounds once you're back to normal, just like we used to."

"I'd like that." Kaidan nodded warmly as she gave him one final glance. "And Shepard; be careful out there."

"Always."

* * *

**A/N – I have so much fun planned for these two. It will be a while before they can get back to where they used to be, but in the meantime … well, I won't spoil it! I'd love to know what you thought of this chapter!**  
  
Oh, a quick shout that everyone should go and read the fic _**Bid the Snow to Lift Our Burdens** _ **by Alcyonidae, and** _**The Long Road** _ **by Kirsah. I've also had some lovely cover art for this fic done by CocaineJia at Deviant Art. I'll put up a link to it down the bottom of my profile, in case anyone is interested in seeing it.**


	17. Chapter 17

Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect

**A/N – Thank you for the lovely feedback on the last chapter! I'm so glad you enjoyed it – it really was about time Kaidan and Shepard straightened things out. Although they do have a way to go! Please enjoy this chapter, and apologies on the delay getting it out. I've been unwell, but I'm on the mend now. Oh, and if anyone is interested, I finally rejoined Tumblr. You can find me as lenathecat! Roar!  
**

* * *

She hadn't come.

Kaidan tried to stifle the disappointment that lapped at the edges of his good mood; the first trickle of a much bigger ocean of his doubts and insecurities about Shepard. _No. Not about her_ , he corrected himself, _doubts about her feelings_.

The fear that he'd hurt her deeply swelled within him, a wave in that internal ocean, and he desperately forced it down.

There were probably a million reasons why she hadn't been able to make it today; politics, priority missions or reapers. He'd gone over them all a million times. Shepard _was_ busy - he knew this. Udina kept him apprised of her mission to unite the Council races, and knowing Shepard she'd be working around the clock to achieve her goals.

Kaidan frowned and drained the last of his beer, then set his empty glass down on a coaster; so why did he feel so disappointed?

_Because I expected her to come_ , he admitted to himself.

He'd invited her a week ago, and though she hadn't replied, part of him had still expected her to show up. The entire ceremony he'd scanned the audience for her, looking for Shepard's flame red hair. And though he'd silently reminded himself over and over that she was off saving the galaxy, it didn't make her absence from his induction ceremony any easier.

She hadn't come, and he'd been left to wonder if it was his own fault. Maybe Shepard had felt sorry for him after that damned robot crushed his skill. Maybe when she visited, she hadn't wanted to upset him, so she'd lied about them being okay. Maybe she was done with him after all. Maybe ...

_No_.

The memory of her goodbye kiss fluttered through his mind; the warmth of her lips on his cheek, and the edge of her mouth brushing against his. Kaidan shivered pleasantly at the memory, and butterflies danced in his stomach. He knew Gina, and that hadn't been a simple goodbye kiss. There had been an intensity in her eyes which he knew and remembered; a burning fire which he saw in his own eyes every time he looked in a mirror.

Gina wanted him; she wanted him every bit as much as he wanted her.

_But does she still love me?_

"Started without me, I see?" Udina interrupted his thoughts with a chuckle. "I hope you haven't ordered?"

"Not at all, just a drink."

Kaidan started to rise politely as the Earth Councillor joined him, but Udina waved him back into his seat. "Good. This place is supposed to be excellent. Best sushi off Earth, I hear."

Kaidan nodded. "So the scuttlebutt says. Did you have to pull many strings to get us a table?"

Udina grinned. "One or two."

The sushi restaurant's ostentatious concierge appeared almost magically, offering menus and taking orders for drinks. Special treatment for the VIPs, Kaidan assumed. He relaxed back into his seat, letting his eyes rove over the privileged of the galaxy as they chattered happily at the surrounding tables. A few of them cast covert looks in his direction, and Kaidan averted his gaze awkwardly as one young brunette caught his eye and winked suggestively.

His ceremony had been broadcast on all major news networks, and he'd received an embarrassing amount of attention after the ceremony. Messages from other biotics, congratulating him on overcoming the stigma associated with their condition, as well as numerous invitations for interviews with news networks, and invitations to parties.

He'd ignored them all; the only person he wanted to hear from was Shepard, and she hadn't sent to much as a congratulatory message. Besides, he didn't like to think of himself as a celebrity, and he didn't want special treatment. Like Shepard, he'd taken this position because he wanted to help people, not to sparkle in the limelight.

"You know," Kaidan glanced up as Udina spoke. "I have to admit that for a while there I thought you were going to turn down the Spectre position." He leaned back in his chair and raised an eyebrow. "What changed your mind?"

"Shepard."

The Councillor nodded, and Kaidan couldn't help but notice as the corner of this mouth curled slightly, as though tasting something sour.

"The Commander and I have never seen eye to eye, but I'm glad she talked you around." He leaned closer as he spoke. "To be honest, I'm starting to understand why she worked with Cerberus."

Kaidan blinked in surprise. "What?"

_What the hell was Udina talking about?_

"Well, what with the other council races closing their doors on us, and denying any help to Earth, I'm starting to see why organisations like Cerberus exist, and why someone like Shepard may have worked with them." Udina noticed his look of shock and hastily explained, "I'm not condoning what Cerberus did on Mars – their methods are barbaric, and those husk-troops are troubling to say the least. But," he picked up his glass and swirled the wine around. "Groups like Cerberus are still fighting for the Earth, which is more than the other council races are. It puts things in perspective, and I understand why Shepard felt they were her only option."

"Except Cerberus killed hundreds of innocent people in cold blood in the Mars facility – humans like you and me," Kaidan argued. "They even tried to kill me."

Udina frowned slightly. "As I said, I'm not condoning what they did, I'd just saying that I understand. The reapers are the biggest threat we've faced in the galaxy, and after what they did on Earth and Arcturus …" he trailed off and guilt squirmed unpleasantly through Kaidan.

An awkward silence descended, broken only by the waiter delivering their food; chicken katsu curry for Kaidan, and a plate of sashimi for Udina. Kaidan shuffled his cutlery and chopsticks around, and took his time spreading his napkin over his lap. Across from him, Udina was frowning again, his face drawn and his mouth tight.

"Did you know many people on Arcturus?" Kaidan asked quietly. "I was stationed there myself a few years back."

He sighed and nodded. "Yes, I lost a great many friends. Forty five thousand people, all killed. The entire Alliance Parliament were wiped out, you know?"

"Yes, I heard. It was a tragedy."

He'd seen the news vids while he recovered in Huerta, _everyone had_ , and he'd spoken to some of the soldiers from the fifth fleet who'd been injured. The stories they'd told of the reapers converging on the station, of watching them swarm through space in an unstoppable wave, sent familiar shivers down Kaidan's spine. After all, he'd been on Earth and had watched as the reapers destroyed Vancouver – _his_ home city.

Hearing about the reapers doing the same to his second home, Arcturus, left him feeling cold and empty. The reapers were destroying everything he held dear. Even his family …

_No!_

Kaidan shut down all thoughts of his family. There hadn't been any news, and until he heard otherwise, he'd continue to believe they were alive and safe. They'd left the city after all – chances were they were hunkered down at the family orchard.

_I hope._

"I'd known some of those men and women for over twenty years," Udina continued. "I was the godfather to Amul Shashtri's children." He drew in a deep breath and lines of strain seemed to etch themselves even more deeply into his face. "I have to wonder how many more friends I'm going to lose before this war is over. If the other Councillors could put aside their concerns for one moment, and we came together and united our military strengths, we might have a chance. But I just can't see that happening."

"You don't think Shepard can unite them?" He asked in surprise.

Udina shrugged as he used his chopsticks to delicately pick up some sashimi. "Shepard isn't a diplomat. She'll fare fine with the Krogan and the Turians, because she speaks their language of war. But the Salarians and the Asari? I don't think there's much Shepard can do to get them onside. They'll be looking out for themselves, mark my words." Bitterly, Udina speared another piece of meat and ate it.

"Have you heard much from Shepard?" Kaidan asked casually, savouring the taste of his curry.

It had been a long time since he'd eaten anything other than quick take out or shipboard rations.

"Hackett keeps me updated." Udina's mouth tightened. "Shepard prefers to communicate through him, rather than directly with the council."

_I wonder why!_

The words were almost out of Kaidan's mouth before he could stop them, but thankfully he bit them back. "Well, she is on board and Alliance ship, and has been reinstated as an officer. I suppose she feel's she's working more as an Alliance officer than as a Spectre."

Udina snorted in amusement. "Don't kid yourself, Kaidan. Shepard has little time for me, or for the council in general. She reports to Hackett because she doesn't like me, and frankly that suits me fine. I know you two used to be close, but hopefully even you can see that Shepard is more an Alliance officer than she is a Spectre. Her loyalty is to the military, and no oath sworn to the council will change that. It's one of the many reasons why you were chosen as the next Spectre."

"What?" He straightened in surprise, his food forgotten. "What do you mean? _I'm_ career military too ..."

"Of course, of course." Udina interrupted him. "But Shepard lets her feelings about me, and the council, dictate how she does her job. You aren't prejudiced against us like she is. To be honest, I wasn't sure that reinstating her as a Spectre was a good idea, but the others felt we owed her that after the whole Saren affair." He waved his hand about as though ' _the Saren affair'_ had been of little consequence. "Shepard is a good Spectre, I'm not denying that, but she's proven time and again that politics is _not_ her thing. And in these times, we need men like you who are capable of looking beyond their initial emotional response. Men who can do what's right for humanity without letting their emotions cloud their judgement."

Udina's words didn't sit well, and Kaidan fought the urge to squirm. He set his fork down and frowned as he looked at his curry, his appetite gone. In some ways Udina was right – he _was_ capable of ignoring his emotions and doing what he thought best. He'd done it on Horizon when he walked away from Gina even though he desperately wanted to stay with her. But what Udina was implying about Shepard didn't feel right.

_Though_ , Kaidan admitted silently, _Gina really wasn't very good at politics_.

Shepard had a _shoot first and ask questions_ _later_ policy which he'd never really agreed with. So Udina _did_ have a point. They were Spectres suited to different kinds of jobs; she was a one woman army who head butted her way through enemies, and he was better at working with people to achieve his goals. Kaidan supposed that was what Udina was getting at. The idea that the Earth Councillor saw him as a mediator and a man capable of doing what was right, made him glow.

"Thank you, that's a great compliment." Kaidan grinned at Udina and began to eat again, feeling better than he had all day.

The positive feeling stuck with him throughout dinner, and he relaxed as they chatted about what they'd been up to over the last few years, comparing stories and catching up. When his omni-tool went off towards the end of the meal, his warm feeling grew. Somehow, and Kaidan wasn't sure how, he knew it would be Shepard.

And it was.

* * *

**A/N – This chapter was fun to write! I know there wasn't much Shenko in it, but it's _important_! Reviews are loved!  
**


	18. Chapter 18

_Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect_

**A/N – A big thank you to my readers and reviewers, especially to TLCinbflo, Jules Hawk, MizDirected, Angsty Shenko, ela11, ChaseingTheWind, KirikaClyne, BananaphoneBob, Kateriel79, Kirsah, Simone TRH and Jason Thursday for your reviews. Your feedback gave me so many warm fuzzies! Thank you so much!**

**Be warned – this chapter contains lots of Shenko fluff.**

* * *

Skycars zipped past the plate glass windows in a blur of speed, their headlights gleaming in the dark. The lights glimmered up from below too, reflected in the artificial lakes of the Citadel. Not to mention the neon glow of advertising, and the warm glow of lights from inside the thousands of windows. _It's beautiful_ , Shepard thought; _deceptive, calm,_ _but beautiful._ Idly, she wondered how many of the people living here knew how bad things were getting out in the real world.

For many of them, the war was still a distant nightmare.

Regardless, the view was spectacular from this part of the Citadel. Even this late at night things were lit up, and Shepard could make out the gentle blue of the lakes, the green from the gardens, and the colourful array of people and aliens milling in the proscenium below. It wasn't the same citadel that she'd seen with Ashley and Kaidan all those years ago - Saren and Sovereign had seen to that - but it was beautiful all the same.

A hand clasped hers, the skin surprisingly soft, and Shepard tore her eyes from the view. She took a deep breath and looked back at Thane. This wasn't how she wanted to do this; to say goodbye. But at least she was getting a _chance_ to see him again, and to say a proper goodbye. Leaving her friends behind had been the hardest part about handing herself into the Alliance.

Guilt twisted through her, ugly and dark.

With all the horror she'd faced since leaving Earth, she hadn't spared more than a passing thought for her friends. But now, after finding Garrus, Mordin, Wrex and Liara, she couldn't help but wonder about her _other_ friends. _Were they safe? Alive? Hungry? Cold? Frightened?_ The guilt was made all the worse because Thane, a man she had once thought cold and distant, had been worried about _her_.

Worried enough to track down her extranet address and contact her.

"I am sorry that I cannot come with you, Commander." Thane added, regret written across his face. "But in my current condition I would be of no use to you."

Shepard nodded, and tucked a lock of her red hair behind her ear. "I won't say I'm not sorry, but I understand."

His hand tightened on hers, and she squeezed back. Her green eyes met his peaceful dark orbs, and she knew he was ready for his death. No fear and no regrets. Shepard almost envied him that peace, especially when her heart ached at the thought of losing him. Thane had been such a help to her while she was with Cerberus; talking to her, meditating with her, even helping her come to terms with her own death and rebirth.

Spiritually, he was her brother, and he'd had saved her life time and again in her fight against the collectors. His bravery was second only to his compassion; he may have been an assassin by trade, but Shepard knew that Thane regretted the unnecessary taking of life. His beliefs were elegant and beautiful, and Gina found herself envying him the certainty that they gave him.

But she couldn't share them.

She'd been dead, and if there was some kind of afterlife, then she hadn't been invited.

Thane stood up regretfully. "I'm afraid I must go now, Siha. I have a treatment this afternoon." He hesitated, and then added, "but please stop in and visit me again. The staff and patients here are lovely, but I do miss familiar faces."

Shepard was almost afraid to ask, but she did; "Kolyat?"

"We have made our peace." Thane smiled, and it was as relaxed and happy a smile as she'd ever seen on his face. "He visits me regularly. But he is not … _Normandy_."

She smiled as she stood up, and stepped forward to hug her friend. "There's family, and then there's _family_ , huh?"

"Quite true." Thane held her for a few moments before he pulled away. "Stay safe. I will be here if you need me." Then he turned and left.

Shepard watched him walk away, a deep well of sadness spreading inside of her. Thane still seemed so alive and strong, and it hurt to imagine a world without him in it. _But_ , she told herself, _he is at peace with his fate, and if he can accept it, than so can I_. Thane disappeared into the crowd, and Shepard turned to leave, her thoughts still on her friend as she strode forward and walked straight into a broad male chest.

"Oh hell, I'm so …" She started to apologise for walking into them, but her words dried up when she looked up into a face that was almost as familiar of her own. " _Kaidan_?"

Her heart fluttered in her chest and her knees went weak.

"Hey Shepard." His whiskey coloured eyes were carefully neutral as he took a step back, out of her personal space. "Sorry if I scared you. I didn't think you'd turn around so fast." He raised a hand and scrubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. "I, uh, didn't want to interrupt you while you were talking to your friend."

He looked unsure of himself, and Shepard's eyes softened as she saw his gaze flick quickly in the direction that Thane had gone, and then back to her. She could see the curiosity, the hesitation, and the start of something that looked like jealousy.

The thought of Kaidan being jealous of Thane almost made her smile. "His name is Thane. He was with me on the second Normandy and helped me stop the Collectors."

"I didn't know that." Kaidan crossed his arms across his chest, and the fabric of his black button up dress shirt pulled tight over his muscles. He shuffled awkwardly, and an instant later he uncrossed his arms and frowned to himself. "I've actually spoken to him a few times when I was recovering post-surgery. He seemed like a good guy. He didn't mention anything about the Normandy though. And I thought his name was …"

Gina laughed before Kaidan could finish, and she saw his mouth quirk with irritation. "Thane is using an assumed name," she explained as she leaned in close and lowered her voice to a conspiratorial whisper. Some of the tension on Kaidan's face vanished at her infectious smile. "He's an _assassin_."

"What?!" His eyes widened and he looked back in the direction that Thane had gone. "But he's so _nice_!" He blinked as though another thought occurred to him. "Is he here on a contract? I can't let him just … "

"No." Shepard shook her head, and her smile slipped away with her mirth. "He has Kepral's Syndrome. He's dying."

_Knowing it hurt. Thinking it hurt more. Saying it hurt the most._

Kaidan looked stricken. "I'm sorry, Shepard. You and he are clearly very close."

She nodded, and a pang of sadness twisted through her. "He's a good friend. I'm not sure I could have survived the assault on the Collector base without him."

Kaidan glanced at her, and she resisted her natural response to meet his eyes, despite a powerful urge to do so. It was the _urge_ that stopped her; she felt like a reformed drug addict with her drug of choice in front of her. She _wanted_ to look at Kaidan, _badly_ , but if she started she might not be able to stop. His gorgeous eyes and sculpted features held too many pitfalls for her peace of mind.

"A friend." Kaidan repeated slowly, and this time she glanced at him before she could stop herself.

Their eyes clashed, and a shiver of awareness danced over her skin as she saw, of all things, _relief_ in his eyes. Had he thought that she and Thane had been intimate? The thought was almost enough to make her laugh, but she fought down her smile as Kaidan went pink.

_He knew that he'd given himself away._

"Yeah," she confirmed, choosing to ignore his blush. "Everyone on my Cerberus crew was a friend by the end, and all of them left Cerberus after I handed myself into the Alliance."

Kaidan's cheeks were still pink as he cleared his throat awkwardly. "I know, I read the transcript of your testimony."

"Checking up on me, were you?"

"Anderson kept me in the loop. I was to be called as a character witness for what you did on Horizon." He flushed pink again as she grinned at that.

" _Horizon_?

He shrugged. "I wanted to help."

"Thank you." She caught his hand and squeezed. "Now," she nudged him with her elbow. "Your message earlier mentioned something about a café?"

Kaidan nodded, his love of caffeine undimmed by the late hour. "There's a great little café down by the lake." His eyes glimmered with amusement as he added, "it's run by an elcor and a volus."

Gina arched an eyebrow. "That sounds like the start of a really bad joke."

"Yeah, but the coffee's great." Kaidan laughed, and his hand tightened on hers. "Come on."

He flashed her smile that made her simultaneously melt and burn, and led the way back through the hospital foyer. Shepard tried to keep her eyes above the waist as she followed behind him, but it was hard, and his black dress pants framed his butt to perfection … _Oh come on Shepard! Get control of yourself!_

It was strange to see the hospital so busy this late in the night cycle, but the influx of injured turians from Palaven had stretched the hospital to its limits. And this was only the start. Things were going to get far worse before they got better. Hopefully both the Citadel _and_ Huerta were up to the task of dealing with the multitudes of refugees who would soon come pouring in.

And if the reports coming in from colonies were to be believed, the reapers weren't the only ones attacking outlying colonies; Cerberus was too.

She'd missed Kaidan's Spectre ceremony by a few hours because they'd bumped into a Cerberus patrol which had attacked them. The fool's ships were no match for the Normandy, but they'd been persistent to the point of insanity. By the time they'd driven them off and arrived at the Citadel, the ceremony was over and Kaidan was in the middle of dinner with Udina.

Gina grinned as she raked her eyes over Kaidan again; he'd obviously changed since the ceremony _and_ had come straight from dinner. He was wearing black dress pants and a long sleeved button up shirt. It looked good. Black was his colour, and he looked damned sexy.

_Had he ditched Udina for her?_ She hoped so.

Kaidan let go of her hand once they were out of the busy hospital, and they walked side by side in a comfortable silence. Every now again he glanced at her, but always looked away when she tried to meet his eyes. It became a game of sorts as they walked, and it gave her time to study his profile; he was every bit as gorgeous as ever. His black hair was slightly tussled, as though he'd been nervously running his hands through it, and his usual five o'clock shadow was gracing his chin and jaw.

_Gorgeous._

She loved that stubble; the way it felt against her skin as he kissed her… _his mouth moving over her body as they made love_ … Gina shivered and bit her lip at the memory of their lovemaking, and chased the thoughts away frantically as Kaidan glanced at her again. Heat swept up her face, and she thanked any gods who might be listening that biotics couldn't read minds.

She'd never really thought of herself as an overly sexed person, but something about Kaidan Alenko sent her hormones into overdrive. He made her palms sweat, her heart pound, and made the very core of her ache with need. She _wanted_ him. She wanted him to hold her, want her and love her … but two years was a long time for them to have been apart. Hell, it was almost three years if she counted her months with Cerberus, and her incarceration on Earth.

_Had he found someone else in those months?_

_That doctor he'd mentioned in his letter after Horizon?  
_

He heart twisted painfully. She'd lain awake more nights than she cared to admit, bitter and sick to her stomach with jealousy as she thought about Kaidan being with other women. Two years was a long time. She wouldn't begrudge Kaidan if he had moved on in that time and found someone else, but the thought hurt. Deep down, she still thought of him as _hers_.

She'd never even contemplated moving on; for her there could only be Kaidan.

They arrived at the café and Kaidan ushered her inside. It was cosy, dimly lit by a multitude of small lamps and candles. Booths and small tables were arranged in such a way as to give the occupants privacy, and Kaidan steered her towards a booth in the back. His fingers on her shoulders sent shivers of biotic-power over her skin, and she was certain he'd feel her trembling.

_You're hopeless, Shepard!_

The booth was comfortable, and the cushions scattered over the wooden seats looked like real asari silk – soft to the touch and beautifully embroidered. Shepard settled into them and bit her lip when she caught Kaidan's gaze; he looked wistful, hungry and had the same air of desperate arousal as she had. _Maybe I'm not the only hopeless one_ , she thought in amusement as he held her gaze for a long moment.

The air crackled between them, so electric it felt like her biotics were firing. His eyes bored into hers, and Gina felt sure he would reach across and take her hand … then the moment shattered. A volus, small even for her species, bumbled up to them waving a datapad menu. They grinned sheepishly; Kaidan ordered a latte, and she ordered a hot chocolate.

Shepard tucked her hair behind her ear as the waitress wombled away. "So, _Spectre_ Alenko. How does it feel?"

"It's an honour." He shrugged modestly. "I have a lot to live up to, thanks to you ..."

"Oh, _come on_!" she interrupted playfully. "This is _me_ , Kaidan! How does it _really_ feel?"

For a heartbeat he looked at her in silence, then he broke - a grin bubbled out across his face and excitement lit up in his eyes. "It's great. Amazing. I'm excited to get to work and help in the fight against the reapers."

"Do you have any assignments?" She leaned forward, resting her elbows on the table as she drank in the sight of a happy Kaidan.

She'd missed that gorgeous smile.

"Well, Udina wants me to stick around for a bit and help with Council security. The spectres normally assigned to protect them have all been recalled to their home worlds. So, I'm it."

Kaidan sounded casual, but there was subtle change in the way he held himself that betrayed how proud he was. A straightening of the spine and a broadening of the shoulders.

"I'm happy for you." Shepard broke off as the volus brought them their drinks. "You know," she added as she caught a half-melted marshmallow on her spoon and lifted it free of the drink. "You're always welcome back on the Normandy."

His gaze dropped to her lips as she popped the sweet gooey mess into her mouth, and Kaidan drew in a deep breath. " _Tempting_ , Shepard."

His voice was low and hinted at something more than just re-joining the Normandy, and Shepard's cheeks burned. Their eyes met, and the electricity sizzled again as that natural connection between them lit up. How she had ever thought Kaidan was _shy_? The man had beautiful manners to be sure, and played the role of a clean cut Alliance officer perfectly, but underneath it all was a devil who knew the art of temptation far too well.

_Not to mention the things he could do in bed with his biotics …_

Shepard shook her head to dispel those particular memories, and made herself focus on the man in front of her. "Well, the offer is open. You're welcome back anytime."

"Back?" Kaidan picked up his mug. "I was never officially crew on the SR2."

"It's not the name that makes a ship, Major. It's the people on board, and you're always going to be part of the Normandy."

He blinked at that, obviously surprised.

"That means a lot, Shepard. I'm not sure how long I'll be with the council, but I'll give it some serious thought." His voice was full of an emotion which she couldn't place, and he slid his hand across the table and grasped hers. "I've missed this; talking to you, being with you." He looked sad for a second as he looked at their entwined hands. "I know we're different people now, but it still feels the same."

"I know." Shepard shivered as he ran his thumb lightly over her knuckles. Her body clenched with need and for a moment she was tempted to throw caution to the wind and admit she loved him … but it was too soon. A lot had happened in those two years they'd been apart, and regardless of how they felt about each other, they had changed. "But a lot is different."

Kaidan sighed and let her hand go. "So what do we do about it?"

"The same thing we did the first time around," she teased as she picked up her hot chocolate. "We swap stories and get to know each other."

"Stories?"

"Sure." She grinned. "Have I ever told you about the time I woke up in a Cerberus lab after being dead for two years? The place was under attack, and I woke up naked except for a gown, with mechs shooting at me?"

His mouth dropped open. "You did not!"

"Oh Kaidan," Gina laughed. "That's _nothing_ … "

* * *

**A/N – I hope you enjoyed that - it turned out far more cutesy than I expected! As always I'd love to know what you thought!**


	19. Chapter 19

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – Thank you so much to everyone who gave me feedback on my last chapter. I really appreciated it – especially hearing from some of my new readers. Thank you!**

**Now, I'm afraid this chapter is very fluffy again! It seems that Kaidan just wants his Shepard back, and he's influencing my writing!**

* * *

Kaidan stared into the forest green pools that were Shepard's eyes. She was beautiful, like a vision from a dream. Her lips looked soft and full, and her skin very touchable with its dusting of freckles. He yearned to run his hands through her hair as it glimmered like red silk in the light. She was speaking, recounting an adventure she'd had recruiting an asari Justicar, but all he could focus on was the reflection of lamplight in her eyes.

He forgot everything except Shepard.

The cosy atmosphere of the café reminded him of their late night chats on board of the Normandy and time seemed to blur as, for a brief second, he forgot that Shepard had died and been reborn. In this moment, it was just them; t _ogether_. With the flickering light and shadows on her face, she was like an angel, and he reached out and caught her hand in his, the warmth reassuring him that this was real. Taking her hand felt natural, and Kaidan didn't think anything of it, but he saw Shepard pause and catch her breath as she stared at him with something soft and vulnerable in her eyes. Her biotics pulsed through her hand and up his arm in a warm jolt that hit him in his stomach.

The atmosphere between them seemed to thicken, and he tightened his fingers around hers. "Shepard, I …"

"With sincerest apologies:" An elcor voice interrupted them, dragging Kaidan's attention away from Gina. "I am sorry to interrupt."

He bit off what he'd been going to say as the elcor proprietor approached their table and paused, her large figure towering over them as she intruded on their conversation. Her glassy blue orbs focused first on Kaidan, and then on Shepard as she nodded at them politely. An awkward silence descended as they both waited for the elcor to elaborate.

She didn't.

Shepard cleared her throat and pulled her hand from his, a faint blush spreading over her cheeks. "No, that's fine. What can we do for you?"

"With deepest regret: the cafe is closed and we must lock up." The elcor straightened and her eyes caught the light, dancing with what Kaidan could have _sworn_ was amusement. "Hopefully: please come again."

The elcor slowly made it's way back to the counter, and Shepard met Kaidan's gaze and rolled her eyes. "It's not that late is it?"

"I think it might be, actually." He glanced down, meaning to check on his omni-tool, but Shepard beat him to it.

She activated hers and let out a sound of horror. "W _hat_? It's almost three in the morning." She shot to her feet and glanced down at the empty mugs in front of her, chewing on her lip in agitation. "Dammit. How did I get so distracted? We're shipping out to Tuchanka in a few hours."

"Well, I guess you're going to be tired." Kaidan grinned at her panic. It was so typical of Gina to lose track of the time; apparently even death hadn't changed that. "I'll pay for these and walk you back to the Normandy. Okay?"

"No, it's my treat. It's the least I can do after missing your ceremony." Shepard didn't wait for his reply, and used her omni-tool to forward credits to the cafe. Then she draped her jacket across one arm and shuffled out of the booth. Kaidan joined her a moment later, trying not to notice the tingle that spread over his skin when their arms brushed against each other. Maybe it was his new amp, but he seemed to be more sensitive to Shepard's presence than ever.

He'd always known that Shepard was sensitive to other biotics, and he knew from personal experience that his touch was enough to give her goosebumps, but he'd never experienced it himself. Or at least, he'd never experienced sensations like this before. Sure, he could feel another biotics power if he shook their hand, but since his accident he could feel biotic power in a while new way. It was like a crawling sensation on his skin; a prickle of energy, a rush of sensation, sometimes even the crackle of electricity.

_Like now._

They left the café together, and Kaidan tried to ignore the jolts of energy that jumped between them as their shoulders and arms lightly touched. Outside the cafe, the Presidium was cloaked in darkness, and the shadows were broken only by puddles of lights cast by overhead lamps. The air in the Citadel was crisp, but temperature control stopped it from dipping too low, so he was surprised when Shepard shivered and put on her coat.

"Cold?" he asked, puzzled.

She grinned and zipped up her jacket. "Not really, but your biotics are kind of … _leaking_. You can feel it too, right?"

"What? I'm … _leaking_?" Kaidan half-raised a hand to his amp port. "What do you mean I'm _leaking_?"

Shepard stuffed her hands in her pockets and walked on as Kaidan gaped after her. The idea that his biotics had made her so physically uncomfortable she'd covered her skin was mortifying, and embarrassment flooded through him on a warm wave of heat. He racked his brains, trying to remember if he'd come across the term leaking before.

"Yeah, you know, _leaking_." He heard the smile in her voice as she spoke. "I guess I notice because I'm more sensitive to biotic energy than most people. Samara always said I would have been excellent at tracking and identifying Ardat Yakshi."

He pulled a face as she kept walking, and jogged to catch up with her. "Wait. I know _you_ can feel biotic energy, but what do you mean by _leaking_? And what's an _Aardvark Yoshi_?"

She laughed and glanced at him. "An _Ardat Yakshi,_ " she stressed the correct pronunciation. "Is an asari with a genetic disorder. It means that when they join with another person, they overload their nervous system and kill them."

"What!?" He almost stopped walking again. "Okay, so what's _leaking_? Don't tell me it has something to do with them?"

Shepard raised her eyebrows and slowed down, tossing him a surprised look. "Your trainer at BAaT didn't teach you about leaking power?"

"My trainer was a psychotic turian who psychologically tortured me. Do you really thought he taught me anything about leaking power?" His voice was slightly sharper than he'd intended, and Shepard flinched.

"Shit, I didn't mean …." She broke off and cleared her throat guiltily. "I'm sorry Kaidan. I didn't think."

"It's fine. You know I've dealt with the past." He touched her shoulder reassuringly. "But I never realised biotics could leak power."

"Everyone leaks a little bit. It's the reason you can usually tell a biotic from a regular person when you shake their hand – that _tingle_. My mentor taught me that while most human biotics have to concentrate to activate their energy, the really powerful biotics have the opposite problem. They're always switched on and they leak power if they're not careful." She started walking again, and he felt her gaze on him as she looked sideways. "You're a powerful biotic, Kaidan. I've always been able to feel you when you're close by, but since your amp upgrade," she bit her lip and raised an eyebrow. "Well, you have this buzz about you that makes my skin prickle. Heck, I've only felt two other people this powerful, and I'd willingly call them the most powerful biotics I've ever met."

His words dried up, and Kaidan swallowed as he took in what she'd just said. Shepard thought _he_ was one of the most powerful biotics she'd ever met. It seemed crazy. It _was_ crazy! She was the strong one! Her vanguard powers were brutal, and the amount of energy she generated when she charged was enough to make his bones ache. He was nothing compared to her, and they both knew it!

He shook his head. "I'm not that powerful."

"You were the strongest L2 biotic to come out of BAaT, and they just _upgraded_ your amp to the most powerful prototype available. Have you got any idea how much stronger your biotics are? Have they done any tests?" Shepard paused again and watched him.

"Well, no. But the L2 implant peaked pretty high compared to the regular L3. I really don't think it's made much difference." He scuffed his boot on the path, crossing his arms as he tried to concentrate on his biotics. Was he stronger? He didn't _feel_ any different.

"Believe me, it's made a difference." She shivered and hugged her arms close as though cold. "Besides, I've seen the specs on your new amp, and it's capable of far more than your old one." Shepard caught his gaze and moved close, slowly taking his hand and threading her fingers through his. "Have you tested your biotics yourself? Pushed yourself to the limits to see what you can do?"

Memories of BAaT screamed through his head; Vyrrnus roaring orders and using his biotics to knock them down, forcing them to train and go without sleep for days at a time. It all flashed through his mind in a thunder of images and sound. Unwanted memories. Bad memories. Things he wanted to forget about.

He squashed them down and shook his head. "I'm not a fan of pushing myself to the limits."

Shepard narrowed her eyes. "You're a Spectre now. You should know what you're capable of. Besides, I'm kind of interested to see what you can do." She propped one hand on her hip and smirked at him. "It's been a while since I've seen you in action."

"Oh really?" He moved closer, willing his eyes to stay on her face and drop lower. "You want to see me using my biotics?"

_Come on, Alenko! Stay focused! We're taking it slow, remember?_

"Yes, really. On Mars you were able to _Reave_ , and that was with an L2 implant." Shepard glanced out over the lake, a small smile playing on her lips. "You know, based on the specs I saw for your new amp, and what I know of your capabilities, I'd say you're probably stronger than me now."

Her words hit him like a slap in the face, and the warm fluffy feeling vanished. "Don't be stupid Shepard. You're one of the strongest human vanguards in existence."

_She couldn't be serious! There was no way on earth that he was stronger than her!_

"Yeah, I am," she agreed, and then added, "But you were easily my match with an L2 implant, and you're going to be even stronger with the new prototype."

Her praise, well-meaning though it was, made him uncomfortable and Kaidan shifted restlessly. "I'm not that good. And I'm not going to go out of my way to find out."

If Shepard picked up on how uncomfortable he was she didn't let it phase her as she reached down took one of the ornate garden rocks. She tossed it into the air and caught it in a biotic field. It glowed blue and tumbled end over end. Kaidan watched it, mesmerized as she flicked it with a biotic Thow, sending it spinning out into the lake. It travelled a good distance before it dropped into the lake with a hollow _sploosh_! Ripples spread outwards, reflecting back the light of the Citadel.

"You're not even a little bit curious?" She asked as she bent to pick up another rock. "Come on, just Throw a rock out and see if you can match me."

He snorted. "If you're trying to challenge my masculine pride, it's not going to work."

Shepard's mouth twitched as though she were trying not to smile. "Are you chicken, Alenko? Scared a girl will beat you?"

"No."

She stepped forward into his space, and a wave of her biotic power slithered over his skin. It was warm and alive, and it felt like _her_. "Then do it."

"Fine." Kaidan swallowed, fighting against the urge to pull her into his arms. "Give me the stupid stone."

Shepard grinned victoriously and passed him the rock. He wrapped his fingers around it and tested its weight in his hand, remembering all those lazy summer days when he'd skipped stones with his father. Those days seemed miles away now. Wherever his parents were he hoped they were safe – as bad as it was for him, not knowing where they were, he knew it would be worse for them.

He glanced up to find Gina watching him expectantly, and with a sigh he tossed the rock up in the air and caught it with his biotics. It was a stupid thing to do – giving into Shepard's dare. There was no way he'd be able to match her Throw, or if he did, he would _only_ match it. But he'd never been able to say no to her.

_Except that once on Horizon._

With a final glance at her, he gathered his biotics and sent a sharp slap of energy at the rock, Throwing it out over the lake. It vanished into the darkness over the water - easily sailing past the spot where Shepard's rock had hit the water. After what seemed like an age, the rock dropped, slapped the top of the water, and skittered across to _plop_ into the depths.

Kaidan blinked; his rock had gone half as far again as Shepard's had. He looked across at her, and Gina wasn't quite fast enough to hide the look of shock on her face. Clearly, though she'd expected him to be stronger, she hadn't expected this much of a difference.

"Wow." She stared at Kaidan as though seeing him for the first time, clearly impressed. "And you're telling me you don't feel any different?"

_She was genuinely impressed_ , he realised with surprise. It wasn't an act – Shepard was gobsmacked that he'd beaten her Throw so easily. Pride swelled through him. He'd never been better than Shepard at anything biotic before. Never.

"That was unexpected." He looked at her as she nodded back, a look in her eyes that he couldn't quite decipher.

Was Shepard just as pleased and happy as he was?

"I'll say." Abruptly she broke into a grin and took his hand again. "Come on."

They walked along hand in hand, and the sensation of her skin tingling against his made butterflies dance in his stomach. Neither spoke as they made their way to the elevator, the Presidium so quiet they could have been the only people on the Citadel. It felt good to be with her again, spending time as friends with no fears or barriers between them.

They reached the elevator and stepped inside. Kaidan pushed the button and the door closed behind them. The space seemed to hum with energy and when he turned around and their eyes clashed, he couldn't help but drift closer to her. Maybe it was the biotics, or the knowledge that his new amp really had taken him to a whole new level, but he suddenly felt confident about _them_.

She met his eyes and grinned. "I know that look, Kaidan Alenko."

"I have no idea what you mean." He gave her an innocent look and sidled closer, leaning against the wall of the elevator next to her so their shoulders touched. "So tell me, how does one control their leaking biotics?"

"It's like controlling your temper," she told him. "You just need to learn how to pull it all inside of you."

"How?" She was standing so close to him that he could smell her perfume. It was a light fruity scent; the smell of summer rain, cherries and sugary lollies. "Show me."

Gina smiled, and he went weak at the knees.

She placed her hands lightly on his upper arms and curled her fingers around his muscles. "You need to concentrate on pulling your biotic energy back into you." Her hands trailed up his arms, and along his shoulders, feathery light. "It's about being aware and being in control."

He fell into her eyes, losing himself in their emerald depths as everything around him drifted away. All he could think about was pulling her into his arms, pressing his mouth to hers and chasing away the memory of those long months and years that they'd been apart. He'd been so lonely without her; heartrendingly, soul-crushingly lonely. Kaidan blinked; his arms were around her waist, and he couldn't remember moving them, but he was very aware as he pulled her close and lowered his mouth to hers.

_Just one kiss,_ he told himself, _just to say good night._

But it wasn't to be.

The elevator pinged loudly, startling them both, and Shepard jumped as the doors opened to reveal the docks. She tore her gaze from him and stepped back, and Kaidan barely stopped himself from swearing as the moment shattered. Beyond them, he could see the Normandy at her mooring, and for the first time in his life, Kaidan cursed the Citadel elevators for moving _too fast_.

"Well, this is my stop." She cleared her throat and nervously glanced at him. After a moment of hesitation, she leaned in and pressed a kiss to his cheek. "Good night."

The touch of her lips was fleeting, and Kaidan yearned for more.

He tried to tell himself to forget about it and leave the evening as it was, but he was a helpless passenger inside his own body. As she stepped back he caught her hand and, without thinking about it, pulled her back into his arms and kissed her. It was small - a gentle press of his mouth on hers - but it seemed to ignite something in both of them; a fire that burned and raged, all consuming. Shepard's mouth opened under his and her arms wound tightly around his neck, pulling him close as she deepened the kiss with a small hungry moan.

_Yes!_

Kaidan's heart thundered in his chest, and hunger chased the heat through his body. He wanted more than just a kiss, so much more, and knew that if he asked, Shepard would willingly go with him back to his apartment. But it was too soon. And even if his traitorous body refused to acknowledge it, they both needed time to sort out what they wanted from each other.

Three years was a long time.

Slowly, he broke the kiss and drew back from Gina, pressing a small final kiss on the tip of her nose as he let her go. She looked up at him dazedly, with lips that were red and swollen with passion. She slowly unwound her arms from around his neck, and her gaze met his with a heated look that made his body temperature rise.

Amongst other things.

"Wow." Her eyes sparkled and she smiled at him. "I'd forgotten how much I like your kisses."

The tension dissolved, and Kaidan chuckled. "Any time you need a reminder, feel free to let me know." He reached out and caught the elevator door as it started to close.

"I'll remember that." Her voice dropped to a throaty purr, and Kaidan cleared his throat as his body reacted to her sexy tone.

"Should I ask what you're doing on Tuchanka? Do I even want to know what kind of danger you're putting yourself in? Taking on a Thresher Maw on foot perhaps?" He changed topics quickly, desperate to talk about something _other_ than how much she liked him.

After all – he only had so much restraint.

"Nah, I've done that already." Her smile widened to a grin and she tucked her hair behind her ears. "Hopefully I'll be curing the genophage."

"Ambitious," he replied, deciding she had to be joking about the Thresher Maw.

"You know me." She reached out and touched his cheek in a farewell gesture, than turned to go. "Good night, Kaidan."

"Good night, Gina. Stay safe out there."

She glanced back over her shoulder at him as the door slid shut, green eyes sparkling as they met his. "Always."

* * *

**A/N – I hope enjoyed it! Feedback is always loved!**


	20. Chapter 20

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – Firstly, thank you so much for the feedback on the last chapter. I'm super happy that Kaidan's kiss was well received, and of course I love reading your comments. They make my day.**

**I hope you enjoy this chapter!**

* * *

Shepard dragged a hand across her forehead, scraping off a layer of sweat and Tuchanka dust. Across from her, Liara and Garrus looked equally exhausted, and were just as covered in dirt and muck as she was. Streaks of brown muddy grime and sticky grey ash coated their skin and clung to their armour. And an air of weary exhaustion settled over them as the shuttle blasted through the hot Tuchanka atmosphere, leaving the God forsaken planet behind them.

_For now._

They'd be back there again before this mission was through, Shepard knew. So far they'd made several runs to the surface; once to rescue the new turian Primarch's son and his squad, a second time to disarm the bomb Cerberus had been planning to detonate, and a third time today to clear out a weapons bunker and gun tower that Cerberus had occupied. Exhausting was a mild word for it, and not a day went by when Shepard didn't wish for more of something; more time, more back up, more sleep. The list was endless.

The one glimmering ray of hope getting her through the endless days, was the knowledge that as soon as the genophage was cured she could head back to the Citadel and see Kaidan again. Their evening together on the Citadel had been magical; better than she'd dared hope. It was as though she'd got back those years she'd lost, and the Kaidan she'd been with still felt the same way about her that he always had.

Gina shivered pleasantly at the thought and glanced down at her hands, wondering if Kaidan did feel the same way. The way he'd looked at her as they'd sipped their coffee and hot chocolate, and the way he'd taken her in his arms in the elevator and kissed her. Good God. That kiss. She'd forgotten what his mouth felt like, and the way he tasted, and the way his biotics reverberated off hers like a purr that trickled down her spine.

Even after three years apart, that fiery heat hadn't stopped burning between them.

Garrus' rumbling sigh broke the silence and Shepard glanced up as he spoke. "They aren't making this easy for us, are they?"

For a moment, she struggled to focus through the haze of exhaustion, and it took a few seconds for Shepard to realise he was talking about Cerberus. She almost laughed, but she didn't have the energy for it.

"No." Gina straightened and winced as a muscle in her shoulder pulled tight and twinged painfully. "They sure as hell aren't. And now, on top of indoctrinated husk-people, they're sending those screwed up snipers after us. The Cerberus party just keeps getting wilder."

Liara sat opposite them, and she met Shepard's eyes as she made a sound of agreement. "It was fortunate that we caught the sniper before she did more damage." She looked meaningfully at Shepard's shoulder armour, which was pockmarked and cracked from the snipers shot.

She glanced down at the fractured armour plate and began removing it with fingers that felt slow and clumsy. Liara was right – the sniper had been set up perfectly at a good vantage point, and she hadn't seen her until the first shot had impacted on her armour. A few inches higher and it would had caught her in the head and she'd have been dead.

"You mean, I'm lucky _you_ caught her." Shepard nodded at her friend and tried to ignore the throbbing pain which grew worse with every passing moment. "If you hadn't caught her in that Singularity, she probably would have nailed me with her second shot."

Liara smiled and ducked her head. "It's nice of you to say, Shepard, but you would have done just as well without me."

"Don't be so modest, Liara." Garrus set his sniper rifle down on the empty seat next to him. 'Without that Singularity I'd never have got my shot in, nor would Shepard. You saved our skins back there."

She flushed lavender, and Gina chuckled as she settled back in her seat, undoing the rest of her chest and shoulder plates so she could rub the offending muscle. High impact shots were a bitch to deal with, and while they weren't likely to kill you if they didn't get you straight in the head, they sure as hell hurt! Shepard tried to roll her shoulder, and barely managed to bite back a curse as pain seared through her arm like acid. Yep. No doubt about it; she was going to have one hell of a strain, if not worse, if she didn't see Chakwas as soon as possible.

Garrus caught her eye and his mandibles stretched into what she knew passed for a turian smile. "So, I've been itching to ask what it was that kept you out so late when we docked at the Citadel." His dual-toned voice fell to a deeper note, one which signified curiosity as he continued, "I know you missed Alenko's Spectre ceremony. So am I right to assume you caught up later and made it up to him? I know you humans can get very sentimental about these kinds of things."

Liara's raised her face and flashed Shepard a bright smile. "Yes, Shepard." She raised her eyebrows. "You never did tell us what happened that night."

Gina grinned at her friends and shook her head. "Oh, come on! Can't I have any secrets?"

"Not if it involves Alenko." Garrus' mandibles fluttered as he let out his breath. "Especially not after Horizon. If you're getting involved with him again, it's best you let us know so we can keep an eye on things. Make sure he treats you good!"

"Horizon? Oh, we're done with that." Shepard increased the pressure on her shoulder, and pretended not to notice as Garrus' frown turned into a look of sly understanding.

"Oh really?" His tone said it all, and she raised an eyebrow at him.

"Yes, _really_ Vakarian. We talked it all out and cleared the air."

Liara folded her arms, almost defensively. "So you _were_ with him on the Citadel?"

"Of course." She glanced up. "Nothing special, but it was nice, you know? Just the two of us."

"Just the two of you," Liara repeated, and she flashed Shepard a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. "That's really … _nice_."

Garrus laughed. "Yep. You're a goner. Just like on the Normandy SR1."

Shepard groaned and rolled her eyes as she stretched her shoulder. "You two are insufferable! We just got coffee, okay?"

"Whatever you say, Shepard." The turian shook his head, and Gina knew he didn't buy it for a second.

She ignored Garrus' snicker and tested her arm again. It was still stiff and painful, but her one handed massage was helping slightly. Wistfully, she remembered late nights on the SRI when Kaidan would massage her from top to toe. His hands were always warm and strong, and he had a knack for knowing exactly how and where she wanted to be touched. She shivered, lost in the memories.

Until Liara spoke.

"Shepard, is this wise?" Her asari friend looked at her with a slight frown. "I mean, you know I respect Kaidan, but after what he did on Horizon, how can you trust that he won't betray you again?"

_Kaidan? Betray me?_

Shepard shook her head, and gripped the hand hold tightly as the shuttle docked in the Normandy with a slight bump. "That's not what happened. Kaidan was freaked out because he thought I was dead. Hell, I kind of get why he did what he did, I mean, I just showed up out of nowhere working with Cerberus …"

"Garrus didn't freak out." Liara stood up as Cortez gave them the all clear to disembark. "In fact, so far as I remember, the only person to walk away from you without even asking how you were, was Kaidan." She started to the door and opened it, then paused and sighed. "I'm sorry, Shepard. I'm not trying to upset you, but I don't want to see Kaidan hurt you again." With a final look, she vanished out the hatch.

Shepard glanced at Garrus, confused. "What was that about?"

He stared at her for a long moment, and his alien eyes searched hers. Finally, he shrugged. "Well, Liara never exactly liked Kaidan, did she?"

That much was certainly true, Shepard reflected. Back on the SRI when she and Kaidan had been tiptoeing around each other, scared of the growing feelings between them, Liara had been a thorn in their sides. Not intentionally, as the asari had been nothing but polite, but her interest in Shepard had been obvious. Gina frowned and tapped her lip; that had been a long time ago, and Kaidan and Liara had moved on from then.

"That was years ago, and she got over it." She stood up, and nodded gratefully at Garrus as he gathered up her discarded armour plates. "Right?"

The turian made a clicking sound and shook his head. "Shepard, for someone who's as clever as you, you sure can be dense sometimes."

"You think she still doesn't like him?"

"That's what I _think_ ," he confirmed as he led the way from the shuttle. "I'm just spit-balling here, is that the term you humans use?" She nodded and he continued, "I think it's because Kaidan blamed himself when you died above Alchera."

Shepard sighed. "But that wasn't his fault! I ordered him off and stayed behind to get Joker. It was an accident."

Garrus shrugged. "Well, he blamed himself. It was like Alenko thought that if he'd stayed behind and disobeyed orders he could have saved you. He was depressed, you know, survivor's guilt, and he blamed himself for your death. He said it so soften and so loudly that I think Liara started to believe it. When you died, she was just as broken up as Kaidan was. She couldn't let go of the idea that you'd somehow survived, especially when your body wasn't able to be recovered."

_My body_ ... Memories of the darkness danced at the edge of her vision; a spinning, velvety black full of twinkling stars and the ever growing body of Alchera. Gina's heart thumped loudly, and she anxiously pushed the thought aside. She'd dealt with these fears while working with Cerberus, and wasn't about to let them resurface now.

"I know Liara went after my body and did a deal with Cerberus." Unsure of how much Garrus knew, Shepard watched for his reaction.

He didn't bat an eyelid.

"I know what she did, and why." Garrus set her armour down on a workbench and helped her unclip the rest. "But do _you_ understand why she did it?"

Shepard shook her head. "I don't ... I mean, she was my friend."

"She couldn't let go of you. Even afer you died, Liara could let go. Kaidan was broken, all of us could see that, but he tried to deal with his pain and move on. Liara wallowed in her grief, blaming Kaidan, blaming the Alliance, and eventually she made the deal with Cerberus to get you back."

A terrible suspicion began to grow, and Shepard squashed it flat. "Liara is my friend, Garrus. Whatever her reasons were for bringing me back, it's all in the past. I'm here now, and I'm moving on with my life."

"Yeah, but has she moved on?" he asked. "If you want to avoid hurting her, you probably shouldn't mention Kaidan around her. Especially if you and he _are_ patching things up."

"Shit." Gina rubbed her temples; this was the last thing she needed when her life was finally back on track.

Garrus laughed huskily. "Shit indeed."

* * *

**A/N – Poor Shep! I hope you liked this chapter. Feedback is always loved! :)**


	21. Chapter 21

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – Apologies on the delay with this chapter! And a big, huge thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. You really cheered me up on a week when I was feeling down. Oh, I have written a short smutty Shenko one shot called _Agree To Disagree_ , in case anyone is interested in reading it.  
**

* * *

Kaidan frowned and scanned through the list of bank account transfers, tugging absent-mindedly on his lower lip with his fingers. His eyes flew down the scrolling codes and numbers as he tried to make sense of what he was seeing. The security systems at the embassy had clearly been hacked, and a rogue program introduced, but tracking it and finding the source of the infection was proving difficult.

"Do you see what I mean?" Udina frowned at the screen. "C-Sec is next to useless, and even their cyber-crime division isn't able to do more than clean up after this program once it's eaten through a new system."

"I've never seen anything like it," Kaidan admitted as he shut down the live feed he'd been viewing. "It's too fast to be a person, but reacts too cleverly to be a simple program. I think we might be looking at is a rogue VI program in the security feed."

"You _think_?"

He shrugged and pushed away from the desk. "Well, this isn't my area of expertise, but it needs looking into. I'll flag it with the Spectre terminal and see if any of the others ..."

Someone cleared their throat and Kaidan paused as he registered the C-Sec officer standing in the door to Udina's office. Whoever he was, he looked like a man who didn't enjoy his job. His mouth was downturned in an expression of distaste, and matched the sour expression on his face.

He fixed his cold grey eyes on Kaidan, and then turned to look at Udina. "Sorry to interrupt, but you're needed for a council meeting."

"Ah, Kyle. This is major Alenko." Udina waved the man in and Kaidan stood up to shake his hand.

"Nice to meet you." They shook hands, and he resisted the urge to wipe his palm on his thigh after the man let go of his hand.

 _A_ _biotic_ , he registered with interest.

"Kyle Cheng is one of the C-Sec officers assigned to look after me." The Earth councillor gestured to himself and grimaced. "There have been some rather unsavoury threats against all of the council members since the war began."

"Threats?" Kaidan closed the terminal down and glanced at his friend. "Why?"

Udina shrugged, apparently unruffled. "Oh, threats against our lives because we're not doing enough for our home worlds. Threats because we aren't providing enough aid to colonies the reapers have decimated. Threats because we've decreased the amount of refugees we're accepting into the Citadel."

"Are they serious?" He tried not to sound too worried, but surely he should have been told if the council was receiving death threats?

The Earth Councillor nodded. "Serious enough, although not as big a threat as this rogue VI."

"Rogue VI?" Kyle Cheng asked in a flat toneless voice.

"Nothing to worry about." Udina clapped the man on the shoulder. "Just a program that's playing merry hell with the security systems. C-Sec has been notified."

He inclined his head. "Understood."

"Kaidan, I'd like to request your presence at this meeting." Udina gathered up some data pads and placed them in his briefcase. "I have a small favour to ask."

Kaidan nodded and fell in with Udina as he walked from the office. The C-Sec officer walked a few paces behind them, giving them privacy.

"Is there something you need?" Kaidan kept his voice low as they strode through the halls.

Udina cleared his throat. "I'd like to ask you to keep an eye on Valern for me. _Unofficially_."

It took everything Kaidan had not to openly baulk at the request. "Sir?"

_What the hell was he playing at?_

Udina motioned him closer and his voice dropped lower. "This is completely off the record, Alenko, but someone accessed my personal terminal. They went through my private storage devices _and_ my private bank accounts. Nothing was taken, but a great deal of information was copied."

Kaidan frowned and glanced around as they walked past the other embassies. "And you think it's the salarians?"

Udina nodded as they strode through the security check to the council chambers. "Valern has been acting suspiciously for the last few days, and the evidence I found when I had my terminal investigated points to the Salarians. And last night he contacted the Normandy …"

"What?" Kaidan stumbled as they walked and his stomach plummeted as though he'd just fallen several metres. "Why would he contact Shepard?"

His mind instantly flew back to their kiss in the elevator; her skin soft as silk under his fingertips, the sweet taste of hot chocolate on her lips as he'd kissed her, and the small eager sounds she'd made as their mouths meshed. Kaidan's body clenched with need, and he forced himself to focus on Udina; he was a Spectre and he had a job to do.

Udina didn't notice his momentary lapse in concentration and continued speaking. "It was done through official Spectre channels, but the contents of the conversation have been sealed and Valern has been avoiding me. I'm not sure what he's up to, but I fear the salarians are trying to stir up trouble for the human embassy, perhaps in retaliation for Shepard's decision to cure the genophage."

Kaidan frowned. "I heard the salarian Dalatrass wasn't happy with that decision."

"That," Udina lowered his voice even further as they reached the meeting room and the door slid open. "Is putting it mildly."

He gestured for Kaidan to precede him while he spoke to the C-Sec officer who'd escorted them. They spoke quietly, then Udina closed the door and joined the others. Tevos was perched on the edge of her chair, drumming a light rhythm on the table while she watched them. Sparatus sat next to her, and his silvery eyes focused on them impatiently. Valern was, Kaidan noticed, conspicuously absent.

"Nice of you to join us, Udina." The Sparatus rumbled and crossed his arms across his chest.

Udina glanced around the room and smiled politely. "I see Valern is running late too?"

"No," Tevos articulated clearly, as though speaking to a child. "He had a meeting with the executor and won't be making this morning's session."

Udina cleared his throat. "How unfortunate. Well, I've asked Major Alenko to sit in on the meeting so we can update him on the latest war efforts."

 _But that's not why I'm here,_ Kaidan thought with a frown _, why is he lying to them?_

The others nodded in agreement and the meeting got under way. Kaidan tried to focus as they talked about the latest requests from the volus, elcor and hannar embassies, but his mind kept slipping back to Valern. It didn't make sense that the salarians would try to cause problems for Udina and the human embassy - especially in a time of war. The salarians were, first and foremost, logical. They'd know that causing problems at a time like this could mean suicide, so why would they do it?

Kaidan glanced across at Udina as the talk turned to the growing number of refugees in the docks. _Why was Udina so worried about Valern_? He wondered. _Was there something on his terminals that he was concerned might have been found? Something he thought Valern might have given to Shepard?_ Kaidan's brown creased as his mind switched track; _why had Valern contacted Shepard if he was trying to cause trouble between the humans and salarians?_ It was certainly no secret that Shepard and Udina had never been close, but she was a Spectre and wouldn't automatically take everything told to her at face value.

_Did Valern have something on Udina?_

The thought made Kaidan shift uncomfortably. Donnell had been his friend for many years now, and though the man wasn't a saint, Kaidan had trouble believing that he would do anything to jeopardise the Earth's place on the council. And yet, Udina _was_ worried enough to want him here to keep an eye on Valern. _Why?_ Was there something in his records that he feared Valern might have discovered and passed on to Shepard?

He looked away from Udina and back down at his hands, which he'd folded neatly in front of him. The other thing bugging him was why Valern had gone to Shepard if there was a problem. He was a Spectre too, so why not come to him, especially when he'd been appointed to work with the council? Didn't Valern trust him?

_Maybe he thinks you're too close to Udina._

A distant alarm roused Kaidan from his thoughts, and a moment later his omni-tool went off with a piercing yowl; an emergency broadcast. The councillors went quiet as Kaidan pushed away from the table and quickly opened a secure channel to C-Sec. In the distance he heard another explosion, more sirens and the faint pop of gun fire.

"Major Alenko?" Tevos started to rise, but subsided when Kaidan gestured for her to stay seated. "What's going on?"

"I'm not sure, give me a moment, Councillor." Kaidan paced while his call connected.

Was it reapers? Had they somehow made it past all the Councils outlying defences without being picked up? It didn't seem possible, but Earth had been taken the same way. Kaidan tensed as the connection went through and Bailey's voice shattered the silence.

"Major Alenko, is that you?"

"Yes sir." He spun around and walked a few paces from the councillors. "What's happening?"

"We're under attack - the bastards hit us from the inside. They took C-Sec headquarters before we knew what was what." He sounded shaken up, and in the background Kaidan could hear screaming and turret fire. "Are the council secure?"

"They are. They're with me in one of the council meeting rooms." He glanced over his shoulder at them as he spoke; all three of them were struggling to look cool, calm and collected. But the tell-tale signs of fear were there. "I was going to take them to the council bunker."

"Negative," Bailey rasped. "The council chambers are going to be crawling with people, and any one of them could be working with Cerberus …"

Kaidan froze. "Cerberus?"

"That's who's responsible for the attack on the Citadel. It's Cerberus," he continued before Kaidan could speak again. "Listen, you need to get the council to the landing pad on the roof. I'm going to send a shuttle there to pick them up and evac them to a safe location. I'll send the coordinates to you." There was a pause while Bailey yelled at someone in the background, and the sound of more gunfire rattled out over the comm. "Some of these bastards are in C-Sec uniforms. Don't stop for anyone, Alenko."

"I won't." He pulled his side arm from his thigh holster, and wished for something bigger and more solid. "Good luck, Commander Bailey."

"You too."

The line went dead and Kaidan swung around to face the councillors, who were watching with a mixture of horror and fear. "Cerberus is attacking the Citadel, I need to get you to a secure location."

"They wouldn't dare!" Tevos frowned as she sprung to her feet, but quietened down when Kaidan flashed her a look that said plainly; _they would_.

"I don't want any arguments. There's a shuttle waiting on the roof …"

Udina interrupted him. "We trust you to keep us safe, Major."

"Good, because I'm the only thing standing between you and Cerberus." Kaidan moved to the door. "Stay behind me and follow my instructions. If I tell you to run, you run. If I tell you to hide, you hide."

They nodded, and Kaidan flared brightly as he activated his Barrier. He opened the door and scanned the corridor and, finding it miraculously empty, waved the Council through. The sounds of gunfire and screaming were louder now, and Kaidan led his charges through the back corridors, choosing a route which would take them slightly out of their way, but which was safer. Bailey was right- the council chambers would be crawling with people, and by now, probably crawling with Cerberus too.

Their luck held for most of the journey, but the sounds of fighting grew louder with each turn they took. When Kaidan scanned the final corridor that led to the elevators, he wasn't surprised to see a small group of Cerberus soldiers clustered around it. They had the numbers, but he had the element of surprise.

He gathered his biotics, and power rushed through his body in an electric surge. His skin tingled, and his bones hummed as he swung out from around the corner and threw a Reave at the small group. It felt good to let loose, and the Cerberus men screamed as the Reave smashed into them. It crackled around them, not unlike a singularity, and Kaidan felt his own power surge as the attack drained their shields and health.

He lobbed a Cryoblast at one of the soldiers, and the man froze solid and dropped to the floor with an icy crack; his skin frosted and blue. The other soldiers regrouped, and Kaidan sprinted forward, using an upturned bench as cover while he fired on them. There was a shriek as one of his shots took a Centurion in the face, and his skull exploded in a thick rain of black gore. He dispatched the final soldier with a wave of biotic energy which slammed him heard fist into a wall. His neck cracked sideways, and he slumped to the floor and was still.

"All clear," he called, and slapped the elevator button while he waited for the councillors to reach him.

Tevos gave him a strange look. "That was an impressive display, Major. I know asari commandos who would struggle to pull off that combination of attacks so easily."

He flicked his eyes to her briefly. "Thank you."

His biotics rippled through his body like a well of water, bubbling up from someplace deep inside. His L2 had always spiked high and his attacks had been strong, but it came with a cost. The new implant felt different. The biotic power felt easier, stronger, and cleaner. There was no residual pain when he used an attack, and he felt great. If anything he felt more energised.

The lift doors opened and Kaidan ushered them in. "Stay behind me. If the doors open and someone attacks us, I don't want you getting caught in the cross fire."

The ride up was normally a few minutes, but it felt twice as long to Kaidan, and he busied himself by hacking the elevator controls to prevent it from stopping on any floors but the roof. The sounds of gunfire grew loud again, and Kaidan cursed as he realised people were fighting in the elevator shaft. A _thunk_ echoed through the elevator, followed by a roaring sound and the shriek of grinding metal.

"What was that?" Sparatus frowned and pinned Kaidan with his gaze. "Are they trying to bring down the elevator?"

"I'm not sure." Kaidan glanced up at the digital display; _they were nearly at the roof._ He cursed again as he heard another burst of gunfire, and the elevator shuddered as several heavy objects dropped on top of it. "They're on the elevator!" he shouted. "Get down!"

He fired several shots up into the ceiling and adrenaline surged through his body; Cerberus was not going to get the Council! The elevator slowed, stopped and the doors opened. Kaidan shepherded them out and sealed the doors behind them. Then he led the way out to the landing pad, anxiety and adrenaline surging through him.

The blood froze in his veins as he caught sight of the smouldering wreck that had once been a C-Sec shuttle. It was still alight and burning brightly, and Kaidan fought back a roll of nausea as he realised he could see the blackened and burnt remains of the pilot still sitting in the front.

"The shuttle! It's been destroyed!" Udina gasped, stating the obvious.

Panic swept over Kaidan, and he swung around, checking for enemies. The roof was clear, but it was obvious that Cerberus knew where they were and were trying to stop them. He cursed; there were only two choices left to them now, either hold up out here and hope another shuttle came, or head back to the safety of the building and hope they didn't run into another Cerberus patrol.

 _The building_ , he decided.

"Okay, everyone back to the building …" Kaidan's words petered out as the doors to the elevator beeped warningly as they were hacked. "Get back," he ordered to the councillors when they almost walked past him.

The doors opened, and Kaidan aimed his gun at the gap, his heart thundering in his chest as he waited to see the gleam of white and yellow that meant Cerberus. He saw movement and his finger tightened on the trigger as a figure came through the door with their gun drawn. Time seemed to stop. Kaidan took in the familiar N7 armour, the red hair and sea-green eyes, and almost lowered his gun.

" _Shepard?_ "

Behind her came Garrus and Liara, both of whom had their guns drawn and were aimed at the councillors. Even Gina, though her eyes hesitated on him, immediately looked beyond him and aimed her gun at the council. Kaidan felt like he'd been punched; _what the hell was going on?_

"It's Shepard! She's with Cerberus!" Udina growled from behind him. "She's going to kill us all."

 _Gina working for Cerberus? No._ Kaidan tightened his grip on the gun, every fibre of his being rejecting the idea that she was still working for the terrorist organisation. And yet, here she was in the middle of a Cerberus attack on the Citadel; gun drawn on the councillors. _There had to be a reason!_

"Shepard? Talk to me, what is this?" He moved himself between Shepard and the council, trembling as he kept his gun trained on her.

She frowned. "Get out of the way, Kaidan."

Her words were like a slap to the face, and he shook his head. "You've got a gun on the council, Shepard! I'm not going anywhere, now tell me what the fuck this is?"

He rarely swore, and Shepard blinked in surprise. "It's Udina," she growled, and her eyes flicked back to the council behind him. "He's behind the coup attempt. He's working with Cerberus."

_Udina working with Cerberus?_

"That's a lie." The Earth councillor spat from behind him. "You don't have any proof! You never do."

Shepard stared into Kaidan's eyes for a long moment, and then lowered her weapon, gesturing for Garrus and Liara to do the same. Some of the tension went out of Kaidan's body as she shook her head. "Valern found evidence that Udina was receiving funds from Cerberus. I've just come from the executor's office; Cerberus tried to kill Valern but failed. I have all the proof you need." Her green orbs bored into his and Kaidan's heart pulled painfully. "Please Kaidan, you have to trust me."

"Don't listen to her! We need to get back inside! Cerberus will be here any moment! If Shepard won't move than you need to shoot her!" Udina stepped closer, his voice low and forceful. "Don't let your feelings rule you, Major. You need to serve the council."

Kaidan kept his gun on Shepard, but a fine tremor ran through his hands. It felt wrong to be sighting on her, and he desperately wanted to lower his weapon and step to her side. Only a few nights ago he'd been holding her, kissing her, and a hairs breadth from asking her to spend the night with him.

Gina's eyes flicked from him to Udina and she shook her head. "There are Cerberus assassins in that elevator shaft behind us. If you open that door like Udina says, they'll kill us all. He's working for them, Kaidan. I don't know why, but he is. You know I wouldn't lie about this. You know _me_."

He half lowered his gun. _Was it true? Could Udina really have done this?_

He thought back over what the councillor had told him about Valern and his suspicions. What if Udina had been lying? What if the reason he had wanted Kaidan with him today was not because he wanted him to watch Valern, but because he thought Kaidan would protect him? A creeping feeling spread over Kaidan's skin. He had no proof, but something had felt off all day today.

Tevos cleared her throat. "We have mistrusted Shepard in the past to our detriment. Perhaps we should trust her?"

Kaidan hesitated as the asari's words sunk in, and memories of Horizon swirled to the surface; the hurt, the confusion and the pain. He'd walked away from Shepard because he hadn't known who she really was, because he hadn't trusted her. And just as Tevos had said, it had come back to haunt him.

This time, he couldn't believe that Gina was lying, or that she was still working with Cerberus. It didn't make any sense. He stared in her eyes, the gun still trained on her, and everything fell away. Distantly he could hear Udina talking behind him, and he knew Liara was speaking to Shepard, but in this moment, everything narrowed down to just them.

He remembered how she'd felt in his arms the other night; the taste of her lips against his, the smell of her skin, the tingle of her biotics. It hadn't been an act; that had been Gina. If he hesitated now he'd lose her, and he'd be alone again.

_But I'm a soldier!_

"Kaidan, trust me." Gina raised one hand towards him, palm up. "Please."

Kaidan let his breath out slowly and dropped his gun. "Okay." He swung around and sighted on Udina. "Step away from the door controls."

Udina stared at him with eyes that glittered with anger. "I should have known," he sneered. "I should have known you'd crawl back into her shadow again. Kaidan Alenko; Shepard's personal lapdog." As he spoke, he edged closer to the controls.

"Udina, get away from the controls _now_." Kaidan took a few steps forward, ignoring the sting of his friend's words. "We can sort this out."

Udina stared at him, and Kaidan saw him hesitate, but then his eyes hardened. "To hell with this, I'm opening the door." He reached for the control pad and began punching in a code.

Before Kaidan could move closer, Tevos turned on him and grabbed Udina's arm, she wrenched it away from the control pad. "Councillor, you must stop!"

"No!" Udina flung Tevos off him, and knock her to the ground.

He drew a weapon, and everything seemed to slow down as Udina pointed the gun at the asari councillor. _He wouldn't pull the trigger_ , Kaidan thought desperately, _Udina wouldn't do that!_ But he saw the councillor's finger twitch on the trigger, and he realised that he would. Kaidan drew in a deep breath and, though something inside of him twisted in agony, he pulled the trigger.

His first bullet hit Udina in the leg, and it gave way beneath him. He fell to one knee and yelled, but instead of dropping his weapon like Kaidan had hoped, he turned to face them and raised the gun in their direction. Kaidan fired before he could second-guess himself, and the shot hit Udina in the chest. He dropped to the ground, and lay groaning as blood pooled around him.

A roaring filled Kaidan's ears; _I've just shot my friend_ , he thought wildly.

"Liara, secure the council. Garrus, stay on those doors. Kaidan, do what you can for Udina." Shepard barked orders and stepped up next to Garrus.

Kaidan blinked and realised there were thudding sounds coming from the elevator shaft. In all the excitement he hadn't heard them. He felt numb, disconnected, and it took more effort than it should have to get himself moving. Udina lay ahead of him – the pool of blood spreading around him.

"Donnell?" Kaidan made his feet move and lowered himself down beside his friend, trying to ignore the blood he was kneeling in.

Udina coughed and blood splattered down his chin. He reached up and grabbed Kaidan's shirt. "You," he wheezed in a wet burbling voice, "Were supposed to protect me …"

"Stay still." Kaidan pressed down over the wound, but his front was slick with blood, and he knew it was futile. "Why?"

"Because," he coughed again. "Cerberus would have _helped_ Earth."

Kaidan tried to stem the bleeding, but Udina convulsed, choked and went still, his last breath rattling out in a wet wheeze. For a minute Kaidan stared at Udina's sightless eyes, then he rocked back on his heels and gazed down at himself; he was covered in blood. Behind him he could hear people talking, and when he gathered his strength and stood up, he saw Bailey talking to Shepard. He focused on what they were saying, ignoring the rolling in his stomach and the pulse pumping in his head.

_I've just shot my friend._

"… They scuttled into the keeper tunnels. I have men looking for them now." Bailey shook his head and gestured at Gina. "I'll say it plain, Councillor. Shepard saved the lot of you."

"No, all I did was lock the elevator behind us." Gina shook her head and turned to meet Kaidan's eyes. "Major Alenko saved them. He kept the Councillors safe and stopped Udina."

* * *

**A/N – I hope you enjoyed it. Comments and feedback are most welcome.**


	22. Chapter 22

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – A huge thank you to everyone who left me reviews on the last chapter! It means so much that you take the time to let me know what you thought of my chapter. It makes my week. Now, I really enjoyed writing this chapter, and I hope you all enjoy reading it. Enjoy!  
**

* * *

The Spectre shooting range echoed with gunshots as Shepard sighted on the target and pulled the trigger. The Paladin kicked with each shot, and her shoulders and upper arms ached from holding it steady. But she stayed focused. She _had_ to stay focused. If she lost control, even for a moment, she'd break and everything she was holding inside would come tumbling out.

Thane was dead, and it was all her fault.

The guilt ate at her; gnawing and chewing at her guts until her stomach churned. If she'd shot the assassin when she had a chance instead of hesitating and trying to talk him down, then things would have been different. Thane would still be alive instead of lying dead in the Huerta morgue, and Kolyat would still have a father.

With each shot of the gun, she counted off the ways today could have gone differently; _if only I'd got to the Citadel sooner. If only Thane hadn't jumped in to save the day. If only I'd taken that shot._

She pulled the trigger again and again and again, until the gun overheated and clicked stubbornly. Then, without breaking pace, Shepard ejected the smoking thermal clip and loaded a new one. She re-sighted on the target and pulled the trigger; a _gain and again and again_. The target at the other end of the Spectre training room was a tattered ruin, its shields having given out long ago. Its head was gone, its chest was a gaping ruin, and the odd bullet had torn a hole in its stomach, arms and throat. Gina didn't care; she just kept shooting. As long as she stayed focused on her target, and kept pulling the trigger, she could keep it together.

The sense of dislocation from the real world was almost absolute. It was as though someone had shaken her free from her life, upended everything she believed in, and had dumped her down in a place she didn't know. Everything looked the same, but the world was a different place. _Changed. Warped. Alien_. Thane, a man who had saved her life and taught her to find peace, was gone forever. His life snuffed out by a Cerberus assassin that _she_ hadn't been able to stop. And, to top it all off, Kaidan had drawn a gun on her!

Shepard sighed; it was unfair to blame Kaidan for what had happened, especially when she was the one who'd come bursting out of the elevator with her gun drawn. But seeing him turn his gun on her had shaken her to the core. Anger, frustration and disappointment bubbled up as she remembered the way he'd watched her over his gun. The fear and hesitation in his eyes seared into her memory. Shepard tightened her hands on the gun and clenched her teeth until her jaw ached. She didn't blame him for protecting the Councillors, but he should have lowered his weapon when he saw it was her.

He should have lowered his weapons when she did.

He should have trusted her.

_He does trust you,_ a small voice in the back of head piped up, _he sided with you against his friend._

The gun overheated again, and Shepard let her hands fall to her side. She gripped the gun loosely in one hand and closed her eyes as her shoulders and arms burned, the pain distracting her from the turmoil in her head. How long had she been in here? An hour? Two hours? More? Gina rubbed her eyes with the butt of the gun, swaying as a roll of exhaustion swept through her. She'd come straight here after visiting Thane in the hospital, and her armour reeked of blood, sweat, and smoke.

"Gina?"

Shepard stiffened at the sound of her name and opened her eyes. "Kaidan," she greeted him softly, exhaustion stealing any anger she might have felt as she turned and saw him.

He stood just inside the shooting range, his hands loosely clasped behind his back and his expression carefully neutral. Shepard slid the handgun back into its holster at her side and pushed her hair out of her face; sweat, ash and other substances making it stiff and sticky. Kaidan looked tired, she realised, and his normally clear eyes were dark and bloodshot. He'd cleaned Udina's blood off his hands, but his uniform was still streaked with red smears.

"I waited for you by the Normandy," he offered. "I wanted to talk about what happened, but you never turned up."

"I needed to be alone." Shepard shrugged as though it didn't matter to her. "What's there to talk about? What happened, _happened_."

Kaidan paled and briefly balled his hands into fists. "I need to talk about it, Shepard. I've never drawn my gun on someone I care about before." He looked down at his hands and swallowed before he continued. "It all happened so fast, but you need to know that I was doing my job. What happened, wasn't personal."

"It felt personal." She crossed her arms over her chest, but it felt too defensive and she uncrossed them again. "I don't blame you for doing your job, but you could have dropped your gun when you saw it was me."

"I know."

"And you didn't." Shepard sighed and rubbed her eyes as they blurred with exhaustion.

Kaidan took a step forward and reached out, touching her shoulder lightly. "Cerberus was attacking and I had no way of knowing who was on our side and who wasn't. You came out of the lifts pointing guns at the Council and didn't explain yourself straight away. In my shoes you would have kept your gun up too."

"Maybe." Even through armour his touch sent a biotic current along her skin and she stepped away, rubbing her shoulder guard as though to dispel the prickles of energy. "Look, you did your job Kaidan, I don't blame you for that. But I dropped my gun, and you didn't."

"I wanted to," he confessed and took another step closer, closing the distance between them. "I couldn't have pulled the trigger, but until I knew what the hell was going on I couldn't afford to lower my weapon." Kaidan reached out and took her hand, closing his fingers around hers as they trembled with fatigue. His eyes searched hers and his voice cracked. "I could never hurt you. Ever. You mean too much to me."

The tone in his voice, so scared, undid her, and tears sprang to her eyes as she nodded. "I know. I trusted you. It's just that ..." She drew in a shaky breath. "I'd just watched my friend get stabbed by a Cerberus assassin, and then the same assassin went after the council. I knew you were with them, and I knew you'd die before you let them get hurt. I didn't want ..." she broke off and Kaidan took her other hand, his physical proximity giving her the strength to continue. "Udina would have got you all killed. I know he was your _friend_ , Kaidan, but he used that against you." Shepard stressed the word friend and clutched his hands tightly. "I couldn't let Cerberus or Udina get away with it."

"You were worried I'd take Udina's word over yours?" His forehead crinkled. "He was my friend Shepard, but he isn't you. You're special to me."

_Am I?_

Shepard's tongue stole out to moisten her lower lip, and she saw his eyes fall to her mouth. "I don't know why I'm mad at you." She sighed. "I knew you wouldn't pull the trigger; I trusted you."

"Good, because I never doubted you," Kaidan confessed. "Not once." He was quiet for a few heartbeats, and his eyes searched hers. "You said your friend was hurt?"

"Thane." Her chest burned as she said his name.

"Did he make it?"

She shook her head, and the floodgates opened as tears overflowed from her eyes, trickling down her cheeks as she bit her lip to hold in the keening sound building in her chest. Kaidan didn't say anything, he just stepped forward and suddenly his arms were around her, and he was holding her against his chest. She burrowed her face into his neck and choked on a sob as everything she'd been holding back burst free. Like a sponge, she soaked up the comfort he offered, and wound her arms around his neck.

The painful ache of loneliness in her chest almost too much to bare, but Kaidan held her through it all, his arms strong and steady about her as she wept for Mordin and Thane. It wasn't fair that they'd died saving others, but it was the end they'd both wanted and she didn't begrudge them that. In their own way, both men had been seeking redemption, trying to atone for past hurts by helping others.

They'd been at peace.

"I'm sorry," she said as she pulled away from Kaidan, scrubbing her eyes with one hand and brushing tears from her cheeks. She looked down at the floor, aware that her face was splotchy and red, and her eyes were puffy. "I don't normally ..."

Kaidan smoothed a hand down her arm, gentle and warm, and even his biotics felt reassuring as they pulsed against hers. "Don't apologise."

Shepard nodded, but kept her eyes down. "I just haven't had a break in so long. I feel like this is only the start, but I'm already tired. I keep losing friends, and today I could have lost you."

"You'll never lose me." She looked up at his words, and Kaidan's cheeks flushed pink. "I mean, I meant ... ," he stuttered.

For the first time in days, Shepard laughed. "I forgot how cute you are when you're embarrassed."

He flushed even redder. "Thanks for that. I'm trying to be all masculine and comforting, and you go and call me cute."

He smiled despite his embarrassment, and it was like seeing the sun come out from behind the clouds. She smiled back and the knot of tension in her core dissolved. Their eyes met with a warm burst of energy, and suddenly Gina became aware that Kaidan still had his arms linked loosely around her waist. Flushing almost as red as he had, she cleared her throat as she pulled back, breaking the intimate atmosphere.

Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck and shuffled as the connection between them broke. "Shepard, listen I …"

"I should be getting back …" They both spoke at the same time and Gina flushed again. "You go first."

Kaidan straightened and rubbed his hands together nervously. "Right. There was something else I wanted to talk to you about, but I'm not sure if this is a good time." He grimaced. "I didn't know about Thane, I'm sorry."

She reached out to touch him. "It's fine."

He drew in a deep breath. "Hackett offered me a position on the Fifth Fleet, but I don't know if I'm going to take it." Kaidan paused and looked up to meet her eyes, holding her gaze steadily as he added, "If there was a chance I could come back on the Normandy … well, I'd jump at it."

"You want to join my crew?" Gina's eyes widened, and she smirked. "You? A _major_? Taking orders from a lowly commander?"

Kaidan caught the teasing twinkle in her eyes and his face broke into a charming grin. "Of course. Any order you like. The Normandy is your ship after all." He paused for a second, and then that familiar sexy look slid into his eyes. "I'd be there as another Spectre, naturally. So the chain of command wouldn't be an issue."

_Nor would fraternisation._

"Naturally." Shepard battered the thought away, but from the look in Kaidan's eyes she suspected he was thinking the same thing. "Well then, I think we can find a place for you." She held out her hand and Kaidan grasped it firmly. "Welcome back to the team, Major"

His face glowed. "Thank you Shepard, I won't forget this. And just so we're clear – I've got your back."

"You say that now, but wait until I have you facing off against a reaper." She let go of his hand and together they walked out of the shooting range, the air between them alive and buzzing as Kaidan chuckled.

The sound of his low throaty laugh sent a shiver racing down her spine and it was with difficulty that she stopped herself from reaching out to touch him. The energy between them, the attraction, was very real, and her heartbeat sped up as they walked along side by side. She'd fantasised about Kaidan re-joining the Normandy, but never in her wildest imaginings had she thought it would be in these circumstances.

She didn't know what the future held or what new horror they'd be facing tomorrow, but nothing felt insurmountable with Kaidan back by her side.

* * *

**A/N – Finally Kaidan is back on the Normandy! I can't wait for the next chapter – it's going to be so much fun! I hope you all enjoy it too. As always, reviews and feedback are very much loved.**


	23. Chapter 23

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N - Tehehe, I really, really enjoyed writing this chapter and I hope you guys like it. This is something that I've been wanting to put into a fic for aaaages! Kaidan and Nero! :D Thank you very much to everyone who read and reviewed the last chapter. Your comments were fantastic - so many feels! :)**

* * *

Liara stormed into the Starboard Observation Lounge on a roll of biotic energy so strong it made the hairs on the back of Shepard's arms stand up. Her hands were curled into fists, her back rigidly straight and her jaw clenched so tight that tiny muscles jumped in her cheeks. She closed the door behind her and turned around, fastening her gaze on Shepard and stepping forward with her hand out to forestall her from speaking.

"Tell me you're _not_ letting him back on the ship," she began, her voice strained. "Tell me Joker was lying and you haven't invited Kaidan back?"

Shepard drew in a deep breath and finished picking out a selection of novels from the shelves. "Of course I asked him back. He's a Spectre and a valuable asset to the crew." She glanced back at Liara and narrowed her eyes. "You saw him on Mars, Liara. He's incredible …"

"I also saw him pull a gun on you on the Citadel," she interrupted. "Or are you going to pretend that didn't happen?"

Liara was so worked up about this that she could barely control her biotics, Gina realised as she watched her pace in agitation. No, not angry; _hurt_. She bit back the defensive retort that sprang to mind, and took another calming breath. She'd been expecting Liara to be a little bit upset at Kaidan's return to the Normandy, especially after Garrus' warnings, but she hadn't expected quite this level of hurt from her.

"Liara," Shepard said her name quietly as she turned around to face her properly. "Kaidan and I have talked it through, and we're both okay with what happened." Liara flared slightly at this, and she shivered as the other biotic's power crawled over her skin. She frowned; this kind of behaviour was very out of character for Liara. "Do you have a problem with Kaidan? Or is there another reason you're questioning _my_ decisions on _my_ ship?"

Liara flushed purple. "What? No! I'm not questioning your decisions, Shepard. I'm just concerned about where his loyalties lie after he turned his back on you on Horizon and then questioned you on Mars."

_Was she really going to bring this up again? Now? After everything Kaidan had done to prove his worth?_

Irritation seeped through her. "He also almost got himself killed on Mars trying to protect us, _and_ on the Citadel he sided with us against Udina."

"Eventually," Liara muttered. "Look, I just want you to be careful. I know how you feel about him Shepard, how vulnerable you are to his … ," she struggled for a word. "His charms," she finished awkwardly.

Shepard swallowed a groan and glanced down at the books she was holding in her hands, a collection of trashy science fiction and romance novels which Kasumi had left on board the Normandy. Since she'd decided that the Starboard Observation Lounge would be Kaidan's accommodation when he re-joined the ship, she'd figured it would be best to come down now to grab a selection of titles, and save bothering him later. The Observation Lounge was already dotted with some of Kaidan's personal belongings; a crate full of tech and other oddities, and a duffle bag full of spare uniforms.

She looked up at Liara and tried to smile reassuringly. "I appreciate the concern, but having Kaidan back on board will be a good thing. I trust him completely, and as far as I'm concerned he had every right to doubt me like he did. If our positions were reversed, I'm not sure I would have been very trusting either. Especially not after what Cerberus did on Akuze."

The asari didn't look convinced and her mouth flattened into a line. "If you say so."

"I say so, and this is the last I want to hear about it. Kaidan saved my life on Mars and backed me up on the Citadel, and if _I_ can trust him, then that should be good enough for everyone else." She waited for Liara to argue, or to make another comment about Kaidan, but to her surprise she simply nodded and walked out of the room without another word.

Shepard watched her go, a strange sinking feeling settling in the pit of her stomach as she recalled Garrus' words in the shuttle; that Liara blamed Kaidan for her death. After so much time spent away from Kaidan, licking her wounds and wishing she'd stayed dead, she was finally back where she wanted to be with him. This was the last thing she needed. Liara was her best friend and Kaidan was … special to her. She needed both of them in her life, and needed them to be friends.

The door the Starboard Observation Lounge whirred open again and Shepard spun to face it, expecting to see Liara. Instead Kaidan walked in holding a cardboard box, with another duffel bag slung over his shoulder. He actually jumped when he saw her, clearly expecting to find the room empty. For a moment he froze as the door whizzed closed behind him, then he recovered and nervously grinned and set the cardboard box down gently.

"Gina." Kaidan dropped his duffle bag down and rubbed his hands together, easing blood back into his fingers. "I didn't think I'd see you here."

"I just thought I'd come down and get some reading material." She nodded at the books in her hand, and set them down on the nearest coffee table. "I take it your transfer to the Normandy went smoothly?"

He nodded and the sparkle in his eyes sent a pleasant shiver down her spine. "After helping to save the council, they were willing to let me do just about anything. I think I could have asked Tevos to do a tap dance for me and she would have done it."

"Now there's a thought." Gina laughed with him.

Kaidan looked amazing in his Battle Dress Uniform. The dark colours emphasized his pale skin and dark hair, and gave him a slightly exotic air. It was difficult to keep her eyes from wandering over the broad expansive of his chest, or the impressive swell of his shoulders. She always forgot how big he was now; he'd certainly filled out since his original posting on the Normandy. Whatever he'd been doing for the past two or so years had kept him in excellent shape.

Her mouth ran dry and she cleared her throat, intending to ask if she could do anything to help him settle in when the cardboard box he'd set down suddenly _moved_. It was a small movement, the tiniest of moves, but it _definitely_ moved. She frowned and looked from the box to Kaidan.

"Kaidan, why is that box moving?" She narrowed her eyes as the cardboard box trembled and then gave a sudden twitch.

She started to step forward, intending to solve this particular mystery, but Kaidan leapt in between her and it. "Moving?" he laughed nervously. "It's not moving."

"I'm sure I saw …"

There was a thump from behind him and her mouth snapped shut as she listened. Kaidan cleared his throat as though to cover the noise, his eyes wide and innocent as he scrubbed the back of his neck with one hand. Shepard shook her head and attempted to skirt around him, but he was too quick for her and blocked her away again, his face entreating as he held up his hands to stop her.

Cute as _he_ was, and susceptible to his charm though _she_ was, this was one mystery which she intended on solving. Gina gave him a hard look and took a long measured step forward, almost bumping into him as she stared him down. He edged back slightly, but stood his ground for the most part, chewing his lip nervously as he watched her.

"Kaidan." She raised her face to his to meet his gaze, and an electric sizzle jumped between their eyes. " _Move_."

Another thump sounded, louder, followed by a scuffling sound, and Kaidan paled. "I was going to tell you, Gina. I was. But there wasn't time and it all happened so fast …"

"What's in the box?" she asked pointedly, pursing her lips when he swallowed nervously and shuffled on the spot. "Kaidan, it's can't be that bad. You don't have a varren pup in there do you?" The ridiculous thought almost made her giggle, but she sobered when Kaidan failed to even crack a smile. "Oh God, it's not … _is it_?"

The thought of Major Kaidan Alenko, one of the most by the book men she'd ever known, smuggling a varren onto the Normandy was laughable; but he _wasn't_ laughing. In fact, when she looked at him closely, he looked guilty. Very guilty. More sounds came from behind him, and the box in question tipped on its side and trembled as it let out a loud and piteous _meow_.

" _A cat_?" Her jaw dropped open in shock. "You brought _a cat_ on board my ship?"

"I can explain!" He knelt next to the box and tipped it the right way up, then opened up the flaps, reached in, and pulled out a sleek tabby cat. He cuddled it to his chest, stroking its stripy brown and black fur while he lifted his chin and looked defiantly at her. "His name's Nero and he belonged to Udina."

Shepard blinked in surprised. "Udina had a _cat_?"

He nodded.

"And you brought it _here_?" she continued. "Without asking me first?"

Kaidan nodded again, his eyes imploring as he stroked the furry little creature. "There wasn't any time to ask. I only remembered Udina had a cat a few hours before I was scheduled to arrive here. I tried finding him a home, but with all the refugees a little cat wasn't high on anyone's list." He cuddled the tabby closer to his chest. "He didn't have anywhere else to go, Gina. And you can't blame him for what Udina did! I mean, look at him! Look at that little face!"

The little cat stared at her and happily blinked its luminous yellow eyes as Kaidan scratched it under the chin. Its purr, a low soothing rumbling sound, reached her ears, and Shepard smiled against her will. She reached out and touched it, running her hand along its fur. It was warm and soft, and it hummed happily under her hand.

"Dammit Kaidan, I can't have a cat on board. I have a hamster. Cats eat hamsters." She scratched behind its ears and stifled the cute little sound that tried to crawl out of her throat when it bumped its head against her hand.

_It was so cute!_

Kaidan caught her hand and curled his fingers around hers. "Nero can stay on the lower decks," he said persuasively. "I'll keep him away from your hamster, I promise."

Her resolve weakened as Kaidan smiled and a tingle of awareness passed through her body. He was far too handsome for his own good, and far too attractive when he was holding a small fluffy animal. A faint blush crept up her cheeks, and Gina fought hard to keep her eyes on his face.

"Fine," she agreed reluctantly. "You can keep him. But make sure the crew known to keep him out of my loft."

Kaidan's smile widened into a dazzling grin and he stepped forward, giving her a quick kiss on her cheek. "Thank you."

His lips were warm, and the scrape of his stubbly chin against her skin sent prickles racing down her spine. Her heart jolted in her chest and began to pump harder, blood thundering through her veins and as she struggled to compose herself. His biotics pushed against her body, and she flared slightly in return, her power answering to his as though greeting an old friend.

With a huge effort of will she managed to step away, and swallowed hard. "So," she fumbled for a topic of discussion, her body still buzzing from the feel of his mouth against her skin. "Aside from smuggling a cat on board, are you up to anything else I should know about?"

Kaidan chuckled, and the sound sent her body into overdrive again as heat pooled in her belly. "Nope, I'm squeaky clean."

"Good." She gave herself a small shake and ignored the ache between her thighs as she wandered to the window and watched the stars.

For a time, after she'd been brought back by Cerberus, she'd struggled to look into the void of space without having flashbacks to being spaced. Kelly had helped her work through her issues and thankfully she could now appreciate the beauty of the stars, and the play of light and colour on the velvety black. Space was beautiful and though she felt lame for even thinking it, she was glad that she had the chance to share that beauty with Kaidan.

Back on the SR1 they'd watched the stars together for hours at a time.

Kaidan joined her by the window and leaned one shoulder against it as he continued stroking Nero. "Have you heard from your mother since this all began?" He watched her carefully, his face half in shadow.

"No." Almost immediately her stomach knotted up as she thought of her mother and where she might be. "Nothing since the reaper attack on the Earth" Shepard reached across and scratched the cats head again - the touch of his fur was oddly relaxing and it helped ease the tension in her body. "I've sent her some messages and let her know I'm okay, but I haven't heard anything back yet."

"I'm sure she's fine," Kaidan reassured her, ever the optimist. "She's your mother; she knows how to survive."

"Yeah," She managed a small smile as Hannah Shepard's determined face flashed through her mind. "You're right. What about you? Any word of your family?"

Kaidan stilled and swallowed as he looked out on the starry horizon, his face carefully blank. "My parents left Vancouver the day of the attack and took a shuttle out to the family orchard in the country. But," he trailed off and Nero butted his head against his hand, mewling softly. Kaidan quickly scratched behind his ears. "My dad went back to Vancouver and reported for active duty. Mom hasn't heard from him since; he's MIA." He rested his forehead against the glass and heaved a sigh.

Gina's heart contracted painfully as he hid his face from her. "Communications are pretty disrupted at the moment," she told him. "I'm sure he'll turn up, you just need to stay strong."

He nodded and she moved to him, drawn like a moth to the flame. She placed a hand on his shoulder and with a small sound he let Nero jump to the ground and turned into her arms. Kaidan engulfed her, wrapping his arms tightly around her waist and holding on as though she was the last solid thing in his world. He buried his face in her neck, breathing in her scent, and she curled herself around him in return, holding him so tightly her muscles shook. There weren't any tears, but she could tell he was hurting; the pain rolled off him in biotic waves, burning and searing against her skin.

Kaidan was close with his father, far closer than she was with either of her parents. He'd spoken of him fondly on the SRI; how his father had helped him to move on from what happened at Brain Camp, and how he'd always supported him. His father had been so proud when he'd enlisted in the Alliance, and had travelled to Arcturus Station after they defeated Saren – just to congratulate him face to face on his promotion.

They weren't just father and son; they were friends.

Kaidan's arms loosened and with an embarrassed look he pulled away, his tawny eyes searching hers as he gazed down into her face. "Thank you. With everything going on I haven't really had time to talk about any of this. I'm sorry to drop it all on you."

She shrugged and smiled. "My shoulders are broad. You can talk to me any time."

He reached a hand up and traced her face, his feathery light touch sending tingles arcing across her skin. "It's not just that. Despite everything that's happened between us and happened to you, you're still here for me. It means a lot."

"I'll always be here for you." Shepard couldn't stop the dopey smile that crept across her face as her heart swelled. "You know how I feel."

His mouth quirked, and he stepped close to her again, the heat from his body scorching. "How _do_ you feel?"

The air thickened and stilled around them, and a buzzing filled her ears as he watched her. Every trace of pain and sadness was gone from his face, instead his look sizzled as his gazed fastened on hers. Shepard swallowed, her tongue glued to the roof of her mouth as her heart contracted painfully in her chest. She stared up at him helplessly; lost in his eyes.

They'd been back together for such a short time, and they weren't even really a couple at the moment. Admitting that they cared for each other was one thing, but taking that next step and getting involved with each other again was something else. And while they'd had a coffee together and shared a late night kiss, that didn't make this a relationship. Was that what Kaidan was going for right now? Was he probing to see how deep her feelings ran?

Hope surged through her and she relaxed; whatever this was about, Kaidan wouldn't hurt her. It was too soon to confess that she was still head over heels in love with him, but she wasn't going to let this opportunity pass her by. She'd lost him once when she died, and again on Horizon when she let him walk away without explaining herself. This time would be different. She'd move slow, tease him, romance him, and make sure that Kaidan Alenko was every bit as in love with her as she was with him.

_Then_ she'd tell him how she felt.

"Major," she drawled. "Are you flirting with me?"

He didn't miss a beat as his smirk widened. "You can't tell? I _must_ be out of practice."

_His voice, oh God, his voice_ , she thought as the low male purr rubbed along her body as though it had a form of its own. She barely suppressed the shiver of arousal as his eyes flicked down to her mouth and back up again. Was he going to kiss her? The thought made her light-headed, and she swayed ever so slightly.

_Too much_ , she told herself sternly, fighting for control. _Too much, too soon._

"Well." Gina made herself step back, to put the distance between them again so she could keep a clear head. "Any time you want to practice, you're more than welcome to practice on me."

Kaidan chuckled and she went weak at the knees again. "There's no one else for me, Gina. You should know that by now."

Their eyes met, and under all the teasing and flirting, she saw something serious and intense in his eyes. He meant it. It hit her like a punch to the stomach, and she smiled before she could stop herself, an automatic reaction to the gorgeous light in his eyes.

"Right back at you Kaidan." Shepard reached down to give Nero a pat and then turned to leave. She paused by the door and glanced back at him; he was framed against the window; a silhouette surrounded by stars. He looked beautiful, and she gathered her courage, ignored the nervous voice in her head that urged caution, and grinned at him. "And just so you know, you're the only one for me too."

She vanished out the door before he could reply, her heart pounding as adrenaline surged through her body; she really was hopeless at flirting, but for Kaidan she was willing to try!

  
  
**Art by ladyhawk76 on Deviant Art**

* * *

**A/N - Silly Gina! She left her books behind!**


	24. Chapter 24

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N - Apologies on the delay with this chapter. I had a terrible week as my kitty cat Khan passed away. Khan was the inspiration for Nero and was my constant writing buddy. It's been hard trying to write without him by my side. So I'm dedicating this chapter to his memory - I miss you buddy but I'm glad you're out of pain.**

* * *

 

 

  
 

**Art of Kaidan and Nero by Choco-Minto**

 

Kaidan finished unpacking his few belongings and stood up to stretch. He glanced around and took in his makeshift accommodations; the new Normandy was much bigger than he remembered, and his room here was larger than his entire apartment on Arcturus had been. Getting his bearings and settling in would take some time, but he was looking forward to catching up with old friends and meeting the new crew.

Though ... how many of his old friends would want to catch up with _him_? The look of betrayal on Garrus' and Liara's faces during the coup flashed through his mind, and his gut twisted as he wondered what they'd say to him. He still counted them as friends, but in their position he'd have felt horribly betrayed – which was why they were the people he wanted to speak to first. He needed to chat to them and, if needed, clear the air and explain himself.

Some of the other crew members he already knew; Lieutenant Vega he'd met briefly on the Mars mission, Chakwas and Adams he hadn't seen since the SR-1 days, and then there was Joker, who he'd kept in touch with over the years. But most of the other crew were a mystery to him. The majority of them had been assigned to the Normandy's retrofit and were here due to circumstance and timing; like the chirpy brunette in the CIC who had greeted him warmly and the pilot with the piercing blue eyes who he'd bumped into in earlier.

So far everyone had been friendly, _except_ ... Kaidan shivered; the only moment he'd been uncertain of his welcome was when he encountered EDI, the Normandy's AI, in Dr. Eva's body. His skin crawled and a chill ran through him; he'd thrown up a barrier as soon as he'd seen her, and had come close to throwing her across the room before she spoke up and explained herself. Kaidan made a mental note to talk to Shepard about it, and let her know that a little warning that EDI was joyriding around in Eva's body would have been nice.

His stomach gurgled loudly and he glanced at the time on his omni-tool; it was near enough to lunch to consider eating, but first he wanted to explore the ship and get his bearings. Kaidan glanced around for his BDU jacket and found it on the lounge with Nero curled up and fast asleep on it. He carefully relocated the cat and slipped the jacket on; brushing a few ginger hairs away. Nero was a hairy little beast, but he was also cute and it was obvious that Gina was smitten with him.

Kaidan grinned as he remembered the way she'd scratched and petted him as they'd talked earlier. Whatever she thought about Udina, it was clear that she liked his cat, and the little critter had been an excellent ice breaker between them. Especially after the way they'd been flirting on the Citadel prior to the coup. The memory of their kiss seared through his mind - the taste of her mouth and the feel of her skin under his fingertips - and his body clenched with need.

He tightened a hand into a fist and took a deep steady breath; he'd come so close to screwing things up for them again, and all because of Udina - a man who had turned out to be everything Kaidan hated. He shook his head to clear himself of all thoughts of Udina, and with a final look around his room, he set off.

The ship was much bigger than the SR-1 and Kaidan decided to explore the crew level first since this was where he would be spending most of his time. Aside from his room, there were bathrooms, crew quarters, an empty room dedicated to life support and another observatory lounge that was complete with a bar, poker table and comfortable sofas. Kaidan spent some time poking around the room in amusement; it was clear that Cerberus had splashed out on small luxuries that the Alliance would never have considered. But he for one was glad - down time and shore leave would be rare during this war, so amusement for the crew would be important.

He closed the door and continued exploring. He knew Liara had set up in the XO's cabin with all of her Shadow Broker equipment, and that Garrus was bunking down in the Main Battery, but Liara's door was locked and Garrus was missing when he looked for him. Kaidan bypassed the medbay as Chakwas was inside with a patient, and instead looked the mess over. It was big enough to seat more people than the Normandy had on board, and the kitchen was well stocked with rations.

Disappointingly, he noticed that there was little fresh food, and Kaidan made a mental note to get in some real provisions when they next stopped to resupply. They may not have a cook on board, but that didn't mean that he couldn't prepare real meals for himself while he was here. God knew he needed proper food to fuel his biotics, and no doubt Shepard and Liara would appreciate getting some real food into them too.

"Kaidan, long time no see." Garrus' deep duel-toned voice broke through his thoughts, and he turned around to greet his old friend." Good to have you back on board." The turian extended his hand and Kaidan shook it, surprised since few turians embraced physical greetings like handshakes.

"It's good to be on the Normandy again," he confessed with a smile. "After what happened with Udina and the coup I was worried Shepard might not want me back."

He winced as soon as the words were out of his mouth and would have given anything to cram them back in; it sounded too personal and gave away too much of what he was feeling. Thankfully Garrus didn't seem to notice as he gathered up a tray of rations and moved to sit at the table. Kaidan followed and joined him, carefully noting that the dextro rations were packaged in a different coloured wrapping and clearly labelled with a warning sticker. He opened up a regular ration bar and chewed a mouthful, making a face at the tasteless dry food that greeted him.

Garrus slipped off his gloves and carefully unwrapped his own bar with his sharp talons. "Oh, I think Shepard would have taken you back regardless." His pale eyes flicked up and his mandibles twitched. "She's always had a soft spot for you."

Kaidan frowned slightly, there was a tone in Garrus' voice which he couldn't quite place.

"I can imagine it hardened considerably after Horizon," he fished. "I wasn't there for her like you were."

The turian laughed softly. "You had a life and a job, I didn't have either of those things when Shepard found me on Omega. Hell, if she hadn't come along and recruited me I'd have been dead; I owed her. Things weren't so easy for you, and even though it hurt her I think she knew that."

Kaidan blinked in surprise, of all the things he'd expected Garrus to say, this wasn't it. He'd expected a lecture about abandoning her, or maybe disapproval after drawing his gun on them during the coup attempt. Instead, Garrus seemed to be remarkably level headed about the entire thing.

He took another bite of his bar. "So what were you doing on Omega when Shepard found you?"

Garrus shrugged. "There was a lot of petty crime and corruption, so I took a leaf out of Shepard's book and started cleaning up the streets."

"How'd that work out for you?"

He laughed bitterly and he tapped the scarred side of his face. "It turned out about _this_ well. Let's just say that when I say _I'd have been dead without Shepard_ , I mean it."

"Jesus." Kaidan's gaze traced the thick mass of scars covering one side of his face and neck, and he winced in sympathy. "What happened?"

"Gunship rocket to the face."

He said it as though it wasn't a big deal, but something in the way his eyes locked onto Kaidan's gaze let him know that this wasn't a small thing to him at all. His loyalty to Shepard went deep; she'd saved his life on Omega. That much Kaidan was certain about.

"Shit." His shock must have showed on his face as Garrus leaned back in his chair looking pleased.

"It looks worse than it was. Shepard got me out, and I've been told that women dig scars."

Kaidan laughed. "So they say." Silence fell as he ate another bite and Garrus sipped at a green sludge-like drink. Eventually he spoke again, though he kept his gaze on his food. "I missed a lot by walking away on Horizon, didn't I?"

Garrus nodded solemnly. "Yeah, you did."

"Was she hurt badly?" He hated himself for asking, especially since he already knew the answer.

"Of course she was." The turian answered matter-of-factly. "You broke her heart."

Kaidan's own heart squeezed painfully at the words, but he made himself nod calmly. "I didn't mean to, but she'd been gone so long … "

Garrus interrupted him gently. "I know. She knows. We all know. Don't beat yourself up about the past." He set his drink down and looked him straight in the eye. "If anything, I think Shepard was angry that you got the wrong idea about her and that she couldn't put it right. She was in a tough spot, you know."

"I know." Kaidan nodded. "The Alliance wasn't doing enough and Cerberus saved her life and gave her the resources she needed." The words caused an ache in his chest, and he swallowed it down before he could start berating himself for walking away.

"It was more than that." Garrus finished his ration bar, crumpled up the wrapper and set it aside. "She lost two years of her life. _Two years_. When she woke up she didn't know where she was or what year it was. I can't even imagine what that was like. She was reliant on Cerberus for everything, and they made sure to take full advantage of her confusion."

"They manipulated her?"

He nodded. "It seemed that way, but what else could she do? There was no third option – it was work with Cerberus and stop the Collectors or it was walk away, re-join the Alliance and let it all go to hell."

"Shepard doesn't know how to walk away." Kaidan pushed his tray away and sighed.

Garrus watched him through cool blue eyes. "No, she doesn't. So just remember that the next time you start to think ill of her for working with Cerberus."

The words were unexpected and Kaidan nervously ran a hand through his hair. "Pep-talk received loud and clear."

"Good, because Shepard likes you and I don't want her getting hurt again if you're going to start doubting her at every turn."

Kaidan opened his mouth to reply when the door to the Executive Officer's cabin opened and Liara wandered out. She saw them at the table and something flashed through her eyes – it was gone before Kaidan could really register what it was, but it gave him the shivers. Her gaze flicked between them as she approached and a warm smile settled over her face like a mask.

"Kaidan." She extended a long fine-boned hand and clasped his shoulder. "It's good to see you up and about again."

"Thanks Liara." He returned her smile warmly. "It's good to be back."

Her smile didn't quite seem to reach her eyes as she looked down at him. "Yes, I can imagine you were _very_ eager to join the crew again."

"I was." Kaidan kept the smile on his face, but it dimmed at the edges. Something about the way Liara was speaking to him felt very forced, as though she were holding something in.

Garrus made a low hum and gestured at the table. "Care to join us for a bite to eat?"

She nodded. "Yes, I'd like that. A chance to catch up would be nice."

Liara walked into the kitchen and gathered up a tray of rations, pickily switching packages around from other trays until she had the food she wanted. When she looked up and saw them watching her she flushed lilac and quickly sat down.

"Getting harder to find something to your tastes, Liara?" Garrus joked lightly, nudging her tray with his talons. "Or are you always this fussy?"

Her lips twisted and she moved her tray slightly to the side so he was no longer touching it. "Some of the human rations aren't quite to my tastes. I've only found a few flavours which I can stomach."

"You're not alone." Kaidan chuckled and showed her his half-eaten bar. "Even us humans can barely stand some of what they dish out."

Garrus rumbled as he laughed. "Nice to know that your rations taste as bad as our do."

She smiled slightly at that and opened up her bar, nibbling politely as she switched her gaze back to Kaidan. "So, what made you decide to come back to the Normandy? You're a Spectre now, you could have gone anywhere and done anything."

He shrugged and tried to ignore the image of Gina which instantly flashed through his mind. "The Normandy is at the forefront of the fight against the Reapers, I figured here was where I could be the most help."

It was a half-truth at best. He did want to be of use during the war, but he also wanted to be close to Shepard again. The desire to be with her was embedded deep within him; every time he saw her it was hard to keep his pulse down and stop his biotics from spiking. It was getting harder to control himself now that he knew she was interested in him too, and he knew that sooner or later the entire crew would know how he felt.

But until it became public knowledge he didn't intend to volunteer the information.

"Really?" Liara tilted her head to the side and smiled faintly. "I'm surprised you didn't take Admiral Hackett's offer to join the Fifth Fleet. That would have been a prestigious position."

Kaidan frowned. "Shepard told you about that?"

Her mouth opened and then closed, and she blushed again. "I, uh, may have stumbled across the information in my capacity as the Shadow Broker."

_The Shadow Broker_.

He prickled at the thought of Liara going through his personal information, extranet account or data files, and he struggled not to show his annoyance as he answered, "Well, it was a great offer, but not for me. I'd rather be here at the centre of things on the Normandy, plus I'm sure Shepard could use the help of another Spectre."

"I'm sure you'll be very helpful." Liara finished her bar and neatly folded the empty wrapper into quarters. "Now, if you'll excuse me I have to go and find Shepard to update her on a few things."

She pushed her chair in, returned her tray to the kitchen and walked away quickly, her heels clicking on the floor. Kaidan watched her go, fighting off the urge to frown; he had a tight unshakable feeling that Liara wasn't happy with him being here. After what she'd said to him on Mars he could understand why she might not be thrilled about it, but he had no intention of letting his fears and doubts about Shepard get the better of him again.

Garrus sighed and Kaidan glanced at him. "Is everything okay with Liara?

"I hope so, but she's very protective of Shepard and I think she's worried about you being back on board."

Kaidan nodded slowly. "She mentioned something on Mars about wanting me to leave Shepard alone as I'd hurt her enough, but I'm sure she'll be fine once she realises I'm not here to make trouble. Believe me, hurting Shepard is the last thing I want to do."

The turian flicked his mandibles into a grin. "Oh, I believe you." He laughed and stood up, then picked up both his and Kaidan's tray to return them to the mess. "It's pretty obvious to anyone who sees the way you look at Shepard that you're not going to hurt her."

"You've only seen us together on the Citadel during the coup, and I had a gun aimed at her at the time." Kaidan rolled his eyes and stood up. "Unless you've been following us around when we met up on the Citadel."

"No, I was talking about the coup." Garrus dropped their trays into the disposal chute and turned around, his expression appraising as he looked him up and down. "If I'd have thought for a minute that you'd have hurt Shepard, I wouldn't have hesitated to shoot you. But I saw in your face how much you care for her."

"Well, thanks." Kaidan managed to grin when Garrus looked confused. "For not shooting me."

He snorted. "Yeah well, Shepard would have been pretty pissed if I had." Garrus started walking away but paused to glance back over his shoulder. "After all, she was looking at you with that same look on _her_ face."

The human spectre couldn't stop the stupid grin that broke over his face as he watched the turian stride away. It was one thing for _him_ to know that Shepard felt something for him, but it was another thing to know that others had noticed too. It felt good.

It felt _damned_ good.

* * *

**A/N - I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. Thank you to everyone for being so patient while waiting for me to get this out. I really appreciated your reviews and thoughts - they really cheered me up last week. *hugs***

 


	25. Chapter 25

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – Thank you so much for the feedback on the last chapter! I really appreciate every single person who reads and follows my stories, and I love hearing your thoughts after each chapter - so thank you very much for sharing them with me! ^_^ I hope you enjoy this chapter**

* * *

Shepard shoved the last of the high energy protein bar into her mouth, chewed hurriedly and swallowed. She winced as it stuck to her throat on the way down and gulped some water, screwing up her face at the metallic taste. The ration bars were disgusting but there was little else to eat on the ship, and there certainly wasn't anything as convenient to wolf down before a mission.

Beside her, Garrus was thoughtfully chewing on a chunk of his dextro-bar, deep in thought as he contemplated a scrolling list of code on his omni-tool. For the first time that she could remember, Garrus was out of his armour and was sitting in a simple shirt and pants - his armour had been damaged during the Citadel coup and was still being repaired. The turian had been less than pleased to discover the extent of the damage done to it, and even unhappier when he realised it meant sitting on the sideline for the next few missions.

They'd spent the day travelling to Grissom Academy and Shepard could tell that Garrus was just as on edge as she was; the thought of what Cerberus was doing at a school for human biotics was chilling.

Especially after what they'd done to Jack as a child.

"What have you got there, Vakarian?" she asked to distract herself, and craned her neck to look at the display. "Calibrating something?"

He shrugged and kept his gaze on the steadily rolling numbers. "Something like that. I'm trying to work out a way to make Overloads more efficient so they take out a greater percentage of enemy shields and keep them down longer."

"That sounds useful."

"It will be if I can get it working. The reapers were bad enough for me to start looking into upgrades, but I figure if we keep running into Cerberus too then we'll need every technological edge we can get." He sighed as the numbers abruptly flashed red and his omni-tool made a bleeping sound. With a flick of his wrist he closed the display and looked up at her. "But not today it seems. I'll keep working on it."

"Thanks Garrus." Gina ran a hand through her hair and sighed; _as if the Alliance didn't have enough problems already_! She thought of the trouble that Cerberus had already caused them and tension sang through her body. "After what happened on Mars and the Citadel? Yeah, we'll need every edge we can get … ."

"Special delivery."

She broke off as James plonked himself down next to her and set Nero on the table. The cat blinked at them several times before yawning widely as if to indicate that neither of them were worthy of its time. Instead he padded towards Garrus who had frozen and was staring at the little predator with his mouth open. His blue eyes watched the cat's movements as he sauntered towards him, completely unphased by the turians intimidating appearance.

Gina reached out and stroked Nero's back as he stalked by her. "What's with Nero?" she asked James.

The lieutenant grinned. "I found him in the shuttle bay harassing the mechdog-thing and thought Alenko might like him back." He opened a ration bar as he spoke and bit off a chunk, talking around his mouthful as he chewed. "I don't know how he got down there, but Cortez is worried he's going to sneak aboard the shuttle and escape onto a planet and we'll never see him again … ." James let his words drift off as Gina lay a hand on his arm and nodded at the turian.

Garrus had frozen, his body completely motionless as Nero wandered up and scented his talons, rubbing his whiskery little face on the razor-sharp edges. The cat paused and yawned again, exposing a row of sharp teeth, and then padded forward and climbed into Garrus' lap. The turian made a small trilling sound that Shepard thought might have been alarm and stared at her with wide eyes.

"What is it?" he asked in a strangled voice. "And why is it on me?"

Gina exchanged a look with James and grinned. "You haven't met Nero yet?"

"Nero?" Garrus looked down at the cat and shook his head. "Where did it come from?" He held his hands out either side of it, as though unsure if he should brush it off him or start to pet it.

"He's an animal called a cat. We keep them as pets on Earth. Nero here belonged to Udina, but he's Kaidan's know. He's perfectly safe." Gina added when Garrus continued to stare at the cat in what looked like terror. "You can pet him." Her smile stretched wider as Nero began to knead his paws on Garrus' lap and the turian made another sound of alarm. "He likes you!"

The turian looked at her wildly and shook his head. "It's stabbing me!"

"No he's not, he's making your lap all comfy so he can go to sleep." James was clearly struggling keep a straight face as Garrus shot him a look of fear. "Just stroke him."

Garrus looked from James to her, and then hesitantly reached a hand down and stroked the cat. His eyes widened in surprise and he buried his hand in the fur. "It's so soft!" he exclaimed in surprise. "We don't have anything like this on Palaven." Nero began to purr, a loud rumbling throbbing sound, and Garrus froze again. "It's growling! Should I stop?"

Gina chuckled before she could stop herself. "That's called a purr. It means he likes you."

"Oh." He looked acutely embarrassed. "I thought I made it mad."

"Nah, James is right – he likes you." She gathered up her rubbish and stood as Garrus made a low crooning sound to the cat and continued to stroke his fur. She nudged James and gestured towards to lifts. "Come on, we need to get suited up and ready."

James nodded, took one last look at the turian and the cat, and vaulted to his feet. "You really think Cerberus is up to something at Grissom? I mean, it's a school. Even Cerberus wouldn't mess with kids would they?"

She shrugged and led the way to the elevator. "The last time we encountered this particular turian signal it was a trap set by the Illusive Man. I'm not sure what we'll find at the academy, but if Cerberus is there then it won't be good. I've seen what Cerberus scientists are capable of doing to children when they're given free rein and, if I'm honest, I'm worried about what they want with kids."

They caught the lift down and met Kaidan in the shuttle bay. The Major was leaning against a console and chatting to Cortez, his handsome face open and friendly as they discussed procuring rations. Gina tried not to stare at him as she and James strode past, but it was hard when he laughed at something Cortez said the timbre of his laugh sent shivers down her spine.

He was far too distracting and far too sexy for his own good, especially after his comment on the Citadel about them both being Spectres so the regs wouldn't apply. She knew they needed to take things slowly and not rush back into a relationship, but she'd been lonely for so long now. Kaidan had always been able to get to her in a way that other men couldn't; he made he feel intensely alive whenever he touched her.

He laughed again and her heart skipped a beat.

_Eyes straight ahead, Shepard!_ She told herself grimly as they moved to the armoury and began suiting up. She'd stripped down to her underwear and was pulling her under armour on when Kaidan joined them, his biotics announcing his presence in a tingling wave against her skin. Her hands trembled and fumbled at her clasps and she wondered if he was doing it on purpose or if Kaidan really didn't know how much stronger his biotics were.

She let out a slow breath and tried to focus as Kaidan began to strip in her periphery, but it was exceptionally difficult to ignore him. She could hear every move he made; the rustle of fabric, the snap of buckles and the soft metal scrape of buttons.

Intimate sounds.

Her fingers became fat and graceless as she tried to fasten her under armour, and she shot James a nasty look when he noticed her trouble and snickered. He grinned unapologetically and finished fastening his chest plate, then walked out whistling a tune without a care in the world. She watched him go and as she turned back she caught a glimpse of Kaidan, shirtless and half-dressed his armour. Shepard froze. Her eyes fastened on his back muscles as he finished fastening the bottom half of his under armour and straightened.

Without meaning to she made a small sound and Kaidan turned and looked straight at her.

Gina's face burst into flames and red heat engulfed her as he raised an eyebrow and ran his eyes over her own figure. The under armour lovingly outlined every curve of her body, hiding nothing, and without warning he turned and came towards her. Gina's pulse sped up, thundering loudly in her ears and she frantically scrambled for an excuse, _any excuse_ , to explain why she'd been staring at him.

"You're not done up properly," Kaidan told her as he paused and gestured at her chest. She looked down and saw that one of her buckle straps was twisted. "May I?" He reached a hand forward and hesitated, waiting for her response.

_Tell him no!_ A voice shrieked inside of her. _Tell him that you didn't mean to stare at him!_

But her mouth moved of its own accord; "Okay," she said.

Gina wondered if she sounded as breathless as she felt as Kaidan reached forward and unsnapped the buckle. His biotics thrummed against hers and she stared at his chest, willing her heart to slow down as she concentrated on drawing one breath of air after the other. She wanted to reach out and touch that expanse of skin and see if the muscles were as firm packed as they looked. Hell, she wanted to wrap herself around Kaidan and have that warm muscled body pressed against hers.

It was almost pathetic how much she wanted him, and even worse was that she _knew_ that Kaidan was aware of how much he affected her. Of all the men she'd taken as lovers over the years, he'd always been the most attuned to her reaction to him. It made things in the bedroom thrilling because they were compatible on so many levels, but right now it was just embarrassing.

The warmth of his energy pulsed against her as he straightened the strap and reclipped it into place. She made herself look up into his face, certain he would be watching her with a smirk, but to her surprise Kaidan was blushing. Gina blinked as she realised that his hands were trembling and the pulse she could see in his neck was beating faster than normal. He met her eyes and they both grinned sheepishly as he stepped back.

Shepard smiled, both embarrassed and pleased that she'd managed to fluster him too. "Thanks."

"Oh I'm happy to help you with your straps and buckles any day." Kaidan's voice was slightly rougher and more masculine than normal, and something pulled tight in Gina's stomach at the mention of _buckles and straps_. "All you have to do is ask."

He moved back to his side of the room and resumed dressing, pulling his shirt on with unsteady fingers. She grinned. "I'll keep that in mind."

_Evidently she wasn't the only one feeling fumble-fingered._

Her armour plating clipped on easily and Gina turned and glanced at Kaidan as he finished up; even from this distance she could feel his power dancing along the edge of hers. It wasn't overwhelming, but it hummed in the air like a living perfume. _What would it be like when they made love again?_ She wondered idly as she booted up her armour's AI. _Would his power run through her like an electric current? Would it engulf her like a cloud?_ Gina shivered and chased the thoughts from her mind; now was not the time to get distracted!

No matter how much she missed him, Kaidan was here because she needed his power and expertise in the fight against the reapers - _not_ so she could jump his bones.

"You two done in here?" James' bulk filled the doorway as he peered in. His eyes danced with amusement as he realised his commanding officer was watching the Major. "Or am I interrupting something?"

Gina rolled her eyes. "We're good, Lieutenant. I'm just waiting for Major Alenko."

"Good to hear, because we've arrived and Esteban is eager to get going." The giant-sized marine jerked his head in the direction of the shuttle. "We've picked up a distress call on one of the local COM-bands. EDI is trying to patch us in now."

She left Kaidan to clip his gauntlets into place and hurried after James to the weapons bench. "Cerberus?"

He nodded. "Yeah, it's what you thought; Grissom is crawling with Cerberus ships."

"Shit."

Kaidan caught up with them as they collected their weapons and Gina did her best to keep her mind out of the gutter as she stowed her shotgun and pistol. Once on board the shuttle Joker updated them on Cerberus' presence and patched through a relieved sounding Grissom employee called Kaylee Sanders. She explained that Cerberus _was_ after the students and begged them for an immediate evacuation.

"We'll do everything we can to get you and your kids off the station, Ms Sanders," Gina reassured her. "Just hang tight and make sure you don't get yourself caught."

The shuttle eased its way out of the Normandy's shuttle bay and she narrowed her eyes at the swarms of Cerberus ships surrounding Grissom; there was no way they'd be able to sneak past them.

"Joker?" she asked.

" _Yes, Commander?"_

"There's a few too many ships out there. Think you can provide a distraction for us?"

The pilot chuckled over the com. _"Yes ma'am."_

"Good. Do it."

The Normandy broke away from them and accelerated. She watched as the ship executed a graceful mid-air turn and then swooped straight at a platoon of fighters. The Normandy cut through them like a battering ram, scattering several of the smaller ships before they regrouped and dove after the Normandy, vanishing into the darkness of space.

Gina nodded at Cortez. "Take us in, Cortez. But drop us off and get out of there. There's too many ships nearby for me to risk you waiting for us."

The pilot nodded as the shuttle zoomed towards the Academy. "Aye aye, Commander."

She left him and joined Kaidan and James in the back of the shuttle. "Cortez is going to do a flyby and drop us off."

"Grissom's too hot?" Kaidan asked as he got to his feet and readied his assault rifle. He switched his ammo to cryo-rounds and fiddled with the scope.

Gina nodded. "Yeah. Cerberus wants this place bad."

She and Kaidan exchanged a troubled glance as he sighed. "We have to get those kids out of there."

"Agreed."

James frowned at them both. "I don't get it, why would Cerberus want kids?"

"Grissom is, first and foremost, an academy for biotics," Kaidan explained. "Some of the students who go there are _very_ talented and Grissom has been testing advanced biotic tech on them. They're probably after that tech as much as the kids."

"Like your implant?" Gina asked and pointed to her own port. "You said it was experimental?"

He nodded. "Yeah. The kids at Grissom are good and with this tech they're going to be amazing. Not on our level mind you, but with training and practice they're going to be some of the best the Alliance has." Kaidan caught her surprised look and he shrugged. "I _was_ training a biotic Spec Ops team. We recruited heavily from Grissom graduates."

The lieutenant nodded, understanding dawning on him. "So Cerberus wants these kids because they're talented biotics?"

"Yeah." Gina slammed a thermal clip into her handgun and ignored the icy trickle that slid down her spine. "But that doesn't tell us what they're going to do with them once they have them. That's what worrying me."

"Me too." Kaidan rubbed the back of his hand across his forehead in a familiar gesture that made Gina's chest tighten. "The human race has a history of abusing biotics for their potential."

He met his eyes and a silent moment of understanding passed between them.

Gina blinked and broke eye contact as the shuttle touched down and the hatch light flashed from red to green, indicating the docking bay was pressurised and breathable. She took a deep breath and prayed they weren't too late to help these kids. "Okay, we go in and find this Sanders woman and do what we can to help. Our priority is making sure Cerberus doesn't get off this station with any children. Tech is secondary. Are we clear on that?" The men gave her an affirmative and she turned to the door. "Let's move out."

* * *

**A/N - Next chapter Jack and Kaidan - _two biotics teachers_ \- come face to face! This should be very interesting! I hope you enjoyed this chapter! :)**


	26. Chapter 26

_Disclaimer: I do not own Mas Effect_

**A/N - This is the longest I've ever gone with an update, and I'm so sorry about that! My life got frantically busy and I didn't have a great deal of time free. But things will hopefully be a little calmer for the next few weeks. Thank you so much to everyone who left me comments and feedback on the last chapter - it meant a lot to me. I really hope everyone enjoys my Grissom chapter - I always wanted to take Kaidan along on this one. Expect me to diverge from canon in the next few chapters! :) Enjoy!**

* * *

Grissom Academy was everything BAaT had promised to be and everything it wasn't. The long sweeping hallways were beautifully designed to make students feel relaxed; airy and open instead of militant and oppressive. Kaidan tried to stay focused on the Cerberus troops, but time and again his attention was sidetracked by the training rooms and facilities for the biotic students; combat simulators, vanguard training rooms with Charge targets, and even rooms with weighted items for them to Lift and Throw.

It was incredible.

Here was a place where biotics were treasured and nurtured; where they were encouraged to explore their gifts and push themselves to the limits in their own time. As they fought their way through one patrol after another of Cerberus troops, he couldn't help but wonder what life might have been like for him if he'd been able to attend something like this as a child. What if BAaT had been a proper school instead of a tightly controlled military camp?

How _different_ would his life had been?

He watched from cover as Gina took out a Cerberus engineer with a Charge and shivered as the biotic shockwave crashed over his skin in a tingling rush. How different would her life have been, he wondered. Unlike him, Gina had received private training by an asari tutor. She'd never been subjected to the horrors of BAaT, but she also hadn't received the benefit of attending school with friends. Her childhood had been lonely as she'd followed her mother from ship to ship, never staying in one place long enough to make friends.

An engineer crept down the hall towards them with a turret ready for deployment, and Kaidan snapped back to earth and caught the man with a Cryo Blast that froze him solid. He dispatched him with his rifle while Gina caught a heavily armoured trooper with a Slam and sent him careening into a wall with a sickening crunch of armour on stone. James finished him off with burst from his assault rifle and then swept the area for any lingering troops.

"All clear," the lieutenant confirmed when he finished his sweep.

Shepard nodded and led the way across the room where a Grissom student huddled behind some rubble. The troopers had been trying to drag her away when they'd come across them and a fight had ensued. He hoped the girl was okay - some of the shots had come perilously close to hitting her.

She lay curled into a ball, rocking back and forth as she clutched at her midsection. Kaidan's heart broke at the whimpering sounds she made as he knelt beside her and activated his omni-tool's medical program.

"Hey there." He tried to sound friendly and reassuring as he helped her to sit up. She watched him with wide eyes, her skin pale with shock. "What's your name?" he asked quietly.

"Seanne." It was barely a whisper.

"Hi Seanne. I'm Major Alenko. I'm just going to do a quick scan and make sure you're okay, and then I'm going to give you some medigel, okay?" He was grateful when Gina hunkered down next to them and gave the girl a reassuring smile.

She nodded. "Okay."

He scanned her and frowned at the results; she'd been badly beaten and had internal bleeding which needed a doctor's attention. Medigel would help in the meantime, he decided. As well as that, she had a puncture to one side of her abdominal muscles which was bleeding badly. He administered the medigel and then gestured for Gina to join him to one side.

"Bad?" She guessed, her voice a low murmur as she glanced over at the injured girl. "She looks pale."

"Internal bleeding," he told her. "And that puncture wound on the side is deep. She'll make it, but we need to get her to the Normandy so Chakwas can see to her. Are we able to bring her with us?"

Gina nodded, but didn't look happy about it. "It's not ideal, but we can't leave her here for Cerberus to find."

Kaidan nodded and walked back to the injured girl. She looked brighter and the puncture wound had closed over, but he made sure she got to her feet slowly and he kept an arm around her. To his surprise, Vega took the girl off him and slid one arm about her waist. The marine took her weight easily and Kaidan stepped back, somewhat shamed; he'd assumed that the lieutenant was the kind of guy who was action hero first and protector of the people second.

"I'll take her, Major," James told him easily, aiming a charming smile at the teenage girl as she stared up at him. "I'm just a grunt and I can still shoot and throw grenades with one arm."

"Thanks," Kaidan told him, trying not to grin at the starstruck look the girl was giving the younger man.

Gina frowned at the map on her omni-tool and peered around. This part of the facility was in terrible shape; acrid smoke hung in the air, couches had been upturned and desks rifled through - their contents spilled across the floor. Cerberus hadn't just gone after the kids, they'd wrecked as much damage on the school as they could. And for what? Were they looking for students files? For biotic implants and amps? Whatever they were after, they were doing a lot of damage to the academy in the process.

"This way," she said finally and nodded towards a door on the far side of the room.

The windows were blackened and charred as though something has exploded inside the room, and with a sense of foreboding Kaidan hit the door lock. The door sparked, hissed and opened with a sharp crackle of electricity and a wave of noise washed over them as thick grey smoke billowed out. He cursed and stepped back, but the some of the pale smoke wormed its way into his nose and mouth, clinging to his tongue and throat. He coughed and fanned the air in front of him as the bitter cloying taste almost choked him.

It smelled awful, like burning plastic and singed electrics. A truly horrible smell and one he recognised; an electrical fire was burning and for whatever reason the facilities fire suppression system hadn't activated.

"Is there another way?" Kaidan had to shout to be heard over the wailing of the sirens.

Gina shook her head. "Not without backtracking." Her voice was pure steel and left no room to argue. "Breather helmets on!"

Kaidan slipped his over his head and fastened it tight, breathing a sigh of relief when the deafening noise faded. Beside him he could see James talking to the student, his mouth moving fast and his expression reassuring. The girl nodded, and the lieutenant fastened his helmet while she pulled her uniform up over her mouth.

"Will she be okay?" Kaidan asked over the comm.

James looked in his direction and inclined his head. "Should be so long as we're fast-"

"Then let's be fast," Shepard cut in as she hurried past them and vanished into the smoke. "Every second we stand around talking is a second that Cerberus could be hurting kids."

"Right." Kaidan agreed.

He followed her into the swirling white smoke and the world vanished. Disorientated, he paused and held a hand in front of his face, waggling it back and forth. The smoke was so thick he could barely see it.

"Shit," he swore, something he rarely did, but this room was more dangerous than he'd assumed. "Careful Vega, its worse in here than it looks. Whiteout conditions."

"Rodger that, Major."

Kaidan navigated his way through the room slowly and carefully, the sound of his own breathing deafeningly loud in his ears. Walking through the white smoke was eerie - anyone could have been around him and he would never have known. He moved forward another step and ran straight into a desk, grunting from the unexpected impact. Sheaths of paper, bits of tech and data pads clattered loudly to the floor as Kaidan fumbled around trying to catch them.

"What the hell was that?" Gina demanded, her voice riddled with anxiety. Not far ahead he saw the smoke glow blue as she flared, evidently expecting an ambush.

His face burned with embarrassment.

"Just me. I … walked into a desk." He cleared his throat awkwardly. "Sorry."

James chuckled and Kaidan moved on sheepishly, feeling with his feet as he took each step. Finally he saw a glow ahead of him and he quickened his pace, desperate to be out of the oppressive whitewashed world.

"I'm through," Gina told them. "Just keep moving."

Kaidan took the last few steps to the door and stepped out into the murky hallway with a sigh of relief. _Thank God!_ The smoke was drifting out, but compared to the room he'd just gone through it was clear as crystal. James hurried through the door after him with the girl held in his arms, and he set her down in a clear spot as she hacked and cough, sucking in huge gulps of clean air.

Kaidan removed his helmet and hooked it onto his hip, Gina was standing too one side, her eyes fixed on the set of double doors ahead of them.

"Is this is?" he asked, glancing at her face and then back at the doors.

She consulted her omni-tool and nodded, then looked over at James. "The message said that Cerberus had students and a teacher trapped in here, so Seanne will need to stay here. We can't have her in a firefight."

James gave an affirmative and knelt down to talk briefly to the frightened student, then he was at their sides and they moved off. Kaidan felt a little sorry for the girl being left behind, especially as she looked so scared, but taking her into combat would have been madness. She may not like it, but she'd be safe in the hallway.

The sounds of fighting, which had been muffled by the electrical fire and smoke, were growing louder and more intense as they approached the doors. Kaidan heard the sharp rattle of gun fire and then the low base throb of a singularity; and a powerful one at that. His heart began to pound and he tightened his grip on his rifle.

He looked over at Shepard and their eyes met; a tingle of awareness zipping along Kaidan's skin a she activated her biotics and charged her power. He raised an eyebrow and looked away as he activated his own barrier, their powers surging together as they walked side by side.

James moved ahead and hit the door lock, then slipped to the side and dropped back as Shepard took point. The noise from inside the room was astounding - the roar of biotics, the incessant pounding of gun fire and a cacophony of shouted of orders drowned out everything else. Gina pulled up short and Kaidan stopped and scanned the room, automatically taking out a Cerberus engineer with a burst of gunfire as he took in the scene.

A group of students and a woman, who he assumed was a teacher - though she didn't look like any teacher he'd ever seen, were in the centre of the room. A protective biotic field encircled them and the students were working as a team to shore up the Barrier while the teacher hurled impressive attacks at the Cerberus troops. The woman bellowed in fury as she used a Warp on an troop who was firing at her students, and Kaidan winced as the power of the attack sucked the man off his feet and crumpled his armour inwards, crushing him while he thrashed and screamed piteously.

"Jack?"

Kaidan flicked his gaze sideways as Gina gasped the name incredulously, the look on her face one of such pure shock that he almost grinned in amusement.

The teacher whirled to face them and her eyes goggled. "Shepard?" She both sounded and looked every bit as surprised as Gina.

The shock quickly evaporated as more troops poured in through an open door with an Atlas following close behind. Shepard cursed and spouted orders Kaidan and James, "Move out and keep them back." She looked over at Jack and the students. "Get out of here now and get to cover," she told them.

Jack nodded. "You heard her kids, let's go."

The students moved off, keeping their impressive barrier up as they ran as a team. They were frightened but Kaidan was impressed at how calm they were staying under such intense fire. Bullets whizzed past them and smacked into the barrier with small crackling _thuds_ and the teacher growled and sent a Shockwave roaring out into the Cerberus forces. The men scattered like bowling pins; hurled almost comically into the walls. Even the Atlas staggered when the attack slammed into it.

Whoever this Jack was, she had an impressive biotic ability. She was by far the most impressive biotic Kaidan had ever encountered, and he spared a moment to wonder why the hell he'd never met her before. Human biotics were few and far between, and those that worked for the Alliance tended to know each other by sight, if not by name. But this woman was a mystery.

Cerberus swarmed forward and Kaidan was forced to concentrate on taking out as many of the troops as he could. He sent out Reaves and Cryo Blasts as fast as he could generate them; ignoring the dull burning sensation emanating from his amp. There was no sharp pain or headache, so he continued to push himself hard as the troops kept coming.

Finally, it was just them and the Atlas, and he took cover as James threw out a cluster of grenades to disable its shields. The explosion rocked the courtyard and Shepard Charged forward and smashed into it, then cracked its canopy with a Nova. Kaidan was up in an instant, sighting down his gun as he looked for the trooper inside.

He spotted the pilot clamouring for his sidearm, and used an Overload on the mech's damaged electrical system. He expected to short out its system and buy enough time for Shepard to take out the pilot, but at the exact moment he used the Overload, there was a flash of orange as James sent out a Carnage.

"No, don't-" Kaidan tried to warm him but it was too late; the attacks hit the Atlas at the same time and the mech exploded in a blinding flash of heat and light. He dropped to the floor and used his barrier to ward off the searing rain of molten metal and sizzling plastics.

Silence fell, save for the faint crackle of flames from the burning wreck, and Kaidan scrambled to his feet. His eyes watered from the blinding flash and his joints ached painfully from the force with which he'd thrown himself to the ground. He forced the pain to the side and looked around, his gaze searching desperately for Shepard.

There was no sign of her.

_No no no! She has to be here!_

"Shepard?" Kaidan called, an icy lump settling in the pit of his stomach as he saw the extent of the blast. _He hadn't meant to make the damned thing explode - only the controls inside! Damn Vega!_

Though it hadn't been his fault either; not really.

The silence stretched on and Kaidan strained every muscle in his body as he listened, finally he heard a groan and the sound of metal being shoved aside.

"I'm fine," Shepard clamoured up from behind a decorative garden bed, wincing. She looked a sight: her armour was blackened and scraped on one side, and the skin on her face was pink from the intense heat of the blast. Relief swept through him, washing the anxiety away. "But maybe next time don't blow an Atlas up when I'm standing next to it," she added dryly.

James appeared, blood streaming from a wound on his head. "My fault," he apologised as he wiped the blood off and flicked it to the ground.

Kaidan fished a pouch of medigel from one of his armour pockets and handed it to him. James took it gratefully and thanked him as he tore it open and slapped it on the wound, working it in almost as an afterthought.

"No harm done, but watch your attacks." Gina sounded grouchy, and Kaidan rolled his shoulders to ease his guilt as he followed her across the room. Vega detoured off to the side, presumably to retrieve the injured student from the hallway.

The wide courtyard was open and friendly, though the smoking craters and bullet holes somewhat diminished the schoolyard appeal. They walked in the direction that Jack and her students had taken, skirting around dead Cerberus troops and ammo caches. Kaidan frowned as a faint biotic prickle trembled along his skin; like the buzzing he felt when he stood next to the Normandy's drive core.

Was it Jack?

"Well, well, well." As if on cue the tattooed woman appeared on a balcony above them. She stared down with an expression that was half a smirk and half a frown. "I thought the Alliance had you locked up tight, Shepard? I didn't expect to find you _here_."

Gina stopped below the balcony and glanced up with a shrug that Kaidan could tell was far too casual. "They have bigger fish to fry then little ol' me. Besides," Gina's lips curved into a small smirk and her eyes glittered mischievously, "someone had to rescue _you_."

"Fuck off, _princess_." Jack leapt from the balcony and Kaidan had to bite his lip to stop from gasping as she caught herself with a flare of her biotics and landed softly on the ground. He'd seen asari do that; asari _matriarchs_ who'd had hundreds of years to perfect their biotics. But he'd never heard of a young asari doing it, let alone a _human_.

_How the fuck … ?_

She stalked up to Gina, her posture one of bristling antagonism, and before Kaidan knew what she planned, Jack slammed a fist into the side of Gina's face with a loud _crack_. Shepard's head snapped to the side from the force of the blow. A wave of sizzling fury ran through Kaidan, and when Jack leaned forward with her hand up again, he clenched his teeth and caught the biotic teacher in a Stasis.

He didn't care who this woman was; _no one_ hit Gina.

"Didn't I warn you about Cerber-" Jack froze mid-rant as Kaidan's biotics locked tight around her and she went rigid.

The stasis enveloped her completely and for a moment she simply stood there, stunned, then her power surged as she realised what had happened. Kaidan couldn't see her face, but as she began to try to break free using sheer brute force, he guessed she wasn't happy with him at all. Her power punched at the Stasis, trying to break it, but he held it tight around her. Physically she may have been standing still as a statue, but mentally she was throwing the biotic equivalent of a temper tantrum.

_Too bad._

He stepped to Gina's side as she straightened and frowned at Jack, her eyes widening as she saw the Stasis and realised what had happened. She wiped a smear of blood from her lip and grinned as she stepped closer and wiggled her hand in front of the other biotics face.

Jack's power flared and her lips twitched ever so slightly, as though she were trying to snarl.

"You caught Jack?" Shepard turned to look at him incredulously. "You caught her in a _Stasis_?"

She said it like it should have meant something to him; it didn't.

"She hit you," he explained.

Shepard laughed and Jack flared again. Kaidan's stasis wavered slightly under the onslaught of Jack's biotics and glowed a bright blue as she seemed to throw everything she had into breaking free. He saw Shepard's lips move as she responded to him, but he didn't hear a word she said as he concentrated hard to keep the stasis up. This woman was incredible. He'd never felt anyone this strong before – including Shepard.

The sheer force of the power she was throwing at him in an attempt to break was staggering. It buzzed in the air and small neon coloured micro-flares burst around them, almost like static shocks from the clash of their biotics. She was stronger than him, Kaidan realised with a start, but not as highly trained in the fine-tuned use of biotics – which was the only reason he was able to hold her. Her raw power was staggering, but she was nowhere near as skilled as he was at controlling and focusing his power.

Gina touched his arm and Kaidan blinked, abruptly realising that he'd been focused so completely on holding Jack in check that he'd completely lost track of the real world. She spoke again, and with an effort that felt damned near superhuman Kaidan listened to what she was saying.

"You can let her go now, Kaidan. Do you hear me? It's okay. You can let Jack go."

He nodded and dropped his Stasis, bracing as her biotics lit up around them. The power, unfocused as it was, rushed around them but didn't cause any damage as Jack staggered in her unexpected freedom. She whirled and faced him, her dark eyes glittering furiously as she scowled and stalked forward; every muscle in her body visibly tense with anger. Kaidan struggled not to step back as she approached him; trembling with rage.

"What. The. Fuck." Her voice shook with anger and blue sparks swirled in her eyes.

"Jack, it's okay." Gina held up a hand and the teacher stopped in front of them, her biotics crackling loudly in the air. "Kaidan thought you were going to hurt me."

"She hit you." Kaidan said again, wondering why the hell Shepard was letting it slide.

Jack barked with laughter. "Hit her? She fucking deserved a good punch in the face after spending a few goddamned months running around with Cerberus." All of her power abruptly curled back inside of her, leaving the air quiet again.

Kaidan opened his mouth to argue the point, but closed it again; after all, he felt much the same way about her involvement with Cerberus. Not enough to punch in the face, but he could understand this woman's distrust of Cerberus. Especially after they'd attacked her school.

Gina half-turned to look at him and chuckled. "See? She's on our side. She's just a cranky bitch."

"Fuck you, princess." Jack gave Shepard the finger, so blatantly rude that Kaidan bristled again. Jack glanced over at him as though sensing his slight flare. "Calm down little soldier. I'm not going to smack your brave leader again." Her lips twitched as she stared at him hard. "Nice Stasis, by the way."

Kaidan inclined his head, sensing that this was as close to a compliment as he was going to get.

He heard a hushed whispering and looked up to see the faces of her students above them, peering down with wide eyes. The biotic ignored them, and frowned slightly as she stared hard at Kaidan. Abruptly she clicked her fingers and looked from him to Shepard as a sly knowing look came back over her face.

"The photo on your desk," she said slowly as understanding dawned. "I thought he looked familiar-"

"Shut up, Jack." Gina interrupted the other woman quickly, a faint blush creeping over her cheeks. "Let's focus on getting out here, shall we?"

The biotic shrugged and gave Kaidan one last interested look. "Whatever."

Kaidan stared after the women as they moved away, talking in muffled voices about potential paths to the docking bay and how to best get around Cerberus. James made his way over to him, having retrieved Seanne and set her down nearby as some of her student friends tended to her. He glanced over at Jack and then back to Kaidan.

"That looked intense," he probed gently, his brown eyes dancing with curiosity.

"Yeah." Kaidan nodded and nodded at the women. "She's an impressive biotic; by far the strongest I've ever met."

"Easy on the eyes too." James observed with a grin. "You know, if you like that kind of stuff."

"Which you do?" he guessed.

"Maybe." James' grin widened. "I take it your tastes run more to redheads?"

Kaidan's lip twitched as he fought the urge to smile; the lieutenant was far more perceptive than he'd realised. "Shut up, Vega."

"Yes sir."

* * *

**A/N - I can't wait to get the next chapter out to you as well! More on the Grissom students and some lovely little Kaidan/Shepard moments!**


	27. Chapter 27

**A/N – Many thanks to the people who left me reviews on the last chapter – I'm thrilled you all liked it! Hopefully this chapter will be just as much fun for you! Enjoy!**

* * *

"So you ran the Biotic Special Operations team, huh?"

Kaidan glanced up as Prangley fell into a chair beside him; juice in one hand and a power bar in the other. The kid looked ready to drop; his skin was tinged grey with exhaustion and dark smudges under his eyes spoke volumes for how hard he'd pushed himself. But, like the other students, he had a smile on his face and appeared to be holding up well.

Kaidan nodded. "Yeah, I am. Well, I  _was_."

"Was?" The student's face fell. "You mean they cancelled the program?"

"No, I mean that the reapers hit Earth without warning. I've been trying to contact my students but so far I haven't had much luck. I'm not sure how much you know about the attack-"

"I know enough," Prangley cut in as he shuffled in his seat looking uncomfortable. "Sorry."

"Don't be." Kaidan forced a happier tone – the last thing he wanted was to bring this kid down. "If they were easy to find I wouldn't have done a very good job of training them."

His head snapped up and he nodded vigorously. "Yeah, I didn't think of that."

He returned to munching his power bar and Kaidan leaned back in his seat, relaxing and resting his amp while he could. Cerberus had been continuously broadcasting messages over the speakers and on the students private channels; encouraging them to surrender and claiming their teachers wouldn't be unable to help them. Kahlee Sanders had put a stop to it remotely but the bombardment had shaken a lot of the kids, and Shepard and Jack were moving from one student to the next, reassuring them and strengthening their resolve.

"So, you're a biotic?" Prangley piped up again, his curiosity burning bright as he watched Kaidan in between bites. "I mean, no offense, but you're kind of old. So I'm guessing you're either an L2 or early L3?"

_Old?_  Kaidan sat up straighter and opened his mouth to retort that he wasn't  _old_  when he caught sight of Shepard watching him from a few meters away. She grinned, obviously having heard Prangley's statement, and stifled her laughter in her hand. Kaidan pursed his lips and aimed a frown at her; resolving not to rise to the bait and give her anything else to giggle at.

"I was an L2, but," he held a hand up when the young man began to excitedly interrupt. "My implant was damaged on a mission and it's been replaced. I'm currently using one of the experimental Grissom implants. An L3-X1."

"Oh my God!" Prangley vibrated with excitement and actually  _flared_. "That's the same amp that Jack, I mean our instructor, wants to use. I've got one! So does Rodriguez and a few of the others-"

"You're running an experimental amp?" Kaidan broke in; impressed and uncomfortable in equal parts. For one thing, these implants were still in the testing stage so giving them to students seemed like an awfully big risk, and for another they were incredibly powerful.

Prangley didn't notice his discomfort as he ploughed ahead.

"Well, yeah." He tossed Kaidan a superior look, and the Major made a mental note to keep an eye on the boy - that kind of cockiness could get him in trouble in the middle of a fight. "That's why we all stayed. We volunteered for a new biotic training project. We're being trained up as a biotic combat group."

This was news to Kaidan. He'd assumed his Biotic Spec Ops squad was the only one of its kind, but he shouldn't have been surprised; the Alliance was always trying to gain an edge for itself in battle, and utilizing the skills of talented youngsters made sense. Of course, that kind of thinking had allowed Brain Camp to form - and the abuse that the students there had suffered had been horrific.

But Prangley didn't look abused; he looked excited.

"You volunteered?" Kaidan clarified. "I thought you were students?"

"Most of us finished our formal training at the Academy last year and graduated. But when they announced they were working with the Alliance to form this biotic team a bunch of us volunteered. It was kind of dangerous, you know, getting the new implant, but it was worth it." His enthusiasm and apparent lack of concern for the risks of the procedure made Kaidan uncomfortable, and he struggled to ignore the rising unease within him.

_Testing experimental implants on students? The Alliance meddling with student's biotic training?_

It was all  _too_  familiar.

Sickeningly familiar.

Something must have shown on his face as Prangley waved a reassuring hand through the air. "It's not like it sounds. It was completely voluntary and we had to be over eighteen to put our names forward. And Jack is a really good teacher. She doesn't let us push ourselves too hard or make us do anything we don't want to. Believe me," the young man's voice dropped to a whisper and he motioned Kaidan closer. "Cerberus messed Jack up bad when she was a kid. She's covered in scars. She's careful that we only do what we want to and-"

"What did you  _say_?"

Prangley's mouth closed with a snap and the atmosphere tightened around them as Jack's biotics flared. The teacher's angry exclamation sliced through the air like a knife, ice-cold fury in her voice. For a moment Kaidan thought she was yelling at Prangley and he struggled not to flare in response. His hand tightened on the cool metal edge of the table as he fought for control, biotic energy dancing just under his skin.

But Jack ignored Prangley and stalked straight up to one of the other students. The air shimmered, rippling blue as her biotics ignited and the student shrank before her. Kaidan's stomach clenched and his muscles tensed in a fight or flight reaction as the wave of power pouring off her washed over him. Her energy vibrated, tight and angry, and he started to rise, concern for the student lapping at him as Jack came to a stop in front of the girl.

"Do you see these scars, Rodriguez?" she growled, her voice thick with a fury so raw it hit Kaidan like a punch to the stomach. Jack jabbed one long tattooed finger towards her neck, and he swallowed an unpleasant taste in his mouth as he saw that hidden amongst her tattoos were long, angry scars. " _This_  is what happens when Cerberus gets their hands on biotic children.  _This_  is what you have to look forward to if you're stupid enough to go with them.  _This_  is what they did a helpless child! What the hell do you think they'll do to you? Huh?" She shoved her face in the girls and snarled. "Answer me!"

Rodriguez cowered and her eyes flicked from Jack to the team around her. "I'm sorry," she breathed. "I'm just scared."

"And you should be." Shepard stepped forward and Kaidan relaxed marginally. Her presence seemed to calm Jack and the placating tone in her voice drew the girl's attention away from the biotic time bomb. "I've seen what Cerberus does to people, including children. They're liars and if you go with them you'll be meat on a slab. Nothing more. I know you're scared, but you need to trust us. We'll get you out. The only reason Cerberus are putting so much effort into lying to you is because they know we can save you. Okay?"

She eased Jack out of the girl's personal space and gently clasped the student's shoulder. Rodriguez looked up, her dark eyes wide and frightened as she drew in a long breath. It was painfully obvious that the young woman was terrified, and Kaidan relaxed further when she visibly rallied and pulled herself straighter, fighting off her fear.

Rodriguez cast her eyes at the ground and nodded. "Yeah. I'm ... sorry, Jack, Commander Shepard. They just keep saying it over and over and I'm so tired."

Shepard squeezed her shoulder and stepped back. "Switch your Omni-tools to privacy mode. At least you can stop them bombarding you that way."

Prangley got to his feet beside Kaidan and dropped his crumpled juice box to the table. "Wow," his tone was rich with admiration. "Commander Shepard is pretty amazing."

Kaidan raised his eyebrows but kept his gaze trained on the woman in question. Pride filled the space that the tension had vacated and he nodded in agreement as a smile tugged on his mouth. "Yeah. She's pretty special. But your teacher is amazing too. I've never met another biotic like her."

"Jack's strong and a great teacher, but she has a bad temper." The young man spoke in between mouthfuls as he finished off his power bar. "The Commander calmed her down and reassured Rodriguez like it was nothing. I mean, she made it look easy."

"She's a leader," Kaidan told him as he slid his chair in. "It's what she does."

He left Prangley to mull over his words and joined Shepard and Jack, who were speaking in low voices away from the students. James appeared beside them a few moments later, intimidatingly large in his heavy armour.

"I think the safest way is going to be to split into two groups," Jack was saying, indicating several points on her Omni-tool display. "You and your meat-heads can go through the atrium and I'll take my kids up through the skywalk to give you with some cover."

"Seanne?" James asked, jerking a thumb in the direction of the injured girl.

"Shit," the teacher muttered quietly. "I forgot about her."

"We'll take her, right Commander?" The lieutenant glanced over at Shepard and when she nodded he straightened as though assuming responsibility. "She's light and I'll keep her safe if we get into a firefight."

Doubt trickled through Kaidan and he started to protest, but he stopped himself; bringing the girl with them was a risk, but it was no different to what they'd faced when they first picked her up. Leaving her with Jack and the students would be an even greater risk. The chances of the students engaging in combat was high, and there was only so much Jack could do to protect them. She was only one person and would have her hands full keeping the able bodied students in line.

They really had no other choice; Seanne would have to come with them.

"Okay," Shepard tapped her bottom lip absently and nodded. "This is the best plan we have. Let's go with it. Jack, get your students safely above us and provide as much support as you can. We'll charge through and clear a path to the shuttle."

"Are the students up for this?" Kaidan met Jack's gaze head on, ignoring the faint crackling pressure along his skin as she flared slightly, testing him.

She bared her teeth in a smile. "Of course they are. These kids have been training up to be a biotic artillery squad for the last few months. They aren't anything special alone but when they work together they're impressive."

"But are they ready for  _combat_?" he pushed. "Training is one thing, going into war is another."

Jack said nothing for a long moment, then she looked across as Shepard. "They're ready for  _this_. They have to be. But long term?" Her gaze slid over to the students who were clustered together looking excited and scared. "I'm not sure they're ready for the front lines. With more time, maybe. But now? Shit. I don't know. But they signed up for  _this_ , they've trained for  _this_. They want to help."

Kaidan met Shepard's eyes, wondering if she was thinking the same thing that he was; that while the students were certainly impressive  _en masse_ , they needed more experience and more training to be effective. The thought of packing unexperienced kids off to war in such a dangerous role terrified him.

Biotics, especially  _children_ , were not weapons.

"For now we need to focus on getting to the shuttle." Shepard ended the conversation by slashing her hand through the air. "Saddle up your kids and get them ready. Anything you can do to support us will be helpful but take care of them first."

"Don't worry,  _Princess_. I'll keep 'em safe." Jack tossed a mock salute in Shepard's general direction and moved back to her kids.

They moved out as soon as they were ready; Kaidan and Shepard took point with James staying back with the injured girl, while Jack and her students vanished to an upper level. The fight back to the shuttle bay was one gruelling tussle after another; an endless flow of Cerberus engineers, sentinels and troopers. At one point Kaidan found himself putting down on trooper only to have two more drop in on him.

Shepard disappeared in a blur as she Charged forward and obliterated troops with a succession of Novas, her battle cry enough to get Kaidan's blood thundering through his veins. He followed her as she pushed forward, using Overload on shield generators and catching stray troopers in Singularities. Shepard looked every bit the fierce warrior he remembered from the SR-1 as she fought, and he savoured the familiar pull of her biotics against his body.

Kaidan halted in a billowing cloud from a smoke grenade, breathing in the scent of gun smoke and ozone as the biotic students rained biotic artillery strikes on Cerberus. He could feel their energy like a purr against his skin; all different flavours of biotics combined into one beautiful but deadly barrage. He had to admit that the students were worth their weight in gold as they devastated the Cerberus ranks.

They tore through the last of the Cerberus troops in a matter of minutes and then Shepard led them forward, guided by Kaylee over the comms. As a group, they bolted for the corridor that led to the shuttle bay, pausing to take out an engineer who was trying to repair a damaged Atlas. Jack and her students weren't far behind and Kaidan felt the biotic pressure along his skin as they joined them. The students were buzzing with elation; excited that they had fought beside Commander Shepard.

Kaidan took a second to let his biotics recharge and then they were off again. His eyes burned from the smoke grenades Cerberus was so fond of using, and he had a bitter taste in his mouth that he suspected was a side effect from over-taxing his new implant, but it was better than a migraine.

"Kahlee?" Shepard gasped into her transceiver as she jogged beside Kaidan. "We're almost at the main foyer. Which way do we go?"

_"Straight through to the doors on the far side. Jack knows the way. Be careful, you have lots of Cerberus troops heading your way."_

"We can handle them, just make sure you get to the shuttle too." Shepard popped a thermal clip as she ran, her gaze wary as they approached the hall. "Stay alert. I'm not getting this far only to have Cerberus spring out and snatch these kids at the last minute."

Kaidan murmured an affirmative as he readied his biotics and felt an answering pulse from Jack and her students. They were a warm presence at his back and their power pulsed and flowed invitingly. The temptation to join his biotics with theirs was almost irresistible, but he stayed focused and scanned the hall as they reached the open doors. The hall was empty save for a few Cerberus troopers guarding the doors at the far side, but more would be coming; they always did.

Shepard's biotics roared to life beside him and Kaidan felt a stinging slap as she Charged forward in a blue haze; smashing into a trooper with a bone crunching  _thud_. Kaidan caught another in a Lift and suspended him in the air, the man tumbling end over end as he thrashed, before he used his assault rifle to finish him off. The final trooper was hit by a barrage of biotic attacks from the students; slammed on all sides by Warps, Singularities, Throws and even a Slam.

He didn't get up when his mangled body fell.

They continued across the hall and Kaidan cursed as he heard the  _pop_  and  _hiss_  of a smoke grenade. He had a second to brace for the attack and then Cerberus was upon them; dropping in from the ceiling and pouring in from side doors.

"Keep going!" Jack roared as some of her students faltered.

A series of shots rang out and Kaidan bared his teeth as they slammed into his Barrier. He whirled, wisps of blue dancing over his skin as he readied a Reave and fired it off. The power streaked through the room with a low thrumming noise and enveloped troopers, they screamed and dropped but Kaidan didn't watch as they writhed in pain. There were too many troops for them to hold off – they had to run for it. He put all his energy into strengthening his Barrier and followed the students.

Shepard appeared beside him and he extended his Barrier to cover her as they retreated, following Jack as she led them towards the doors and the shuttle bay. He had a moment of panic as he caught sight of an Atlas in a doorway nearby, but it moved too slowly to be a threat and they left it behind.

With a final burst of speed they sped through the doors and raced towards the shuttle, the air alive with stray bullets and the yells of their pursuers. They leapt into the shuttle with no time to spare, and Kaidan slammed the hatch shut behind him as Cerberus began pouring into the room.

"Cortez, get us out of here! Now!" Shepard roared as the hull rattled with the sound of gunfire.

The pilot didn't have to be told twice and Kaidan clung to a handhold on the roof as the shuttle lifted and accelerated, the dampening systems not quite compensating for the sharp turns Cortez executed on the way out.

Shepard braced herself beside him and clutched his armour as she swayed. "Joker, we're coming in hot. Get the bay doors open and be ready to leave as soon as we're on board. We have Cerberus hot on our tail."

" _EDI's way ahead of you, Commander."_  Joker's voice came over the shuttle's comms.  _"The doors are open and we're primed to leave."_

Shepard let go of Kaidan as the dampeners kicked in and she straightened, nodding to him as she holstered her gun. "Thanks Joker."

Kaylee wiped a hand over her face, exhaustion radiating from every pore. "Thank you, Commander. Without your help we would have been helpless."

Kaidan saw Shepard's lips twitch in amusement as she glanced from Kaylee to the students. "Well, I'm not sure about helpless." She managed to keep her face solemn as she spoke. "But Cerberus are sneaky bastards and we were happy to help."

"We did good though, right?" Prangley spoke up, his face defiantly proud as he looked from Kaylee to Jack. "We held them off and we helped Commander Shepard."

"You did okay," Jack drawled as she dropped into a seat and stretched her long legs out in front of her. She raised her eyes to Prangley's when he made an angry sound. "Pretty good for your first time in combat. I'm proud of you." The biotic teacher looked at each of her students in turn. "I'm proud of  _all_  of you."

Kaidan couldn't help but grin as the students dissolved into happy chatter and Gina sat with Kaylee and Jack. The three women looked intense as they spoke quietly, but Kaidan didn't interrupt as he unclipped his shoulder guard and began to massage a sore spot where he'd been hit. His skin prickled and he looked up to find Shepard watching him, her green eyes intense.

She met his gaze and winked, and Kaidan's heart fluttered at the sparkle in her eyes. Her pale skin glistened with sweat and smears of soot, and her red hair clung to her face in clumps, but she looked fierce and wild. Shepard raised a hand and crooked her finger, indicating for him to join them. Kaidan instantly rose, ignoring Vega's chuckle as he abandoned him.

He took the empty seat beside her, and Shepard leaned in close.

"Kaidan," she murmured, and her breath tickled his ear. "How would you feel about taking on some of your teaching duties again?"

Kaidan blinked in surprise and pulled back. "What?"

For a moment his blood ran cold and he was sure he went pale;  _was she asking him to leave? But why?_ His fear must have shown on his face as Shepard laughed and clapped a hand on his leg; her touch sending shivers of awareness through him. His anxiety vanished when she grinned and nudged him with a shoulder.

"Don't look so worried, you idiot." She subtly pressed her thigh against his. "I was thinking we could help Jack out. The kids could use some combat experience, and you have experience training biotics ..." she trailed off and looked at him expectantly.

Kaidan stayed quiet and stared at her while he tried to process what she was saying;  _was Shepard talking about bringing the kids on the Normandy?_

When he didn't speak the biotic teacher glared at him as though he was stupid. "Look little soldier, Shepard thinks it might be a good idea if me and some of the advanced students join you on the Normandy. Get some combat experience and get some training with real soldiers. Volunteers only and if you don't want in because you can't handle it, then that's fine." She crossed her arms angrily. "We don't need you, but since you have experience training biotic students you  _might_ be able to help."

"It's just an idea," Shepard hastily added. "I don't want to pressure you into teaching if you don't want to, but I thought we could get them some experience and help prepare them for the real fight."

Kaidan cleared his throat as he mulled over the idea. His initial reaction was that kids didn't belong on a war ship like the Normandy, especially in the middle of a war.

But they  _weren't_  kids.

They were young adults who had signed up for this of their own accord and who would be sent into battle one way or the other. The Normandy was running on a skeleton crew so they had room for them, and he was more than capable of helping with their training. They could work with Jack for their group biotics and one on one with him. He could take them on missions when they were ready and get them that essential combat experience.

The more he thought about the idea, the more he saw the merit in it.

He straightened and nodded. "I think it's a good idea, but how many students are we talking about?"

"Four," Kaylee answered promptly. "Prangley, Rodriguez, Seanne and her brother Reiley. They're the best we have and they're a good team. I can give you their dossiers when we get back to the ship."

"Sounds good. I won't commit to anything until I talk to each of the students and read their files, but I can see the benefit in helping them get some combat experience." Kaidan struggled to stay level headed as Gina smirked at him, evidently having anticipated this answer. He was tempted to nudge her in the ribs but it felt wrong with Kaylee and Jack watching. "So long as the students understand the dangers of what they're signing up for and the Alliance will agree to it."

Shepard's smirk widened into a smug little smile and she crossed her arms over her chest. "Excellent," she murmured and gave Kaidan a look that shivers down his spine. "I have a few ideas we can talk about later. I'll stop by the observation lounge after debrief and we can talk through them."

Kaidan nodded and stood up, maintaining what he hoped was a professional demeanour as he excused himself and returned to sit with James. His omni-tool pinged as he sat back down and he flicked it open, his eyes focusing on the single word that had Shepard had messaged to him:  **Dinner?**

Kaidan glanced up, a warm swell of euphoria filling him. Shepard wasn't looking at him but he knew she was waiting for his response and he grinned as he casually typed a reply to send back:  **Yes,**   **please.**

A moment later Shepard opened her omni-tool and smiled.

* * *

**A/N – The Normandy gets some new crew members and Kaidan gets a dinner date! I *am* looking forward to writing the next chapter! I hope you all enjoyed that!**


	28. Chapter 28

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N - Thank you for being patient with me while I got this chapter out. Hopefully you'll enjoy it! I know that I loved writing it! Oh, it does get a little bit saucy and I am moving the rating of this fic up to M now!**

**And of course, a big thank you to all of my readers and reviewers! :)**

* * *

"You've always been too nice," Jack complained as she dropped onto the couch in Shepard's cabin, her mouth twisting into something approximating a smile. "If I were you-"

Gina snorted. "If  _you_  were me you would have left Kaidan to the Collectors on Horizon. Believe me, I know just how you operate." She settled herself onto the couch and folded her hands neatly in her lap as she tried to calm the nervous tossing of her stomach. For a reason she couldn't explain, Jack's biotics always felt wrong to her - as though someone was playing a low base note that she couldn't hear but could  _feel_. "But I'm  _not_  you."

"Clearly," the Grissom teacher dismissed her argument with a wave of her hand. "But hey, if you want to play with fire then by all means go for it. Some people never learn."

If that wasn't the pot calling the kettle black then Shepard didn't know what was.

"You're just angry that he caught you in a Stasis."

The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them and Gina barely refrained from clapping a hand over her lips; she hadn't meant to say that out loud. Jack's pride and belief in her superior biotics was all that had kept her going in some of her darker moments; pointing out that she'd been bested by an Alliance marine probably wasn't a bright idea.

Gina met her gaze evenly as Jack's eyes widened and she sat forward, a rolling rush of power leaking from her. It crept along her skin, slapping and stinging in micro waves as the other woman edged closer, her teeth clenched and her eyes glittering furiously.

Yep; Jack was angry.

To her surprise, the biotic swallowed her rage and power back down. She closed her eyes, lips moving as she counted to ten, and then she opened them again. There was still anger written across her face, but the blind rage Shepard remembered so well was gone.

"You're right," she bit out from between perfect white teeth. "I  _am_  angry that he caught me in a Stasis. He shouldn't have been able to. It's a lesson I hope the kids learned: you can't let you guard down even amongst friends."

Gina grinned at the implied insult. "I still think you're cranky that you got bested."

"I  _wasn't_  bested!"

Her grin widened. "Didn't look that way to me," she sang in a sing-song voice.

Jack glowered and shoved a data pad at her. "Just read the damn files, Shepard."

"Yes, teacher."

She took the data pad and flicked it on. The screen displayed the profiles of the proposed students staying on the Normandy, and she glanced over it quickly and nodded to herself. The kids selected were standouts. Jason Prangley, the young man she'd overheard calling Kaidan  _old,_  had an impressive Adept biotic ability. His biotics peaked at levels which were only just below her own, and a note on his profile highlighted that his psychological testing demonstrated a high level of leadership ability.

The next profile was Isabella Rodriguez. Her scores for strategy and leadership were almost off the scale, and Gina looked through her profile with interest. She expected her biotic rating to be as strong as Prangley's, but to her surprise she found the opposite; her rating was incredibly low. The girl was an Adept of limited talent, but she had the ability to focus her biotics into narrow fields, and when working in groups was able to manipulate the biotic energy of others; focusing Barriers in crucial places and condensing biotic attacks into small deadly blasts.

It was an impressive ability; one which Gina had never seen before.

"Rodriguez is-"

"Incredible?" Jack finished for her. The teacher straightened, all business. "Her parents are diplomats living on Thessia. We're not sure if being exposed to that much unrefined Eezo in utero is what caused her unusual abilities, but she's definitely not your run of the mill biotic."

"I'll say." Gina shook her head in disbelief. "Are the others like her?"

"They're different." Jack told her. "The other two kids on the list are Reiley and Seanne Bellarmine. You met both of them at Grissom. They're twin Vanguards of sound ability. Not at your level and not at mine, but they might get there one day."

"And what's so special about them?"

The corner of Jack's mouth curved upwards and she leaned forward. "They're the ones who gave Sanders the idea of having biotics work as a team. Seanne and Reiley can combine their powers and work in unison, and I mean they can do  _everything_  in unison: Throws, Slams, Charges and Novas. It's unbelievable. Shit, Shepard. You should see them  _Charge!_  It's like nothing I've ever fucking seen."

Shepard tore her eyes from Jack's and glanced down at the data pad again. Sure enough the twins abilities were listed, as well as testing data and the readout from their amps. Graphs showed that their powers could work perfectly in unison, peaking at identical moments and at the same strength. She whistled slowly, turned the pad off and set it down in front of her.

"I never knew human biotics could do things like this."

Jack shrugged and looked pleased that Shepard was stunned. "They usually can't. Human biotics are rare enough, but these minor mutations are only really being studied now. It's possible that all weak biotics could be trained to manipulate smaller fields like Rodriguez can, but she has a natural talent for it. Hell, all of the students can combine biotics. Even you and I could probably combine biotics. But Seanne and Reiley do it naturally because they grew up together, and until they came to the academy no one had thought about seeing whether biotics could combine powers."

"Have you consulted with the asari? They're the biotic experts, right?"

She laughed. "They sent out an expert who helped us with the basics, but we had a difference of opinion about how to train students."

Shepard chuckled as she stood up, tucking the data pad under her arm. "I'll talk to the Major about this and see what he thinks. If he's on board then I have no problem with the students staying to get some experience."

Jack grinned like a Cheshire Cat at the mention of _the Major._ "So, that's him huh? I have to say, your photo really didn't do him justice-"

"Jack," Shepard warned quietly.

She held up her hands innocently. "Hey, I think it's great that you're finally getting some action-"

"Jack!"

"Just saying, he's easy on the eye and his biotics pack a punch."

Shepard sighed and ushered the biotic from the room. She and Jack had never been especially close and sometimes the other woman's crudeness got under her skin.

After checking her reflection in her bathroom mirror, Shepard caught the elevator down to the crew level and ambled to the mess. She snagged two of the hot ration packs, put them in the heater and waited for them to heat up.

 _It wasn't going to be the most romantic dinner in the world_ , she admitted to herself,  _but at least it was hot food after a long day._

The heater pinged its readiness and she retrieved the ration packs, slapped them on some trays and precariously balanced the data pad on top as she left the kitchen.

"Shepard?"

Gina paused and turned around as she heard Liara's soft voice. The asari hovered outside of her room, wringing her hands as she shifted her weight from foot to foot. She looked worried and Gina instantly veered towards her.

"Liara, what's up?"

"I was wondering if I could talk to you about ... ." she trailed off as she saw the double meal trays Shepard was carrying, and cleared her throat. "I'm interrupting you, I'm sorry."

"It's fine." Shepard shrugged with one shoulder. "I'm having dinner with Kaidan and discussing the students from Grissom."

"I see." Liara's mouth thinned into a line and she crossed her arms over her chest. "I should let you go then."

The hurt in her voice was obvious and Gina sighed inwardly as she remembered what Garrus had told her about Liara blaming Kaidan for her death. The last thing she needed was disharmony on her ship. This had to be sorted out before it became an issue.

"Liara, what do you need to speak to me about?" She kept her voice friendly as she spoke, her body language open and non-confrontational. "If it's only quick we can speak now."

Liara looked uncomfortable and shook her head. "I wanted to speak with you privately about a project I've been working on, but now is clearly not a good time."

Gina forced a smile and took hold of one of Liara's hands, giving it a gentle squeeze. "Look, tomorrow we're heading to Utukku to look for the missing Krogan team, and I should have some free time in transit. I'll send you a message when I'm able to and you can come up to my cabin. Would that work for you?"

"Yes." A beautiful smile broke out across her features and Gina returned it. "Thank you, Shepard."

"No problem." She retrieved her hand and rebalanced the food trays. "I'll catch you later."

"Of course." Liara sounded much more cheerful and she flashed another bright smile as she ducked back into her office.

Gina took a breath and continued to the Starboard Observation Lounge, her stomach fluttering nervously. All afternoon she'd been looking forward to catching up with Kaidan for dinner, and she'd almost driven herself insane overthinking things.  _Should she dress up? Should she try to keep it focused on work?_ _Should she bring dessert or wine?_  In the end Gina had stayed in her BDUs and had opted to try and keep things light and friendly.

The fluttering in her stomach increased as she approached the door to the Observation Lounge and Gina replayed the way Kaidan had looked at her after she'd sent the message about dinner. She had tried to keep busy talking to Jack but she'd still seen the smirk on his face and the heat in his eyes.

Would Kaidan kiss her tonight like he had after their coffee date on the Citadel? Her heart sped up and she smiled to herself as she paused by the door. She  _wanted_  him to kiss her - that much she knew for sure.

Gina raised her hand to knock and paused, feeling silly as she realised he wouldn't hear her through the metal door. "EDI," she asked. "Can you let Major Alenko know that I'm outside?"

_"Of course, Commander."_

There was a short pause and then the door slid open. Nero jumped down from the couch and padded towards her, letting out a small meow as he wound around her feet. She carefully stepped over the small feline and glanced around as she entered.

Kaidan was rummaging through a crate with his back to her and Gina watched in amusement as he pulled out a well-worn book and a bottle of Canadian whiskey and set them beside him. He had dressed casually in a pair of black jeans and a long sleeved black shirt, and Gina glanced down at her uniform and pulled a face. She knew Kaidan wouldn't care what she was wearing, but she suddenly found herself wishing that she'd at least put on her civvies before coming down.

"Be with you in a moment, Gina," Kaidan called over his shoulder as he pulled out a worn hockey jersey and set that beside the other objects. "I just need to find … ah! There it is!" He stood up and turned around with a triumphant grin, holding a bottle of wine. "I knew it was in here someplace!"

"Oooh, fancy wine!" Gina returned his smile and held up the trays of food. "I'm sure it'll go down a treat with hot MREs!"

He laughed, a rich warm throaty sound, and his eyes sparkled as they caught hers. "Fancy wine goes best with good company, you know that."

She flushed and set the trays down on a small table in front of the observation window. The shimmering stars made a beautiful backdrop and she let her gaze linger on them as she sank onto the couch. Kaidan joined her a moment later, setting two glasses and the bottle of wine on the table as he took a seat.

"So what delicacy have you brought for us?" He peered at the foil covered trays, his expression amused as he opened the wine.

Gina peeled back the foil a flamboyant gesture. "Ta-da! Chunks of steak in gravy with some kind of green vegetable," she announced.

"Chunks of steak and vegetable?" Kaidan exclaimed playfully. "My favourite!"

She laughed. "Shut up and eat it."

"Yes ma'am." He saluted her and pulled his meal over to him, tucking into it right away. "You know, this isn't half bad," he mentioned after a few mouthfuls. "For synthesized meat, I mean."

Gina speared a piece of the meat on the end of her fork, scooped some gravy onto it and popped it in her mouth. She chewed thoughtfully; it really didn't taste all that different to real steak, though it lacked the  _exact_  same flavour and texture. But in terms of military rations, she'd definitely had far worse.

She shrugged. "It's okay."

"You don't like it?" Kaidan smirked and before Gina knew what he was doing he reached across and stole a chunk of steak from her meal, shovelling it into his mouth and chewing.

"Hey!" Gina protested, equally outraged and amused. "That was mine!"

He swallowed and grinned. "You snooze, you lose."

"Oh, that's it!" She mock-glared at him as he finished his meal and relaxed back on the couch. "I demand reparations!"

Kaidan looked from her to her meal and pointed. "You haven't even finished yours yet!"

"That's not the point! You're a thief!"

"Fine." Kaidan heaved himself off the couch, not even bothering to hide his grin as he looked at her. "Reparations it is."

He moved back to the crate he'd been digging through earlier, and Gina used the time to finish off her steak and vegetables, not entirely trusting that Kaidan wouldn't come back and try for more. She'd forgotten that he had a bad habit of picking at her food if she didn't keep up with him. Maybe it was his biotics or maybe it was just him, but Kaidan was always hungry.

And he wasn't above  _stealing_  her food to satisfy his urges.

"Here you go." Kaidan flopped onto the couch and waved a chocolate bar in front of her face. "You can have one square in exchange for the steak I took."

Her stomach rumbled hungrily at the sight of the chocolate and she widened her eyes, gazing at Kaidan pleadingly. "Just  _one_?"

He grinned and raised his eyebrows. "Well, I guess I could be persuaded to part with more. But it'll cost you."

Gina pointed at her empty ration pack. "I'm all out of steak."

Kaidan began to unwrap the chocolate bar, his long fingers moving quickly over the foil wrapper. "That's okay. I'll trade you some for … ," he trailed off and met her eyes, his gaze dropping to her lips before he raised it again. "A kiss?"

Gina blinked. "A kiss?"

"Sure." Kaidan broke off a square of chocolate and handed it to her. "Just one little kiss and you can have another square."

She pursed her lips. "Is that  _all_  my kiss is worth to you?"

"Two squares?" he bargained.

The chocolate looked like standard Alliance issue and nothing special, but it had been a while since she'd allowed herself to have anything sweet, and she loved chocolate. They both did. Gina looked from Kaidan to the chocolate and fought hard not to smile as she imagined kissing him for the sweet treat. She could imagine his lips against hers, firm and in control as he raised one hand and cupped her cheek, his tongue sliding against hers like velvet … .

She shivered.

"Okay," she agreed and held out her hand. "Give me the chocolate and I'll give you a kiss."

Kaidan shook his head. "Nope, I want my kiss first and  _then_  you get your chocolate."

His whiskey coloured gaze burned as it fastened onto hers, his handsome face open and laughing as he waited for her to make up her mind. Gina shrugged with one shoulder and leaned closer, sliding one arm along the back of the couch and shifting her position so she could put her other hand on his shoulder to balance herself.

"You promise I'll get my chocolate?" she asked as she brought her face close to his, teasing him by rubbing her cheek against his. "You're not going to take advantage of me are you?"

Kaidan shuddered lightly at her words and nodded. "I promise."

"Good." She breathed the word softly into his ear, a tingling rush of power going through her as Kaidan's biotics flared in response.

She tilted her head and brushed her lips against his lightly. His mouth opened and he made a small sound of hunger, and she kissed him again, letting her lips open against his. Kaidan's hands came up either side of her face, holding her to him as he deepened the kiss.

It was heaven. Bliss. Better than chocolate –  _and he knew it._

Gina drew back slowly, pressing several small kisses against his lips as she reached down and snagged the entire bar of chocolate off his lap. He watched through sexy half-lidded eyes as she passed him back the single piece of chocolate he'd given her earlier and kept the rest for herself.

"Pleasure doing business with you, Mr. Alenko." She grinned as she snapped off a piece and ate it slowly, savouring the chocolatey taste.

Kaidan looked from her to his single piece of chocolate and sighed. "You're a witch," he told her, smiling contentedly as he slid an arm along the back of the couch. "But that was worth it."

Gina laughed and snapped off another piece for him. "You weren't too bad yourself."

Kaidan took the chocolate and hummed happily as he ate it, the sparkle in his eyes doing all kinds of peculiar things to her body. The kiss had stirred up everything she'd been struggling to control since he'd come on board, and she was finding it hard to stay still. Her skin felt oversensitive and her body ached to have him touching and holding her.

"I'm glad you suggested this," he told her as he poured himself more wine and gestured at her untouched glass. "I don't suppose we're going to get a lot of time to ourselves on the Normandy."

Gina took the glass he offered and sipped, the wine slid over her tongue; rich and mellow.

"It can be hard to get a moment alone," she agreed with a smile. "A lot like old times on the SR-1."

Kaidan chuckled. "Yeah, but we always managed to find some alone time. Remember all those late night chats while I tried to repair that console that always bugged up?"

"How could I forget?" Gina shifted closer and her thigh brushed against his. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't we have our first kiss by that panel?"

He nodded. "While we were on lockdown before we left for Ilos. It was late at night and I found you there, almost like you were waiting for me." Kaidan paused and set his drink down. He took her hand and laced his fingers with hers. "You looked so lost. It was like everything had finally caught up with you; Ash's death, the lockdown, and the enormity of what we were facing." He drew in a deep breath and reached up to tuck her hair behind her ear. "One moment we were trying to act as though there wasn't anything between us, and the next I remember thinking that if we died the next day I didn't want to have any regrets-"

"And you kissed me," Gina finished, setting her wine glass beside his. Kaidan's eyes were hypnotising as they bored into hers and she struggled not to lean forward and refresh her memory with another kiss.

"I kissed you," he agreed. "Best decision of my life."

A flush of desire unfurled in Gina's belly and she shivered as his fingers lightly caressed her cheek. "Are you flirting with me, Major?" she asked as she leaned back into her seat and watched him, drowning in his gaze.

"Do you want me to?"

Gina chewed on the inside of her lower lip as she considered Kaidan, her body humming as his biotics pulsed gently against hers. God, his power was incredible. Even when he was trying to stop his power from leaking out she could still feel it. It was a gentle prickling rush against her skin that felt like a warm breeze. It felt incredibly erotic, and the way his voice dropped a fraction as he spoke drove the butterflies in her tummy wild.

"I'm not sure," she admitted softly. "But I know I like this. Us."

 _Too soon!_  A small voice in the back of her head cautioned her.  _He's only just come back onto the Normandy and you're already planning on jumping his bones? Be sensible!_

It was good advice.

"Me too," Kaidan agreed with her, his voice furred with something soft and warm that sent a shiver down her spine.

Gina cleared her throat and gestured at the data pad she'd set on the table when she came in. "I thought you'd want to take a look at the students' files?"

"Not right at this moment." Kaidan didn't even glance at the pad, and the fingers on her cheek followed the curve of her neck, sending a buzz of energy through her body. "I'll be honest with you; I'm not even interested in the chocolate right now."

"Kaidan!" Gina whispered his name shakily, the tip of her tongue sneaking out to moisten her lips.

He leaned closer, the spicy sent of his aftershave sending her senses into overdrive as she breathed in the familiar scent of  _him_. "I love it when you say my name," he confessed in a low male growl, the sexy timbre of his voice causing a meltdown in Gina's brain. "Say it again?"

She was helpless to resist.

"Kaidan."

Every thought of being sensible vanished as Kaidan's arms crept around her body and he hauled her close, so incredibly strong and capable that she instantly melted against him. Her biotics ignited against his and the air crackled with blue power as Kaidan's mouth crashed against hers.

Gina whimpered against him, common sense vanishing as Kaidan tipped back on the couch and settled himself between her legs. He tore his mouth from hers and grazed his teeth along her cheek, nibbling and kissing until he reached a spot just below her jaw. Gina jerked and made a sound that was part moan and part sigh as he sucked on the sensitive spot.

He teased her for a while, one hand sliding down her body and cupping her ass as he pressed himself against her eagerly. Gina, delirious with pleasure, reacted by arching up against him, her hands clawing at his back as she tried to pull him closer. The hunger tearing through her was frightening; she wanted Kaidan. Her body ached. Screamed. Even her biotics felt like they were pulling her towards him.

Kaidan nudged her head to one side and Gina momentarily froze as he bit her neck, softly at first but with increasing force. She shuddered, lost in a sea of sensation as he increased the pressure, biting her hard enough that the pleasure blurred perfectly with the pain.

She writhed and cried out but Kaidan held her down easily, one hand tangled in her hair while the other kept her scooped against him. His body was hard against hers, and Gina melted to the very core at the thought of Kaidan continuing and taking their foreplay to its natural conclusion.

_Am I ready for that?_

_No_ , she admitted to herself, opening her eyes and gazing up at the ceiling as reality crashed down. Committing herself to Kaidan physically and emotionally wasn't something she could do lightly. Their relationship on the SR-1 had been intense and, at times, frighteningly intimate.

This time she  _needed_  to take things slow.

Being with him like this, feeling his hands on her body and his mouth against her skin, made her almost want to cry with relief; and that scared her. Kaidan was the only man she'd ever been with who understood that, for her, pleasure and pain went hand in hand with love making. She'd laid her soul bare to him on the SR-1 and he'd embraced everything he found.

But it had been Exhausting.

Terrifying.

Exhilarating.

Consuming.

"Enough," Gina said softly and Kaidan instantly let her go.

His hand vanished from her hair and he drew back from her neck, breathing fast as he gazed down at her. "Too much?" He asked, his voice low and aroused.

She shook her head, hating herself for what she was about to say. "No it's just that," Gina trailed off and swallowed the lump in her throat as she sat up. Kaidan scooted back, his face carefully neutral as he watched her. "I'm just not sure if I'm ready for this."

He nodded and drew in a breath. "Okay. Tell me what you want."

Gina could practically taste Kaidan's disappointment as he rested his hands on his legs, respecting her need for space. She wanted to go to him again, to curl around him and ask him to hold her and keep her safe. But given that he was visibly aroused and she was barely keeping her own urges in check, she knew it was a bad idea.

"I need time." She wrapped her arms around her legs and rested her chin on her knees, huddling against herself. "This is all happening so fast, and it's so intense. I really want to be with you again, Kaidan." Gina met his eyes, imploring him to understand. "The way you make me feel and the way you touch me is … ," she couldn't find the words and her nails curled tightly into the legs of her pants. "You make me feel alive."

Kaidan smiled wryly and rubbed the back of his neck. "But you're still going back to your cabin tonight, aren't you?"

He looked like he was in pain.

Gina nodded. "I am, but I don't want to."

Their gazes met and he reached out and took her hand, slowly prying it away from her leg. He brought it up, uncurled her fingers, and kissed her palm. Something warm and alive passed through her at that gentle gesture, and she relaxed as he linked his fingers with hers.

He wasn't mad.

"Well, I'm not going to say I'm not disappointed, but I don't want you staying because  _I_  want you to." Kaidan squeezed her hand gently. "Everything I felt for you is still in here." He tapped his chest above his heart. "I want you to be happy, Gina. That's all. If I pushed for too much tonight, I'm sorry."

Gina shook her head and finally managed to smile. "You didn't push, this was as much me as you. I'm sorry for getting you all worked up." She tried not to look at the bulge in his trousers as she spoke. "But if it's any consolation I'm equally as flustered."

He laughed and stood up, pulling her to her feet. "Not to worry, Gi. It's nothing a long cold shower won't fix."

She looked up and traced his face with one hand. "Thank you."

He shook his head and leaned down, pressing his lips to hers gently. When he drew back he was smiling again, and he tapped her on the nose softly. "Never feel like you have to apologise for saying  _enough_. I'll always respect your wishes."

Her heart squeezed at the look in his eyes and she tightened her fingers around his.  _I love you!_ The words were on the tip of her tongue and Gina bit them back with difficulty. Now wasn't the time for that particular confession, not when she still didn't know how Kaidan felt about her.

"Good night, Kaidan." Gina pulled her fingers from his and stepped back, instantly feeling the loss of his biotic aura as the prickling rush faded. She turned and made for the door, pausing to look back when Kaidan spoke up.

"Good night, Gi. Thank you for dinner." He stood by the couch, a dark shape framed by the stars glittering through the observation window. "And thank you for the kiss."

Gina wasn't sure, but as she stood in the doorway staring at him, she thought she saw him smile.

* * *

**A/N - *fans self* Whoo! That got a bit hot! I hope you enjoyed it too! And yes, Gina and Kaidan have a slight D/s relationship. Nothing too extreme, but it's part of them.**


	29. Chapter 29

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – Thank you very much to everyone who read and reviewed the last chapter, especially to TLCinbflo, Jules Hawk, Kirsah, Jason Thursday, KirikaClyne, ela11, Simone the Reaper Hunter, Shegutz, BanaphoneBob, jediserenity82, N7xer00, bembem17, LiteratureDragon and the guests. I really,** _**really** _ **valued your comments on the last chapter because I was a bit nervous about introducing Kaidan and Shepard's relationship dynamic! So your words meant a lot!**

**I hope you enjoy this chapter!**

* * *

Kaidan slapped at his wrist in frustration as his omni-tool lit up and sounded a wake-up alarm. He'd barely slept a wink and he suspected he was in for a rough day. Grumbling, he dragged a hand across his face and knocked the blanket off his body as he sat up. His eyes were gritty and dry, his neck was tight with tension and his body hummed with excess biotic energy.

_Biotic energy?_  Kaidan scoffed at himself; the aching pulse in his body had little to do with his biotics and everything to do with his sexual frustration.

_Gina._

He groaned again as he remembered their dinner the night before and how easily she'd responded to him once she was in his arms. His fingers flexed in memory of the silky texture of her hair in his hands, the chocolatey taste of her lips and tongue against his, and how warm she'd been when he'd lain between her legs. The physical ache to be with her again had overrun his common sense and without even realising what he was doing he'd kissed her.

Touched her.

_Marked her._

Kaidan clenched his teeth at the memory of the sounds of pleasure she'd made, and forced himself up and out of his makeshift bed on the couch. He was hard and aching, and his member strained against his track pants. Frustrated he gathered up his bathroom gear and BDU's, and tried to ignore the incessant throbbing from his nether regions.

_You're a grown man for heaven's sake_ , Kaidan chastised himself silently _, not some over-sexed teenager!_

His body didn't listen though, and he prayed the showers were empty as he ducked out of his room and hurried down the hall.

They were.

"EDI?" Kaidan asked as he closed the door and set the room to ' _occupied'_. "Can you lock the door so I can have some privacy?"

The bathrooms were designed for multiple marines to use them at once, but given the skeleton crew of the Normandy he couldn't imagine anyone would begrudge him some privacy.

" _Certainly, Major Alenko."_

Kaidan frowned, if he didn't know any better he'd swear that EDI sounded smug and  _knowing_.

"Thanks."

He set his toiletries, towel and uniform on the ledge provided and activated the showers. The water poured down in a warm spray and steam began to fill the small bathroom. Kaidan stripped off and stepped under the water, letting the heat beat into muscles and ease the tension that buzzed through his body.

How had things spiralled out of control between himself and Shepard so fast last night? The dinner was supposed to be light and flirty, sure, but he hadn't been intending on letting things get so far out of hand. But when she'd kissed him for that chocolate he hadn't been able to help himself.

_Three years_ , a small voice in the back of his head reminded himself,  _it's been three years since you've been with Shepard._

Kaidan soaped up his hands and began to wash his body, cleaning away a night of frustration and longing. In the three years since Shepard had died he hadn't once been physically intimate with another woman. Oh, he'd toyed with going to an asari consort like Sha'ira to see what kind of comfort they could offer him, but every woman he'd become close to had inevitably felt  _wrong_.

_Because they weren't Gina._

He let his hand slip down between his legs, slick with soap, and began to pump his hand up and down his shaft in slow motions. How had he survived without her for the last three years? How had he ever fooled himself into believing that he could move on without her? He'd missed so much about her; the way she bit her lip when she was thinking hard, the way her freckles dusted across her cheeks like a fairy had casually scattered them mid-flight, or that adorable little breathy sound she made when she kissed him.

Kaidan groaned and closed his eyes as he began to pump faster, a tingling rush spreading across his skin as he ministered to himself. He could feel something akin to a biotic tingle racing through his body; from the soles of his feet right the tip of this fingers. As though his body were alive and burning. He tightened his grip and squeezed gently, imagining Gina's hands on his body and her mouth around him.

"Oh God," Kaidan muttered as his body tensed, a vision of Gina kneeling before him dancing through his mind.

The thought of kissing her under the shower, of sliding his hands over her curves as the water gushed around them, was too tempting, and Kaidan sank into the fantasy as he touched himself. She'd kiss her way down his chest, her lips and tongue soft against his body, then she'd kneel and take him into the warm velvety depths of her mouth. At first she'd be slow and gentle, licking and sucking his head, before she drew him deeper into her mouth, sucking hard and fast as she watched him through sexy green eyes.

His orgasm took him by surprise and the room blazed blue as his biotics crackled to life around him. Kaidan closed his eyes as he spilled his release, his body shaking as he braced one hand against the wall when his legs trembled. A sense of guilt for using Shepard as some sort of fantasy material swept over him as soon as he opened his eyes and began to clean himself off, soaping and rinsing his entire body.

He let the water wash over him when he was done, and drew in a deep breath as he let his head rest against the side of the shower cubicle. The guilt still lingered around the edges of his mind and he chased it away with annoyance. He  _loved_  Gina, and after last night he was certain she felt the same way about him - or damned close to it. But as much as he loved her and wanted that emotional closeness back, it had been three years since he'd been physically intimate with a woman and the sexual frustration was making itself felt.

With a sigh he shut off the water and grabbed his towel to dry himself. Minutes later he was dressed and with a final glance in the mirror he gathered his belongings and took them back to his room. He felt a little more awake after his shower and he certainly felt less frustrated. Though whether that was because of the shower of the  _self-care_  he'd administered he wasn't sure. Either way, his body was humming pleasantly with biotics instead of with frustration.

He'd take it.

His stomach rumbled loudly, protesting it's empty state, and Kaidan headed for the mess. A few soldiers were still eating breakfast and he nodded politely at some of them as he collected a tray and helped himself to the morning's rations – some kind of cereal with milk substitute. He wrinkled his nose with distaste as he spooned it into his tray and made sure to snag extra ration bars and energy gels for himself since he doubted breakfast would be very edible.

He sat himself down at a table and was working up his courage to take a bite when Jack appeared next to him.

"Hey, soldier boy," she drawled, carelessly dropping her ration tray next to his as she planted herself on the bench. "Where's the princess this morning?"

Mystified Kaidan stared at her in confusion; her rations had slopped over the edge of the tray and were dripping on the table. The milk substitute had formed a pale white puddle and brown chunks of cereal sat marooned in the centre like islands.

"Sorry?" He dragged his attention away from the mess and looked up into her face.

She looked smugly amused.

"Don't play coy." She crammed a large spoonful of cereal into her mouth, chewing noisily and swallowing. "I know you had dinner with Shepard last night. I thought you two lovebirds would still be at it this morning."

Kaidan raised his eyebrows, reading between the lines at what she was implying. "We had dinner," he confirmed, "but I have no idea where she is this morning."

The biotic let out a bark of laughter. "What happened? Did you strike out? I thought you two hooking up was a sure thing."

Her attitude grated along Kaidan's nerves like nails on a chalk board and he swallowed his automatic reply that it was none of her business. He was going to be working with her and that would be a lot easier if they got along. Training these kids would be a million times harder if they thought he and Jack were in competition with each other.

"Not going to answer, huh?" Jack scooped up another huge spoonful of the soggy cereal. "Whatever. But I know Shepard; she had a photo of you sitting on her desk for the entire time we were working with Cerberus. She's got it bad."

The knowledge that Shepard had kept a photo of him even after his verbal tirade on Horizon sent a warm flush through his body. They'd always been passionate as a couple and after the previous night it was clear that the fire between them burned as brightly as ever. But it wasn't just a physical relationship that he wanted; he wanted Shepard to be with him again in every sense of the word, and her keeping a photo gave him hope that she still cared.

_Of course she cares!_  He admonished himself sharply,  _Gina wouldn't have let things go so far last night if she wasn't still ... ._

Still what? In love with him? His heart constricted and Kaidan struggled to keep his emotions from flowing across his face. He wanted her to love him every bit as much as he loved her.

"I get that this is probably just some light entertainment to you," Kaidan said quietly as he nudged his cereal with his spoon. "But it's really not your concern what we do and I'd appreciate if you cut the teasing."

She blinked, momentarily thrown, and then laughed. "Did I hit a sore point?" Her smile was almost malicious, and Kaidan wondered if she was still angry at him for catching her in a Stasis. "It's a small ship, soldier boy. Lots of gossip. You should get used to it."

The happy feeling he'd experienced at the thought of Gina being in love with him rapidly faded under Jack's needling. He set his spoon down and looked at her, recognising the smug look of satisfaction on her face; she thought she had him riled up. He'd seen the same look on Vyrnnus' face at BAaT whenever he knew he was upsetting one of the students.

He smiled, determined to stay cool, and leaned forward. "Yes it is," he agreed, "and believe me when I say that if I hear that any of the gossip about Shepard and I is coming from you, I'll change my mind about having you and the students on board and we'll drop you off at the Citadel the first chance we get."

Her smile vanished and she scowled, her eyes uncertain. "You wouldn't dare! Shepard wouldn't let you!"

"Wouldn't she?" He leaned back in his chair and smiled. "Do you really want to take that risk?"

For a moment Jack glared at him and Kaidan felt her biotics pulse around her as she struggled to keep her temper in check.

Then, inexplicably, she laughed.

"You need to take that pole out of your ass and relax." Jack's biotics grated sharply against his; an uncomfortable sensation, but not an aggressive one. "Lucky for you I'm not into gossip, but I might be developing a fondness for riling up Alliance officers." She winked at him as she resumed shovelling cereal into her mouth, the tension between them draining away.

Kaidan chuckled wryly, recognising a tactical retreat when he saw one. "If you want to rile me up, you'll have to try harder than that."

"You're not the one I'm trying to rile up." Her smile widened and she nodded her head towards the medbay. "There's my real target. But you're not bad practice."

Gina was standing with Liara just outside the medbay and was watching them with an odd expression on her face. When she noticed them watching her she leaned over to say something quiet to Liara and then vanished into the medbay. Kaidan wondered what Gina had said; she'd looked embarrassed.

Something about him?

"Good morning, Jack, Kaidan." Liara nodded at them both as she sat down and folded her hands neatly on the table in front of her, smiling broadly.

_Someone was in a good mood_ , Kaidan thought as he finished chewing and swallowed before he nodded politely and wished her a good morning.

"Liara," Jack mumbled in between spoonfuls of cereal.

"I hear your dinner with Shepard went well," the asari said conversationally, her luminous blue eyes pinning him to the spot. "Not that she shared any details with me, but she seemed happy and that's ... ." Liara seemed to struggle with words for a moment before she shrugged and added, "That's  _good_."

Before Kaidan could respond, Jack laughed and dropped her spoon into the milk substitute, splashing more onto the table. Liara drew back with a look of distaste that Kaidan sympathised with.

"See?" Jack nudged Kaidan with an elbow. "I told you it was a small ship!"

Liara blinked, clearly curious, and Kaidan sighed and explained, "I asked Jack not to spread gossip about the Commander and I."

"And I told him that people were going to gossip. Like you just did." The biotic woman picked up her spoon and chased an elusive chunk of cereal through her milk. "Though, he and Shepard aren't the only ones being gossiped about, are they?"

Kaidan blinked as Liara's cheeks warmed to a lavender and her eyes widened.

"What is  _that_  supposed to me?" she demanded sharply.

Jack shrugged and gave up on her cereal. "Nothing, it's a small ship and people talk. Especially about you two." She indicated Liara and Kaidan with a grin. "Love Triangles are all the rage at the moment."

"Love triangles?" Liara gasped and looked horrified. "I have no idea what you're talking about!"

"Ignore her," Kaidan advised. "She's having fun at our expense."

Jack laughed. "Am I?"

She stood up and abandoned her tray on the table, evidently happy with the mischief she'd managed, and walked away with a sexy hip-swaying saunter that Kaidan was sure had every man in the mess except for him hypnotised. Liara frowned as the biotic walked away and Kaidan struggled not to laugh. Evidently Jack  _did_  like stirring people up – the more the merrier.

"I do not like that woman," Liara bit out eventually, turning her gaze back to Kaidan. "I care for Shepard, I've never hidden that, but I'm not some petty maiden who's going to try to come between the two of you. Unless you hurt her again, that is."

Kaidan grinned and waved her concerns away; he was pretty sure she was making a joke. "I wouldn't worry about it. You and Shepard are friends and I know you just want what's best for her. As for Jack." He cast his gaze after her and shrugged. "I'm still figuring her out."

"You know Shepard recruited her from a  _prison_  ship, don't you? You should  _see_  her file." She looked at disgust at the mess Jack had left on the table, as though it was yet another crime she'd committed. "I'm still struggling to understand how the Alliance allowed her to work with  _children_."

That he could agree with, but Jack appeared to be good with the students and her rebellious 'in your face' attitude worked with them. He'd have given anything to have been taught by someone like her when he was in training; she knew her stuff  _and_  she was someone a young person could relate to.

"I'm sure they had her reasons," he told her affably, abandoning his cereal as he saw Shepard come out of the medbay. He drew in a quick breath and looked Liara squarely in the eyes. "There's something I want to say, and I feel that I should have said it earlier but I didn't know how." Kaidan hesitated for a moment and then spat it out. "Thank you. Thank you for getting her back."

Liara jolted, surprised, and straightened in her seat.

"What I said to you on Mars, how I reacted, that wasn't fair of me. You were right; you did what nobody else could have done  _and_  you got her back, and I'm grateful for that. More than you could ever know." Kaidan watched Gina approach them, her short wavy red hair catching the light. "I know you and I haven't always seen eye to eye when it comes to her, but I am grateful to you, and I wanted you to know that."

Liara glanced down and heaved a sigh, seeming to struggle with something before she looked up and nodded. "Thank you, Kaidan. I never thought I'd hear that from you."

Shepard reached them and neither one of them said anything else as their Commander paused by their table. "Am I interrupting?" she asked, glancing from one to the other.

Liara shook her head. "No, Shepard."

Kaidan nodded an affirmative.

"Good. We're coming up on Utuku now," she told them. "I want both of you on the ground team with me. This is a great chance to take some of the kids with us too and see how they go in a real combat situation."

"Is that wise?" Kaidan asked, pocketing the protein bars and gels as he stood up. "You said the rachni might be involved?"

Shepard shrugged as Liara got to her feet. "I don't think any mission we go on during the war is going to be particularly safe. At least here we're being dropped into a situation with a team of Krogan warriors to back us up."

"When you put it like that, it's an ideal situation." Kaidan agreed with a grin.

He carried his tray to the kitchen and walked with Shepard to the elevator while Liara ducked into her room to retrieve some tech. Gina looked lovely as she walked next to him and Kaidan struggled to keep his eyes off her, or to stop his thoughts from wandering back to his fantasy earlier in the day. Did she think about him like that? Touch herself while thinking of him? The thought gave him goose bumps and he shivered as he held the door to the elevator for her.

She brushed her hair to the side as she entered and his gut squeezed as he saw the bruise on her neck from his love bite. The door swished closed behind them and there was a light jolt as the elevator began to descend. Without stopping to think about what he was doing, Kaidan reached out and pressed the button to halt the elevator between floors.

Shepard looked up at him, frowning. "Kaidan, what- ?"

"EDI? Can you give us some privacy for a few minutes?" he asked, interrupting her with a small smile.

" _Of course, Major."_

Shepard shook her head and chuckled. "We have a mission to get to, you know!"

"I know," he told her, stepping close and brushing her hair to the side so he could look at his mark on her. It stirred things low in his body to see it there, and he cleared his throat to try and hide the effect it had on him. "But I think they can spare us for just a few minutes."

She blushed and brushed her hair back over the mark. "A few minutes huh? That's ambitious."

Kaidan raised an eyebrow, refusing to rise to her bait any more than he had Jack's. "I just wanted a moment alone with you."

"Well, you have me all to yourself." Gina stepped close and slid her hands over her shoulders. "What is it you wanted,  _Major_?"

The way she said his rank, in that throaty purr, sent a ripple down his spine and Kaidan linked his arms loosely around her waist. "Just a question. A clarification, really."

"Go on." She went up on her tiptoes and looked into his face.

"What are we to each other?" he asked. "If people ask me, what do I say?"

Gina went still under his hands and Kaidan waited, aware that this was a sensitive question.

"I'm not pushing for anything," he clarified. "But I need to know what  _this_  is?"

Shepard swallowed hard and nodded, her green eyes suddenly unsure. "I'm not sure," she confessed. "Last night meant a lot to me." Her blush deepened and Kaidan's heart contracted at the vulnerability that danced across her face. "I want this to mean something to us both."

"It does," Kaidan reassured her. "You and me, what we are, means the world to me. That's why I need to know if this, us, is real? Are we together? Are we dating? Is this official?" He rubbed hand across the back of his neck and swallowed a nervous laugh. "I feel like a teenage boy asking his girlfriend to go steady, but dammit Shepard; I need to know."

She laughed and her hands tightened on his shoulders as she went up on her toes and kissed him, her lips teasing his apart. She slid her tongue across his lower lip and then pulled back, a lovely smile on her face.

"Going steady, huh?" she repeated softly. "I think I can agree to that. We still need to take things slowly, but I want us to be something safe and real."

Kaidan bent his head and claimed her lips as words failed him, happiness buzzing through his veins as their biotics meshed and mingled with the kiss. It was like her power reached inside and touched parts of him that her hands couldn't reach; a gentle warmth that made his knees weak. When he broke the kiss and drew back her cheeks were flushed, but she looked thrilled and incredibly happy.

"EDI, we're good to get moving again," he told the ship as Shepard took his hand and squeezed it tightly, dropping it as the door slid open.

The shuttle bay was buzzing with activity; Jack and James were with the biotic students giving Rodriguez and Prangley a pep talk. Cortez was near the shuttle, fiddling with one of the stabilizers, and several other marines were busying themselves around the shuttle bay with various repairs and duties.

"You know," Kaidan murmured in her ear as she hesitated before stepping out. "I have admit that I  _love_  seeing my mark on your neck. It's incredibly sexy."

Gina made a small noise and turned to look at him, her face a mixture of amusement and annoyance. "How on Earth am I supposed to concentrate on the mission when you go around saying things like that to me?"

He chuckled and stepped off the elevator with her. "An iron will?" he suggested.

She snorted. "You're a lot of help."

"I live to please, ma'am."

* * *

**A/N – Gosh I love these two - I hope you're enjoying their story too!**


	30. Chapter 30

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – Thank you very much to everyone who read and reviewed the last chapter! It's good to know I'm not the only one who loves their Shenko goodness! Enjoy this chapter and (in a fit of shameless self-promotion) I'm written some oneshot fics in the last couple of weeks which you guys might enjoy. One is Vega/femShep and one is a Kaidan/femShep/Vega poly fic.**

**Enjoy this chapter! A big hug if you get my lame movie reference! :D**

* * *

Utukku stretched out around Kaidan; a barren world that, as far as he could see, consisted of sand, rock and little else. The air smelled sour and unpleasant, and he wrinkled his nose as the breeze blew another pungent gust over him. He couldn't put his finger on why, but the planet felt  _wrong_ , and the huge cluster of krogan soldiers that had set up base camp nearby didn't do much to settle his nerves.

They milled about loading thermal clips into weapons and growling to each other in low voices; all battle hardened soldiers who were throwing hostile glances in their direction. Kaidan drew himself upright under the weight of their glances, he had the distinct feeling that the krogan were not happy about humans crashing their rachni hunting party.

"Shepard?" A booming krogan voice echoed from the throng, and Kaidan turned with the rest of the shore party to see who it was.

He did a double take.

The krogan was  _huge_ , by far one of the largest he had ever seen, and he wasn't too proud to admit that he felt a little uneasy as the huge male barrelled towards them, his silvery armour glinting in the sun. He shoved other armoured krogans aside, ignoring their unhappy grunts as he finally broke free from the crowd and let out a decidedly happy bellow.

 _Happy? A krogan?_  Kaidan blinked in surprise.

"Shepard!" The krogan's mouth stretched into what appeared to be a genuinely delighted smile.

"Grunt!" Gina laughed and strode forward to clasp the huge Krogan's hand. They came together with a clunk of armour in a chest hug and Kaidan watched, bemused, as the krogan picked her up and twirled her in the air. When he set her down again she took a step back and looked up into his face with a grin. "What are you doing here?"

He puffed his chest out proudly and nodded over his shoulder at the other krogan. "I lead Aralakh Company."

"You lead them?" She sounded impressed and Kaidan momentarily became distracted by the way the krogan visibly preened at her surprise. "Did you have any trouble getting the veterans to fall in line? I hear Aralakh Company is one of the best?"

"It  _is_ the best!" he corrected her gruffly. "A few of the oldies got their humps all worked up when Wrex put me in charge, but they backed off after I put the first two who questioned my authority in the infirmary."

She shook her head. "Subtle as always, Grunt."

He chuckled and turned his eyes on the rest of the ground team. Kaidan found himself straightening under the krogan's scrutiny, and he wondered how Shepard was acquainted with him. Beside him, Prangley and Rodriguez shuffled uncomfortably and he glanced at them. Had they never come face to face with a krogan warrior before?

"These are some of the Normandy's new crew; Spectre Kaidan Alenko, Doctor Liara T'Soni, and ensigns Prangley and Rodriguez." She waved them down and Kaidan squared his shoulders as he walked forward and held out his hand.

Grunt looked at him curiously for a second and made a scoffing sound. "He's the one in that photo you had, isn't he?"

Kaidan raised his eyebrows as Shepard cleared her throat and nodded, a faint blush creeping across her cheeks. "Yes, that's him."

"Hmrph," the krogan narrowed his eyes and took Kaidan's hand, tightening his fingers in a crushing grip. He managed not to flinch as Grunt gave him a hard look and then let go. He shook Liara's hand without comment and then glared at the students. " _More_  kids, Shepard?"

" _More kids_?" Kaidan repeated curiously to Liara, who shrugged.

Shepard turned to look at him, still blushing faintly. "Grunt here was birthed on the Normandy. He's my boy."

Grunt growled. "You're my battle master, not my mother."

"Whatever you say, dear." She clapped him on the shoulder and turned to look at the mouth of a nearby cave as she continued speaking. "These two are students from Grissom Academy, biotic specialists. We thought we'd bring them along for some ground experience."

The krogan sobered and considered the students again. "They'll get experience, all right. Rachni don't mess around."

"Rachni?" Shepard frowned and Kaidan felt the tingle of biotics as she flared slightly. "Are you certain about that?"

"Pretty sure." The krogan fell into soldier mode, his smile vanishing as he led them to the mouth of the cave and gestured. "One of our scout teams vanished while investigating reports of rachni. No sign of them or of the rachni, but this entire planet stinks like bugs."

"It's an ugly planet," Shepard agreed. "A bug planet."

Kaidan peered into the darkness; there was something unsettling about the missing scout team and the rachni reports, and the planet  _did_  feel wrong. He couldn't have explained it if he tried, but from the moment he'd set foot ground side he'd had the same creepy feeling as on Noveria all those years ago. A shivery uncomfortable feeling that marched across his skin like ants.

Shepard and Grunt were right; the planet  _felt_  infested.

He could feel it.

"I hope it is the rachni," Grunt told her, slamming his fists together as he growled in excitement. "They're a worthy enemy."

Gina raised an eyebrow and shook her head. "Worthy? You've never faced them before. Liara, Kaidan and I have. They're not a worthy enemy so much as a virtually unstoppable one."

"Not for Aralakh Company." The krogan dismissed her concern with a airy wave of his hand and stepped back from the cave entrance. "And worthy or not, we're ready to move out whenever you are. So long as these pups don't get in the way." He stared at the students and Prangley glared back at him - a daring and stupid move.

Kaidan cleared his throat. "They won't," he assured him.

"If you say so," Grunt growled and peered at the dark interior of the cave again. "This cave system has two entrances. You and your team take this entrance and I'll take my troops to the other in case the rachni try to flee."

The krogan moved off, roaring orders at his troops while Shepard turned to face her team.

"Kaidan, I want you at our six with Prangley and Rodriguez. Liara and I will take point. If things get hairy I want the kids in cover using their biotics to support us while we move into a triangle formation. Me on point, you and Liara at three and nine o'clock respectively."

"Sounds good, Shepard." Kaidan nodded and turned to face the students. "Did you catch that?"

"Yes, sir." Rodriguez nodded and clutched her assault rifle tighter.

Prangley nodded without enthusiasm and Kaidan wondered if the boy had been expecting action today instead of a support role. He looked disappointed and petulant as he fiddled with his thermal clips and scuffed one boot on the ground.

Kaidan frowned; for a student who apparently had an aptitude for leadership he sure wasn't acting like it.

Shepard tapped his shoulder. "Let's go, Spectre Alenko."

"Lead the way, Spectre Shepard." He put the problem of Prangley at the back of his mind and fell in behind Shepard. "Check your weapons," Kaidan reminded the kids as they tramped through the sand to the mouth of the cave, their boots sinking in almost to the ankles. "Thermal clips loaded and ready."

"Yes, sir," Prangley and Rodriguez responded in unison.

They were flushed, nervously excited, and Kaidan frowned as their biotic fields fluttered against his. Had they been members of his spec ops squad he would have barked at them to pull their biotics in and use some control, but they were kids. It was natural for a soldier to be nervous on their first mission, and nervous biotics often inadvertently flared. Still, it was distracting and he needed to be focused if they were potentially facing rachni.

Liara stayed beside Shepard as they advanced deeper into the cave system, the air growing warm and moist as the gloom engulfed them. It wasn't as dark as Kaidan had expected it be; evidently a luminescent fungus grew on the walls that emitted a faint blue glow. He moved lightly as they pressed forward, staying alert for danger and aware of the students moving with him, their biotics fields humming gently.

"Hold up." Shepard's voice, soft, floated out of the murky dark in front of him and Kaidan stopped while she crouched and looked at something. He heard a click as she activated her headset. "Grunt? I found one of your missing scouts - dead. It's rachni all right."

Kaidan couldn't hear Grunt's reply, but he heard Shepard pick something up. She flicked on a torch and he saw her looking at a weapon - a Firestorm. It made sense. If the krogan had expected to be facing rachni they would have brought a heavy fire based weapon.

"The scout leader sent his men into the caves carrying weapons. They sacrificed themselves so the next team could make it further into the caves." There was a pause as Shepard stowed her pistol and checked the Firestorm's energy cells. "I'm going to keep going. Be careful on your end."

Whatever Grunt said in reply made her chuckle, but her good humor dried up when the first scuttling sound reached their ears. Kaidan tensed, straining to hear where the noises were coming from.

"Let's keep moving," Shepard whispered loudly enough for Kaidan to hear. "Keep it silent. I don't want to alert whatever is up ahead that we're coming."

Kaidan nodded, hoping the movement was visible in the dim light as they moved on. Their footfalls were quiet, muffled, but they still echoed around them dully. Other sounds were audible the further they went into the caves; the sound of running water, a faint skittering sound, and distant howling shrieks that sent shivers down Kaidan's spine.

_Husks._

Shepard pulled up short as the tunnel widened into a cavern that glowed brightly with the luminescent fungus. She took cover behind a boulder and gestured for Kaidan to join her as she whispered something to Liara. The asari nodded and joined the students who stayed in the relative darkness of the tunnel.

"Husks," she murmured quietly, peering over the top of the rock. "And a ton of reaper tech."

Kaidan risked a quick look over the boulder and frowned at what he saw. Husks stood motionless in the cavern, like automations who's batteries had worn down, but they weren't what drew his attention. A creature that looked like a mutated rachni, hugely swollen and with bristling with mounted weapons, ambled back and forth near, of all things, a barrier engine.

He frowned;  _something was wrong._

The cavern was set up defensively, as though to stop people getting through. Which meant there was something they were protecting.

"What the heck is that thing?" He asked, his eyes fastened on the rachni-creature as it waddled around on it's crab-like legs.

Shepard shrugged. "A reaperfied rachni called a ravager; we encountered some of them on Tuchanka."

"Is it possible that the reapers got to the rachni queen you set free?"

"Maybe. The queen promised to find a remote planet and keep her head down, but who knows what happened." She sighed and scrubbed her face. "Maybe she joined them of her own free will. I don't know."

Kaidan dropped back down behind the rock. "What's the plan?"

She thought for a moment, tugging on her lower lip. "I want you to take out that barrier engine; it'll cause problems for us if we can't get it down. Ravagers are basically heavy artillery with sniping abilities, so don't break cover and tell your students to keep their barriers up. Liara and I will circle around so we can flank them."

"I'll pass it on." Kaidan nodded and crept back to the cave entrance, relaying Shepard's orders to the others.

Liara immediately nodded and joined Shepard, her face focused with a drive that he wasn't used to seeing. The young innocent scientist who still peeked out of her eyes on the Normandy vanished completely under combat conditions. Whatever Liara had seen and done in the past few years had changed her. She seemed older, darker and ruthless as she followed Shepard into the cavern, moving silently from rock to rock.

Kaidan pulled his assault rifle and activated his barrier, wisps of blue dancing over his armour. He prepared an Overload and moved forward into position, ready for Shepard's signal to start the attack. If they were lucky this would be over quickly and they could find out what the troops were protecting.

"Kaidan?" Shepard's voice crackled through his earpiece. "Let's do this."

He narrowed his eyes and peeked over the rock. "With pleasure."

His tech attack shorted the barrier and it exploded, bursts of sparks and tendrils of biotic energy rippling out through the air. The husks shrieked and came to life as the Overload shattered the cave's silence. They hunched over and ran back and forth in short bursts as they hunted for the cause of the explosion; their blackened skin glistening as they splashed through the water of the damp cave, peering this way and that through empty glowing eyes.

Kaidan raised his gun, preparing to take one out when the husk nearest him exploded in a spray of black blood as it was sniped from a distance. The other husks began to shriek and howl loudly, and as one they turned and loped in the other direction, their claw-like hands stretched in front of them. Liara caught a handful of them in a singularity and they thrashed as they were lifted from their feet, a hail of bullets smacking into them.

Kaidan popped up up from his cover and fired on the ravager, raining bullets on it. His initial attack did nothing aside from give away his position and the creature turned in his direction, a piercing whistle cutting through the air as it sighted a lazer on him. Before it could target him properly a biotic attack smashed into it, staggering it sideways, and its bloated abdomen split open and spilled a black wave of small bugs on the ground.

Kaidan cursed and emptied his thermal clip into the ravager. Finally it fell, and he leapt back as the first of the tiny bug-creatures reached him. It curled up, shuddered and exploded in a spray of acid, splashing on to the rock he had so recently been hiding behind.

"Take them out!" He called back to the students as he retreated, using a reave to kill the nearest wave.

The students used a series of small, precise attacks on the remaining bugs, then they moved forward together, crossing the cave to help take out the last of the husks. Prangley moved ahead and used a slam to knock a husk into the wall of the cavern. It slumped to the ground, momentarily stunned, but quickly pulled itself back to its feet.

Prangley fumbled, almost dropping his weapon, and his momentary lapse of attention was enough for the creature to launch itself at him.

Kaidan flung out a stasis and caught it, but too late he saw the other husks clamouring down the walls from above. Two of them flung themselves off the wall and latched onto Prangley who screamed as he was pulled to the floor. The other husks scuttled down the rock wall and ran screeching for Kaidan and Rodriguez, their inhuman howls sending a bolt of fear through him.

He'd never get used to husks.

"Shit!" Kaidan threw up a barrier as Rodriguez stumbled behind him. "Shepard! Prangley's been swarmed and I can't get to him."

He fired at the husks as he shielded Rodriguez, keeping her safely behind him; the girl was terrified and he couldn't blame her - the husks were vicious as they rushed forward. Gritting his teeth, Kaidan poured his power into his barrier to hold them at bay, gasping when his biotics unexpectedly strengthened as Rodriguez used her biotics to reinforce his. It was a strange feeling to have someone else's power flowing through him, almost invasive, and he had to force himself to stay focused.

"Shit!" Shepard's voice crackled in his earpiece, drowning out the howls of the husks and the sharp rattle of his assault rifle. "I'm on it."

One of the husks went down, its grey skin bursting like an overripe melon, and Kaidan drew in his biotic energy. He gathered it into an attack, and shuddered as Rodriguez's power joined with his again. Her energy was different to his; weaker, fuzzier, but somehow sharper. It tingled along his arms and down his fingertips as he flared and sent out a  _Throw_ , catching the final husk and smashing it into the wall.

Its head snapped sideways and it flopped to the ground.

He whirled around to find Shepard and Prangley meters away, the two husks lying prone beside them. To his surprise, Shepard was kneeling on the ground with one hand to her face, blood running thickly down her neck. The younger student was sprawled on the ground too, his eyes wide and terrified as he stared at the dead husks.

Rodriguez pushed past Kaidan and helped Prangley up, but the boy pushed her away and blushed furiously; embarrassed that she was helping him

"Are you okay?" The student asked Shepard, swallowing hard as he looked from her to the husks. "That husk got you right in the face."

"Yeah," Gina muttered as she held slowly got to her feet, one eye shut in pain. "I'm feeling great."

Kaidan hurried to her side, already reaching inside one of his pouches for medigel. He pulled her hand away from her face and recoiled slightly when he saw the wound; it stretched from her cheekbone down to her chin and was so deep that her cybernetics were visible. For a moment he just stared at the glowing orange implants in shock, his chest tightening as he wondered how much of her was like that beneath the skin.

The thought hurt and he flinched and shoved it away.

"Oh my God!" Prangley paled as he saw the injury. "Your face is glowing. Like theirs." He pointed at the dead husks.

Kaidan silently winced, and his heart broke as Gina recoiled away from them and covered her wound back up with her hand.

He turned to the boy. "Commander Shepard has cybernetic implants," he snapped, trying hard not to sound like the defensive boyfriend that he was. "She is not like  _them_."

Prangley blinked several times and his mouth opened in an 'O' as he realised what he'd said. "I didn't meant that," he stammered. "I just saw the glowing light and I thought-"

Rodriguez seized his arm and dragged him away. "Shut up, Prangley. Come on, let's help Doctor T'soni scan the bodies."

Kaidan watched them go and then turned back to Gina. She was staring at the husks Prangley had pointed to, her face guarded and unreadable.

"Gina-"

"Give me the medigel," she interrupted quietly, avoiding his eyes as she held out a hand.

Kaidan shook his head. "I better look at it first. It looked deep and it might need proper medical attention back on the Normandy."

"No." She shied out of reach and he saw her throat move as she swallowed hard. "I don't want you to see," she whispered quietly, her voice small.

Kaidan took a deep breath and took her chin in one hand, tilting her face up so he could meet her eyes. "I don't care," he told her honestly. "It's  _just_  cybernetics. You're  _not_  like a husk."

Her eyes dropped to the ground and then back to his, fear and anxiety lingering in their depths. "On Mars-"

"Forget Mars," he told her gently as he loosened her hand and drew it away from her wound. "I was an idiot and I said a lot of stuff I regret. Let me help you. Please."

Her gaze burned into his, painfully vulnerable, and slowly, without breaking eye contact, she nodded and let her hand fall away. "Okay."

Kaidan nodded reassuringly and tilted her head to the side so he could get a better look at the cut. It was a deep ragged slice, caused by a husks claws no doubt. Orange cybernetics glowed in the wound, angry and raw. She winced as he probed the edge of it with the tips of his fingers, checking for any foreign objects before he tore open the medigel and began to apply it.

When he was satisfied he pulled out his small first aid kit and applied a patch over the top of it, pressing down to seal the wound. The entire process took only a few minutes and by the time they were finished Liara and the students re-joined them. Her hand found his when he was done, squeezing briefly before she dropped back into  _Commander_   _Shepard_  mode.

She spared Prangley the briefest glance as she drew her gun again and nodded in the direction they needed to go. "Let's get moving."

No one argued with her as they set off across the cave, but Kaidan couldn't shake the tension in his chest as he followed them. Her cybernetics didn't bother him in the least, though they'd certainly rattled him. No, what was eating away at him was the horrible feeling he had that Gina had been waiting for  _him_  to say something hurtful too.

It was a horrible thought, but try as he might, Kaidan couldn't shake it.

* * *

**A/N – I hope you enjoyed this chapter - the next chapter is going to be good and should be out soon!**


	31. Chapter 31

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – Well, this is a rather special chapter. Something big happens. Something huge. I hope you all like it since Kaidan took it upon himself to completely take over the chapter and do as he pleased. But, well, I think you'll like it. Enjoy!**

* * *

Kaidan clung to the handhold on the roof of the shuttle as Cortez lifted off, carrying them away from the nightmarish world below. Utukku was infested with reapers, and the rachni queen that Shepard had saved all those years ago had been a prisoner; helpless and trapped by the machines. Choosing to save the queen and rescue her from that hell had cost them Aralakh Company and had almost cost them Grunt's life.

The shuttle moved forward in a burst of speed and he glanced at the view screen. It showed a disorientating bird's eye view of the ground beneath them and images it flashed up were enough to turn his stomach. Thousands of reapers were swarming out of the tunnels; ravages, husks, cannibals and marauders. All of them furiously chasing after the shuttle as it shot off across the land and climbed steadily, leaving them behind.

He hoped the queen had managed to make it out as well, and that Aralakh Company's sacrifice hadn't been in vain.

"Kaidan? Can you check Grunt's vitals?" Shepard's voice, small and worried, broke into his thoughts and he glanced down at her.

She sat on the floor of the shuttle with Grunt's massive head cradled in her lap, holding onto his hand and looking for all the world like a concerned mother with a sick child. Kaidan dropped to his knees beside them and opened his omni-tool, scanning the giant krogan and frowning at the multiple injuries which flashed up. How anyone could survive these wounds, even a krogan, was beyond him.

"He's damned lucky to be alive," Kaidan muttered tightly as he administered medigel. "If krogan didn't have regenerative capabilities I don't think he would have made it back to the surface. As it is we need to get him to the Citadel as soon as possible. I mean, I'm not doctor, but not even a krogan will be able to heal this sort of damage without help."

Shepard nodded and swallowed hard, and Kaidan could almost see the cogs turning in her head as she levelled the blame for his injuries squarely on herself.

He closed up his omni-tool and turned his attention to her face, peeling back the pressure bandage and checking the wound underneath. She went still under his hands and he could feel her tensing as though readying to pull away, but she stayed still until he folded the covering back in place. Her synthetics were no longer visible in the wound, which meant it was closing up already.

"How's it looking?" she asked, adjusting her position on the floor so she was more comfortable.

"Better," Kaidan admitted, frowning as he settled himself on one of the drop seats opposite Prangley and Rodriguez. "You're healing much faster than I would have expected."

She smiled briefly, a humourless twist of her lips that was gone almost before he saw it. "Yeah, well Cerberus wanted to keep me in tip-top shape so they sprung for all the upgrades they could."

Prangley, who was watching their exchange leaned forward and shook off the hand Rodriguez had laid on his arm. "So you're, what, part  _machine_?" he asked.

Kaidan tensed, ready to defend Shepard if the boy laid it on too thick, but Gina seemed to take his question in her stride. She lay Grunt's hand down on his chest, and leaned back on one arm, considering the boy and mulling over her answer.

"About a third of me is synthetic," she eventually told him. "And on top of that I have bone and skin weaves for extra strength,  _and_  a healthy dose of nanites."

"Nanites?!" Prangley's eyebrows shot up and he straightened, clearly impressed. "You mean you have hundreds of tiny little robots running around inside of you?"

She grinned. "Millions actually. They take care of my synthetic organs and repair minor damage and injuries. They're handy, really."

Kaidan fought hard to control his surprise. He'd known a good portion of Shepard was synthetic, but he hadn't realised it was quite such a high percentage. Just how much of her had been …  _damaged_  … when Liara found her? He itched to ask her what parts of her were synthetic, but he knew that the question was too invasive and personal.

Prangley however, did not.

"So what was glowing under your face?" he demanded, frowning unhappily at his fellow student when she whispered something that sounded an awful lot like  _shut up_  to him _._  "And do you have synthetic limbs or is it just internal organs?

"Maybe you should mind your own business?" Liara interrupted, her tone firm and her eyes hard. "The Commander was nice enough to tolerate your questions, but I doubt she wants to give you a blow by blow run down of what parts of her are organic and which are not."

The boy shifted in his seat, apparently unhappy with being reprimanded.

"I'm just asking, is all," he muttered.

"It's fine," Gina told them firmly, her gaze sweeping around the shuttle and settling on Prangley. "It's only natural to be curious after seeing the implants, but I've told you all I'm going to. Suffice to say, my brain is still organic and the majority of my body is too. I'm assuming this is the end of the matter?"

He mumbled a reply and Shepard raised an eyebrow.

"I didn't catch that,  _Ensign_ ," she snapped, her tone so sharp and hard that, even sitting sprawled on the floor with a krogan in her lap, the air of command was unmistakable.

Prangley sat bolt upright at the drill-sergeant voice and cleared his throat. "Yes, Commander."

Kaidan grinned and didn't bother to hide it as he crossed the shuttle and began to check Rodriguez over. The girl had some minor lacerations, but had come through the fighting without any serious injuries. He gave her a thumbs up and patted her on the shoulder, making a mental note to talk to her later about warning him before she joined his biotics with her next time.

The feeling of having someone else's power running through him had been unsettling and, on more than one level, incredibly invasive.

He moved onto Prangley, frowning as he noticed the scrapes and cuts on his neck from where the husks had gnawed on him. Some of them were deep and oozing blood, and Kaidan brought tup his omni-tool to give them a good can.

"I'm fine," Prangley said, waving away his omni-tool. "It's nothing."

Kaidan ignored him. "You got knocked around by two husks and they've opened you up pretty bad. That's not nothing."

His jaw tensed as Kaidan scanned him, but he said nothing else as he ran the checks. Prangley was evidently having a hard time adjusting to military life and not being the biggest fish in the pond anymore. The way he resented others helping him and his obvious embarrassment at being the only team member to get injured were all signs of someone whose pride had taken a serious hit.

_And_ , Kaidan thought in amusement as he watched Prangley's eyes flick to Gina,  _it probably hadn't helped that Commander Shepard had witnessed it happen._

He closed his omni-tool and tossed a pouch of medigel at Prangley. The boy caught it with fumbling hands and held it as though unsure of what to do with it.

"You're lucky," Kaidan told him. "The cuts aren't as bad as they look. Medigel will be enough to heal them up."

"Thanks." Prangley opened the pouch and began to clumsily apply it, though he looked anything but thankful.

Kaidan made another mental note to talk to Jack about him when they got back to the Normandy. His attitude needed a major adjustment if he planned to serve in the Alliance. He'd taken direction well enough on Utukku, but his attitude wasn't winning him any points and he  _had_  panicked when the husks jumped him. Hell, he hadn't even tried to use biotics to get them off, which was the first thing Kaidan would have expected any biotic to do.

The shuttle made it back to the Normandy in good time and Shepard excused the two biotic students, ordering them both to write up mission reports and to have them to her by the following day. Both of them looked devastated by the news and Kaidan struggled not to grin as he saw Rodriguez mouth the word ' _homework'_  to Prangley.

Kids, he realised, would always be kids – even in the middle of a war.

They took the semi-conscious Grunt up to the infirmary where Chakwas took care of him. She forced the protesting krogan onto a bed and threatened to strap him down if he tried to move. He had a great deal of internal trauma and she confirmed what Kaidan had already assumed; that he was lucky to be alive. Grunt had suffered so much damage that he would be incapable of healing much of it without assistance.

"So," Shepard asked as they strolled out of the infirmary. "What did you think of the kids today?"

"I think both have a lot of potential," Kaidan said honestly. "But-"

"I knew there was going to be a 'but'," Shepard interrupted, walking beside him as they headed back to his room in the observation lounge.

He glanced down at her as he opened the door and gestured for her to enter first. "Well, Prangley was a bit of a problem."

Shepard walked in and scooped up Nero as the furry feline tried to make a break through the open door. She cuddled him against her armour chest plate and turned to face him.

"A bit of a problem, huh?" Her lips curved into a smile as she stroked Nero and set him down once the door was closed. The cat shook ruffled fur and licked himself vigorously, as though affronted that she'd picked him up.

Kaidan scratched Nero's head and straightened. "His attitude was borderline belligerent. And what he said to you about being a husk-"

"Sounded a little familiar," she interrupted again, crossing the floor and planting herself in front of him. Kaidan swallowed as she linked her arms around his neck and raised an eyebrow. "I seem to you remember someone else comparing me to a husk not so long ago."

Heat rushed to his face and Kaidan swallowed as she looked up into his eyes, memories of Mars swirling unpleasantly through his mind.

"That was different," he muttered. "I didn't actually say you  _looked_  like a husk."

"No," she agreed. "You didn't. But you came damned close to it."

There was an edge of hurt to her voice that he couldn't ignore and Kaidan let one hand rest lightly on her hip and cupped her face with the other. He brushed his thumb across her lips and a flash of masculine pride thrummed through him when she shivered and pressed closer.

"I regret saying that more than you'll ever know," he told her quietly, his eyes dropping to her lips. He leaned forward and pressed his mouth lightly against hers; a mere brush of lips. She made a noise and her hands clutched at him as he pulled away. "I want you to know that I don't think you're a husk. I think you're beautiful and warm and  _alive_ , and I'm the luckiest man in the world to have you back again."

"Kaidan, I-"

He kissed her into silence and then let his forehead rest against hers, his heart thundering in his chest with all he wanted to say. "I don't care if you have implants or if your cybernetics show beneath your skin. I  _love_  you, Gina." His voice cracked with emotion, but he pressed on, the words tumbling out as though they had a mind of their own. "I love every single thing about you and it kills me to know that I hurt you."

Gina pulled back to look into his face, her eyes frantically searching his as though she didn't believe her own ears. "You still love me even though I'm … like  _this_?"

_How could she doubt it?_

"Of course I love you. I know I was an idiot and I handled  _everything_  badly, but you're  _you_. Cerberus brought you back, but you're the same Gina that I fell in love with."

She clung to him and buried her face in his neck, and Kaidan's heart broke a little as he felt the wetness of tears against his skin. For a long moment she stayed pressed against him, then she let out a small sob and her legs seemed to give way. Kaidan caught her as she sagged against him, her biotics tingling against his as her emotions set them off.

"I died," she whispered against him as she got her feet under her again. "How can I be the same person if I  _died_? I still feel the same and think the same, but how can I still be me if I died?"

Kaidan wrapped his arms around her tightly and crushed her to his chest, holding her as close as he possibly could. "I don't know how Cerberus did it, but if there is one thing in this world I know, it's you. You  _are_  Gina Shepard and I love you. I always have."

She lifted her head and kissed him then, eagerly pushing close as her hands fluttered over his armour. Her mouth opened against his, warm, welcoming, and Kaidan leaned into the kiss, groaning hungrily as her tongue slid against his. The same pent up desire he'd felt this morning reared it's head and the kiss became hotter, harder. He caught her lower lip in his teeth, biting gently and eliciting a low moan from her.

He slid his hands down her body, greedily, enjoying the contrast of the hard armour plating against the softness of her undersuit. The desire to feel her skin against his, to make them into one person, flashed through him and he brought his hands up, fumbling for the release catch on her armour.

"Kaidan!" Gina mumbled his name against his lips, her back arching as she gasped and exposed her throat to him. "I want you. I want-"

He didn't let her finish as he kissed his way along her jaw and down her throat, sucking gently and then harder as he grazed his teeth against her skin. He knew exactly what she wanted. It was the same thing he wanted; to be together again.

A loud crash shattered the charged atmosphere of the room and the two of them leapt apart like guilty teenagers. Kaidan looked wildly about the room and fastened his gaze on the smashed glass which lay on the floor; broken glass and water glistening in the light. Nero sat on the side table where the glass had been sitting, innocently cleaning one paw, his eyes closed into cute little half-moons.

Gina laughed and stumbled back to fall on the couch, her face flushed and her eyes still shiny with tears. Kaidan followed and dropped down beside her, silently cursing the damned cat for his actions. Although, given how emotional Gina looked, maybe it was for the best. The two of them getting swept away on emotion and physical need wasn't going to solve all of their problems, and he wanted, no –  _needed_  – for her to feel safe and loved by him again.

"Sorry about that," he muttered wryly as the cat jumped off the table and strutted over to his food bowl where he pointedly sat down and stared at him.

She grinned and wiped her eyes. "That's okay. I guess that's Nero's way of reminding us to go slow, huh?"

Kaidan took her hand and brought it to her lips. "Yeah, must be. It can't just be that the cat is a jerk who likes breaking stuff."

Gina giggled and kissed his cheek, then snuggled against him and let her head rest on his shoulder. "I love you too, you know," she told him conversationally, her voice so casual Kaidan knew the comment was anything but. "Even when you broke my heart and I hated you, I still loved you."

Relief flooded through him, chasing away a tension he hadn't even realised he was feeling.

_She loves me._

Kaidan slid an arm around her shoulders and dropped a kiss on top of her head as a warmth spread through him. "You have no idea how much it means to hear that, Gina."

"I should have said something earlier," she sighed quietly. "But I was worried about making a fool of myself and," There was a pause as she drew in a deep breath. "It's hard to believe someone can love me when part of me is still worried that I'm less then human."

"Well don't. You're human and you're the woman that I love-" Kaidan was interrupted as Nero mewled again, loudly insistently, and he sighed and pushed off the couch. "I need to feed him."

She nodded, looking amused. "Yeah, and I should go down and report to Jack on how the students went today. I'll pass on your concerns about Prangley. It's a pity, he did quite well today other than the attitude."

Kaidan crossed the room to where he kept the cat food and Nero wound around his legs, whinging loudly about his hunger. "I think he was embarrassed by the screaming and the flailing," he told her as he reached down for the kibble. "And with  _you_  seeing him like that."

Gina blinked in surprise. "Me?"

"I think he might have a little crush," he told her as he poured food into a bowl and set it on the floor. "Or at the very least he might have a slight case of hero worship."

She rolled her eyes. "After his husk comment today, I'm thinking it's less of a crush and more a case of a teenage boy being embarrassed in front of adults he was trying to impress. No everyone is as enamoured of me as you are, Kaidan Alenko."

Kaidan walked back and reached a hand down, pulling Gina to her feet and swinging her close for a kiss before he could help himself. "Not everyone has my good taste," he agreed as he pulled his lips from hers.

She snorted and pushed away from him, shaking her head at his terrible joke. "You don't miss a beat do you?"

"Nope, but that's why you love me right?" It felt good to say the words, and even better was the way Gina's eyes lit up as she grinned at him.

"Yeah," she said with a smile. "It is."

* * *

**A/N - The next chapter will be, erm, _hot_! I hope you enjoyed it – reviews are welcome!**


	32. Chapter 32

**Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect**

_A/N – A big thank you to everyone who is reading along, and a huge thank you to my lovely reviewers! I'm glad you guys enjoyed the last chapter! I hope you all love this chapter too!_

_Warning for NSFW content! ;)_

* * *

Gina stepped out of the Asari councillor's office with a barely restrained shudder; something about Tevos just rubbed her the wrong way. It wasn't anything she could put her finger on since she was polite enough to her face, but there was something about her secretive manner of speaking that really got to her. And today's meeting hadn't improved that feeing at all – not after what she'd just been told.

Sighing, she moved down the hall without paying much attention to where she was going, her mind still stuck on what she'd leaned. The Asari High Command wanted her to check out an Ardat Yakshi monastery that had gone silent. Tevos hadn't specifically asked her to check it out, but she'd made it quite clear that Asari High Command would  _greatly appreciate her help_ , and there had been an implication in her words that she  _expected_ Shepard to drop everything and check it out.

And Gina knew she would.

The Asari matriarchs were worried that the Ardat Yakshi had seized upon the chaos of the reaper war to break free, which was enough to make Gina prioritise the mission. The thought of multiple Morinths running around the galaxy on a murder spree was not an idea that she relished. She could understand why the Asari were so determined to have this mission handled delicately and quietly; an asari who murdered through a single  _embrace_  had the potential to tarnish the entire races reputation.

_Morinth_.

The thought of Samara's daughter filled her with a strange mix of sadness and regret.

Right up until the moment when Samara had put an end to Morinth's life, the asari had been fighting for her freedom and her right to exist. And Gina had sympathised with her. Being sentenced to a life behind walls just because of a genetic disorder was unfair; it was just a pity that her freedom and right to exist meant a vampiric lifestyle with a body count.

She'd hoped to bring Morinth in quietly despite Samara's assertions that she had to die, but in the end Morinth hadn't given them a choice.

Gina glanced up as she realised she'd strolled all the way to the Spectre Office and for a beat she hesitated outside of the door. Kaidan was inside training. He'd told her he intended to spend the day inside one of the combat simulators working on his biotics and the thought of him inside, sweaty and engaged in combat, was a little too tempting for her to immediately walk away.

_Maybe he doesn't want to be disturbed?_  She reasoned with herself as she opened the door and strode through; her feet moving of their own accord.  _Then why did he tell you where to find him_? She shot back at herself, smirking as the security scanned her and allowed her entrance.

The office was empty and only one of the combat sims was in use, so Gina opened the door and peered in. Sure enough, there he was, and a wide grin stretched across her face as she took a moment to appreciate her find; Kaidan was inside, shirtless, drenched in sweat, his body bathed in the blue glow of biotics as he neatly used a Throw to send several combat drones smashing into the wall. One of the drones survived and sent a blast of energy at him, and Kaidan rolled to the side, dodging the attack and swiftly finding his feet as he caught the drone with his biotics and slammed it into the floor.

Gina stepped inside, feeling slightly voyeuristic as her gaze wandered down his body, taking in the broad swell of his muscled shoulders and back, his narrow waist and an ass which his BDU bottoms framed to perfection. His biotics flared over his body, rippling across his skin as he pulled his power tightly in against him and turned around, his eyes, pale blue and swirling with biotic light, widened as he saw her standing there watching him.

"Enjoying the show?" he asked with a small smile, rolling his shoulders and letting his power dissipate.

She grinned. "I was actually."

"Well, I'm all done if you want to go and get a bite to eat." Kaidan picked a towel up off the floor and began wiping the sweat off himself.

Gina followed the path of the towel as it travelled across the hard planes of his chest and dipped over his abs, her tongue stealing out to moisten her lips as her mouth went dry. He chuckled and she raised her eyes back to his, slightly embarrassed to see him watching her with a smirk.

"It's been a long time since you looked at me like that," he said quietly, dropping the towel and starting towards her. "A  _very_  long time."

Butterflies danced in her belly as he approached, his power rolling over her in a tingling rush. "You haven't been looking hard enough then," she told him breathlessly. "I always look at you like that."

"No." Kaidan shook his head and slid an arm around her waist. "You looked hungry, Gina. You haven't looked at me with that kind of hunger in a long, long time. I'd forgotten how much I like it."

He pulled her against him and she raised her hands up so they rested on his chest. His muscles were firm and hard packed, and his skin was hot to the touch; as though he was running a fever. She gazed up into his eyes, recognising the silvery blue flash that swirled in the depths of his eyes as he lowered his head and kissed her, his biotics flaring up around them like blue fire.

The kiss was gentle and his lips brushed against hers softly, his tongue stealing out to tease along her lower lip. Gina swooned. She wasn't sure how long the kiss lasted - it might have been a moment, or a minute, or a lifetime - all she knew was that she was in Kaidan's arms and surrounded by the comforting strength of his biotics. Her own power ignited around her, dancing and swirling through the air as it reacted to his proximity and she drew back with a shaky laugh.

"So, lunch?" Kaidan asked with a smirk, his thumbs tracing small circles on her waist.

Gina shook her head. "I don't really feel much like eating."

"Really?" He raised an eyebrow. "So what do you have in mind?"

"Well," She bit her lip as her biotics thrummed through her, begging for release. "What about you and I go one on one?"

Kaidan wasn't quick enough to hide his surprise as he stepped back. "You want to  _spar_  with me?"

She grinned at his shock. "Well, I need to burn off all this energy and it's been a while since we went one on one." Gina pushed her hair behind her ears and closed the gap between him. "And if you manage to pin me to the ground I'll do whatever you want. You know, lunch or  _whatever_."

"Whatever I want?" his voice dropped an octave as he dropped his eyes to her lips and back up again. "You know, the last time we did this things got a little out of hand."

"Well, that's the idea." Her grin widened and a shiver of awareness worked through her as his hands tightened on her waist and he made a small sound. "Unless you're too tired, of course."

She could see the rise and fall of his chest as he stared down at her intently and finally nodded.

"Okay, I'm game." Kaidan stepped back, his eyes burning. "Hand to hand and biotics, but no weapons."

"Sounds fair."

Gina stripped off her jacket and tossed it to the side, her eyes on Kaidan as she flared her biotics and stepped into a light fighting pose. He copied her and a moment later a Throw came crackling at her and the match began. She deflected it easily with a Barrier and Charged out of the way, grinning at Kaidan as she appeared beside him and swept his feet out from under him. He landed on his back but before she could pin him he hurled a blast of energy at her and Gina was flung away from him.

She laughed as she rolled to her feet, surprised and pleased by the strength of his power, and she wriggled her eyebrows at him as he got to his feet as well. Kaidan rolled his eyes and, without a second of hesitation, threw a Cryoblast at her and she was forced to defend. His attacks came fast and strong, and Gina had to concentrate hard to keep up her Barrier as she gathered her power.

He paused to cool off and she sent Kaidan reeling back with a well-placed Throw, her biotics arcing around her body in a pale blue wave. He grunted loudly as he slammed into a wall and Gina laughed as she rolled behind cover. There was silence, then the crate she was hiding behind iced over as Kaidan hit it with a Cryoblast. It cracked and shattered, showering her in icy shards of wood, and she cursed as she scuttled backwards.

_Damn damn damn!_

She flung a wave of energy outwards, hoping to catch him by surprise, but all it did was send the remnants of the crate flying; Kaidan was nowhere to be seen.  _Evidently_ , she realised, _he's improved considerably in the years we've been apart._  Gone was the man who held himself back for fear of hurting others; Kaidan Alenko the Spectre was throwing everything he had at her.

"Give up, Shepard."

Kaidan's voice came from behind her and Gina rolled to the side, narrowly avoiding being hit by his Reave. It crackled in the air and she felt tendrils sucking at her, lightly pulling at her power as she reeled away. The sheer energy of his attack was exciting and she smiled to herself as he started to come towards her, expecting her to be weakened by his attack.

"Not likely, Alenko!" She planted her feet on the floor and threw herself forward, her power slapping the air as she Charged straight at him.

The Spectre training room twisted and warped as she surged forward and slammed into Kaidan hard enough to fling them both to the ground. The air left him with a  _wh_ _oomph_ and they rolled together; locked in a tumbling pile of grapping limbs. Shepard tried to detangle herself and pull away, intending to hit him with a Nova, but Kaidan locked his arms around hers and pinned her beneath him.

Surprised, she blinked up at him; Kaidan had pinned her.

"Got you," he said softly, the words charged with meaning.

His whisky coloured eyes burned with heat and he panted as he held her beneath him, straddling her waist while his arms pinned hers. Shepard struggled to rise, to lift her arms, but Kaidan smirked and pressed down, restraining her effortlessly. The air between them boiled as their biotics clashed and shimmered, wisps of aura pouring off them. Kaidan shifted his weight, a subtle sexual press of his body against hers, and Gina trembled as a small sound escaped her lips.

_Oh yes, oh God, oh please_ , she chanted silently as she stared up at him, helplessly hungry for his touch.

Kaidan's gaze roamed over her face and settled on her lips, and slowly, oh-so-slowly, he lowered himself down and gently brushed his mouth against hers. Shepard moaned and pulled against his hands, trying to catch his mouth with hers so she could kiss him properly, but Kaidan only chuckled and pulled back out of reach. Her stomach fluttered and something pulled tight in her belly as he dipped his head again, his lips hesitating just over hers.

"Kaidan," Shepard whispered his name and her body arched upwards; aching and hungry.

_It had been so long; too long._

He only smirked wider, and, instead of kissing her on the lips, lowered his head further and pressed his mouth to her jaw, just below her ear. Shepard jerked under him, gasping, and writhed as he kissed along her jawline and softly bit her neck, his tongue swirling over the bite when he was done. She whimpered and struggled in his arms, a small keening sound of pleasure escaping her lips as Kaidan nibbled and kissed a path back to her ear.

Then,  _finally_ , he kissed her properly.

It was heaven; fireworks, explosions and supernovas. A reaper could have landed and she wouldn't have cared. He kissed her slowly, deeply; his mouth firm against hers as they met in a clash of teeth, lips and tongue. The kiss was like opening a floodgate, and suddenly all the pent up emotions, desire and hunger they'd been carrying spilled forth, devouring them in a raging, burning passion.

Kaidan hands slid up her arms until his hands found hers, then he laced his fingers with hers tightly. He squeezed her hands and finally drew away, planting several smaller kisses on her lips, as though stopping all at once was too hard. He gazed down at her, his tanned skin flushed with desire, and when he shifted against her, Gina felt the very hard and hot evidence of how aroused he was.

He wanted her.

"God, Shepard," he murmured in a low whisper, the baritone of his voice sending a delicious shiver down her spine. "I've missed you so much."

She shifted under him and tightened her fingers around his. "I know. I've missed you too."

He kissed her again and pressed his forehead to hers as his chest heaved. "I want you. God, you have no idea badly I want you right now."

"About as badly as I want you?" Gina guessed with a smile, a warm fuzzy feeling spreading through her body as he laughed softly. "And," she added. "I did promise to do anything you wanted if you pinned me."

He glanced around them. "Here?"

She raised an eyebrow. "Why not? There's no cameras and very little chance of someone coming in."

Kaidan hesitated for a moment, watching her as though uncertain if she really meant it, and Gina took that moment to kiss him, hungrily catching his lips with hers and driving her tongue in his mouth. She groaned as the fire ignited between them again, burning through her body as Kaidan growled hungrily and pulled her up into a sitting position. He caught both of her hands in his, pinning them behind her back as his other hand slid under her ass and he scooped her onto his lap.

Kaidan got to his feet in a smooth motion, his muscles coiling as he lifted her into his arms. Gina wrapped her legs around his waist, clinging tightly. He walked to a stack of crates and set her down on them, kissing her so hard he drove her head back against the wall. She gasped and broke the kiss, arching towards him as he released her hands and took hold of the hem of her shirt.

"Last chance if you want me to stop," he gasped against her mouth, his fingertips hesitating on her belly, dancing lightly over her skin. "Just say the word."

She shook her head. "No, keep going, please."

She'd  _die_  if he stopped.

Kaidan shuddered and his eyes closed as an expression of utter relief crossed his face, as though he'd been worried that she was going to say  _stop_. Then his eyes opened, still glowing blue with biotics, and he whipped her shirt over her head. He fumbled at her bra and, with a frustrated growl, dragged the straps and cups down so that her milky white breasts spilled free. Kaidan caught them in his hands; cupping and shaping her flesh.

"You're so beautiful," he told her raggedly and lowered his mouth to take one rosy peak in his mouth.

Gina groaned and whimpered as he swirled his tongue around the peak and then grazed his teeth against her oh-so-sensitive skin. He gently bit down and the jolt of sensation shook her from the tips of her toes to the top of her head. She groaned and wriggled as Kaidan resumed sucking on her breast, teasing her nipple with his tongue before he moved his mouth to her other breast and repeated the treatment.

She clutched his shoulders as his hands dipped to the waistband of her pants and he unsnapped the fastenings, peeling them down her hips. He lifted her slightly and together they worked her trousers over her ass, peeling her underwear off too, and letting them slide down her long legs. Kaidan pressed her hands to the crate and rolled his eyes up to look at her as he knelt and spread her legs.

"Don't move," he told her softly, his hands firm as he hooked her legs over his shoulders.

He kissed her inner thighs and slowly let himself lean down to taste her; his tongue skimming against her folds, delicate and feathery light. Gina gasped and trembled, desperately trying to stop her hips from rocking towards him as he circled her clit with his tongue and began to explore her with his fingers and mouth. It felt so good, so incredibly good; she couldn't seem to think straight.

He alternated between flicking his tongue against her clit and licking her folds with broad strokes of his tongue, and when her body was tight and hot - on the verge of an orgasm - he drew away and stood up to kiss her again. She groaned in disappointment and he chuckled against her mouth, his hands trailing down her legs as he settled between them.

She heard the clinking sound of his belt buckle, the snap of his trouser's fastenings being undone, and then the sound of a zip. It was an intimate sound that sent shivers through her and she glanced down, watching as he pushed his pants down just enough to free himself. His erection was long and hard and Gina swallowed as he pumped his hand along his shaft, squeezing himself as he knocked her legs apart further and scooped her again him.

"Gina?" She looked up and met Kaidan's eyes as he spoke, something incredibly vulnerable sliding across his face. "I love you," he told her.

"I love you too," she replied, her heart bursting with everything she felt for him.

He pressed his tip to her entrance and held her gaze as he began to push inside, her body welcoming him back as he slid into her warm, wet depths. Gina groaned, drowning in sensation; she'd forgotten how much she loved the feel of him inside of her. Kaidan paused and took hold of her waist, then he drove himself in hard, burying himself in her up to the hilt. It was a forceful, almost violent move, but it was exactly what she wanted; and he knew it.

They both knew it.

Their love making was fast and ferocious, hungry and desperate, and they moved against each other like two drowning men fighting to stay afloat. Kaidan drove himself into her hard and fast, and Gina met each of his thrusts with rolls of her hips, urging him to go faster and harder. She clawed at his back as he kissed her and he growled in response; catching her hands in his and pinning them behind her back.

"Kaidan!" She gasped his name as he caught her hair with his other hand and twisted it up, pulling her head back and exposing her throat. "Harder, please!"

She fought against the hold he had on her hair, straining against it and enjoying the tension and small jolts of almost-pain it sent through her. The feeling of him slamming into her, stretching and filling that space inside, felt so good she thought she'd lose her mind. She'd wanted Kaidan like this for so long now.

Their lips clashed together hungrily and Kaidan fed at her mouth, his tongue thrusting alongside hers, mimicking what another part of his body was doing lower down. She tightened her legs around his waist, squeezing his length as he thrust into her, and Kaidan groaned loudly into her mouth, his biotics starting to flicker along his skin as she brought him close.

"Gina," he hissed her name and rubbed his cheek against hers. "I can't hold out much longer."

She nodded and gasped as he nibbled along her neck. "I'm close."

Kaidan sucked on her neck gently, his tongue lapping at her skin as he fucked her harder. When he bit down on her neck, his teeth sinking in so hard she saw stars, Gina's body convulsed and she bucked against him. The languid warmth pooling in her belly seemed to explode outwards and she screamed her pleasure as he brought her; her body shuddering and writhing in ecstasy.

She heard Kaidan cry out too as he buried himself inside of her and his biotics flared around them like lightning. He released her arms and she clung to him, sobbing in pleasure and holding on for dear life as an ecstasy so sharp it was almost painful ran through her. When she finally drifted back to earth their biotics were still humming brightly around them; dancing across her skin like glittery blue smoke. 

Kaidan sagged against her, his heart thundering so loudly she could see his pulse jumping in his neck. He sucked in air like he'd just run a marathon and his skin was flushed from exertion. He nuzzled her neck gently, then kissed his bites and wrapped his arms around her tightly.

"That was incredible," Gina breathed as he pulled away, smiling stupidly as she met his happy toffee-coloured gaze. "I love you so much."

"I love you too," he returned and reached down to gently caress her cheek. "But much I'd love to stay here and cuddle, I think we should probably get dressed. I don't think it would look too good if someone came in and found Earth's finest in such a compromising position."

She laughed and bounced off the crate onto legs that felt like jelly. "I can't argue with that."

Kaidan cleaned himself up with his towel and tucked himself away, a blush steadily creeping over his face as he finished and watched her getting dressed. He was embarrassed at losing control and having sex in public, Gina realised in amusement. She dressed as quickly as she could, mindful that he was right and someone could come in at any time.

"You're bleeding," Kaidan said suddenly, crossing the room and looking down at her arm. "Shit! Did I do that? You should have told me."

She looked down in surprise and blinked; her arm was bleeding.

"It must have been from the crate you blew up." She nodded towards the splintered remains from their earlier sparring match. "It's nothing."

"It's not nothing," he insisted with a frown. "I didn't mean to hurt you."

Gina touched his chest lightly and caught his gaze. "I didn't even feel it, Kaidan." The use of his name seemed to settle him and he nodded as she continued with a smirk. "Though truthfully, I was a little distracted after our match."

He chuckled and slung an arm around her as they walked to the door of the training room, relaxed and happy.

"You know," Kaidan said conversationally. "I wanted our first time to be slow and gentle - I was going to take you out to dinner and romance you. I didn't think we were going to end up ... ," he blushed and gestured around them. "Well, I didn't think I was going to end up getting down and dirty with you in the Spectre Office."

Gina snorted and grinned, tingles of awareness spreading through her body. "Sorry I was so impatient, but the day's still young. You can take me out to dinner after we've cleaned up."

"So, back to the Normandy?" Kaidan asked as they opened the door and walked through to the empty Spectre office.

She nodded and snuggled against him, enjoying the closeness after their love making. "Yep. I need a shower and then refuelling."

"Refuelling?" He quirked an eyebrow as they approached and door that led back to the Embassies, reluctantly letting her pull away. "I didn't wear you out, did I?"

Gina laughed softly and glanced at Kaidan from the side of her eye. "No, but something tells me I'm going to need my strength for round two."

Kaidan only smirked as the door purred open and they strolled out into the bustle of the embassies side by side.

* * *

_A/N – I hope you guys all enjoyed that! I know Gina and Kaidan did! The next chapter sees them take on the Ardat Yakshi monastary with Jack and the students as backup. How can that possible go wrong, huh? :)_

_Oh, If anyone is interested in reading more about Gina and Kaidan, I do have a couple of drabbles written about them in the fanfiction section of my Tumblr account (vorchagirl). Including one about the first time they dance with each other set just after ME1. If you'd like to read it but don't do Tumblr, please let me know in your review or in a PM and I'll send you a copy via message._


	33. Chapter 33

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N - I'm so sorry that this chapter is late! But work has been very busy and I had a big Halloween party to plan so even though I finished this chapter last week I wasn't able to edit it until today. Hopefully you all forgive me and you enjoy this chapter! Big hugs to all my readers and reviewers for sticking with me - you guys make writing so much fun!**

* * *

The gentle hum of the Normandy's engines woke Gina the next morning, and for a long time she lay in Kaidan's arms on the floor of the Starboard Observation lounge, her head resting on his chest while she listened to his steady breathing. He lay with one leg thrown over hers possessively and his arms linked loosely around her waist; as though even in his sleep he was reluctant to let her go.

_Not that they'd had much sleep the previous evening_ , Gina thought with a small smile; they'd been far too busy making up for their time apart.

He was pleasantly warm and she snuggled closer, relishing the sensual feel of his skin against hers. The hard planes of his muscles, the strength in his body, and the gentle background tingle of his biotics was wonderful. Being with him again was exhilarating; it was as though she'd been in hibernation for months, functioning on autopilot, and was only now waking up.

Kaidan shifted, tightening his arms and pulling her close as his eyelids fluttered and he began to wake up. For a moment he stiffened as though unsure of where he was or who he was with, and then his eyes opened and his lovely toffee coloured gaze met hers. A warm spark jump between them, a biotic flare of recognition, and he relaxed. A handsome grin slashed across his face as he pulled her close and kissed her.

"I thought it was a dream," he murmured against her lips. "For one horrible moment I thought I was going to wake up alone again-"

Gina caught his lips in another kiss to silence him, hungrily opening her mouth and running her tongue along his lower lip. He groaned and pulled her to him; crushing her to the wall of his chest. She shivered, it felt so good to be with him again – like coming home.

Kaidan kept one arm tightly around her waist and the other drifted up and carefully pushed her curls back from her face. "Gina," he whispered her name and kissed her again; slowly and sweetly

For all the passion between them, his touches were gentle, reverent almost – as though he was terrified he would break her or if he moved too fast he'd wake up and she'd be gone.

His lips moved over her face, gentle and soft as he lay a trail of kisses along her jaw and down her neck – sending tingles of excitement through her body. When he moved her legs apart and pushed inside of her again Gina was eager and willing, and she urged him on with soft moans and sleepy kisses of her own. They made love as though they were the last two people left in the world, wrapped in the light of the stars and exulting in each other's bodies with an intensity that shook Gina to her very core.

Kaidan held her afterwards, wrapping her tightly in his arms as she lay on his chest and listened to his heart beat. It was a slow steady thump – a familiar rhythm that made her stomach flutter and her heart flip-flop.

She loved him.

Simply. Purely. Completely.

Reluctantly, Gina pulled away and disentangled herself from Kaidan. He clung for a second, hesitant to release her from his hold, but with a groan he let her go and lay back down, resting his hands under his head and watching her like the cat who'd got the cream. She sat up and stretched, rolling her soldiers and stretching her arms up above her head until her joints cracked. The blanket slid down her shoulders, pooling around her waist as the cool air caressed her bare flesh.

Kaidan raised an eyebrow and ran appraising eyes down her body, his gaze lingering on her breasts before he raised them to her face. "God you're beautiful" he murmured, his face softening as she smiled back at him. "I missed you so much."

"I missed you too." Gina bit her lower lip and swallowed as an unhappy though drifted through her mind. "If only Horizon hadn't happened the way it did. We could have been together a whole lot sooner," she said quietly.

Kaidan considered her and slowly shook his head. "I hate to say this, but I'm not so sure." He trailed a hand down her arm as though reassuring himself that she was real. "I'd had  _Two years_  of living with your death and trying to get over you.  _Two years_  of driving myself mad trying to think about what I could have done to save your life.  _Two years_  of blaming myself-"

"Blaming yourself?" Gina cupped his cheek, hating how guilty he looked. "Kaidan, there was nothing you could have done to save me."

He shrugged and looked away. "I was supposed to keep you safe and take care of you," he said finally. "I wasn't there to help you and you died because of it. You died because of  _me_."

"That's bullshit. I died because the Collector ship blew the Normandy apart and I couldn't get to an escape pod." She leaned down and kissed him hard and fast, her lips brutal as she got his attention. "You couldn't have done a thing except watch me die like Joker did."

Kaidan's jaw tightened when she mentioned Joker, and for a split second Gina was sure he was about to say something about the pilot's role in her death, but the moment passed and he sighed instead.

"I was so lost without you," he confessed unsteadily. "And when I saw you again on Horizon I didn't trust my own eyes. I wanted to go with you, Gina, I wanted it so badly … but I was terrified you were some kind of fabrication created to fool the Alliance. We thought Cerberus was behind the disappearing colonies, and you were like a carrot they were dangling in front of me. I was scared that if I gave in you'd turn out to be nothing but a phantom and then I'd have to go through losing you all over again." Kaidan's voice almost broke and he sucked in a breath. "I'm sorry I wasn't braver. I'm so sorry I didn't say to hell with the risks and join you like the others. I was a coward."

Gina shook her head, and when Kaidan went to drop his gaze she took hold of his chin and forced him to look at her. "You were  _not_  a coward, and I  _do_  understand. If our situations were reversed, if you'd died and reappeared two years later working for Cerberus, I'm not sure I would have been any more trusting then you were." She sighed and glanced down at their intertwined hands. "If only Anderson had let you know I was alive and looking for you, or had given me your contact details. I could have told you I was alive and explained why I was working with them."

He nodded silently and clutched her hand even tighter, his knuckles turning white. "I know. But I still shouldn't have written you off and walked away. It haunted me. Every night I dreamed about you. Every day I wondered if it was really you and what you were doing. And when I heard about the Collector Base and heard about the Alpha Relay, I wished I'd taken the risk and gone with you. I should have been there helping you, not training a spec ops squad." His eyes were troubled as they met hers. "Not a day goes by that I don't regret what I did on Horizon."

They held each tightly, each lost in the memories of those dark days. Horizon had been painful; watching Kaidan walk away had shaken her almost as much as waking up to discover she'd lost two years of her life and that her friends had moved on without her.

"What was it like?" Kaidan asked abruptly, interrupting her dark thoughts.

Gina leaned back to give him a confused look. "Sorry?" She frowned. "What was  _what_  like?"

"When Cerberus brought you back," he clarified. "Did you know you'd died?"

A barrage of memories tumbled through her mind; a metal operating table so cold it burned her skin, the wail of alarms and staccato drum of gunfire. A blinding pain in her head, foggy blurred vision, and confusion. Complete and utter confusion. She was alive so she couldn't have died.

So she'd thought.

So she'd  _believed_.

Right up until she'd learned the truth.

Gina slowly shook her head. "No. I- I had no idea what was going on or where I was. The first time I woke up in the lab I wasn't ...  _ready_." The word hung in the air unpleasantly and Kaidan shivered against her. "I couldn't see properly and everything was a blur, but there were people above me holding me down and telling me to relax. I tried so hard to break free and get away. My body was burning like I was on fire, but they held me down and put me to sleep. It was-" Gina clenched one hand into a fist as the familiar fear slithered through her. "It was terrifying."

Her heart slammed unsteadily in her chest as she relived those blurry figures holding her down. So many hands, all pining her to the cold metal table as she screamed and fought. And the pain. Oh God, the pain. Her skin went clammy and she trembled at the memory of the burning piercing agony. She could still remember the fear, the confusion, and the desperate hope that maybe they'd somehow plucked her from space and she was fighting for her life.

She cleared her throat and continued. "When I found out that I'd died and lost two years, when I found out that my friends had moved on without me, and that you were gone too ..." she drifted off and shrugged. "I wished I'd stayed dead."

"Gina, I'm so sorry." Kaidan folded her into his arms, warm and safe. "I'm sorry they brought you back like that and I'm sorry I wasn't there for you."

She pressed her face into his neck and breathed in his scent, swallowing the lump in her throat. "Don't be. It was terrifying and it hurt, but ... but they brought me back. They brought me back to you."

Kaidan nodded and said nothing, and Gina let her gaze wander down his body, across a muscular chest that was surprisingly free of scars, down the hard planes of his abs, and to his hips where the blanked hid the rest of him from her view. Nestled in the curve of one hip was a tattoo which she'd noticed the night before but hadn't thought to bring up. Now it had her full attention.

She gently traced a finger over it. "That's new."

He froze and glanced down, his free hand absently tracing over the tattoo, following the same path as her finger. It was a black and white rose with a familiar number under it that tugged at her heartstrings; her service number. The same number listed on her dog tags.

"I got it after Alchera," he said quietly, avoiding her eyes again. "I was messed up and drunk out of my skull in Vancouver after your memorial-" Kaidan's voice broke and he rolled to the side, his eyes glimmering with unshed tears as he looked up at her. "Jesus, Gina. You were  _gone_. There wasn't a body to bury so they held a fucking  _memorial_  and I had to go along and pretend I was just another marine mourning the great Commander Shepard."

The way he spat the words, full of such pain and hurt sent a spear of regret through her, and Gina tightened her grip on his hand and pulled him to her. "Kaidan," she whispered his name and kissed him, but he pulled away and continued speaking.

"I got drunk that night and I kept drinking for days. I just wanted to forget." He buried his face in her neck and drew in a deep breath, mirroring her earlier action. "I'd lost you and it all happened so fast that I never got to say goodbye. I never got to kiss you goodbye or tell you that I loved you. And one night I went out and got this tattoo. A rose for my rose." He drew back slowly and looked into her eyes. "I needed to do something for you. I had to. I never stopped loving you; I tried. God knows I drank myself into oblivion more times than I could count. But I couldn't forget you and I couldn't let go. I love you, Gina"

"Kaidan, I love you too. So much." Tears welled in her eyes and she leaned in for a kiss, touching her lips to his softly. When she pulled away he looked like he was more in control, and Kaidan reached up to cup her face, his fingertips gently tracing her jaw and trailing down her neck.

"I never want to lose you again," he told her, his eyes flinching at the thought. "Not ever."

Gina smiled and kissed the tip of his nose. "You won't. I'm not going anywhere." She laughed, banishing her dark thoughts as she pushed to her feet. The blanket dropped to the floor and she tracked down her clothes and pulled them on. "Well, except for a shower and breakfast."

"Sounds good." Kaidan jumped to his feet, his muscles bunching and cording under his skin. "Mind if I join you?"

She raised an eyebrow as she pulled on her pants and looked at him appraisingly. "Can you keep your hands to yourself?"

"Of course." He flashed her wide innocent eyes. "Scouts honour."

Gina snorted as she finished dressing; she was pretty sure that Kaidan had never been a scout.

* * *

Reiley and Seanne were a different breed of student than Prangley and Rodriguez. The brother and sister team chattered a mile a minute in the shuttle bay with Vega as they suited up and checked their weapons, and their friendly and outgoing nature made Gina instantly like them. They were excited about going on a mission and were determined to do their best, even though they freely admitted they felt a little bit intimidated about going planetside with such strong biotics.

"You'll do fine," Jack told them loudly, ignoring the friendly look Vega gave her as she approached. "You two pack a punch when you combine your attacks. Just keep your barriers up and stay with Shepard. She'll look after you."

Gina grinned at the two students and nodded. "We might not run into any trouble down there at all, but if we do just stay behind us and provide cover if you can. If the chance comes for you to get in a biotic attack, go for it. But only if it's safe."

Seanne returned her smile. "Yes, ma'am. We know our limits."

"Yeah, unlike some people." Reiley looked over his shoulder where Prangley was loitering near the shuttle, watching them. "We may not be as strong as Prangley, but we follow orders a whole lot better."

Jack shot him a nasty look. "Can it, Bellarmine," she sniped. "We don't drag our fellow students down. Prangley made an error in judgement and he knows it."

"Yes ma'am." He straightened and saluted, but as soon as Jack moved off he rolled his eyes and relaxed.

Gina hid her smile as she sauntered over to the shuttle, exchanging an amused look with Kaidan. Teenagers were certainly entertaining to work with – that was for sure!

They boarded the shuttle, strapped themselves in and she firmly pulled her feet back to the ground and focused on the mission ahead. If the Ardat Yakshi in the monastery were trying to break out she'd have to put them down, and that wasn't going to be a pleasant task. If they were anything like Morinth they wouldn't go down without a fight.

She mulled it over on the flight down, reliving old memories and dreading what they'd find.

The monastery appeared fine when Cortez set them down, though the power was out and the inside of the facility was plunged in darkness. Kaidan used his biotics to get the elevator doors open and Gina peered inside the empty shaft, ignoring the horrible creeping feeling that worked its way down her spine as she shone her torch into the gloom.

Something wasn't right.

She could feel it in the same way she'd sensed something was off when they'd run into the rachni queen a few days ago. It was the same horrible feeling deep in her core. A feeling of foreboding and coldness that chased away every good feeling she had. With a barely restrained shudder she pulled back and gave herself a shake; she had to get control of herself.

"Commander?" Kaidan touched her arm. "Is it clear?"

Gina jumped at his touch and flushed with embarrassment. "Yeah, it's all clear. The elevators are out along with the power, so we'll be climbing down."

He nodded and Gina led the way into the facility, drawing strength from the reassuring pulse of Kaidan's biotics at her side. She could feel Liara's power, effortless and cool, drifting behind them, and the smaller fuzzier buzz of the students. She had always been sensitive to other people's biotics before, but here in the darkness of the facility everything felt more intense; sounds were louder, the pulse of their power stronger, and every movement in the air around her rang alarm bells.

Halfway down the elevator shaft a scream pieced the darkness - a screeching howl that made the hair on the back of her neck stand on end.

"What the hell was that?" Kaidan asked, his voice tense as they came to a stop and waited in the dark.

Gina froze in spot and shivered, her heart pounding hard as the sound filled her with icy terror.

"I have no idea. I've never heard anything like it but it doesn't sound ... ." She struggled to find a word. "It doesn't sound  _right_."

"It sounded like an animal," Liara chimed in quietly, her voice trembling. "And it sounded angry."

The students shuffled behind them, eyes wide and faces pale, and Gina rallied herself and flashed them a comforting smile as she led the way forward. They slowly made their way down to the bottom floor and levered the doors open, she and Kaidan taking point while Liara and the students followed behind. Their biotic barriers glowed strongly enough to bathe the space around them in a ghostly flickering light, but Gina used her torch to pierce the darkness beyond, her skin almost crawling off her body at the carnage they found.

"What happened here?" she asked softly, speaking to no one in particular as she made her way past overturned tables, smashed chairs and dark terminals.

A body lay sprawled ahead - an asari - and Shepard cautiously approached, her nerves jangling loudly and screaming that she was in danger. Her skin buzzed and the hair on the back of her neck prickled as she knelt and slowly rolled the body over. It was an asari commando. Her chest was a red ruin, as though something had burst out of her insides, and her face was frozen in a silent scream. Gina swallowed back her instinctive reaction to pull away and wipe her hands free of the blood, instead she forced herself to check the body, carefully scanning for clues as to what could have done this.

_Something hadn't come out of her_ , Gina realised as she looked at the wound;  _something had punched through her._

"Did an Ardat Yakshi do this?" Kaidan asked as he crouched beside her. "Is this how they kill?"

Gina shook her head. "No. This is something else. Something I've never seen before."

Liara met her troubled eyes. "Reapers?" she suggested.

Shepard nodded. "I'd say so, but why attack an Ardat Yakshi monastery? What could they possibly want from them?"

Another scream split the air, a high pitched howl that had all of them clutching their ears as the cry resonated painfully with their biotics. The sound so sharp it seemed to cut into them physically. Kaidan swore and Gina was on her feet in an instant, her gun up and her biotics flaring around her as she checked for danger.

"Whatever that is it's getting closer and I want to find it before it finds us," she told them.

The others nodded and they moved as a group, following Shepard's torch as it feebly cut through the dark. Whatever was down here was  _bad_. Asari Commandos were far from pushovers and the sounds they could hear were inhuman in nature. If there were reapers here making those noises, they were something new, and Gina didn't relish the thought of finding out what new kind of monster the reapers had created.

Especially if it involved the Ardat Yakshi.

* * *

**A/N - Hehe, I hope you enjoyed this chapter - reviews are much loved! The next chapter will be out much faster!**


	34. Chapter 34

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N - Thank you as always to those amazing people who left me reviews and shared their thoughts on the last chapter. I'm always thrilled to bits when people enjoy my story, and your feedback blew me away. Likewise, a big hello and thank you to the people who are reading along or have faved or followed this fic! I hope you enjoy this chapter!**

**Just an FYI that I'm heading into marking/assessing time at work, which could mean a slight delay on chapters. I'm hoping not, but if they're a few days late then you know why.**

* * *

The screams that echoed through the facility were like nails down a chalkboard to Kaidan, and he winced as another shattered the tomb-like silence of the monastery. Goose bumps broke out across his body and he shuddered, his skin crawling as the sound shrieked along his nerve endings. Every shadow seemed to hide a potential enemy and he fought hard to keep his rising panic in check as the sounds grew louder and sharper; slicing through the air like a knife.

"Shepard?" he spoke quietly when she paused before the only door out of the room. "I have a bad feeling about this."

She glanced at him and nodded. "Me too."

Gina signalled for Liara and Kaidan to move up either side of her, and for the kids to drop back. Then she hit the manual door release and slipped into the next room with her gun raised, her steps quick and precise as she scanned for trouble. The door led out to a balcony and Kaidan came to a stop as he heard the sounds of combat and watched as an asari dispatched several reaper troops with ease, using her biotics and nothing else.

She turned to face them and he sucked in a surprised breath; she was like no asari he had ever seen before. She had the bearing of a matriarch but looked like something between a commando and a dancing girl; voluptuous and dangerous with a commanding presence that made him straighten. Her eyes, a luminous quicksilver blue so pale they were almost white, bored into him, and he shuffled on the spot, pinned by her gaze.

"Samara," Gina stepped forward and greeted her with a dignified nod, not offering to shake hands as she usually did.

The asari Samara returned the nod and her body language relaxed.

"Commander Shepard, it good to see you. I did not expect to find the Alliance here." Her voice vibrated with a power that Kaidan was sure came not just from her strength but from her age.

Gina holstered her weapon and Kaidan lowered his.

"Asari High Command asked us to investigate when the Monastery went quiet," she told her. "They were worried the Ardat Yakshi might have broken free. They didn't tell me a Justicar was already here."

Samara drew in a deep breath. "I can see why they would have asked you to step in after what happened with Morinth." The name slid off her tongue like acid, and both women visibly flinched. "However, it is the reapers who are to blame and not the Ardat Yakshi. The truth is that I came here to check on my other daughters; Rila and Falere."

Kaidan cleared his throat and stepped forward. "Your ...  _daughters_  are here? But that would mean-"

"Yes." A shadow passed over her face. "They are both Ardat Yakshi. They came here peaceably and have always abided by the monastery rules." She switched her cool gaze to him and considered his face for a moment before turning back to Gina. "This is the one from the photograph in your cabin?" Gina nodded and Samara smiled. "I am pleased you are no longer alone."

It dawned on Kaidan that Samara had been on the Normandy while Shepard was with Cerberus, and that she knew he was special to her. He swallowed guiltily; had the entire crew known about their conversation on Horizon? Had they known about their argument? About how he'd walked away and left her staring after him? Or had they only known him by the photograph in her room?

Another bone-shattering scream interrupted Kaidan's thoughts and the large double doors in the room below were flung open as a young asari bolted through. She was pursued by husks and Cannibals, and her biotics rippled brightly as she threw attacks over her shoulder.

"Rila!" Samara gasped the name as she leapt into action, flinging herself over the balcony and radiating blue as she floated down using her biotics.

Kaidan's breath caught in his throat as the power she used to control her descent seared the air and the students exclaimed behind him. The level of energy this asari had was beyond anything he'd ever felt; his own biotics paled in comparison. He met Gina's eyes and she grinned and nodded towards the stairs – they both knew there was no way they could follow Samara over the balcony.

"So," Kaidan said as they jogged. "You  _really_ need to tell me about this photograph everyone keeps mentioning."

Gina laughed and drew her shotgun. "I'll do you one better. Come to my cabin tonight and see it for yourself."

He hadn't seen her cabin yet. It hadn't been part of the tour when he first came aboard, and they sure as hell hadn't made it up there the previous night. He could picture her old captain's cabin perfectly but, judging by the improvements and money Cerberus had spent on the new Normandy, her new room was probably much more impressive. The thought of seeing her private sanctuary, of pushing her down on her bed and having his wicked way with her was almost enough to distract him.

Almost.

But not quite.

_Work first. Fun later._

"Are you flirting with me, Commander?" he asked playfully as they pounded down the stairs, their boots thumping loudly.

"You bet your sweet ass I am." She winked saucily and flung herself forward in a crackle of biotic power.

Gina slammed into a Cannibal so hard she knocked one of its scraps of metal off, and the sound of her shotgun echoed thunderously in the room. Kaidan used a Throw to knock a hoard of screeching husks to the side and slammed them into the wall, crushing their bodies in a spray of blackened gore. The force of his biotics seemed to mash them and their skulls split like rotten pumpkins, splattering their insides across the floor.

The students and Liara hit the battle just behind them, using carefully timed attacks to knock back a Cannibal which lumbered towards them. They dispatched it without much difficulty and by the time Kaidan turned back to the main battle everything was over. Samara had the younger asari wrapped tightly in an embrace while Gina stood nearby, panting slightly from her exertions.

"Mother!" Rila said softly as she pulled away, her voice fearful and shaky. "They have Falere!"

"Who does?" Samara's voice was sharp, authoritive, and her daughter straightened accordingly.

She pointed towards the doors she had just run through. "The creatures that the reapers are turning us into."

"Wait, what do you mean  _they're turning you into creatures_?" Gina interrupted. "I need to know what is going on here."

Kaidan joined Gina as Rila explained that the reapers had arrived, massacred their keepers and begun  _processing_  the Ardat Yakshi asari. The Asari Commandos had arrived but had been outmatched by the asari-reapers, who were apparently strong enough that they had ripped through the commanders within hours. The carnage she had seen had obviously affected Rila, but it was what the reapers had done to her friends that truly terrified her.

"What they do to us is horrible. They're making us into monsters and there is nothing we can do! The reapers are too strong and there are too many of them. When they got Falere all I could do was run! Please, we must rescue her!" She broke off and clutched her hands over her mouth as though she were holding in a scream.

Gina nodded. "If we can we will, but we were sent here by Asari High Commander to destroy the monastery and destroy the threat-"

"Destroy it!" Rila tried to pull away but her mother held her fast. "But this is my home! You can't destroy it!"

"She has to." Samara gave her a shake to calm her down. "The reapers are using the asari, the Ardat Yakshi, as weapons. We cannot allow this. Think clearly, Rila."

"The commandos brought a bomb with them," Gina interrupted gently. "I need to know where it is."

There was a pause as Rila looked into her mother's eyes, then she sagged and the fight seemed to go out of her.

"The Great Hall," she told them hollowly. "The bomb is in the Great Hall. It's the last place I saw Falere before those things got her. I'll take you to her, just-" she paused and drew in a shuddering breath. "Just try to help me save her. This is our home! They  _attacked_  us!"

"I know." Gina nodded, her eyes sympathetic. "And we'll try to help your sister, but we have to detonate the bomb so it takes out as many of these creatures as it can, okay?"

Rila nodded and led them towards the door with her mother a step behind her the entire way. Whether it was because she didn't trust her not to run off or because she wanted to stay close, Kaidan couldn't tell. Samara was an odd duck - that was for sure. So cold and distant, but with moments of warmth that showed she genuinely cared about her daughter and, he suspected, for Gina.

The Ardat Yakshi's fear was palpable as she led them through the doors, and Kaidan's heart jumped into his throat as another of those animalistic screeches cut through the air. It was louder in this room and the pitch sizzled against his brain, scraping and clawing behind his eyes. Somehow he managed not to flinch or close his eyes, though he almost wished he had as he focused on the creature making the screams.

It took a moment for his eyes to make sense of what he was seeing.

At first he saw red. The colour was everywhere - as though someone had splashed a can of cherry-red paint all over the floor and walls. Then he saw the bits of asari commandos scattered across the ground and piled up on top of each other like a twisted game of Pick Up Sticks. A head here, an arm there, what could have been a torso, what was clearly a cartilage ridge, part of a leg. Behind the gory mess of body parts Kaidan saw a bomb of asari design, it's lean curves and silver casing marking it for what it was.

Finally, he saw  _it_.

The reaperfied asari was crouched over a woman he assumed was Falere, its long spindly body bent almost double as it used its outstretched hands to prevent the young maiden from escaping. Its skin was a mottled grey green, splodged with patches of black and pale blue, and when it straightened and stared at them he saw its eyes were a clouded milky black. Fear seized him, an irrational panicked fear, and Kaidan struggled to remember how to breathe as it let out an ungodly screech and took a menacing step towards them.

It was far taller than a regular asari, almost double the height, and its long thin skeletal limbs gave it a spindly nightmarish look. On the end of each finger was a deadly looking talon and its mouth was full of needle-sharp teeth. Its tall thin appearance was made even more grotesque by the distended round belly which protruded out from its body.

"Barriers up! Get to cover  _now_!" Gina roared to the students as the creature's biotic energy soared and it  _leapt_  forward in a move that defied the laws of physics.

Kaidan sent a Cryoblast at the creature and it stretched out its arms and screeched at him loudly, apparently unaffected. He hastily backed up as it  _jumped_  closer, and his skin crawled as though ants were marching down his spine as its power rolled over him. It felt rotten and  _wrong_ ; as though its biotics were corrupted and dark. Kaidan shuddered, and when Samara sent out a flurry of biotic attacks and distracted it, he loaded a thermal clip into his assault rifle and began firing.

Another banshee-like scream pierced the noisy room and a second creature ambled into view, its spider-like hands outstretched as it gathered biotic energy.

"Another tango at three o'clock," Kaidan called to Gina.

She nodded. "I see it, keep your attention on the one closest to us. Liara and Samara, take out the second one."

The asari moved off in twin blazes of blue, and Kaidan noted that the students followed them – sticking close to Liara as they'd been ordered. He stayed next to Shepard, firing off attacks and using his weapon as the creature advanced in biotic leaps. His thermal clip ejected and without missing a beat he loaded a new one, backing up quickly as the nightmarish banshee jumped far too close for his liking and swiped at them.

It squealed like a distorted radio as it sent out a biotic attack that slammed into Kaidan with the force of a charging krogran, hurling him backwards. He smashed into a nearby table and bit back a cry of pain as something in his chest, a rib no doubt, broke with an audible snap. He collapsed to the ground and sat there stunned for a moment, his vision swinging and ears ringing. When he focused again the skeletal reaper was close enough to touch him, and Kaidan's blood frozen in his vein as it reached for him with those long thin fingers.

Its taloned fingertips brushed against his wrist as he tried to scoot backwards, when suddenly its arm was jerked back and the reaper reeled away from him. It thrashed and screamed, writhing and swinging its long arms wildly as it tried to dislodge the small red haired woman on its back.

_Shepard!_  Kaidan thought wildly as he got to his feed, horrified as he saw that Gina had managed to catch its wrists in her hands and was wrenching its arms back. She had her legs under her, one foot between its shoulder blades and one on its lower back as she clung and used sheer brute strength and her superior position to hold it in check.

It was a hellishly desperate move, and Kaidan's adrenaline surged as the banshee twisted and bucked to get her off.

Gina held on tight and began to straighten her legs and push away from its body, twisting the reaper's arms at ugly angles as she pulled them further and further back. Kaidan brought up his gun and hesitated as it whirled and thrashed madly; if he fired now there was a chance he would hit Gina, and with a curse he dropped his gun, summoned his biotics and sent a Reave at it instead.

Almost immediately it howled, falling to its knees as its arms popped out of their shoulder joints with wet tearing sounds. Gina let go of its wrists and its arms fell bonelessly to the ground like wet spaghetti as it writhed. Kaidan watched, fascinated, as its biotics appeared to tear it apart from the inside – reducing it to a pile of ash which collapsed inwards and scattered across the floor.

Gina staggered away from the blackened remains, clearly exhausted, and Kaidan stormed towards her, furious at the risk she'd taken.

"That was stupid," he berated. "What the hell would you have done if it had grabbed you? Huh?"

She brushed her hair out of her eyes and shrugged. "Better that then watching it do  _that_ to you." She nodded her head in the direction of the red mess of asari body parts. "Besides, I was able to-"

A blood-curdling scream interrupted her - a human scream full of terror – and Kaidan forgot his anger as he saw the other banshee had backed the students into a corner. It clawed at their barrier, sending showers of blue sparks and curls of electricity through the air as it fought to get at them. Samara and Liara were hammering it with attacks but its attention was focused solely on the students, as though it could sense they were weaker than the others.

Gina cursed loudly and recklessly Charged at the banshee, shoulder-ramming it away from the kids and into the wall beyond. It recovered fast and rounded on her immediately, bristling with biotic energy and hissing as it swiped. It took one step forward but before it could advance further it was showered with a barrage of attacks from the asari that knocked it backwards again.

The students joined in as Kaidan fired on it with his rifle, hammering it with attack after attack and forcing it steadily backwards and away from Gina. Their combined barrage brought it to its knees and it writhed in agony, screaming one final time before it disintegrated in a burst of blue light and black ash as the other had.

There was no time to celebrate - other shrieks and screams were drifting out from doors and hallways around them.

"More are coming," Samara warned them. "I suggest we move quickly."

Gina nodded and got Kaidan's attention. "Can you get that lift working?"

"Yep, I'm on it." He didn't wait for her reply and hurried to the elevator control panel, fear his constant companion as he worked on repairing the downed terminal and reconnecting power.

Kaidan half-listened as a fiercely heated discussion broke out near the bomb. He heard Rila's voice, high and angry, as Samara and Gina spoke to her and tried to calm her down. The entire discussion sounded tense, angry, fearful, and he struggled to stay focused on the repairs as Rila's voice broke and she began to sob.

When Liara appeared beside him she was a welcome distraction.

"Can I assist?" She asked.

Kaidan shook his head in the negative. "I've almost got it. Everything okay over there?"

"No." She sounded sad. "Falere, Samara's other daughter, is already indoctrinated. She's becoming one of those  _things_." Liara glanced at the pile of ash nearby; all that remained of the reaperfied asari. "Rila doesn't understand why her sister won't leave. Falere seems normal at the moment – she's fighting the indoctrination, but it will not last." There was a pause and then Liara added very softly, "it never does."

Kaidan knew she was thinking of her mother; of how Benezia had broken free of her indoctrination long enough to say goodbye and give them invaluable data which allowed them to stop Saren.

Liara was right of course; no one could fight indoctrination forever.

The familiar shriek of a banshee shattered the air and Kaidan spared a glimpse over his shoulder as the first of the reaperfied-asari loped into the room, its misty eyes searching the room for its prey. Behind it, silhouetted in the light from the hallway, were the outline of many more banshees, and he turned back to his work with renewed vigour. After what felt like an eternity the console started up with a satisfied ping and Kaidan rocked back on his heels as he summoned the elevator.

"Tell me the elevator is coming?" Gina shouted as she reached him, barely audible over Rila's screams for her sister as she struggled in Samara's arms.

"It's coming," Kaidan nodded at the floor level. "Just give it some time."

"We don't have any time!" she told him as the approaching hoard of Banshees split up, half of them converging on Falere and the bomb, and the other half heading their way in a sea of milky white eyes and outstretched hands. "We leave or we die!"

"And go where?" Kaidan asked. "The elevator is on its way. We just need to hold on a little longer."

Gina let out a breath and nodded. "You're right, but that elevator better be quick or we're done for." She whirled to face the students. "Bellarmines! Get a Barrier up again and hold them back! How do we shore it up and add our power to yours?"

"I don't know how to explain it," Seanne confessed as she and her brother created a bubble around them. "You just have to feel our power and follow it down. Just ... just follow our lead, I guess."

Samara and Liara shored up the Barrier easily, almost instinctively, and Kaidan knew in that moment that this was something that both asari had done before. Shepard on the other hand, looked lost, and Kaidan took her hand – he'd felt what Rodriguez had done the other day and he was sure he could replicate it. Gina's biotics swirled against his, mingling and coalescing, and without saying a word he guided that power outwards and joined it with the others

The barrier blazed blue as their power touched it - so thick and solid that even when multiple banshees began to try and fight their way through it held fast. Kaidan ground his teeth and poured more power into the Barrier, desperately holding on as the Banshees pushed harder to break through.

He had to hold; if they broke they would die.

Behind them the elevator doors opened with a gentle swish and they backed in quickly, dropping the barrier at the very last second as the doors closed. Kaidan had a sickening glimpse of rotten grey flesh, long grasping hands, and glistening teeth before the door closed and the elevator began to move. Distantly, they heard the bomb explode, and the elevator trembled slightly.

"Why? Why did Falere do that?" Rila sobbed against her mother, looking small and fragile against the Justicar's athletic frame.

Samara wrapped her daughter in her arms and pulled her into an awkward hug, her eyes pained as though the affection she was showing hurt.

"Falere was already lost to us," she spoke quietly, in a firm but gentle tone. "She was ... very brave."

Liara nodded and carefully touched the Ardat Yakshi on the arm. "You should be proud. She fought off indoctrination long enough to help us destroy them; that is remarkable."

"Yes." Rila wiped her eyes and pulled free of her mother's embrace. "She  _was_  special. She didn't deserve to die."

The elevator doors opened on the landing deck before anyone could reply, and they disembarked in silence.

"What will you do now?" Gina asked as she turned to face the mother and daughter.

Rila shrugged, her blue eyes haunted. "I'm going to stay here," she said quietly. "I … I don't have anywhere else to go."

"You could come with us?" Kaidan suggested and was surprised when she shook her head.

"No, I'm still an Ardat Yakshi and it's forbidden for me to leave." She rubbed her eyes and sighed. "Besides, this is my home."

Samara sighed at the news, relief oozing from her pores, and Kaidan wondered what kind of an answer she'd expected from her daughter.

"I am pleased to hear it." She embraced Rila and clutched her tightly. "My code will allow you to stay here and, if it pleases you, I could stay for a while too. It has been some time since I visited you. Too long." Regret thickened her voice.

"Please stay, just for a bit." Rila buried her face in Samara's neck. "You're all I have left."

Tears swam in the Justicar's eyes and Kaidan tuned away, not wishing to intrude upon the private moment. The Normandy crew gave them some space and Kaidan turned his attention on the two students. They were pale and exhausted from the Barrier they'd created, but they'd held up well under the attack. Hell, they'd done better than some of his SpecOp recruits - and that was saying something.

"You two did excellent today," he told them. Their eyes lit up at his praise. "The way you took the lead and held the Barrier was impressive."

Reiley tried to shrug modestly, but Kaidan knew he was proud. "Everyone helped out, Sir."

"Yeah," Seanne agreed. "We didn't do much compared to you guys."

"You did plenty." Kaidan silenced them with a gesture. "You established the Barrier and ensured it held while we shored it up. I know seasoned biotics who couldn't have done that. You should be proud."

"Thank you, Major Alenko," they chorused in unison, smiling broadly.

They boarded the shuttle soon after, leaving Samara with her daughter to search the facility for survivors. The Justicar promised to catch up with Gina on the Citadel, and praised the students for their bravery and strength, encouraging them to continue to work on their biotics.

Working with the students to create the Barrier raised all sorts of possibilities in Kaidan's mind. If he were honest, the thought of being able to meld his biotics in a combat situation again was exciting. The twins seemed to do it naturally, as had the asari, and Jack had mentioned that the other students were being trained to do it too, which opened up all sorts of avenues for other biotic squads.

He filed the thought away for further inspection as he strapped himself into a seat on the shuttle.

"So Alenko," Gina leaned close as Cortez ferried them back to the Normandy. "Still feel like taking a gander at that photo?"

Her eyes sparkled as they met his, and she pressed one long thigh against his leg in a movement that could have been accidental but wasn't. Kaidan grinned and leaned back in his seat, supremely happy with how the mission had gone and with how it seemed his evening would be ending. He pressed back and enjoyed the biotic jolt it sent through him, idly toying with the idea of asking Gina if she wanted to try combining their biotics later tonight when they were alone.

The very idea of being able to push his power into her biotically as he took her physically made his heart pump a little faster, and he shifted in his seat to try and hide his body's reaction.

"Sure," he agreed easily. "Sounds good."

_Understatement of the year_ , Kaidan thought in amusement. But when he looked up and saw Liara and the twins watching their exchange, he was suddenly glad he hadn't said anything provocative or overtly sexual. It was only a matter of time before the crew found out about them, and as Spectres they didn't have any fraternization rules to break, but he didn't want to set a bad example to the crew by flaunting their relationship.

Besides which, the last thing either Shepard or himself needed was a bunch of teenagers speculating on their love life. Perish the thought.

* * *

**A/N - I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Now, in a bit of shameless self-promotion, I wanted to let you know that I wrote a short Shenko oneshot called Bad Boy. It's smutty and sweet, but lots of fun if you're a fan of Kaidan Alenko. :)**


	35. Chapter 35

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N - Apologies on the delay with this chapter. My husband has been very very sick and I'm finishing up work for the year so I haven't had much time to write. On the plus side that means I now get 5 weeks holidays and you can bet I'm going to do some writing!**

**As always a huge thank you to my readers and reviewers - your feedback is amazing and it makes my day! ^_^ Thank you!**

* * *

Gina switched off the hot water and rolled stiff, painful shoulders, trying to ease some of the tension she was carrying. Her body ached. It felt like knives had been pushed under her shoulder blades and the muscles in her back were knotted and stiff. The hot shower she'd taken had helped some, but the soreness in her body was going to get a lot worse before it loosened up again.

Still, twisting that banshee's arms from its sockets had been worth it.

She and Kaidan had arranged to meet in the mess for dinner, and she dressed quickly and put on light makeup before she headed down to the kitchen. Gina tried to look casual as she collected double servings of rations and joined Joker, Liara and Garrus at a table, but the two trays weren't lost on any of her team mates and she saw them exchange a knowing glance.

_Sometimes,_ Gina thought in amusement,  _adults were worse gossips than children!_

"Dinner for two  _again_ , Commander," Garrus commented slyly, his voice dipping to an amused drawl. "Or are you just extra hungry tonight?"

She rolled her eyes as she placed the trays on the table and slid into a seat. "Can it, Vakarian."

He snickered quietly, an amused wuffling turian laugh that she chose to ignore as she peeled back a corner of the MRE and peered inside. It looked like some kind of cheese, bean and beef mix, though for the life of her she couldn't understand how it managed to smell as bad as it did.

Liara coughed politely and Gina looked up as Kaidan strode into view; his hair still damp and glistening from his shower. Her mouth ran dry and with a supreme effort she managed to tear her eyes off him as the asari leaned forward conspiratorially in her seat.

"You know, Shepard," her voice was softly lilting, deceptively sweet, and Gina narrowed her eyes at her as the asari's lips quirked into a smile. "The two of you don't have to skulk around the ship like guilty teenagers worried their parents might catch them. You're Spectres now. That means you're free to do as you wish so long as it doesn't interfere with Council business."

Gina managed to keep her face neutral as she shrugged. "I don't know what you're talking about," she said airily. "We're just two adults who-"

"Spent the night in the Starboard Observation Lounge together?" Garrus interrupted, his tone rippling with amusement as Gina spluttered; her face burning with heat. "Yeah, I saw you sneaking out of his room this morning."

Waves of embarrassment coursed through her. "I fell asleep," she defended weakly.

It sounded lame, even to her.

Joker snorted. "Yeah, I bet you did."

Gina hastily took a sip of her water, using the movement to try to think of an appropriate response to her friends teasing. She watched Kaidan as he moved through the room, pausing to speak to some of the crew, his face relaxed and friendly as they conversed. He glanced over and a warm tingle zipped through Gina as a happy grin slid across his face as their eyes met.

Kaidan raised a hand in greeting and nodded at them, though his face tightened almost imperceptibly when he saw Joker sitting at the table. Something hard and cold passed through his eyes and he dropped his hand and moved to the kitchen to make coffee. Gina frowned after him, wondering if she'd imagined it; she'd never seen Kaidan look at anyone like that before.

Joker coughed and she turned her attention back to him, frowning slightly as Liara put a hand on his arm and nodded reassuringly.  _What was going on?_  Joker and Kaidan had always been friends - great friends in fact, but for a moment there Kaidan had looked at the pilot with pure loathing in his eyes.

"Uh, Joker? What's going on between you two?" Gina asked, gesturing at the pilot and Kaidan with her fork.

"Kaidan hasn't said anything?" he asked uncertainly. "I mean, about what happened after you died?" The pilot pushed a cheesy bean around his tray and looked up at her with worried eyes. "Nothing about me?"

"You? No." She set her meal aside and focused on him, a feeling of apprehension spreading through her. "Why?"

Liara cleared her throat. "The Major was very …  _distressed …_  after your death. He didn't handle it well."

Gina nodded. "Yeah, we talked about that. He mentioned he went off the rails a little bit."

"A little bit?" Joker broke in. "Try a lot. Hackett practically had to order him off Alchera when they couldn't find your body. Then there was the drinking and the way he shut himself off from everyone, and then at your memorial service-"

"Joker." Garrus interrupted. "Just  _tell_  her."

He sighed and pulled his cap off his head, twirling it in one hand and running the other through his hair. "Kaidan blamed me," he admitted quietly. "He blamed me for what happened to you at Alchera."

"What?" Gina blinked in surprise. "The  _Collector's_ blew up the ship, Joker!  _That_  killed me, not you."

"I know that, dammit." he jammed his hat back on his head and met her eyes. "But I stayed on the bridge and you had to come back for me." He sighed. "I don't blame him for hating me either. It was my fault you didn't leave the ship when you still had a chance. If I hadn't been so damned arrogant you'd never have died."

"Joker." She caught his gaze and shook her head reassuringly. "I'd have done the same for anyone. It wasn't your fault." Gina sighed as Kaidan added some milk to his coffee and stirred, still too far away to hear them. "How bad are things between the two of you?"

Joker hesitated and then shrugged. "Better than they were, I guess. He hasn't punched me again-"

" _Again_?" Gina broke in, appalled. "Kaidan wouldn't!"

Kaidan couldn't have hit Joker. He was gentle, patient and controlled! Kaidan didn't lose his temper! The thought of him hitting anyone, especially his best friend, was so foreign it didn't process.

Liara raised an eyebrow. "He did," she said firmly. "At your memorial when Joker tried to talk to him."

"Shit." She rubbed a hand over her eyes.

Joker shuffled his food around his plate. "Look, I didn't want to say anything. It's not like Kaidan has done anything since he joined the crew, but he hasn't really spoken to me either and Liara thought you should know what happened in case things got weird."

The asari tossed him an annoyed glance. "We  _both_  thought that you should know what happened."

Gina stared into her glass and clicked her fingernails on the table; the last thing she needed was the crew bickering and fighting on the ship. First Liara had been upset over Kaidan re-joining the crew and now Joker was telling her that Kaidan had blamed him for her death. Maybe she shouldn't have been so surprised; after what Kaidan had told her this morning she should have expected something like this.

Joker reached out and caught her hand. "Hey, I'm not trying to cause trouble or drag his name in the mud – I still like the guy and I'm glad you two found each other again. Besides, I'm not sure he's wrong to hate me." He drew in a deep breath. "I would have punched me in the face too if I could have."

He squeezed her hand and stood up, collecting his half-eaten tray and heading to the kitchen just as Kaidan finished making his coffee. They walked past each other without saying a word, and with a sigh Gina covered her tray with the foil again and stood up.

"We're not eating down here?" Kaidan asked as he joined them and took the tray she offered.

She shook her head and forced a smile. "No, I thought we'd eat up in my cabin." Garrus made a turian sound that could have been laughter and Gina pursed her lips. "Away from prying turian eyes."

"Speaking of turian eyes," Kaidan looked down at Garrus. "You haven't seen Nero around have you? He's missing and Adam's mentioned seeing you carrying him around last night."

Gina had to hide her smirk as Garrus spluttered, the expression on his face as guilty as she'd ever seen. "Well, he was lonely while you were on the mission yesterday and I could hear him making distressed sounds. So I took him to the Main Battery while I was calibrating. He seemed happy. He sat there doing his happy-growls."

Gina grinned at Garrus' description of Nero's purring as ' _happy growls'_. Sometimes the turian was far too cute for his own good.

"Wait," the biotic blinked in surprise. "You broke into my room to get him?"

Garrus fluttered his mandibles defensively. "Well ...  _yes._  But he was  _crying_! Besides, he's fine. I made him a nice nest near my hammock and he's sleeping. I'll bring him back later." He paused and a glint of amusement passed through his eyes. "That is, if you're planning on going back to your room tonight?"

Kaidan chuckled, a fabulous husky laugh that made things low in Gina's belly flutter.

"On second thoughts, maybe you should keep him for the night," he told the turian. "I might not head back to my room until  _quite_  late in the evening, and I'd hate to disturb you."

He sounded so sincere and innocent that Gina barely contained a snort of amusement.

"Of course," Garrus nodded understandingly. "That's  _very_  thoughtful of you."

"I'm a thoughtful guy," Kaidan quipped back as he linked his free arm with Gina's. "Come on, Commander, I'm getting hungry."

She led the way up to her cabin and put their dinner on the desk, grinning as she watched Kaidan set about exploring her room. He shook his head at the fish tank, checked out the bathroom and made a sound of approval at the shower, and then lightly jumped down the stairs and made a show of checking out her bed and lounge setting.

"It's a little different to the SR-1," he said thoughtfully as he glanced up at the canopy. "Times have changed, huh?"

Gina smiled. "Not everything has changed."

She moved to Kaidan as though drawn like a magnet and wrapped her arms around him tightly. Her heart danced as she sank into his warm embrace, breathing in his familiar scent of Eezo and aftershave. Fleetingly, she thought of what Joker had said downstairs, but put it to the side; now wasn't the time to bring up what had happened after she'd died. Kaidan had said this morning that he'd fallen apart and hadn't been himself. She'd talk to him about Joker, but not now.

Not tonight.

She drew back and nodded her head towards their dinner. "Shall we?"

"I guess we should have them while they're hot," he agreed. "I don't think eating lukewarm MRE's improves the taste."

"I'll get them," Gina gave him a gentle shove towards the couch. "You sit down."

She retrieved their dinner and they cuddled on the couch as they ate, laughing about Garrus' strange affection for Nero and chatting about the students and how they'd done on the mission today. Kaidan grew quieter as the talked turned to Samara and the daughter she'd lost in the facility. It was one death in a war that had killed billions, but somehow seeing her sister's grief made it more personal - more meaningful.

"Do you think they'll be okay?" Kaidan asked as he opened a bar of peppermint chocolate he'd had stashed in his pocket. He broke off a square and passed it to her. "I mean, what if the reapers come back? I know Samara's a Justicar, but even she can't defeat the reapers by herself."

Gina nodded slowly. "They'll be fine," she told him softly, her gaze wandering over the broad expanse of his chest and following the familiar lines of his BDU "The world is changing and Samara knows this. Her code may not allow her much leeway, but she and her daughter won't allow themselves to be taken alive. They'd die rather than become those  _things_."

"Those  _things_  they were turning the Ardat Yakshi into were horrible. What the reapers do to us, how they turn us against our own kind," Kaidan paused and shuddered. "It's the most frightening part of this war. Knowing that if they get hold of you, you won't just be killed, you'll be modified, mutated and turned against your friends and comrades."

"It's frightening," she agreed.

Kaidan pushed to his feet, agitated. "The thought of fighting our friends in reaper form terrifies me. And what about when this war is over? What happens to them if the reapers are destroyed? Is there any part of the people we knew left inside of them? Or are they just animals that need to be put down?"

"I don't know. Part of me hopes that there isn't any part of them left." She stood up and slid her arms around his waist, hugging him tightly. "The thought of being trapped inside of a husk, trying to communicate, trying to break free,  _that's_ what scares me. I hope they're dead."

He shifted slightly and leaned back against her as she nestled close, fitting her body to his. She let her face rest against the nape of his neck, holding him close and enjoying this moment of respite and calm. His biotics flowed under his skin, a light hum that sent tingles through her body.

Kaidan turned and linked his arms around her, pulling her close and rubbing his cheek on the top of her head. His thumbs traced small circles on her waist and his fingers lightly kneaded her hips. He shifted his arms around her, a subtle increase in pressure that made her sigh happily and burrow against him. Abruptly he let out a sharp hiss of pain and pressed a hand to his ribs.

Gina narrowed her eyes and stepped back. "You're hurt?" She reached for him automatically, pulling his hand away and peering at the front of his jacket as though it would reveal the injury to her. "What happened?"

Kaidan shrugged and shuffled, trying not to wince as the movement hurt him. "It's nothing. I might have cracked a rib when things got rough today." He tried to shoo her away, but she wasn't having any of it, and Gina shot him a firm glare as she caught his hands and pressed them back at his side.

"Let me have a look," she shushed him when he tried to assure her he was fine. "You might be the boss in the bedroom, Alenko, but I'm the boss everywhere else."

He chuckled and relented, but his eyes glimmered with heat and Gina knew she'd be paying for that comment later.

She straightened and ran her hands down his BDU jacket, tracing the gun holster, straps and buckles. The feel of his uniform was so familiar under her hands that she could have undressed him in the dark, but she kept her eyes firmly open as she unfastened the chest strap. It fell open with a soft sigh of leather as she continued, unsnapping the metal studs down his front and unzipping the jacket. Kaidan grunted as she tugged it free and peeled it down his arms.

"This is just an excuse to get me shirtless, right?" he asked playfully as her fingers danced along his ribs, carefully skirting the bruised area.

Gina glanced up and winced as she straightened. "It looks broken. You should see Chakwas and get some medigel before you-"

Kaidan caught her hand before she could finish and he tilted his head as he looked at her. "I saw that wince. You're hurt too, aren't you?"

"No." She shook her head. "My shoulders are just a little sore from tangling with that banshee."

"Well then," Kaidan took her by the shoulders and eased her towards the couch, his fingers already beginning a soothing circular massage as he pressed her down onto the seat. "In that case let me help you out a little. Do you have any massage oil?"

"No, but I have some lotion in the bathroom." Gina unzipped her hoodie and tossed it across the room. Then she removed her shirt and bra, unselfconsciously sitting topless while Kaidan searched for the lotion.

When he reappeared his eyes dropped unashamedly to her breasts and he grinned at her in a very appreciate male way when he met her eyes again. He indicated for her to spin around and she did so, sitting Indian style on the couch while he sat behind her. It had been years since Kaidan had given her a massage, but she could still remember the sensation of his hands moving over her back, kneading out every knot and using tiny-biotic fields to work out the tension.

He was  _so_  good at it.

His hands were warm as he spread the lotion over her shoulders and set to work, a low biotic pulse moving through his fingers and down her back as he used his powers. Gina closed her eyes and swayed lightly as his biotics hummed  _under_  her skin, following the path of his hands as he worked on the muscles around her shoulder blades – the blue pulsing energy reaching places inside of her that his fingers couldn't.

The pressure of his hands coupled with the tingling vibrations of his biotics felt incredible and the tension in her shoulders melted away as he worked. Kaidan scooted closer, his hands still rubbing and kneading as he leaned forward and pressed a kiss on the nape of her neck, just below her amp port. Gina groaned as his hands slid around to her front, his biotics continuing to thrum through her body as he cupped her breasts and shaped them in his hands.

His mouth moved along her neck, nipping lightly at her skin, sucking and kissing along the column of her throat, every touch sending a bolt of energy through her. Gina's breath caught in her chest and she arched against him as one of his hands drifted down her body, leaving a tingling path as his biotics tickled against her. Kaidan unsnapped the waistband of her pants and lightly bit her neck as his hand slipped inside her pants and into her underwear.

"Kaidan!" she gasped his name as he traced his fingers along her folds, his biotics vibrating against her.

It felt incredible, better than anything she'd ever felt before, and he continued to kiss his way up her neck as he circled her clit with his thumb, his carefully controlled biotics pulsing against her most delicate of places. The delicious tension began to tighten in her stomach and she arched against him, her hands curling into fists as her body writhed against his hand, grinding in time to his strokes. She was close, so close, and she went rigid as her release began to build around her.

"Feel good?" Kaidan asked huskily, his lips to her ear.

"Yes," Gina managed to whisper as the pleasure welled up around her. "Oh God, it feels so good!"

She let out a moan of disappointment as Kaidan chuckled and removed his hand from her pants before she could climax. He kissed the side of her neck and settled his hands on her waist, kneading lightly.

"Pants off," he ordered, his tone firm and commanding, and Gina shivered with anticipation. "I want you on your hands and knees on the couch. Legs slightly spread. Okay?"

"Yes." Gina trembled as he kissed her neck again, his lips warm and soft against her skin.

She loved the roughness in his voice when he was aroused, the dark tone that meant he was thinking about sex. Kaidan knew she loved it too. They both enjoyed things a little rough, nothing too extreme of course, but putting herself in Kaidan's hands gave her a thrill she couldn't properly describe. She loved a little sliver of pain with her pleasure, and she trusted Kaidan completely to play by their rules and not push things too far – just as he trusted her to let him know when to stop or pull back.

Gina undressed quickly and set her boots, pants and underwear neatly beside the couch, then positioned herself as Kaidan had asked. The couch creaked as he moved behind her and there was the metallic jingle as he unbuckled his pants and slid them down. She bit her lip, the image of Kaidan freeing himself from his pants dancing through her mind as her body throbbed with unfulfilled need.

Kaidan stroked the curve of her ass and ran his hands down her thighs, caressing and touching her as his biotics continued to flow. He leaned into her and she felt the tip of his erection brush against her as he positioned himself at her entrance. Gina moaned, her body tight and wet with desire as he pushed inside, stretching and filling her completely.

She dug her nails into the couch and bit her lip as he began to move, his thrusts slow and gentle. His hands clasped her waist, drawing her back against him as he fucked her, and Gina settled into the rhythm he set. Ripples of pleasure coursed through her body, the tension swelling up inside of her with every wonderfully sweet movement Kaidan made. His biotics swelled through the air around them and her own responded, flaring brightly as the power poured out of her.

"Kaidan!" Gina gasped his name eagerly as he began to quicken his movements. "I can't hold on much longer."

"Good." He leaned forward, planting several small kisses along her back as he drove himself inside of her with force. "I want you come for me."

She nodded and let her eyes drift closed, concentrating on the delicious warmth pooling in her belly with each slick movement of his length inside of her. Her climax began to build, faster and faster, the tension racing through her body as her heart thundered in her chest and blood roared in her ears. Their lovemaking was hard, fast, and her release crashed over her all at once – an explosion of feeling, wanting and needing.

Her biotics flared brightly and she sobbed Kaidan's name over and over as her arms gave way and she almost fell forward onto the couch. Stars burst behind her eyes, her blood sang in her veins, body exploding with an ecstasy so blindingly perfect that it washed every thought and feeling from her mind.

She heard Kaidan groan her name like a prayer as her flare sent him over the edge and he spilled himself inside of her. They collapsed onto the couch together, chests heaving, and Gina sleepily pressed a kiss to Kaidan's chest as he wrapped his arms around her. They lay together for a few minutes, not speaking as they caught their breath, and she snuggled close; enjoying the sensation of being held by the man she loved.

Kaidan pushed himself up on one forearm, gazing down at her with eyes that still swirled with a wonderful luminous blue. He tucked some of her unruly red hair behind her ear and traced a hand along her jaw, his gaze roaming over her face as though trying to memorise every part of her. Unexpectedly, he shook his head and grinned, apparently amused by something.

"What?" she asked softly as she cupped his cheek and lifted her face for a kiss.

His mouth curved into a smile against hers as he broke the kiss and drew away. "The photo," he said quietly and bumped his forehead against hers. "I came all the way up here to see it and it completely slipped my mind."

Gina laughed and snuggled back against his chest, loving the way Kaidan instinctively folded his arms around her and held her tight. "Don't worry," she told him. "The photo isn't going anywhere."

"Good." Kaidan kissed her neck and his arms tightened ever so slightly. "Because neither am I."

* * *

**A/N - Whoo! I hope you enjoyed that! Reviews are loved and treasured! In the meantime, I'm going to go and have a cold shower! ;)**


	36. Chapter 36

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N - Sorry for the delay with this chapter. A family member died on Christmas Eve, I had a house fire (we're okay and the house is mostly fine), my dog bit me ... and well ... Christmas happened. It was not a good Christmas. So yeah, not much writing was done. Apologies though, because I did intend to get this out much earlier. To those who have have reviewed - my goodness you guys make my day with your feedback! _Thank you! W_ ithout your support and encouragement this fic wouldn't be where it is today, so your time and words mean the world to me. To new people and to people reading along - hello and Happy Holidays! I hope you guys enjoy this chapter!**

* * *

_A prothean._

_A real life prothean._

Try as he might, Kaidan couldn't seem to get his head around the fact that they had an actual member of the prothean race on the ship. And if he was this excited, he could almost imagine how giddy Liara would be. Of course, by all accounts the newest member of their crew was surly and unfriendly, but he couldn't hold that against him. If he'd been frozen for thousands of years and woke up with everyone he loved dead and gone he'd be unhappy too.

"But _how_ did he survive?" Prangley asked, breaking the silence that the class had been working in as they completed the biotic strengthening activities. "I mean, how can something survive for that long?"

Rodriguez huffed and threw a withering glance at him. "Because it was in _stasis_ , moron. That's how. It's theoretically possible for us to freeze your sorry ass and store you for thousands of years too. The technology isn't that unusual."

Kaidan hid a smile as Prangley muttered under his breath and the two kids began to bicker, arguing back and forth about current technology and if it could possibly last as long as Prothean tech. Jack leaned against the wall beside him, picking at her nails and casting the occasional sweeping glance over her students. Working with the biotic woman was a challenge in and of itself; she was stubborn to a fault, abrasive and argumentative, and she needled Kaidan constantly about Gina.

"That's enough out of both of you!" Jack hollered as she pushed off the wall. "Prangley! That shield looks like it's made out of tissue paper! And Rodriguez, yours is faltering already! Shore them up _now_!"

Kaidan winced as Jack's roar reverberated in his ear.

"You know," he said quietly so only she could hear him. "You don't need to scream at them every time you give an order."

She aimed a glare at him. "Aw, what? You'd rather I treat them with kid gloves? Bring them milk and cookies?" Jack scowled. "These kids need a dose of reality. Cerberus and the reapers sure as shit aren't going to hold back with them, so why should I? Huh?"

Kaidan frowned, memories of his own training flooding back; of being made to do biotic exercises until his nose bled and his ears rang, and being made to run laps from morning to night – until his body screamed in agony. The physical and mental torture they'd suffered at the hands of Vyrnnus and the other teachers with every biotic lesson still haunted him.

Jack saw his expression and sighed. "Look, I'm not going to let them hurt themselves but they need to push their biotics and see what they can really fucking do."

"Agreed." He nodded. "But next time try to aim your scream away from me, okay?"

She snorted. "Now where's the fun in that?" Kaidan considered Jack for a long moment and tried not to smile when she caught him staring and rolled her eyes. "What?" she bit out.

He had to fight hard to hide his smile; under all her bristling anger and tough girl exterior was a woman who genuinely cared about these kids. She didn't just want to train them; she wanted them to survive the war. When the reapers lay burning and they retook Earth, she intended for every single one of her students to be standing there beside her.

He still didn't like Jack, but her motives were admirable.

"I'm just wondering if you're really as tough as you act," he baited gently. "I mean, I caught you in that Stasis easily enough back at Grissom."

Jack whirled to face him, her eyes flashing blue as her biotics curled inside of her. "What did you just say, Soldier Boy?" she demanded. "Are you actually questioning _my_ biotic ability?"

"Not at all," Kaidan raised an eyebrow, his own power humming to life under his skin as she flared. "I've seen you in action, so I know your biotic ability. I'm just wondering how well you'd do under a sustained attack?"

Abruptly she chuckled and a sly smile worked its way across her face. "Why don't we find out, huh? How about you and me do a little training of our own?"

_Go up against Jack?_ Kaidan couldn't deny that the thought had crossed his mind multiple times over their training lesson today. Going up against Gina was one thing; she was a Vanguard and was only really dangerous when she was up close. Jack had other skills and her power level was truly monstrous. The thought of tangling with her to test his powers was both thrilling and frightening.

But he wanted to.

Kaidan chuckled and pushed away from the wall. "Sure, so long as we pull our punches and don't do any permanent damage to each other."

Jack cackled as she told the kids to take a break. "What scared I'm going to mess up that pretty face?" she asked over her shoulder.

"Something like that," Kaidan nodded at the kids as they cleared the training floor with wide eyes, muttering excitedly amongst themselves.

His stomach rolled nervously at the thought of losing in front of them – more because he didn't like the thought of being beaten by _Jack_ than anything – and he tried to shake it off. She looked excited as she squared off against him and gathered her biotics around her in a Barrier, he followed suit and for a moment they stared at each other through layers of dancing biotic blue, and then Jack attacked.

He had only a moments warning, a small narrowing of her eyes, and then she hurled a Shockwave at him. It thundered across the room and smashed into his Barrier like a freight train, knocking him back a few steps before he pushed forward with his power to compensate. Jack laughed distantly and before she could get off another attack he threw a Stasis at her and feinted sideways, watching as she dodged his attack and left herself open.

His biotics curled outwards, twining and glowing, as he created a Singularity above her and with a screech Jack was lifted from her feet. She thrashed madly, cursing and spitting as she fought her way free and dropped to the ground. Kaidan braced himself as she launched herself forward and hurled a Throw at him, but the force of the attack still managed to lift him bodily from the ground and hurl him across the room.

He grunted as he slammed into the wall, pain from his still-sore ribs shrieking through his body, and caught a glimpse of Jack coming in his direction, her biotics swirling and crackling around her body. His head swam but he managed to push himself to his feet and he called on the depths of his power to use a Reave on her. The biotic attack swirled around her in a cloud of violet and azure and Jack doubled over as it began to sap her power. A twin cloud swirled around Kaidan and his vision cleared as his biotics surged powerfully.

He moved towards Jack - her power dancing through his veins in a mad rush of biotics that left Kaidan feeling almost drunk with power. He could feel her fighting, feel that power surge as she fought to fend off his attack and stay on her feet, but he held it over her and continued to siphon off that swirling biotic power.

"How? How did you learn that?" Jack dropped to her knees and looked up at him with eyes that were round and surprised. "I didn't know you could Reave!" She sounded almost accusatory.

Kaidan let go of the attack and stepped back, his body humming pleasantly as the power swirled under his skin.

"Practice," he told her as he let the power fade away. There was a murmur from the biotic students and Kaidan saw Jack's face darken. "Though, that Reave was the ace up my sleeve. I'm not sure I could have kept pace with you for much longer."

It wasn't a lie; Jack's attacks had been beyond anything he'd ever felt. If he hadn't used a Reave to slow her down and drain away some of her energy, he didn't doubt she would have eaten him for breakfast. She was frighteningly strong and his ribs were aching painfully; far worse than they had been earlier.

She got to her feet just as the elevator door opened and Gina came through, her eyes hard and angry as they settled on the two biotics. For the briefest of moments Kaidan assumed she was angry with them for the biotic fight and he straightened his back and squared his shoulders, but as she came closer her eyes softened and he relaxed; whatever had made her angry wasn't them.

"You look cranky, Princess," Jack commented as she turned and watched her. "What's got your panties in a twist? Clearly it's not the Major here since you two are obviously knocking boots-"

"Jack," Gina interrupted her with a small shake of the head. "Not now."

The biotic held up her hands in mock-placation and smiled slightly. "Whatever you say."

Gina rolled her eyes. "If you must know, I've spent the last few hours debriefing the newest member of our crew."

"Javik, right?" Kaidan asked. "I wouldn't mind chatting with him myself."

"Don't bother." She sighed and ran a hand through her hair, tussling the curls. "He's one of the most arrogant, frustrating and damned irritating people I've ever talked to." Her eyes narrowed and she shook her head. "He insists on referring to all of us as 'primitives' and he's managed to insult almost everybody on board. The only redeeming quality he has is that he's fought the reapers before and knows some of their tricks."

Jack snorted and crossed her arms. "So, he wasn't the prized find you thought he was, huh?"

"Well, saving anyone from the clutches of Cerberus is a win for us, but he isn't the distinguished scientist we were expecting. He's a soldier. A damned good one but just a soldier." She rolled her shoulders and her green eyes glittered with amusement as they slid over the two of them. "I feel like I interrupted something?"

Kaidan grinned and Jack glowered.

"Just a little biotic training," he told her honestly. "I'd invite you to join us, but I think I'm about done in." Kaidan put a hand to his aching ribs and winced. "Actually, I might need to go see Chakwas and get some medigel for this or I won't be joining you on the next mission."

Gina pinned him with a stare. "Didn't you see her today while I was on Eden Prime?"

"I was going to," Kaidan defended himself, squirming under her gaze as Jack chuckled darkly. "I just got caught up helping with the students."

Jack muttered something under her breath about tissue-paper soldiers and made her way back to the students, who were buzzing excitedly in a cluster. Kaidan could hear the words Reave from where he was standing, and amusement flared through him, quickly damped by another twinge from his ribs.

"Well, come on, let's go see the Doc. I should probably visit her myself," Gina tried to straighten her arm and pulled a face. "A Cerberus sniper got in a lucky shot and hit my shoulder."

Concern shot through Kaidan and he stepped closer, his eyes sliding from the slight hunch of her body to the way she was keeping the arm close to her chest. _Had she debriefed the Prothean even though she knew she was hurt?_ He almost scoffed at his own question – of course she had. That was Gina in a nutshell, always more concerned with getting the job done and looking after other people than she was herself.

"A Nemesis?" he asked as he stretched out her arm gently and felt around the joint, she nodded and winced. "It feels pretty swollen. You're lucky the shot didn't break your underarmor and lodge in the joint."

"I know." She retracted her arm and rubbed the joint carefully. "So, what exactly did Jack do to you?" Gina questioned as they made their way to the medbay. "She's tough but she normally avoids actually hurting people when she's training."

He hit the button for the elevator and held the door open. "Oh, she knocked me back with one of her attacks. It wasn't really her fault - she just packs a hell of a punch!"

"Yeah." Gina pulled a face. "And she knows it too, which is half of her problem."

Kaidan laughed and was still chuckling when they reached the crew level and made their way in to see Chakwas. The doctor clicked her tongue the instant they arrived and descended on them with her omni-tool out.

"I thought I'd see you two in here _sooner_ rather than later," she admonished sharply, her tone that of a mother hen henpecking her chicks. "I swear, if I didn't get copies of your armour's physical readouts I wouldn't even know you were injured half the time."

She swooped on Kaidan first, stripping him of the top half of his BDU's and giving him a dirty look at whatever she saw. Her hands were cool as they moved over his chest, pressing here and poking there before she closed her omni-tool and picked up an injector from a nearby tray. She inserted a small canister of medigel into it and then gave him a look that promised no mercy.

"Two broken ribs and severe bruising," she told him as she swabbed his ribs and carefully slid the needle under his skin to inject the gel. It spread under his skin in a cool soothing wave and instantly Kaidan's pain lessened. "You should have seen me sooner."

He scrubbed the back of his neck as she pulled the needle out and shrugged. "It didn't seem that bad at the time."

Chakwas rolled her eyes, but her look was amused. "That's what they all say, Major Alenko." She turned cool blue eyes on Gina and nodded at her. "Your turn, Commander. Off with the shirt."

Kaidan dressed as Gina stripped off, her skin under her shirt marked with bruises that were not altogether unfamiliar to Kaidan and his face burned as Chakwas' eyes slid briefly to him. There was a bite mark on the crook of her shoulder which he'd given her a few nights ago, and smaller marks dotted her back, neck and chest where he'd sucked or given her love bites. The site of them on her sent a confusing roll of emotions through him; pride, shame and lust.

He'd always liked rough play, and as a young man his desires had confused and scared him, specially after Rahna's rejection at Jump Zero. He'd never shown that side of himself to her of course, but he'd wondered in the months afterwards if she'd somehow sensed what was in him, all his dark fantasies and thoughts, and had run from him because of that. It had taken time and experience for him to come to understand that he liked to be dominant in the bedroom, and even more time and experience for him to understand that there was nothing wrong with him or his desires - so long as he had the right partner.

Kaidan tried not to let his eyes loiter on those marks on Gina's skin as Chakwas worked. He knew what those bruises looked like to an outside person, but it wasn't hurting her that gave him a thrill at all; that was something he did because Gina enjoyed it. For him, it was the illusion of being in charge and having all the power. Discovering that Gina was sexually submissive had been a relief and a delight which he knew he'd never forget.

When they were together he could let go of the tight leash he kept on himself. He could own her, possess her, reward her. The way he felt was almost like a sickness that he was too weak to stop, but with Gina it didn't feel wrong. She drove him wild with the tremble in her body, with the little sounds of pleasure-pain, and with the hitch in her breath when he touched her.

He loved her violently, possessively, and so deeply it had almost destroyed him when he'd lost her the first time around. Because as rough and as sexually aggressive as he was in bed, their relationship went so much deeper than just that. She was his and he was hers. And in the bedroom it was his job to keep her safe; to read her body language and make sure she was comfortable with everything he was doing. They had their rules and their safe words, but even without them he was confident he could read her well enough to never hurt her.

Her well-being, her safety, and her pleasure were always at the forefront of his mind when they were together. It was confusing as hell to be filled with this aggressive need to dominate, while being so aware of the other person that everything they felt and did controlled his own response, but part of him being in control in the bedroom was ensuring that Gina was satisfied and happy, and he loved being able to do that for her.

Gina enjoyed having him dominate her and he enjoyed giving into his desires; in the bedroom at least. Outside of it, she was Commander Shepard in every sense of the word - there was nothing submissive about her. And he loved it, God did he love that it was only with him that she showed that other side of her personality.

It made her all the more his.

She was utterly perfect and he loved everything about her – from the way she melted into his arms at a touch, to the small sounds of pleasure and pain she made when he pushed her close to the edge. As clichéd as it sounded, there wasn't anything he wouldn't do for her or to her if she asked. It was his job to keep her safe and happy, and this time around he was going to make sure he didn't lose her again.

Kaidan's chest tightened at the memory of Alchera and he turned away as he finished doing up the fastenings on his uniform. It had been Gina's choice to stay back and save Joker, and while he'd never not respect her wishes and follow her orders, this time around he wasn't going to leave her if a similar situation arose. No matter what happened he was going to keep her safe.

"All done." Kaidan turned back around as the doctor finished massaging some gel into Gina's swollen shoulder. "A full days rest and it should be back good as normal-"

The door to the medbay opened before Chakwas could finished and the doctor broke off as Liara strolled in with a brightly lit data pad in one hand. She glanced up and started to speak, then her blue eyes fell on Gina, and Kaidan inwardly winced as they widened. He could imagine what she was seeing; Gina covered in marks and bruises – some of which were very obviously bite marks. For a moment the silence stretched as the asari stared at her friend, then her eyes slid furiously to Kaidan's.

He stared back defiantly until she looked away.

"I'm sorry," she said stiffly. "I didn't mean to intrude." And before any of them could say a word she vanished back out the door.

Chakwas coughed politely into the ensuing silence and very carefully gave them some space as she found an errand to take her to the far side of the room. Gina pulled her shirt back on, cursing colourfully under her breath as her arm tangled in one sleeve and she was forced to slow down.

"Did you see her face?" she asked him quietly as she zipped up the front and attacked the buckles. "She looked-"

"Horrified?" Kaidan supplied. "Furious? Murderous? It's not surprising. Some of your bruises are a little ... _confronting_." He gave her arms a squeeze as she finished dressing. "Go talk to her and I'll make myself scarce. God knows she looked angry enough to skin me alive."

Gina nodded but stayed put for a moment, moving her weight from foot to foot. "Kaidan, do we really need to explain ourselves to her?" She looked up and met his gaze. "I mean, this is no one else's business, least of all hers."

She was right; it wasn't anyone else's business.

_But_ … .

"Normally I'd agree, but Liara is your friend _and_ she'd the Shadow Broker. If she thinks I'm hurting you-" Kaidan let his words trail off and he gave her another reassuring squeeze. "You don't need to explain yourself, or us, or anything like that. But let her know that you're not being abused. She's your friend and she cares about you, so at least put her mind at ease."

Gina nodded and stepped forward, giving him a brief but intense hug before she stepped back and raced from the room. Kaidan watched her go with his heart in his mouth and only looked away when Doctor Chakwas cleared her throat. She was watching him with a small smile on her face and she looked both motherly and amused as he flushed again.

"I'd never have guessed, Major," she said simply, her voice lilting with amusement as she walked back to her desk and began to download her omni-tool data to her terminal. "But I'm happy for you both."

For a moment Kaidan just looked at her, stunned and slightly embarrassed, then the hilarity of the situation and the awkwardness Chakwas must be feeling dawned on him and he chuckled; the least he could do was break the tension for her.

"Well, you know what they say Doctor," he told her with a grin as she glanced back over her shoulder at him. "It's always the quiet ones."

* * *

**A/N - The next chapter will have a little Liara & Shepard moment that a few people have sensed was coming for a while now, and then we'll be on to the quarian homeworld and my horrible big plot twist! Eeep! I hope you enjoyed this - reviews are always treasured and appreciated.**


	37. Chapter 37

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N - Thank you to everyone for the lovely comments, well wishes and feedback on my last chapter. It was certainly very welcome. Thank you all for reading along and sticking with me over my rough holiday period. For anyone interested, I did write a very very smutty Gina/Kaidan oneshot that involves some rope bondage. Okay. Lots of rope bondage and sex. But it's very, very loving and very them. I ony posted it here at AO3 so take a look if you'd like! The poor FFN people miss out unless they happen to ask for it.**

**This chapter is shorter than I wanted, but my dog is very sick and I'm a little stressed. I'll make the next chapter a little longer than usual to make up for it! In the meantime, enjoy!**

* * *

The heartbeat of the Normandy stretched around Shepard, filling the air with a deep vibrating thrum that she felt right to her very core. She timed her breaths to match the pulses, her hands curling and uncurling around the cold metal railing around the drive core. With each deep breath she tried to calm the tension twisting in her stomach, the waves of rolling fear that washed over her, and the anxiety that had wrapped clammy hands around her throat.

She hadn't gone to see Liara like she'd told Kaidan she would, instead she'd retreated down to engineering to gather her thoughts.

Gina sighed; she didn't _want_ to talk to Liara and listen to her accusations. Nor did she want to see that look of revulsion and fury on her face again. Cowardly though it was, she wanted to run away and pretend it wasn't happening. To bury her head in the sand instead of drowning in the embarrassment she'd inevitably feel talking to her friend about something so intimate and personal.

What she did with Kaidan, and what Kaidan did _to_ her, was no one else's business!

"Shepard?"

_Oh crap!_

Gina turned at the sound of Liara's voice and almost flinched at the carefully neutral expression on the asari's face. It wasn't the face of her long-time friend, it was the face of the Shadow Broker; the face of the woman she'd found on Illium dealing information. Her eyes were hard and cold, determined and angry.

"I'm sorry if I'm disturbing you, EDI told me you were here." Liara came closer, the blue light of the drive core playing over her face.

Shepard swallowed and tried to calm the rolling of her stomach. "It's fine, I was going to come and see you anyway."

_Eventually._

Facing Liara and explaining her relationship with Kaidan was something she didn't want to do. She'd never told anyone about this side of her before, and she hadn't expected to ever have to – but the way Liara had looked at Kaidan, so full of disgust and anger, meant that she had no choice. She needed to straighten this mess out and explain to her friend that she and Kaidan were two consenting adults who were in love, and nothing more.

Liara sighed, closing her eyes and pressing a hand to her face. She looked angry and upset, and just as uncomfortable as Gina felt.

"Liara?" She prompted as the silence stretched. "Do you want to talk about what you saw?" Gina took a step towards her and was unprepared when Liara's head snapped violently upwards, her eyes wide and teary.

"Talk about it?" Liara thundered, her biotics snapping through the air like live electricity. " _Talk about it_?"

Gina opened and closed her mouth wordlessly, before finally finding her voice. "Well, yes. I thought we could talk about-"

"There's nothing to talk about! He's hurting you," Liara bit out angrily, her voice vibrating with barely contained rage. She crossed the room in two steps and her hands hovered in the air over Gina's shoulders, as though frightened to touch her. "My god, Shepard. If you'd told me-"

Gina shook her head and tried to step away, but her back hit the railing. The room closed in around her, the noise and light that she'd taken refuge in suddenly oppressive and overwhelming.

Liara had it all wrong – she thought she was a _victim_.

"Liara, no." She caught one of Liara's hands mid-air. "Kaidan's not hurting me."

Silence fell and for a handful of heartbeats her friend stared at her, blue eyes boring into green. She could see the disgust and confusion swirling in their depths, a rejection of everything she was hearing. Liara already thought she knew the truth, and admirable though it was for her to want to stand up for her like this, it wasn't necessary.

Her friend sucked in a breath and pulled her hand free. "I saw the bruises. I saw the … God. I don't even want to think about it. It's monstrous! He's using you! You don't need to lie to protect him!"

"Will you stop and listen? Kaidan doesn't hurt me." Gina let out a frustrated sigh and pressed the heel of her hand to her forehead. "Do you really think I'd let someone do something to me that I didn't want?"

Liara's shook her head, rejecting her words. "Of course not, Shepard! I know you're strong. But are you seriously trying to tell me that Kaidan didn't do that to you?" She let out a shaky breath. "I'm not stupid!"

Shepard groaned and buried her face in her hands. "No, the marks are from him, but only because … I asked him to."

Silence fell and she looked up to find Liara watching her, confused.

"Liara, Kaidan and I … we like this kind of thing. I like it." She waited, watching as Liara's thoughts slid over her face like quicksand, but passing so fast that she couldn't tell what she was thinking. "Do you understand? He's not hurting me, I promise you. We love each other."

Liara stared at her for the space of ten heartbeats, each of which Gina felt thud hard in her chest, then she sighed and the anger visibly drained from her body.

"You love him even though he ... ?" Realisation dawned on her face and something flashed through her eyes that she wasn't quite quick enough to hide; an emotion that looked suspiciously like disappointment. "I thought he was … ," she trailed off, embarrassed. "Shepard, I'm so sorry! I thought he was hurting you, I didn't know that you… that he … ." Liara couldn't seem to finish her sentence, and she flushed as she took a step forward and seized her hand. "I saw the bruises and I assumed the worst. I didn't know humans did this sort of thing too."

"Too?" Gina was torn between laughing with relief and groaning in frustration as her adrenaline drained away. "Does that mean that asari … ?" she raised an eyebrow

Liara looked away, clearly uncomfortable, and twined her hands together. "Well, I don't know much about that sort of thing, but there are several asari consorts who specialise in _Ber'ah Setah_." The lavender flush on her cheeks deepened further. "That's what we call it; _Strange Love_."

"Strange Love?" She raised an eyebrow. "I like that. So does that mean you're not going to run screaming from me? Because when you looked at me upstairs you looked like-"

"No, never! You're my friend!" Liara abruptly pulled her into a hug, her biotics tickling where their skin touched. "I'm so embarrassed!" she breathed against her shoulder. "You must think I'm a complete idiot!"

"Well, not an idiot, but sometimes you do seem rather naïve. I just didn't want you to get the wrong idea about Kaidan and I." Shepard grinned as Liara pulled back from the hug and swatted her on the arm. "Ow! What was that for?"

Liara huffed, but her lips curled into a smile. "I may only be 109 years old, but I'm hardly naïve."

"Okay, okay!" She held up her hands in mock surrender. "You're right." There was another longer pause, and Gina sighed. "Thanks for understanding, Liara. It's not easy to talk about this."

"You're my friend, Shepard. I just want you to be happy. And if it makes you feel any better," Liara started to walk away and paused to glance over her shoulder, her eyes dancing mischievously. "I promise not to use my position as the Shadow Broker to sell your secret even though I'm sure I could make a great deal of credits."

Gina laughed and hurried to catch up with her. "Just so long as you don't use your position as Shadow Broker to sell Kaidan's secret either."

The asari flashed her an innocent look as they left the engineering section of the ship. "Me? Do something like that? _Never_! Well," Liara paused and tapped a finger against her lips. "Unless he really hurt you again, Horizon style, then I'd-"

"Flay him alive with your mind?" Gina chuckled at her friend's indignant gasp as they got into the lift. "Oh come on, I just _know_ you're still using that line on people."

Liara narrowed her eyes and crossed her arms. "I don't know what you're talking about," she said airily. "I'd _never_ make such a threat."

"No, of course not," Shepard agreed with a small grin. " _Never_."

They parted ways on crew deck; Liara hurrying back to her room looking like an extremely embarrassed asari trying to play it cool, while Gina continued to the CIC, eternally grateful that the conversation hadn't been as painful as she'd expected. Though how she would ever look Liara in the eye again without blushing, she wasn't sure.

"Joker?" she asked as tapped out a quick message to let Kaidan know she'd talked to Liara. "How long until we reach the Far Rim?"

There was a pause before the pilot answered. "Another seven hours give or take. You could probably get some shut eye, Commander. EDI can wake you when we're an hour out."

Gina considered for a moment; she _was_ exhausted and sleep sounded good.

"Thanks Joker, I'd appreciate it."

She flicked through her omni-tool screen and opened the message Hackett had sent just after her mission on Eden Prime. It was short and to the point, congratulating her on acquiring Javik from Cerberus' clutches, and informing her that that the quarians were offering to help with the war against the reapers.

Only they wanted to meet with the Alliance first.

More specifically they wanted to meet with _Commander Shepard_.

Gina sighed and returned to her cabin. Hopefully the quarians just wanted to meet as a formality before they joined the war effort and _not_ to broker some sort of deal. All the politicking she'd gone through with the Krogans, Salarians and Turians had exhausted her. Getting the quarians onside with no strings attached would be a blessing.

The cabin was empty when she got there and Gina stripped off and climbed into bed alone, fatigue hanging off her like a cloak. The stress of dealing with Liara had left her exhausted, and she drifted off almost as soon as her head hit the pillow – waking only briefly when Kaidan finally made it to bed and kissed her goodnight.

She slept badly and dreamed of strange things; of Liara shouting at her in High Thessian and the quarians arguing as pointlessly as they had at Tali's trial all those months ago. By the time EDI woke her, a lump had settled into the pit of her stomach and she dragged herself out of bed without enthusiasm. She woke Kaidan and stuffed her exhausted body into her dress blues as though she was heading to her execution instead of a meeting with quarian admirals.

Try as she might, Gina couldn't shake the uncomfortable lurking suspicion that something bad was about to happen. It was a feeling she was familiar with, having spent most of her adult life stumbling from one crisis to another, and the closer they got to the Far Rim, the more certain she was that the Normandy was about to walk into a shitstorm.

"You okay?" Kaidan asked over breakfast, swilling down black coffee as though his life depended on it. "You look exhausted and you kept mumbling in your sleep."

Gina nodded and swallowed down another bite of her MRE: it tasted like sawdust.

"Yeah," she told him as she snagged his cup of coffee and took a long swallow. "Just slept badly."

He took the cup back when she offered it. "Everything went okay with Liara? I wanted to talk to you about it last night, but you seemed exhausted when I came to bed."

"It went fine." Gina's cheeks burned at the memory of the awkward conversation. "Though I don't think she's ever going to see either of us in the same light again." Kaidan chuckled and she waited for him to stop before she added. "I've just got a bad feeling about the quarians."

He considered her for a long moment, frowning. "What kind of bad feeling? You don't trust them?"

She shrugged. "It's not that exactly, it's more that they've been so quiet lately. No one has seen the fleet or had contact with them for months, and then all of a sudden they contact us wanting to help with the war effort, but only after they meet with me? Something just feels off."

Kaidan nodded. "You think they want something in return?"

"I don't know." Gina finished her rations off with a few bites and stood up from the table. "But we'll find out soon enough."

They returned their trays and made their way to the War Room to wait for the Admirals and, _hopefully_ , get some help with the war. After all, the reapers were synthetic and no one knew more about fighting synthetics than the quarians.

Unfortunately, what the Admirals had to say didn't improve her mood at all.

* * *

**A/N - Thanks for reading - remember if you'd like to read the smutty Gina/Kaidan bondage oneshot, I totally encourage it. Positive thoughts for my doggy are appreciated!**


	38. Chapter 38

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – Thank you as always to my wonderful readers and especially to my reviewers. The feedback on the last chapters was wonderful! Today you get a special birthday chapter! I hope you enjoy it!**

* * *

"Those idiots!" Gina stormed through security on a wave of biotic energy, her anger crackling around her like an invisible thundercloud. "Of all the stupid, moronic, imbecilic things to do, they had to go and pick a fight with the geth while the fucking Reapers were invading." She slammed a fist into the nearest wall and Traynor jumped back, startled by the show of force.

Kaidan blinked; he hadn't seen Gina this angry since the council had grounded her during in their hunt for Saren.

She continued her rant, oblivious as crew members began to slink away. "I mean, I understand that they want their home back, but don't they understand that there won't be any of them left to go home if we don't stop the Reapers?" Gina braced her hands on the wall, breathing deeply. "I want to fucking scream."

Kaidan cleared his throat and motioned for Traynor to give them some space. A tiny thread of concern worked its way through him, and he took a few steps closer, only stopping when her biotics clashed against his; grating and harsh.

"What happened?" he asked as she pushed away from the wall and glowered unhappily at the retreating crewmen.

Her eyes snapped to him, slivers blue light whirring in them. "What happened?" she repeated, almost growling the word. "What happened is that those idiots are fighting with the geth! They don't want to help in the war against the Reapers as much as they want our help to fight the geth."

Tali and Admiral Raan came through the security checkpoint mid-rant and hesitated, their faceplates fixed on Gina as she paced.

"Commander Shepard?" Raan stepped forward and held out a placating hand. "I know this isn't easy, and believe me, I can only apologise for the behaviour of the others, but time is short. If we could continue the meeting … ?"

Kaidan winced as Gina's biotics spiked just enough to crackle against his. _Did the quarians realise how angry she was?_

Gina turned to them with a smile that was more a baring of her teeth. "Of course," she said politely. "Please go back to the other Admirals. I'll return in a moment." They left, though Tali glanced back at Shepard as though she could sense how angry she was. When they were gone Gina drew in a deep breath. "Those idiots attacked the geth with some sort of new weapon, and what do you think the geth did?"

"Fought back?" he guessed.

"Oh, they didn't _just_ fight back." She wiped a hand down her face, looking exhausted as the anger left her. "The geth went to the Reapers. _The Reapers_ , Kaidan. So now the quarians are fighting two enemies at the same time. Fighting and losing, might I add." She cast a glance back towards the war room, the expression on her face making it clear that she didn't want to hear what they had to say.

And he understood why; the quarians weren't offering their help at all. They were just so desperate to dig themselves out of the hole they were in that they were willing to bargain with the Alliance. He wouldn't have blamed them for that under normal circumstances, but picking a fight with the geth when they'd known the Reapers were coming had been extremely foolish.

He nodded towards the security clearance. "Want me to go with you? As a Spectre, of course?"

Gina smiled and a little more of the anger visibly drained away. "I'm that scary when I'm mad, huh?"

"Well, I don't know about _scary_ ," Kaidan scrubbed the back of his neck and grinned. "But I don't think punching one of the admirals in the face is good for diplomatic relations."

She half-laughed and half-groaned at him. "Forget punching them. I want to shake them by the shoulders until they see sense, but it's too late for that. They've already done all the damage they can do. All I can do is try to pull their asses out of the fire." With a low sigh she straightened and her Commander Shepard mask slipped back into place. "Thanks for the offer, but I'll finish off with the Admirals and meet you down in the Shuttle Bay."

"Shuttle Bay?" He blinked in confusion before he could stop himself.

"Yeah, it seems like the first order of business is going to be stopping a Reaper signal being broadcast from a Geth dreadnought. It's what's giving the Geth the edge in the fight." Gina ran a hand through her hair and rallied herself. "I have a few more things to discuss with the quarians and then I'll give Joker the coordinates and meet you to suit up." She turned and walked back through security, a picture of calm and poise.

Kaidan's eyes were drawn to her figure in the dress blues almost involuntarily; following along the curve of her waist and down those long shapely legs that seemed to go forever. Someone coughed to his left and he turned to find Traynor beside him, a small smile tugging at the corners of her lips as her eyes slid from him to Shepard.

He straightened. "As you were, Comms Officer."

"Yes sir." She snapped her heels together jauntily and wiggled her eyebrows to show exactly what she thought of him watching Shepard.

Kaidan made his way down to the Shuttle Bay, his thoughts on the quarians and why they had chosen this moment to pick a fight with the Geth. He understood the concept of wanting to take your home world back from hostile forces, understood it intimately after what had happened on Earth, but the quarians had _known_ the Reapers were coming. They'd heard all of Shepard's warnings. Had they been so wrapped up in their own problems they'd forgotten about the wider galaxy? That some problems were bigger than just one civilisation or race?

He sighed and began to dress, ignoring the plaintive looks from the biotic students as they saw him prepping for a mission. Dropping a team that included students onto a Geth dreadnought wasn't something Shepard would be comfortable with, of that he was certain, so he ignored their looks. The kids were good, but they had a way to go before he would be comfortable taking them into a genuine war zone with Geth.

By the time he was suited up, Gina had joined him and she dressed in record speed, her movements quick and angry. She muttered under her breath the entire time; her red hair wild and tussled, her cheeks flushed, and her eyes sparking. It was always amusing when she lost her temper; Gina was normally calm and serene, but right now she looked every bit like the rose that he often compared her too – thorns and all.

"Breathe, Rosie, breathe," he teased gently as she clipped her armour plating on with far more force than necessary.

She flashed a cranky look at him and finished "Easy for you to say, you haven't had to sit there and listen to the quarians squabbling amongst themselves like children. Half of them wanted the war, half of them were opposed to it! They can't agree on anything, and you know what? They _still_ can't make up their minds about what to do with the Geth and Rannoch. The only reason they asked us for help is because they bit off more than they can chew."

"And Tali?" Kaidan asked as they collected their weapons and ammo, the weight of the guns familiar and comforting.

"Well, she's an Admiral now and she had the good sense to oppose the war, but she's frustrated because the others don't listen to her." Gina strode towards the elevator and Kaidan hurried to keep up. "She's coming with us," she added casually. "And Admiral Xen."

Kaidan almost stopped. "Admiral Xen? The _creepy_ one"

Admiral Daro'Xen had given him the shivers the moment he'd shaken her hand. She'd held on for a moment too long, her silvery eyes narrowing behind her mask as she gave him a quick once over. He'd felt like a specimen as she'd studied him, and had Shepard not shuffled the Admirals along to begin their meeting, he felt sure she would have started quizzing him about his biotics.

Yeah, she'd creeped him out.

"Creepy?" Gina stepped into the elevator and faced him, the small smile playing around her mouth again. "You barely even spoke when she came on board. What's so creepy about her?"

"I don't know." Kaidan thought about it as the elevator sped to the CIC. "There was something in the way she spoke that just seemed ... _creepy_. She gives off mad scientist vibes."

She laughed. "Oh man, you should have met Mordin. He gave off mad scientist vibes like no one else."

A shadow passed over her face, and he knew she was thinking of all the people they'd lost; people like Thane and Mordin, but a moment later the shadow was gone and she smiled at him again.

The elevator spilled them onto the CIC level and they hurried to the airlock where Tali and Admiral Xen were waiting for them. Once inside, Gina sealed the door and double checked the door's seal before she stepped away.

No one spoke.

_"We're coming up on the Geth dreadnought now, Commander."_ Joker's voice came over the comm, breaking the awkward silence. _"Stealth systems are engaged so we should be undetected so long as they don't-"_

"Look out a window?" Gina finished, chuckling to herself.

Tali laughed too, as though it were an old joke, but the reference went straight over Kaidan's head and he shrugged.

They fitted their breather helmets in place and Kaidan's world instantly narrowed to a small strip of vision and the sound of his own breathing. He glanced over at Gina and wondered how she felt about this, especially since she'd been wearing one of these when she been spaced over Alchera.

Did it bring back memories? Was she feeling tension and fear even now? He checked her bio readout on his omni-tool, but her heart rate and breathing was normal; if she was worried then she wasn't showing it.

There was a small bump and Joker spoke again, his voice tinny and sharp over the helmet comms. _"I'm at the docking tube and I've locked on, but,"_ he paused as though checking his instruments. _"To be honest, it's in a pretty bad state. It looks like it took a hit. Or ten hits."_ There was another pause, longer, and then he spoke again. _"Hang on, while I open the airlock and I'll show you."_

They activated their mag boots and Joker cycled the airlock. It slid open, giving them a disorientating view of the mangled docking tube that stretched ahead of them. Kaidan's stomach turned sickeningly at the sight of all the crumpled metal, twisted debris, and warped or missing panels that exposed the vacuum of space beyond.

"Oh Keelah," Tali breathed. "I didn't know it would be so bad."

Gina shifted slightly, a small change of posture that normally would have meant nothing, but which let Kaidan know she _wasn't_ okay with this.

"We'll be fine," she told them, her voice strong despite her physical tell. "We'll go over one by one and take it slow. It should hold as long as we're careful."

"Nonsense." Admiral Xen moved forward to the lip of the airlock, her voice scathing as she scanned the tube and checked her readings. "It's structurally stable. We'll go across in a group."

No one moved and Kaidan's dislike for the Admiral grew just that little bit more.

"No." Gina shook her head, her tone commanding and sharp. "This is my operation. We'll do it my way or we don't do it at all."

For a moment Kaidan thought Admiral Xen was going to argue with her, and judging from the way Tali caught her breath, he was sure she thought so too. But with a graceful nod the quarian stepped back and motioned towards the docking tube with a sweeping gesture.

"Whatever you say, Commander." Her tone was icy. "After _you_."

Gina froze.

Instinctively, Kaidan wanted to reassure her that she did not need to go down this docking tube first, that she didn't need to go down it at all, but he bit back his words. It wasn't his place to tell her what to do when she was working, and he sure as hell wasn't going to undermine her in front of Admiral Xen. It killed him, but he kept quiet as she gathered herself, nodded, and stepped forward.

"Of course," she said sweetly. "That's very kind of you, _Admiral_." Her tone could have cut class, but Admiral Xen seemed unaffected as Gina stepped through the safety of the Normandy's airlock and into the void beyond. "I'll radio back when I'm at the other side and it's safe for the next person to proceed," she told them, turning around to look at them one final time.

The image of her, framed against the black with stars and metal floating around her, was one Kaidan knew he'd never forget, and his stomach clenched tightly. Her eyes rested on him and he nodded at her reassuringly, wishing that they didn't have all these people around them so he could tell her openly how he felt. The words were there, but he held them in, swallowed them back and showed her with his eyes that he knew she could do this.

He had faith in her.

Gina held his gaze for a moment longer, then faced the dreadnought and took her first steps on the docking tube, moving slowly and carefully as she vanished into the black. Kaidan's heart thumped painfully as she began to walk up and around the tube, onto what looked like the roof for them. She vanished from view and he tensed, waiting for her to reappear. A hand fastened around his arm and Kaidan jumped, surprised to see Tali looking up at him.

"Breathe," she said softly, her voice trickling through his helmet. "Shepard knows what's she's doing."

Kaidan realised he'd been holding his breath and he let it out slowly as he nodded. "I know, but she-" He paused, frowning, as Admiral Xen stepped forward and looked out over the docking tube.

For a moment he'd thought she was about to follow Gina despite her orders.

"Wow." Gina's voice reached them, sounding awed. "Tali, you're going to love this view. Rannoch is breathtaking."

Tali's hand squeezed his arm and she let him go. "What do you see?" her tone was encouraging, coaxing, and she moved up next to Admiral Xen to look out over the tube, blocking Kaidan's view.

He forced himself to draw in a breath and to keep breathing as he waited for her to speak.

"I can see Rannoch through some of the gaps. It's so beautiful. And the stars are amazing." She sounded completely in awe. "I can see the land and the oceans, it's like a jewel."

Tali sighed happily and Admiral Xen leaned through the airlock beside her, apparently trying to catch a glimpse of their homework. One moment she was leaning out, and the next she'd stepped down onto the docking tube - ignoring Gina's orders.

"Admiral Xen!" Tali tried to grab her arm, but the other woman ducked out of reach and set out across the docking tube.

Kaidan cursed loudly and scrambled to the edge, debating using his biotics to try and snag the quarian and wrench her back in. _No_. If he tried that there was a chance he might hit the docking tube and do some damage. He cursed again, louder, while Tali tried desperately to convince Admiral Xen to come back - but the she ignored the younger quarian completely.

"What going on?" Gina stopped moving, and Kaidan saw her look back in the distance. "Who the hell is on the docking tube?" Her voice, like steel, slashed over the comms, vibrating with anger.

"You're almost at the other side," Admiral Xen spoke up smugly. "And see? It's holding?"

The quarian moved faster than Gina had, easily skirting around damaged panels with a grace and ease that showed how often she must have worked in a Zero G atmosphere. Kaidan watched with his heart in his mouth, clutching the side of the airlock and hoping against hope that the tube would hold as Gina started to cross those final few metres to the Geth dreadnought.

She was stepping over a crumpled panel when the docking tube gave a small heave. In the void of space it made no noise, but the entire tube rippled with movement and debris spun free, shooting off through the air. Gina screamed, a short frightened yelp which had Kaidan's adrenaline surging in panic as he saw the docking tube begin to rip free. Admiral Xen, who had disengaged her boots and was leaping across an empty portion of space was hit by a dislodged panel, and with a small cry she slammed into the floor of the docking tube, the crash enough to knock the tube free completely.

"Gina!" Fear dragged sharpened nails down his spine and Kaidan rushed forward to the edge of the airlock as the docking tube fell away from the dreadnought, huge chunks floating away in space.

It was impossible to see where she'd gone. Debris was everywhere. It hindered his vision. Sparkled in the light of Rannoch's sun. Small pieces. Big pieces. Bits of metal that looked vaguely human shaped. They spun everywhere. Shooting all in all directions.

_Where is she?_

Kaidan reached the airlock door and was desperately scanning for Gina when Tali wrapped a hand as gentle as a meat hook around his arm, wrenching him back while she hit the manual door release and sent the hatch crashing down to seal them in. His anger surged; _how dare she_! But at that moment the ship tossed with the shock of the tube pulling free and they were thrown hard into the wall.

Kaidan's head reeled as he pulled free from Tali and staggered to his feet. Some distant part of his brain still operating on logic realised that if she hadn't closed that door they might have been knocked out into space, but he ignored the thought; the clamouring panic to find Shepard overrode everything.

"Commander, can you hear me?" He tried the comms and the panicked beating of his heart grew faster when she didn't respond. "Shepard?" Still nothing. He glanced up at the camera in the corner of the room. "Joker, where is she? Can you get a read on her" The airlock door had no window, but he reeled towards it anyway and slammed a hand uselessly into the thick metal. "Is she okay?"

_Jesus, Shepard! Be okay. Be okay. I can't do this without you. Not again._

" _Hang on, Major. I need to disengage from this docking tube before it rips the side of my ship off."_ Joker sounded panicked, but Kaidan ignored the tone.

There was a deep thrumming as the docking clamps disengaged and the Normandy pulled free with several scraping clunks as debris hit the ship.

"Shepard? Can you hear me? Gina?" Kaidan paced with his heart in his mouth, fear clouding his vision. " _Gina_?"

_Not again. Not again. Please God, not again._

Tali got to her feet and braced a hand on the wall as though winded. "Admiral Xen?" She tried her own radio to no avail. "Admiral Xen, can you hear me?"

Suddenly there was a crackle of static and voices burst over the comm all at once, a jumbled confusion of sound and distortion that made no sense.

" _I'm fine … bloody …. tube … Admiral Xen is … like nothing I've ever … read me?_ " Gina's voice, breathless and tight, came through in quick snatches.

At the same time Admiral Xen could be heard trying to talk over her. _"Small suit rupture … sealed … serious … find another … Commander … Tali?"_

The clamouring voices coupled with the squeals and static made it impossible to hear properly, but Kaidan sagged with relief, light headed as the adrenalin rush faded and his legs went weak.

_Shepard was alive._

She was stuck somewhere out in the dark of space, but she was alive.

" _We're having trouble making you out Commander, can you repeat that?"_ Joker, sounding relieved, spoke before he could, and a flash of anger shot through Kaidan; he should have been the one asking that question. Not Joker.

Never Joker.

Not after what he'd done to her.

He fought down the irrational anger with difficulty and straightened, taking in a deep breath and listening hard as silence stretched.

"I said," Gina's voice was clearer when it came back over the comm. "I'm fine, but the bloody tube clipped my suit and I've lost both my guns. Admiral Xen managed to make it over here as the tube collapsed. We're inside the geth ship now and it's like nothing I've ever seen. Is everyone alright over there? Can you read me?"

"We read you, Shepard." Kaidan placed his hand back on the door, wishing he had the ability teleport over there right now and hold her close. His heart was still hammering hard. "It's good hear your voice."

There was a small intake of breath. "Yours too, Kaidan." The tinge of vulnerability in her tone let him know how scared she'd been, but it was gone when she spoke again. "Admiral Xen had a suit ruptured but she's sealed it and says it isn't serious as it occurred in vacuum. Can Tali guide Joker to another docking tube?"

"I'm already on it, Shepard." True to her word Tali had her omni-tool open and was uploading data to the Normandy so fast her fingers were a blur. "We'll be there soon, just sit tight."

"Don't worry; we will." Gina sounded amused. "It's not like we have anywhere else to go."

Kaidan leaned against the door as Joker shifted to the new coordinates. All he could think about was how close he'd come to losing Gina to the black of space again; and all because the damned Admiral hadn't been able to wait another few seconds for her to make it to the other side. The thought of what might have happened made him sick to his stomach, but he pulled himself together with a small shake; nothing _had_ happened, Gina was _fine,_ and right now he needed to be strong for her.

Because as brave as she sounded, she was currently stuck on a Geth dreadnought full of hostile synthetics, completely unarmed, and with only a creepy quarian Admiral for backup.

He wouldn't have wished that situation on his worst enemy.

* * *

**A/N – And so begins my slow slide into a diverging canon! :D I hope you enjoy where this goes!**


	39. Chapter 39

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – As always a big thank you to my followers and readers, and an especially big hug for my reviewers. I have to admit that I struggled with this chapter. I'm not sure why, but it took much longer to write than I anticipated. Hopefully you'll enjoy it!**

* * *

_"Down, now!"_

Gina didn't think as she hurled herself to the ground and rolled across the floor with a squeal of armour on metal. A Cryo Blast sizzled over her head, cold enough to freeze the air in her lungs, and slammed into a geth hunter that she'd been tangling with. The geth let out a pitiful squeal of digital noise as it slowed down, it's lights dimming as it iced over, and with a crackle of ice and metal it's casing split and it toppled to the floor.

A geth prime emerged from the security corridor they were attempted to plug and Gina dodged away as it opened fire on her, using a charge to get herself to cover fast. Her body hummed with biotic power, the energy flowing through her veins in a surge that left her tingling, and with a small grunt, she pulled herself up short and dropped into cover behind a console.

The geth were everywhere, and every time they dispatched one patrol another would show up. Xen was at a control terminal on the far side of the room, hacking the security system to set up a diversion to draw them away, but it was slow work when they were being attacked without pause.

"How many more?" she called, ejecting a thermal clip from the Arc Pistol she had _borrowed_ from Xen. It was a strange looking weapon, small and efficient, and it packed a hell of a punch; cutting through the geth better than anything the Alliance had.

Kaidan slid into cover beside her, his biotics vibrating against hers. "One more prime and two hunters."

"Cloaked?" She handed him a thermal clip and he reloaded.

He shook his head. "No, Tali managed to hack both their cloaking systems. They're visible."

"Excellent."

She leaned out from cover and sighted on the prime, firing into it into her clip overheated. The prime sank to its knees, sparkling and shuddering, and Gina switched her attention to the geth hunters which lurked nearby. In a smooth movement she rolled to her feet and charged at them, her biotics driving her forward powerfully.

She heard Kaidan fire his assault rifle as she surged towards the geth, and cursed as she realised he was firing at the same geth she was charging at. Bullets whizzed past and Gina grit her teeth as a stray shot hit precisely in gap in her armour at the back of her knees, the bullet shredding apart and burying into her flesh. She stumbled, falling out of her charge and clattering to the floor in front of the hunters with cry.

The hunters seemed surprised to see her there, and for a moment neither party moved, then the geth let out a shrill stream of distorted noise. They started to raise their weapons when they were hit with barrage attacks from Tali and Kaidan. His Cryoblast and her Overload taking them both out in a cloud of acrid smoke and hot metal. Gina curled into a ball, protecting her face from the fiery debris.

Her head rang loudly as the smoke cleared; a high pitched whine that slowly faded to a background buzz. She groaned and pushed off the ground, wincing as she put weight on her knee and pain writhed through her. With a hiss of agony, she clenched her teeth and forced herself up to her feet. She could do this; she'd taken far worse injuries in her time.

Then she heard it; the beeping alert that indicated a breach in her armour.

She was leaking oxygen.

_No. No. No._

The sound drilled into her brain, the same sound she'd heard over Alchera as she'd suffocated, and panic wrapped tight around her body, squeezing the air from her lungs and every thought from her head. She collapsed back to the floor, forgetting that she had suit sealant in a pocket, forgetting everything except the noise in her helmet and memories of choking, memories of trying to save herself and failing. Gina frantically clutched at her leg, trying to plug the hole, gasping for breath as she began to hyperventilate.

"Commander? _Shepard_!" Kaidan's voice barely reached her. He tried to pull her hands away from her leg and she panicked further, screaming and kicking as she fought to drag her hands back to the breach.

She couldn't breathe.

_She couldn't breathe!_

"Gina, I've got you!" Kaidan grabbed her helmet and forced her to look at him, his brown eyes wide behind his visor. "Look at me! Stop fighting and look at me!" His voice took on a harsh authoritive tone and Gina went rigid it penetrated the fog of fear around her. "Are you listening?"

Kaidan had her.

She nodded, her breathing ragged as the godforsaken beeping continued.

"We need to seal your suit. Move your hands." His orders were sharp and clear, and she moved them obediently, instinct kicking in, overriding the terror that made her heart thump in her chest and blood roar in her ears.

Xen and Tali sealed her suit while Kaidan kept his hands on her helmet, forcing her to meet his eyes, holding her attention while they patched it. Her suit slowly pressurised and the beeping finally stopped, the silence in her helmet filled with her own gasps for air. She concentrated on drawing breath, on slowing her breathing and her heart rate, and on calming herself down.

"I'm okay," she said after a moment, pulling free of Kaidan and sinking to the floor. Embarrassment began crawling through her, but she shrugged it aside. She could be embarrassed later, right now they had a job to do and thanks to her panicking they had even less time to work with. She turned to Xen and Tali. "The geth?"

"I hacked their security," Xen said matter-of-factly, wisely choosing not to comment on Gina's reaction to the suit rupture. "All geth have been drawn to the far side of the ship by a diversion."

"Good." Gina slowly climbed to her feet and ran a diagnostic on her suit, double checking that the rupture was sealed. She could feel Kaidan beside her, an unhappy silent presence, but she ignored him and glanced at Tali. "Which way to the geth signal?"

The quarian pointed towards a door on the other side of the room. "This way, but are you sure you don't need a minute-"

"I'm fine." She knew it was a lie, but there was no point admitting how much pain she was in or how shaken she was. It would change nothing and they still had a mission to complete.

The quarians moved up to hack the locks, giving Kaidan and Gina the illusion of privacy, and she turned to look at him.

"Thank you," she said softly as she caught his hand in hers.

He stiffened and for a moment she thought he would pull away, then he sighed. "Jesus, don't thank me; I shot you." His hand tightened around hers. " _I shot you_ ," he repeated, his voice cracking.

Gina shook her head and squeezed his hand a little harder. "It wasn't your fault. I charged at targets you were firing on, and my shields weren't working properly. If you're going to blame someone, blame the docking tube for collapsing and damaging my armour." She gestured towards the others.

"Or blame the person who brought it down," Kaidan muttered, his voice barely audible over the comms.

Across the room, Xen's back stiffened, but she continued working on the hack with Tali.

"I'm fine, Kaidan, really. Thank you for calming me down." She pivoted slightly on one leg and tried not to wince as her knee let out a twinge of pain.

He nodded, his eyes dark with worry behind his visor. "Was it the breach?" Kaidan asked, obviously referring to her panic attack.

"Kind of," Gina shifted on the spot, uncomfortably aware that Tali and Xen were listening to them. "The beeping of my suit when it ruptured reminded me of, well, it reminded me of Alchera." She spat it out quickly and shrugged when Kaidan made a small sound of pain. "It's fine. Let's get back to work. We can talk about this later."

Kaidan reached forward to stop her when she went to step away. "Gina, I'm so sorry. Really. We will talk about it later, but … I'm sorry you had to remember that."

She nodded and pulled away with the distinct impression that her lover was hanging onto his guilt and refusing to acknowledge the accident for what it was. She inwardly sighed, it was a classic Alenko move; wearing his guilt like a millstone around his neck. But this had been an accident, and was more her fault than anyone else's since Kaidan wouldn't have had any time to react to her Charge.

"We're in," Xen called from the door, her omni tool glowing softly and painting the room in flickering shades of orange and umber.

"Let's go." Gina nodded at Kaidan and limped to the door, trying to ignore squelch of blood in her boot and armour.

She'd taken only a few steps through the door when she saw the geth strung up in the middle of the room and stumbled to a stop. Gina's breath caught in her throat and she struggled not to gasp as she saw the familiar lines of an N7 armour plate attached to it. With a sinking heart, her gaze slid over him and took in the cables and reaper tech linking him up to the ship. The geth lifted its head weakly, seeming to be in pain as it looked at them.

"Shepard Commander," it articulated in its familiar voice. "Help us!"

" _Shepard Commander_?" Kaidan glanced sideways at her, his gun aimed squarely at the geth. "It knows you?"

Gina lowered her weapon and gestured for the others to do the same. "Yes, this is Legion. He's my friend."

"Friend!?" Xen and Kaidan both gasped as though she'd said a dirty word and she wondered, absurdly, if the Admiral looked as shocked behind her mask as Kaidan did.

"Yes," she said as she stepped forward. "But I don't understand why it's here."

Legion cocked its head sideways, listening.

"This unit returned to the consensus after the Normandy Crew's return from the Omega Relay," it explained, then launched into an explanation of the quarians attack on the geth, and how the synthetics desperation to survive resulted in them siding with the reapers.

The revelation that Legion had been given reaper upgrades and was being used to broadcast this signal to all the geth was enough to spur them into action, and Xen and Tali set about getting him free of the cables. While they worked Kaidan knelt near Gina and scanned her knee.

"You've got shrapnel lodged behind your kneecap," he told her after a moment, his tone harsh and angry. "Has the medigel kicked in yet?"

Gina hesitated and then reluctantly admitted, "My auto-injectors don't seem to be working."

"What?" Kaidan rocked back on his heels and stared at her, his eyes widening. "You mean you're walking about on your knee without medigel? In pain? Bleeding?" He leapt to his feet and reached for her arm. "Let me see your suit, maybe I can-"

"Admiral Xen already tried to repair it after the docking tube collapsed." She scanned the room as she talked, not entirely putting it past the geth to spring up and attack them again. "It's fine, Kaidan. I can take the pain. Let's just finish the mission and then Chakwas can patch me up. I've taken worse."

"Yeah, but I did this." He sounded furious, and Gina realised his anger was directed at himself. His eyes collided with hers and he sighed, catching one of her hands and squeezing it lightly. "I know, I know, I'm not to blame. But if you ever shoot the person you love, you're to feel pretty damned guilty about it too." He knelt back down and ran his hands over the seal that Tali and Xen had placed on her leg.

Gina smiled as he stood up again, wishing there was something she could say to him over the comm to let him know how much she loved him. But before she could think of anything to say, Legion dropped free and a few moments later the ship rocked under them. Gina's knee twisted painfully, the agony almost blinding and Kaidan's hands shot out, steadying her as the lurching motion stopped.

"What the hell was that?" Another blast rocked the ship as she spoke and the metal groaned around them, almost drowning out her words.

"We disabled the dreadnaughts engines, weapons and shields in a gesture of goodwill." Legion explained, pausing as though listening to a voice they couldn't hear. "The creators took the opportunity to fire on this vessel."

 _Damn Gerrel!_ Gina's head spun as the ship heaved beneath their feet from another blast, and she clutched Kaidan tightly. None of the other admirals would have been as arrogant as to fire on a ship when they were still on board.

"What?" Xen spat. She whirled around and furiously opened comms with the other quarian admirals. "What the hell do you think you're doing? We're still on board!"

Gina couldn't hear the reply, but whatever it was made Xen visibly bristle.

" _Two_ quarian admirals, Gerrel. _Two_! Not to mention the valuable technological information we could gather from this dreadnaught if we capture it!" There was another pause and the admiral spun, punching her hand into the nearest console with enough force to crack the screen. "If you fire on this ship again I'll have you strung up! Do you hear me! I'll drag you in front of the rest of the Admiralty board on charges of treason!"

There was a break in which no one said anything, and then Tali and Xen both visibly relaxed.

"Oh Keelah, thank goodness! He's stopping for now," Tali relayed. She faced Gina and continued, "He's giving us five minutes to retreat but then he's going to fire on the dreadnaught and destroy it."

Gina fumed. "Your flotilla is supposed to be withdrawing! Not staying to fight! What the hell is wrong with you all!"

They didn't answer, but they didn't have to. She knew what was wrong with them; they wanted to go home. Same as she did. Only the quarians had picked the worst time in the world to try and take back their home world.

_Stubborn bastards._

"Shepard Commander, this vessel has sustained significant damage from the initial bombardment, and other geth platforms are closing in on this position. We should retreat." Legion pointed to the exit and, though it may have been her imagination, she thought he sounded _almost_ worried. "A hangar is on this level. We suggest commandeering a geth fighter and returning to the Normandy."

She nodded. "Sounds good, let's go."

They high tailed it out of there, Kaidan looping an arm around Gina's waist and helping her along. They encountered a few geth, but most appeared to be powered down or distracted by whatever it was Legion had done to the engines, and the path to the shuttle bay was mostly clear. The only thing that slowed them down was Xen, who, like a kid in a candy shop, constantly paused to touch some new piece of technology.

"All this valuable technology! Wasted!" Xen lamented as they piled into a geth fighter. "Gerrel is a short sighted fool!"

"He began firing on the dreadnaught when he _knew_ we were still on board. He's more than foolish, he's dangerous." Tali told her as Legion began piloting them out. "If you hadn't been there Xen ... ." she trailed off.

The other admiral nodded. "Yes, I suspect that he would have simply fired on the dreadnaught to destroy it, regardless of who was on board." She leaned forward to watch the geth pilot, her silvery eyes memorising each of his movements. "Even I couldn't talk him out of it completely, but at least I gained us time to retreat. Still," she sighed wistfully. "That dreadnaught would have been invaluable. Instead I'm leaving with a fraction of what I could have been."

Gina leaned back and closed her eyes for the rest of the journey, light headed and dizzy from blood loss. The inside of her armour was wet and sticky from the wound on her knee, and the sensation of wetness stretched right to her toes. She drifted in and out of the conversation, barely paying attention as Xen began to quiz Legion about the capabilities of the geth fighter. At some point she came to and discovered they were landing in the Normandy's shuttle bay, and she heard Legion offer the geth fighter to Xen for her research.

The quarian, usually so suspicious of synthetics, accepted his offer with a level of gratitude which Gina found suspicious and she made a mental note to keep an eye on her. Despite having just fought side by side with Xen, she still couldn't make out much of the Admirals character other than the fact that she had a fanatical and almost obsessive interest with the geth.

"Admiral Xen, I want a meeting with the Admiralty Board," Gina told the older Admiral as they landed. "Your people were supposed to retreat when we took out the reaper signal and you didn't. There are going to be consequences for this."

Xen made a small scoffing sound behind her mask, but before she could answer Legion turned to face them, seeming to look from one to the other.

"The reaper signal has _not_ been stopped," it said bluntly. "All you have done is temporarily disable it. The true source of the signal is on Rannoch. It will take time, but the signal will be rerouted and the geth will reengage the quarian flotilla."

The silence in the back of the fighter as Legion switched off the engines and opened the hatch could have cut class it was so sharp.

"You mean we did all that for nothing," Xen growled. "That the signal is going to come back and the geth will attack us again?"

"Yes." Legion nodded and gestured for them to proceed it out of the fighter.

Xen didn't budge. "And why should we believe you? You're the one who was sending out those signals to begin with-"

"They were using him!" Tali broke in. "You saw them, Xen! He wasn't willingly helping them!"

" _Him_?" The admiral snarled. "It's an _it_! And I don't care if it did help us escape! It's still a geth!"

Legion watched their exchange and shrugged, a human movement that wasn't lost on any of them. "We will assist you in the fight against the old machines. The geth did not wish to engage in a war with the creators, but we could not allow ourselves to be wiped out." It looked down, for all the world looking ashamed. "The geth chose slavery to the old machines over death. The choice did not come easily. But," he paused, seeming to struggle to find the correct phrase "But the geth deserve their freedom from the old machines. If the quarians will assist the geth, the geth will assist the quarians."

Another silence fell. No one moved. Gina barely dared breath as Xen stared at the geth.

"Why?" she asked quietly.

The geth cocked its head. "Because the creators and the geth share a common enemy; the old machines. So long as the creators do not try to wipe out the geth, we could unite against the old machines. We could save Rannoch for both our people."

"I will … consider it. I must talk to the other admirals." Xen was clearly struggling to believe Legion, and she stood stiffly and hurried out the hatch, Tali glancing at Gina and then scurrying after her.

Legion watched them leave and then looked back at Gina. "Thank you for saving us, Shepard Commander."

"You're welcome, Legion." Gina unclipped her helmet and lifted it free, enjoying the blissful feel of the cool ship air against her flushed skin. Kaidan did the same next to her and she stood awkwardly, letting him help her out of the fighter.

Legion and Kaidan both helped her to the infirmary, and then the geth took his leave, explaining that he wished to view EDI's new mobile platform before he met with the Admirals. It may have been her imagination, but Legion sounded about as excited to deal with the quarians as she had been; hardly surprising given that the quarians had decided to exterminate his people.

She undressed as much as she could while Chakwas busied herself at her desk, preparing a local anaesthetic so she could remove the shrapnel stuck in her knee. Kaidan helped her unclip the armour plates she couldn't reach because of the swelling in her knee, and he hissed in sympathy as he removed her boot and helped her wriggle out of her under armour. She couldn't see the wound in the back of her knee, but the lower half of her leg was soaked in blood and her knee had swollen badly.

"Jesus, I'm so sorry." Kaidan turned anguished eyes on her and cupped her face. "I didn't mean hurt you."

Gina's heart flip-flopped in her chest and she nodded, leaning into his touch and sighing. "I know," she said softly. "And I don't blame you at all. You don't need to keep apologising."

"I know I don't." Kaidan tilted her chin up and kissed her, his lips soft as they brushed against hers and then trailed along her cheek as he spoke. "But I hurt you. _Me_. And then your suit ruptured and you were so frightened." His hand slid to the base of her head, his fingers twining in her hair. "I think that's what bothered me most. You were terrified because of something I did to you."

Gina sighed and kissed lips who taste and shape she had memorised. She didn't want to think of the beeping screech of her suit, of the icy cold fingers that had slid around her throat as she'd died over Alchera.

"I'm fine," she said shakily and let her eyes flutter shut as Kaidan planted small kisses along the curve of her jaw and down her throat. "I just … got scared. It was silly."

"No." He drew back and looked earnestly into her eyes. "It's not."

They looked into each other's faces for a long moment and then Gina smiled and leaned forward to press her forehead to his. "Thank you for snapping me out of it. I'm not sure anyone else could have done it."

He grinned, and the look in his eyes made things in her body pull low and tight. "I'll always have your back. And your front. And all the other parts of you too." Kaidan leaned in and kissed her, then drew back regretfully as Chakwas coughed behind them.

"Go write your mission report, I'll catch up with you after the procedure and we can meet with the Admirals." Gina shoved him away playfully as he made as though to kiss her again, enjoying this playful side of Kaidan even if she suspected he was doing it in a bid to keep her spirits up.

"As you wish." He blew her a kiss and took his leave, giving Chakwas a mock-stern order to take care of her.

Gina relaxed onto the table while Chakwas finished setting up. She knew from experience that the procedure to remove the shrapnel would be relatively quick, but healing the wound in her knee would take longer. And though her Cerberus nanites and a liberal injection of medigel would help, she wouldn't be fit for any kind of duty until tomorrow at the earliest.

 _Which really wasn't all bad_ , she thought as the doctor administered the local anaesthetic and set to work. _Because it meant that she and Kaidan might get a little time to themselves tonight after all._

* * *

**A/N – Slowly, slowly, I'm changing up the timeline! I really hope you all enjoyed this and, if you're interested, I've started a new fic called 'Through A Mirror Darkly' which is about Kaidan replacing Jack as Subject Zero in an alternate timeline. It starts with him on the Normandy in ME2 and is pretty much a Shenko with lots of angry badass Kaidan and femShep moments. I hope you like it!**


	40. Chapter 40

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N - Apologies on the delay with this chapter. I signed up for the Mass Effect Spectre Requisitions rare pair challenge and the Mass Effect Big Bang, so I've been trying to work on everything at once! Thank you so much for bearing with me - I'm on holidays for the next two weeks so I should get lots of writing done! :) Thank you also to everyone who left me reviews on the last chapter! It meant so much! *hugs* The art for this chapter is by Shamserg! Thank you!**

* * *

 

* * *

Gina lay on her back and stared at the stars through the canopy over the bed. She flexed her knee carefully, slowly working the circulation back into it as she rotated the joint gingerly. Chakwas had only finished the surgery a few hours ago, but already she could feel that her leg was almost back to normal. Thanks to the nanites and advanced implants the flesh was knitting together, the wound closing, the swelling and bruising dissipating.

The door whirred open and Kaidan strolled in with an irritated twist to his mouth. Gina let her eyes wander over him, taking in features she had committed to memory long ago but which she never grew tired of looking at. Every single inch of Kaidan was handsome; his nose, the firm lines of his jaw, and his mouth with the small scar above his lips, but she loved his expressive eyebrows and gorgeous eyes the best.

"Hey stranger," she pushed herself up and settled into a sitting position. "How'd the meeting with the quarians go?"

She'd intended to go herself, but Chakwas had forbade it and loaded her up on enough sedatives that she'd barely been able to stay awake, let alone attend a meeting. Lurking in the back of her mind was a faint memory of Kaidan carrying her up here while she'd been semi-conscious. He had left her with firm orders to rest while he met with the Admirals and Legion, and a promise that he'd report back to her when he was done.

Kaidan shrugged. "Xen and Tali laid into the others about opening fire on the ship. Gerrel was unapologetic. Honestly, I've never wanted to space someone so badly in my life. The fact that he put us in so much danger makes my blood boil." He sat on the edge of the bed and pulled his boots off, then lay back beside her. "But they are seriously considering Legion's offer. The idea of being able to get their home world back without further casualties is appealing to all of them." Kaidan paused. "Well, except for Gerrel who's certain it's some sort of trick. So they're wary, but tempted."

"Well, we need to sort out that geth fighter base before we do anything else." Gina snuggled against his chest as Kaidan pulled her against him. His hand stroked small patterns on her back. "Did Legion come up with a plan of attack?"

He nodded. "According to him, the servers will be lightly defended. We should be able to infiltrate them easily and disable the geth fighters remotely. He was a little vague on the details, but he seemed confidant." There was a pause and then he added, "Xen wants to come with us. As does Tali."

Gina scoffed. "Of course they do, it's not a party until the quarian admiralty comes along." Kaidan's arms tightened around her and she sighed. "Look, so long as they can keep their hands to themselves, they're welcome to join us. But I want you and Garrus there too. I don't trust Xen not to mess something up."

"Good call." He shifted against her and cleared his throat. "Exactly how is it that you're friends with a geth? Don't get me wrong, I trust him if you say we can, but you really do make friends with the strangest of people."

"Legion saved my life," she said softly, catching Kaidan's hand and pulling it over her chest. "And he risked his own life to save ours many times over. And his own people, the true geth, opposed the return of the reapers. It was only the heretic geth that joined them, and we destroyed them."

Kaidan nodded, though Gina could almost feel his hesitation. "But they joined the reapers anyway?"

"The quarians left them no choice. You heard what Legion said, they faced extinction or allying themselves with something so big and bad it would scare the quarians away and save their lives."

"Do the geth have lives to save?" Kaidan asked as he pushed himself up on one elbow and looked into her eyes. "They're still just machines after all. Can we truly say they have lives?"

Gina shrugged, she'd pondered this many times over the last few months while she'd been incarcerated on Earth, and while it _was_ a complex issue it always came down to Legion for her. He _may_ have been an operating system composed of many geth, but he had been unique. He had a personality and, at times, she'd sensed a curiosity to his questions that even he couldn't explain. It was as though the geth were evolving to become more alive, to become more like the quarians they had driven off their home world.

"They're alive," she said with certainly. "It's just a different kind of alive."

Kaidan made a sound of agreement and lay back down. He raised their linked hand and pressed a kiss to the back of her hand, and the touch of his warm lips against her skin sent a frisson excitement through her body.

"I'm never going to forgive myself for hurting you, you know," he said, turning her palm over to kiss her fingers one by one. "I should have been more careful."

"It wasn't your fault, _but_ … ." Gina drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Forgiveness is something I've been wanting to talk about with you for a while." She snuggled closer. "You and Joker? What happened between the two of you?"

Kaidan went still and she heard his sharp intake of breath. "He got you killed-"

"No, the Collectors killed me," she corrected him. "You know that. You saw what they did on Horizon, what they did to all those colonies and ships they attacked. So why keep blaming him?"

There was silence for a time and Gina counted the breaths she took until Kaidan spoke again.

"The collectors might have killed you, Gina, but Joker _got_ you killed. He shouldn't have stayed. If he'd followed orders and evacuated along with everyone else, you'd have still been alive. I wouldn't have lost you." His voice cracked and Gina suspected she was hearing an old wound being given a voice. "He had no right to ignore your orders."

Gina turned Kaidan's face so she could look into his eyes. "He was your best friend, Kaidan. You know he blamed himself for what happened too?"

"Yeah, but he got you back sooner than I did." The bitterness in Kaidan's voice shocked her for a moment. "Liara didn't even try to let me know what she was doing when she went after your body, and Joker didn't even try to contact me and let me know you were alive. All I got was second hand rumours."

"You _did_ punch him," she interrupted gently. "At my memorial, no less. Maybe that had something to do with him being reluctant to let you know what he was doing?" She sighed. "Or maybe he was trying to protect you too. Cerberus wasn't a good place."

"Maybe. I never thought of that." Kaidan looked shamefaced and closed his eyes, swallowing hard. "I don't want to be angry at him anymore, but what I did at your memorial, lashing out like that … I'm not even sure how to begin apologising to him. I think that day is one of the worst in my life, you know? People wouldn't leave me alone and they kept telling me how sorry they were, how they knew how much you'd meant to me. It was oppressive. I just wanted to get away from it all and then Joker cornered me and I lost it." He clutched her hand. "Oh fuck. I didn't mean to hit him. And after I'd done it, I was so ashamed that I left."

"Oh Kaidan." Her eyes welled with tears at the pain in his voice and she cupped his face. "He never said so, but I think a lot of Joker's guilt over what happened was guilt at what he'd done to you too. He left the Alliance and joined Cerberus to make it up to me and to have my back, and I think part of that was him trying to make it up to you."

Kaidan was silent for a long time. "I'm sick of being angry at him," he confessed suddenly as he wrapped his arms around her and crushed her to his chest. "I don't have any other friends. How pathetic is that? Once I lost you I just stopped talking to everyone, and the next thing I knew the only people I really saw were Udina and Anderson. And now all I've got is you and a cat." He let out a self-depreciating laugh. "I've become a crazy cat man."

Gina hugged him all the tighter. "Well, you're _my_ crazy cat man and it's one of the many things I love about you. But you need to sort this out with Joker. You shouldn't have hit him, and you need to apologise and set things right." She took a deep breath and kissed Kaidan's shoulder, the only part of him she could reach in her current position. "He's worried about you, and I think he misses his friend too."

Kaidan rolled over and trapped her between his arms. "Well, I can't promise anything, but I'll try to apologise to him."

"Thank you." She craned her head up and kissed him, groaning lightly as Kaidan deepened the kiss and swirled his tongue around hers.

"But," he drew back and glanced meaningfully down at her. "I believe I have some other apologising to do first."

Kaidan whisked off the oversized shirt she was wearing and growled his approval when he saw she was only wearing her briefs underneath. She giggled as kissed his way down her body; following the curve of her neck, between the valley of her breasts, and along the plains of her stomach. She tried biting on her lip to stifle her giggles but Kaidan's tickling kisses were too much and she let out a small peal of laugher as he reached the hollows of her hips.

"A little sensitive tonight, are we?" he asked, rolling his eyes up to look at her as he nestled between her legs and hooked his fingers into the waistband of her underwear. "Does this mean I need to tie you up to keep you from moving about?"

The masculine tenor of his voice let her know how much _he_ wanted to tie her up, and she nodded as she looked down into his eyes. She loved the feeling of being restrained and at his mercy; it made her feel peaceful and relaxed. Having him in control and being able to lose herself in sensation, to only have to worry about doing what Kaidan wanted her to do, was such a relief.

It wasn't something she was sure she could explain to another person properly. Yes, she enjoyed the feeling of being bound, and yes, she enjoyed a little pain with her pleasure, but what she really enjoyed was the feeling of safety Kaidan gave her. When he was dominating her she lived in the moment.

She lived for him.

Kaidan wriggled his way up the bed and kissed her, his mouth hot and demanding against hers. He reached into the bedside table and withdrew several silk ties, and without speaking he carefully tied first one hand and then the other to the headboard. When he was done he kissed her again and used the last silk tie to cover her eyes, knotting it firmly behind her head.

"God, I love you," he whispered.

Gina tried to focus on the sound of his movement as he hovered over her, his breath hot on her skin. He planted stray kisses over her body; teasing her, touching her, playing with her. His mouth found one nipple and he sucked gently before grazing his teeth over the tip and biting down until she whimpered. He gave the same attention to the other breast, and then slid down her body to dispose of her underwear.

He moved her legs apart and knelt between them, then took her injured leg in his hands and began to kiss a gentle path up her leg. He started at her toes and kissed his way over her foot, up her ankle, along her calf, peppered her knee with kisses, and then his mouth travelled up her thigh. He paused between her legs and Gina caught her lower lip in her teeth, waiting, listening, desperately wanting his touch.

Excitement curled in her body as she felt him move and she almost groaned in disappointment as he took her other leg in his hands and began to travel up her leg with kisses. Somehow, in the darkness everything always felt so much more intense and her skin tingled and sizzled with each touch of his mouth; her biotics reacting to his.

"Kaidan!" she pleaded. "Please stop teasing!"

He chuckled. "I like teasing."

She groaned as he finally reached the apex of her thighs and moved back between her legs; each touch, each caress so full of love that it brought tears to her eyes. When he lay a kiss at her most intimate of places, she shivered and whimpered, arching her back towards him and begging for more. It was incredibly erotic, to be bound and in the dark as he delicately ran his tongue along her folds and swirled it around the electric bundle of nerves at her core.

He teased her for a time, using his tongue and fingers to bring her close to the edge time and again before easing back. Gina cried out, twisting against the binds that held her; trembling and shaking with her desperation to finally reach her peak. Her skin was flushed and she felt as though she would burst with the delicious tension building in her.

She begged him for relief, her body taut and slicked with sweat, but Kaidan only laughed, a desperately rough sound that let her know just how much he was enjoying this too.

His hands were hot and rough as they travelled over her body, kneading her breasts, squeezing her thighs and cupping her buttocks as she felt him move in front of her, the bed giving as he got to his knees. Kaidan's erection teased her entrance and Gina panted, rolling her hips towards him as he claimed her mouth in a fiery kiss. His teeth grazed her lower lip and he bit down; the stinging pain only tightening the pleasure inside of her.

"Please!" she begged. "Kaidan, please!"

Finally, he positioned himself at her entrance and sheathed himself inside of her with one deep thrust, burying his length in her to the hilt. Gina let out a mewling sound of pleasure and relief. She expected him to be rough and fast, to lose himself in the heaving swell of their bodies, but Kaidan took his time. He moved gently, carefully, rocking his body against hers slowly as he held her close. He pressed kisses to her face and lips, and nibbled and sucked on her pulse points.

The sweet slide of his body in hers sent ripples of feeling through her, a tingling swell of fullness which built and built until Gina couldn't bear it anymore. It was as though her body were going to fly apart at the seams; as though her heart would burst from her chest if she didn't get relief soon. Kaidan caught her to him as he moved inside of her, pulling her close and thrusting in harder and deeper, still slow, still gentle, but so earth-shatteringly deep that she shuddered with pleasure.

"Gina," Kaidan groaned her name as he kissed her. "I love you."

His free hand slid between their bodies, circling her nub as he thrust into her faster. With a choked gasp, Gina shuddered and her climax overwhelmed her. The prickling wave of relief and biotics rushing through her body with a tingling roar. She jerked against her bonds, her back bowing as Kaidan held her waist and thrust into her hard and fast, his control gone as he followed her over the edge with a hoarse cry.

They stayed together while the wonderful warmth coiled and settled in her belly, a mixture of sexual release and biotics that only Kaidan seemed to deliver. Her heart hammered in her chest and sweat beaded on her skin, turning icy in the air conditioning of the room. Eventually Kaidan shifted and moved, reaching up to remove her blindfold and gently releasing both wrists.

He flopped down next to her and grinned happily, his eyes still shimmering and blue from his release.

"You're forgiven," Gina said weakly as she slid down the bed and joined him, chuckling as he pulled her into his arms and snuggled close. "Though if that's how you apologise I might have to get in front of a bullet again."

Kaidan groaned. "Don't even joke about that." He rubbed at her wrists gently, making sure that the circulation had eased back into them, and then gathered her into his arms and pushed off the bed in a smooth motion. He carried her through to the bathroom and set her down in the shower. "I wish we had a bath," he complained as he fiddled with the temperature control.

"I'll have Cerberus add one the next time they build a Normandy." She closed her eyes in bliss as Kaidan started the warm spray and his hands moved over her, soaping her up and rinsing her off.

"So," he said far too casually as he massaged shampoo into her hair. "I've been spending most of my time up here recently-"

"Yes?" Gina cracked one eye open and instantly regretted it as shampoo suds stung her eyes. She cursed and rinsed them out while he laughed at her.

Kaidan waited until she was finished before he continued. "I've been thinking that maybe Nero should join us up here-"

"Kaidan!" She rolled her eyes. "He'll eat my hamster!"

"Nero would never!" he denied as he worked conditioner into her hair. "He's a good cat. I'm sure he'll leave Nibbles alone."

It was hard to argue with Kaidan when he was massaging her head, and Gina gave in with a huff. "Well, okay," she agreed. "So long as you can pry him away from Garrus. Your little cat is pretty taken with the turian."

"I know," he admitted. "I suspect he's going to catnap him any day now."

Gina smiled at the thought of the avian-like Garrus stealing a cat, and when Kaidan was done with her hair she set to work cleaning him too – soaping up his muscles and gliding her hands along the hard planes of his chest. He was so gorgeous, and despite how unaffected Kaidan liked to appear, he _knew_ he was gorgeous. Unable to help herself, she traced her hand over his tattoo and knelt to kiss it, licking water off the inked skin and glancing up at him temptingly.

Kaidan laughed and pulled her back to her feet. "Stop temping me, woman. You know we need to sleep."

"You shouldn't be so handsome then, _Major_." Gina winked at him as she stepped out of the shower and swiped the bigger of the towels, wrapping it around herself tightly as he switched off the water. "But to get back to our earlier topic, _promise_ me you'll talk to Joker?"

"I will." He nodded and looked her squarely in the eyes. "Now, you need to get back to bed before Chakwas has my hide for letting you stand on that knee."

"Or what?" Gina teased before she could stop herself. "You'll make me?"

"Damned right I will."

Kaidan swooped in and caught her up in his arms, and Gina laughed as he carried her back to bed. In moments like these the war felt a million miles away, and she had the feeling that no matter what odds they faced everything was going to turn out okay so long as they had each other.

* * *

**A/N - Aaaw so sweet! Nothing horrifically bad could possibly be about to happen! ;)**


	41. Chapter 41

**A/N - Apologies on the lateness of this chapter, but I've been unwell and have been in and out of hospital. I'm doing better now and though I'm still a bit unwell I'm hopefully going to be able to update on my old schedule again. But please accept my apologies on taking so long to get this chapter out. Hopefully you all enjoy it. As always, a massive thank you to the wonderful people who reviewed the previous chapter, as well as to everyone who is reading along - thank you! :)**

* * *

"This place is eerie," Kaidan commented as they crept through the halls of the geth server, their footfalls oddly muted in the vast chamber. Offline geth stood in rows, silent sentinels who watched their every move. "It's like a tomb." Something clunked in the distance and he whirled to face that direction, visibly straining to hear what had made the noise. "I _really_ don't like it here. Remind me again how safe it is and how all these murderous robots are offline?"

Gina shivered as they continued moving, passing under row after row of Primes whose towering forms cast long shadows across the floor. "Yeah, eerie is putting it mildly. This place gives me the creeps too. But don't worry, honey," she gave him a cocky grin, "the murderous robots are offline and if they're not, I'll save you."

He stifled a nervous laugh. "Thanks, I feel much safer."

She could see Legion ahead of them, standing near what looked like stasis pods. Admiral Xen and Tali were with him and, as Kaidan and Gina swept the facility to double check that all hostiles were offline, they could hear him explaining the purpose of the pods. He would be using them to integrate Shepard and Xen's consciousness' into the geth consensus. The Admiral was being unusually agreeable and polite, and had so far kept her snarky comments and meddling to a minimum.

"Are you okay with this?" Kaidan asked as they finished their sweep and headed back to the pods. "I mean, having yourself plugged into the geth?"

"Not really," she admitted with a small shudder. "But if it's going to help us stop the reapers then I guess I'm going to have to do it, and besides, it's not like I'm going to be alone. I get to have Xen with me."

Kaidan rolled his eyes. "That doesn't make _me_ feel any better about this, you know. Not after the crap she pulled on the dreadnaught."

"I think she'll be on her best behaviour. She seems keen to come along, and Legion made it clear that if he suspects she's up to anything dangerous he's going to yank her form the system without warning." Gina paused near a Prime and tapped a leg absently; the metal rung dully. "Besides, Tali is here and she wouldn't let anything bad happen to me, not after everything we've been through.

"That's true," Kaidan agreed. He nodded towards the others. "Come on, we should get back and get this over with."

"Yeah." Gina smiled to hide her growing sense of unease.

The truth was; she didn't _want_ to do this.

Her feet felt heavier with each step she took, and the closer she drew to the pods, the stronger the sense of unease felt. The thought of being essentially uploaded into a geth server was intriguing and terrifying at the same time. She couldn't deny that she was interested in seeing what life was like for the geth; to learn how they saw the world and to help free them from the reaper code that was corrupting their system. But she was terrified too.

Memories of what she'd seen at Project Overlord and what had happened to poor David when he'd been integrated into the geth haunted her, and the mere thought was enough to send her heart rate sky rocketing.

What if she became trapped inside their consensus? What if her mind became separated from her body? What if part of her got left behind or if she came back wrong? Gina shuddered at the thought of a stray geth piggybacking a ride back into her body and shoved the ridiculous thought away. Scaring herself with nightmares and horrific 'what if' situations was _not_ going to make her feel any calmer about this situation.

She shook off her fear and led the way back to the pods with Kaidan at her back, his own worry was thick on the air but he said nothing more; he knew this was something she had to do. The quarians may have been idiots to start this war when they knew the reapers were coming, but thousands of their people were dying, and if it meant a chance for peace, then she had to risk it. In many ways, she was glad that Xen was going to be uploaded into the geth consensus with her. She didn't trust the Admiral, but at least she wouldn't be alone and she'd have a tech expert with her.

"Shepard Commander," Legion greeted her return, "are you ready?"

Gina took a deep breath and nodded. "As ready as I can be. Let's do this."

She handed her gun to Kaidan, and a spark of biotic energy jumped between them as their fingertips brushed. Kaidan's eyes were dark with worry, and they moved from her to the stasis pods, a small frown line etched onto his forehead. For a moment she thought he would try to kiss her, but the moment passed and he stepped away with a determined look. It was clear that he didn't like what she was about to do, but he understood why she was doing it.

She'd always loved that about Kaidan; no matter how much he loved her, he knew that the mission had to come first.

Xen had already stepped inside a stasis pod and Legion quickly hooked her suit up to several cables which he explained would help her see exactly what Shepard was seeing. Shepard, Legion elaborated, would have a very different experience of the geth consensus because of her implants, and he would be able to virtually integrate her seamlessly into the system. Gina climbed into her own pod, feeling very small as it stretched around her; it was obviously meant for something much bigger.

The door to the pod slid closed with a loud mechanical whirr and her heart began to thump a little harder as she was closed in. Kaidan and Tali stood just outside, both of them watching Legion's movements as he stepped up to the controls, starting the process that would allow her to access the geth consensus. A moment later the pod began to scan her, and Gina swallowed as it whirred, pulsed, and sprung to life.

_Would she feel anything?_

_Would it hurt?_

Lights flashed, strobe like, scanning her body and, according to Legion, mapping her neural pathways to make a connection. Gina tied to keep still and focused on Kaidan's face as he watched her. His eyes were still worried, but his face was calm and he nodded to her reassuringly – wordlessly telling her that he would make sure that she would be okay. He stretched out a hand and pressed his palm against the stasis pod, a simple gesture, but one which helped her feel less alone.

_I love you_ , she thought at him.

The light grew brighter, blindingly white, until it filled her vision and seemed to sink inside her skull. When it faded the stasis pod was gone and she was standing on a platform in a digital ocean. There was no other way to describe it. The world stretched out around her in grids and lines, a carefully marked and logical world that seemed peaceful. She stepped forward carefully and looked down at herself; she seemed real enough. She even held a weapon in her hands, though it was a weapon which she had never laid on eyes on before.

"Legion?" Shepard saw the holographic outline of the geth beside her, his arms moving as he manipulated a holographic interface. "What is this place?"

"The portal to the geth consensus," he told her. "You will perceive the digital world in a visual and physical sense. The reaper infection will appear visually."

She hefted the weapon. "And I use this to destroy it?"

"Affirmative. The weapon will purge the infection from affected systems. I am loading in Creator Xen. Please stand by." Legion focused on the holographic interface and a moment later Xen appeared, though she appeared in a digital form similar to Legion and didn't look as solid as Gina did to herself.

Xen looked around, and Gina would have paid a great deal of credits to get a look behind her mask to see her expression. Legion explained that the geth would ignore their presence in the server, so they wouldn't need to fear physical harm, and that they would be free to move from system to system and purge the reaper infection. He promised to update them regularly as they worked through the purge, and with that he sent them on their way and vanished.

"Well," Xen commented as they set off through the digital world, her tone amused. "I can honestly say that I never thought I'd have my consciousness uploaded into a geth server."

Gina led the way to the first portal, passing through it without hesitation. "Why did you come?" she asked as she came out on the other side. "Given your hate of the geth, I was surprised."

The world beyond the portal was similar, but huge data nodes stretched through the space around them. The reaper infections were obvious and burned red hot in the data streams. Some of them were reasonably close and others were distant. It was clear that this wasn't going to be a quick task.

"I don't hate the geth," the quarian admiral told her as she stepped through the portal. "I find them fascinating, and I want to know more about them. This kind of opportunity, to study them from the inside out, isn't going to come along again. I couldn't pass it up."

"I suppose that makes sense." Gina started towards the closest of the reaper infections, and they began their purge. "Will the quarians make peace?" she asked after they had worked in silence for some time.

The admiral glanced at her, her eyes gleaming softly behind her digitally constructed mask. "Perhaps," she said. "It's difficult after so many years of persecution to trust them. I spent my years on the flotilla studying to stop them, to destroy the geth and reclaim our home world at all costs, and now they are simply handing us what we want out of the blue? It seems too convenient. I want my home back Commander, do not doubt that, but I am wary of the geth. They allied with the reapers, what else might they be capable of?"

"Too _convenient_?" Gina stopped firing on the current strand of reaper infection and faced the quarian. "You do realise that because your people attacked the geth in the middle of a war with the reapers, they felt they had no choice but to side with them? You did that. If you'd just waited until after the war-"

Xen sighed. "I know, Commander. Don't think that I wasn't aware of the consequences of attacking the geth, but when I realised I'd developed a technology that would allow us to finally take our people home again, what was I supposed to do?"

"Talk to them?" she suggested.

The admiral laughed. "Would you negotiate with a husk for the return of Earth? Don't be naïve. The quarians had no reason to believe the geth wouldn't blow us out of the skies as they had every other time they saw us. We had an advantage and we took it. Things have changed now." She gestured around her. "The fact that I am here, helping you do this, should tell you how seriously I and the other Admirals are considering the geth and their offer of peace."

Gina nodded and went back to work, aiming her gun at the infection and burning it away. The work was almost cathartic, and both she and Xen took pleasure in destroying the reaper infection _completely_ so that no trace of it remained. As they worked, she mulled over what the Admiral had said, replaying their conversation and focusing on bits of it.

Much as she wanted to believe that Xen was telling the truth and that she was considering peace with the geth, she had proved time and again that she thought of their race as little more than mechs. They were an appliance to be used in her mind, like a toaster or a weapon. Hell, she'd even compared them to a _husk,_ and if that didn't speak volumes for her opinion of them as a race, then Gina didn't know what did.

She hated to think that the quarians would do anything backhanded such as faking a peace deal with the geth just to get their planet back, but she wouldn't put it past someone like Xen not to come up with some sort of digital virus to wipe them out once they were home.

They worked steadily for what felt like the next few hours - using their weapons to burn away the infections, freeing the data nodes and infected geth. Occasionally, files and memories were accessible and she and Xen watched them - the history of the geth and the quarians unfolding before them. The Admiral grew quieter and quieter as each memory played out, and it soon became obvious that the story the quarians had been peddling about the geth was not quite the entire truth.

"Did you know about this?" Gina asked as a file ended that depicted the quarians massacring helpless geth and the quarians who had tried to defend them.

Xen slowly shook her head. "No, there is no record of this in our history." She sounded troubled, and Gina didn't doubt she was telling the truth. "The records we have start after we fled Rannoch, and they say nothing of this."

They accessed another file which depicted scenes from the war between the quarians and the geth, in which it was made clear that not all quarians had fought against the geth and that many had sided with them and had been killed. The file culminated with the geth driving the quarians from Rannoch. Xen physically jerked when the Legion informed them that the geth had made the choice not to exterminate another life form and has ceased chasing the quarians once they were no longer a threat.

Gina turned to her. "The geth-"

"I know. The geth could have destroyed us, but did not." The Admiral straightened. "The war is not what we were told. I must inform the other Admirals about this."

As they turned to leave Gina caught sight of a final piece of Reaper code glimmering ahead of them. She paused, frowning as it glitched and seemed to almost sparkle in a way that the other infected code had not. Through the entire purging process she'd been tempted to try and scan the reaper code with her Omni-tool, aware that any data she could bring back to the Alliance would be extremely valuable in helping to take the reapers out.

Now seemed as good a time as any to see if she _could_ bring some code fragments back.

"I wonder if I can scan this code?" she mused aloud.

Xen turned and looked at it, humming quietly. "Do we even have Omni-tools?"

"Let's find out." Gina flicked her wrist and her Omni-tool appeared, she grinned at the Admiral. "Well, that's something. Now the real question - can I scan this thing and will the data come back with me?"

She scanned the reaper code and data flooded her Omni-tool. Gina opened her mouth to tell Xen that it had worked, when suddenly the screen of her Omni-tool glitched, much like the coding strand, and with a painful electric spark her Omni-tool shorted out and went blank. She cursed and closed it down manually, flexing her fingers and shaking her hand as an electrical shock tingled up her arm.

"Jesus! That hurt!" Gina turned, and there was a flurry of movement as the Admiral frantically tried to put away her own omni-tool, hiding whatever was on her screen. Gina frowned. "Wait, did you do that?"

Xen crossed her arms over her chest defensively. "Do what? I was just trying to scan the code too! I was trying to help!"

There was something in her tone which didn't quite ring true, and Gina frowned. "Did you cause my omni-tool to overload?"

"That's ludicrous!" she snapped. "I didn't do anything to _you_! The coding I scanned looked strange so I shut my 'tool down before it finished the scan in case mine overloaded too!" The Admiral turned and stalked away. "Honestly, Commander! It's like you don't trust me!"

Gina watched her go and glanced down at her arm; it hurt and she was willing to bet she was burnt where the omni-tool had shorted out. Was it possible she was hurt back in the real world too? She pressed on her gauntlet absently and looked back up as the quarian admiral made her way back to the portal and passed through it, heading back to the real world. There was something about Xen that rubbed her the wrong way, and she didn't believe for one moment her story about shutting down her omni-tool to avoid an overload.

The Admiral was up to something; she was sure of it.

* * *

**A/N - Hmm, Xen up to something? Nah. I'm sure she's playing it straight. ;) I hope you enjoyed the chapter! Reviews are always loved.**


	42. Chapter 42

**A/N – Thank you to everyone who is reading along and especially to those who left me a comment on the last chapter – it never fails to make my day. Well … it's canon divergence time. I really hope you guys like this chapter and like the plot twist! People at AO3 get some art at the end of the story! Enjoy.**

* * *

The darkness gleamed like oil, rippling, slipping around her like smoke. It pressed around her oppressively, a thick and heavy black that clung to her with tendrils and whispers, clinging to her skin like cobwebs. Her limbs were heavy, clumsy, filled with lead and slow to respond, and when she tried to run from the darkness, to push it away, it was as though she were pushing through a wall of water.

Gina whimpered.

She felt so small and powerless, more so than she ever had in her life. The strength of the darkness terrified her. It was so big, there was so much of it, and she was so small. As she tried to run it seemed to grow around her, swelling in size and holding her fast. It folded itself around her, suffocating, choking, the wet darkness oozing down her nose and mouth, leaking into her ears, and blinding her eyes.

She cried out, clawing weakly as the darkness drowned her; fingers flexing and legs kicking on instinct, helpless as a child as it held her fast and forced its way inside of her. She could hear _something_ from inside of it, countless whispers calling to her, indistinct voices that grew louder and louder, the whispers combining into white noise that built into a roar, the sound reverberating inside her skull until it became the deafening blaring sound of a reaper, and she screamed just to drown it out.

Screaming over and over again.

_"Gina!"_

She thrashed and flared, struggling to get free of the darkness, fighting to break free of the deafening noise.

_"Gina! Wake up, honey. It's okay. You're having a nightmare."_

Kaidan's voice. Soothing. Calming. A note of command mixed with the concern.

His voice seemed to wrap around her more surely then the nightmarish black ooze, warm and comforting, familiar and human, and _everything_ she loved. She fought free of the blackness, swimming to the surface of the oily tar as though she were in a deep dark pool. She _wasn't_ small and powerless; she _wasn't_ weak or helpless.

She was Commander Shepard and _this_ was just a dream.

Gina opened her eyes sucked in a breath; sound, light and reality returning in a blinding sensory overload. It felt less like waking up and more like coming back from the geth consensus, as though one moment she'd been in another world. The bed sheets were tangled around her, damp with sweat, and Kaidan had her arms pinned to her sides as though she'd been flailing and striking out in her sleep. Her heart was hammering hard against her ribs and her lungs burned for air, but she forced herself to lie still, calming herself down and letting the adrenaline settle.

She felt awful; her head ached, her eyes were dry and gritty, and her body felt as though Vega had just put her through one of his workouts. Her joints were especially sore, and Gina groaned as she raised a hand to eyes, rubbing sleep from them and wincing as the pressure sent bolts of pain shooting through her head.

_Not today_ , she silently begged. _I don't need to get sick today of all days._

"Gina?" Kaidan's hands loosened further and slid down her wrists and arms, stoking and soothing. "Are you okay?" He eased himself closer so that she was spooned against his chest and looped one arm around her waist.

She nodded, burrowing against his warmth and shivering at the memory of the endless dark and the whispering voices. "Yeah, I was dreaming."

"It must have been one hell of a dream."

"It was." Gina swallowed hard, echoes of the dream sending slivers of terror trickling through her. She could still hear the whispers in the back of her mind, and could still feel the stroking touch of the blackness inside of her body. She shivered. "Jesus, Kaidan. I've never had a nightmare like it before."

He tightened his arms reassuringly and rested his chin on her head. "I'm not surprised with this war and everything you've been through. And the fighting we've done on Rannoch in the last few days has been some of the worst yet. It's probably the stress of the mission today too, I mean, it's good that the quarians have agreed to make peace with the geth and settle on Rannoch together, but until we get that reaper signal offline, most geth are going to continue to act under reaper control." Kaidan's hands moved over her skin, gently soothing. "It was just a nightmare though, you're safe now." He pressed his lips to her cheek. "I've got you."

"My hero." Gina moved a hand to her forehead and winced as another bolt of pain shot through her head. "Dammit."

"What?"

She pushed away from the him and sat up, her head throbbed with the movement and she closed her eyes. "I feel awful. My head's hurting like a son of a bitch."

"Oh!" Kaidan's indrawn breath sounded loud in the silence of the bedroom. "Baby, don't take this the wrong way, but you look awful." There was a rustle of fabric and the mattress gave as Kaidan moved closer, then she felt his cool hand on her forehead. "You've got a slight temperature too. Any other symptoms?"

The switch in his tone from concerned boyfriend to medic was clear and Gina grinned despite her discomfort. "I feel hot, not quite feverish but uncomfortable. My joints and muscles are aching a little, and my heads pounding. I have a bad taste in my mouth too." She cracked an eyelid and glanced at him. "The light is hurting my eyes."

Kaidan hummed and leaned close. "I think perhaps it's time for you to go down and see Doctor Chakwas. This is probably just a virus of some sort, but better safe than sorry. Especially if you want to take out that reaper signal on Rannoch today."

She scoffed and heaved herself out of bed, ignoring her bodies aching protests. "You really think I'm going to sit this one out and let you have all the fun?"

He chuckled and helped her up, his concern written in his eyes and in the way his hands lingered on her body, hesitating in case she fell. "I think you're going to be on Rannoch no matter what Chakwas says."

"Damn right." Gina hurried to the bathroom as Kaidan readied himself for his day.

She almost recoiled when she caught sight of herself in the mirror; Kaidan hadn't been lying when he'd said she'd looked like shit. She looked shades paler than normal, and her skin was sallow and waxen. All her freckles stood out in stark contrast to the rest of her face, like small brown islands. She had purple rings around each of her eyes, and when she peered closely she thought she could detect a sheen of red in the depths of her pupils, as though her optics were shining as they had when Cerberus first cobbled her back together.

"Yuck," she muttered, and ran the facet to splash some cool water on her face.

She caught sight of her arm, and this time she did baulk; the burn on her arm was worse, _far worse_. It was as though her Omni tool implant hadn't just burned her when it shorted out, but had bruised the skin around it. The wound was almost a purplish black, the flesh around it was a mottled shade of green and purple, and the veins stood out darkly beneath her skin like spider webs. It looked ugly and infected, and Gina gingerly touched it, wondering if Chakwas had anything stronger than medigel.

Shuddering, she splashed some water on her face and arm, and then shed her clothes and slipped into the shower. The hot water made her feel better, and by the time she stepped out and dried herself off she was feeling almost human again. She dressed quickly, did her makeup and hurried down to the Mess to grab a bite to eat and stop in to see Chakwas. Even if she hadn't woken up feeling awful, the sight of her arm was enough to scare her into seeing a doctor.

When she got down there Kaidan was at a table with Joker and Garrus and she smiled to see him making an effort with his old friend. She grabbed a ration bar for herself and kept moving to the medbay where Chakwas was at her usual place at her desk.

"Do you ever sleep?" Gina asked by way of a greeting.

Chakwas spun to look at her, placing the data pad she'd been reading down on top of a stack of others. "Not lately, or at least not without being woken for some emergency. Now, what can I do for you, Commander?" The Doctor's grey eyes focused on her with eagle-like intensity. "Actually, don't bother. You're looking a little under the weather."

"Yeah, I'm feeling almost as bad as I look." Gina moved to one of the examination tables without being asked and hopped up on it, running through her symptoms for the doctor while she watched Chakwas ready her omni tool.

"Sounds like a bug," the doctor mused.

Gina pulled a face. "Except for this." She held out her arm. "It's where my omni-tool implant shorted out the other day. Tali never got around to replacing it and it looks all infected."

She held out her arm and Chakwas didn't bother to hide her sharp intake of breath. "Jesus Christ almighty, Shepard! That doesn't just look infected, it looks septic." Chakwas scanned her and frowned. "Strange. It's not reading as having an infection."

"It doesn't hurt either." Gina touched the black and purple flesh with one finger, gingerly at first and then a little harder, pressing her entire hand down. "See? Nothing. It's kind of numb to tell you the truth. It isn't feverish feeling either."

The doctor poked and prodded at her arm for a while, scaped some skin cells, scanned it with her omni tool and even took a small sample of her blood. She ran the sample through her equipment and while it was testing she continued her scans, her expression becoming more and more perplexed with each text.

"What is it, Doc? You're making me nervous." Gina prompted after a while, fidgeting on the table.

Chakwas looked up and pushed her hair behind her ear. "Well, your body is showing all the classic signs that it's fighting off some kind of infection, but I can't pinpoint exactly what it is. I'll give you a shot of antibiotics and a course of pills for you to follow up with, but I think I'm going to forward a copy of your test results on to Miranda. I'm getting fluctuating readings from some of your cybernetics too, almost like they're glitching."

"Glitching how?" Gina sat forward and frowned at the doctor. "Because Xen was doing something when my omni-tool blew and she wouldn't show me what it was. Is it possible she did whatever this is?"

"I don't even know what _this_ is, Commander. It could be nothing or it could be your nanites fighting off a simple infection. Whatever it is, your blood test will have more answers and Miranda can tell us why your cybernetics readings are so odd." The older woman finished her scan and then administered a shot of antibiotics, painkillers and medigel. She fetched her a bottle of pills. "Two of these morning and night with food and I'll have your results within a few hours." She caught Gina's hand as she passed her the pills and held it fast. "I'm clearing you for this mission but I want you to take some time off to rest after this, and that's an order as medical officer. Are we clear?"

Gina pretended to shrink back under Chakwas icy stare and nodded quickly. "Cystal clear, Doc. And thanks, I feel better already."

Chakwas shook her head and waved her out the clinic, returning to her desk and data pads. Gina scoffed down her ration bar and then paused, staring at the angry black marks on her arm before she activated the temporary omni-tool she was using via a wrist band. It had limited functionality, but it was better than nothing, and right now she wanted answers from Xen.

She opened up a comm channel and moved to a quieter place in the hallway. "EDI, can you raise Admiral Xen for me? I need to speak with her as a matter of urgency."

" _Of course Commander, one moment."_ There was a long pause and then EDI spoke again. " _Unfortunately the Admiralty Board regret to inform you that Admiral Xen is currently unable to take calls. They are unable to provide further information but will pass along your request to her."_

Gina sighed. "Of course she's not able to chat to me. Something goes wrong with me and she's suddenly unavailable." She scratched at the blackened burn on her arm.

" _The Admirals also wished to remind you that Admiral Raan and Tali will be boarding the Normandy in a little under an hour to join the Rannoch ground team,"_ EDI continued, her lilting voice sounding amused. _"Admiral Raan promises not to blow up any docking tubes or insist on entering the geth consensus with you."_

Despite the continuing headache, Gina managed a smile at Raan's cheeky reminder. "Tell her I'd appreciate it. Thanks EDI."

" _A pleasure, Commander."_

Gina closed her omni tool and stared down at her hands as they twinged and what felt like a faint pulse of static shot through her fingers. She flexed them rhythmically, shook them out, and frowned to herself. _Strange_. The very tips of her fingers were tingling slightly and felt ever so slightly numb. It was probably nothing, or a reaction to the antibiotics Chakwas had given her. _Yeah_ , _that was probably it._ She decided, _my nanites are fighting off some bug_.

With a shrug she turned on her heel and went back to the Mess to get herself another ration bar and prepare for the long day ahead.

* * *

Of all the things Gina had expected to find on the sun-bleached surface of Rannoch, a goddamned Reaper had been amongst the last of them. Sure, maybe they should have expected that a reaper signal had been coming from a _reaper,_ but until the bloody thing burst from the ground and came barrelling at them, she hadn't had a clue what she was up against. She thought about fighting it for all of a millisecond before she'd joined Legion, Tali and Kaidan in beating a hasty retreat to a nearby open-backed geth transport.

They had the targeting gun; all they need were a few clean shots.

The problem was that the constant stress of the day and the physical demands were taking their toll, and the pulsing headache behind her eyes had become a cluster headache of agonising proportions. Her body trembled and shook with fatigue, her fingers and hands were almost completely tingly and numb, and her feet were starting to feel the same. And if that weren't enough, the dim plum coloured light of Rannoch was hurting her eyes so much she was forced to keep her helmet on and her visor down.

She wanted nothing more than to find a quiet spot and lay down for a minute, or an hour, or a day. Her thoughts spun and circled, confused and dazed, and her head whispered with static that seemed to grow louder and louder with each passing second. Blocking it out was growing harder, and as the reaper came at them and she failed yet again to target the gun, Gina admitted defeat to herself and tapped Kaidan's shoulder as he worked the railgun.

"I can't focus enough to aim," she yelled over the comms, holding onto the back of the jostling transport. "Switch places with me."

"You sure?"

She nodded. "The rail gun is point and fire, this thing takes time and patience and my eyes are going fuzzy. I trust you, Major. Switch up."

They traded places, somehow neither of them falling overboard as the geth performed crazy manoeuvres to avoid the reapers red hot beam; between rock formations, into canyons, over mountains, and almost scraping the belly of the ship on the ground as he evaded blast after blast. Nausea welled up, and Gina tasted vomit in the back of her throat, hot and sweet, but she forced it back, and swallowed thickly as she took her place behind the rail gun and began to fire.

"Tali, you need to direct Legion! This thing can't move and fire at the same time, so when it pauses to use its weapon you need to guide him out of the beam's line of fire, got it?" She yelled back, her teeth rattling over the vibrations of the rail gun. Yelling was moot over the comms, but the gun was loud and she couldn't help it as the reaper bore down on them, looming terrifyingly large on the horizon.

"Got it, Shepard." Tali's hand squeezed her shoulder once in acknowledgement.

For what little good the gun did she couldn't afford to let up; Kaidan needed very second of distraction she could offer him as he aimed the targeting gun. Their nightmarish getaway continued for an endless stretch of time. The reaper continued to fire, Legion evaded, Shepard fired back, Kaidan targeted, and eventually the fleet bombardment started. The first bombing run brought the reaper stumbling to its knees, the second left it crawling along the ground feebly, and third left it lying in a mangled heap, it's red lights flickering in defiance as it's laser went out and Legion brought them around to land.

"I can't believe that worked. We bought down a reaper." Kaidan sounded elated, breathless, and Gina tried to smile at him as she stumbled to her feet, her head full of whispers and white noise, forgetting she was wearing a helmet and he couldn't see her mouth.

She made her way to the reaper, pulled towards it as if on a string. Kaidan called her name, but she didn't answer. Each step was like wading through toffee, and at the back of her mind she wondered if she was moving as slowly as she felt. Her heart beat heavy and slow in her chest, her blood rushed sluggishly in her ears, and dimly, distantly, she heard the buzzing of the comms in her helmet ears. She recognised the voices. Chakwas voice? Then Xen's voice? Both of them desperate. Both of them frantic.

The voices seemed unimportant as she moved closer to the dying reaper, darkness dancing around her vision, sticking to her thoughts and forcing her to listen as it spoke.

" _Shepard."_ It's voice echoed deeper than just physical words, and reverberated through her head, pounding into her brain. It lobbed phrases at her like stones, each one striking her in the guts, wriggling inside of her with agonising needles of pain. " _We know you. Resisting your fate is futile. You will fail. The cycle will continue."_

"Bullshit." It was an effort to speak, but she forced her voice through a mouth that seemed to have forgotten how to shape words. "I killed Sovereign. I killed that bastard on Tuchanka, and I've killed you. You're going to lose."

" _No,"_ it told her. _"you have already lost. You will fall and the others will follow. It is inevitable."_

To her surprise the reaper _eyes_ glowed brighter, and she winced as pain rippled through her, a burning red hot agony that spread along her nerve endings like wild fire. She cried out, writhing as she fell to her knees and clutched her head, unable to fathom what was going on as her vision blurred and she was reduced to a quivering mess. She barely heard the reaper's reply as she screamed, red hot pain almost splitting her skull open as it burned inside of her with agonising slowness.

" _We are many. We are everywhere. You cannot comprehend how far our reach stretches. Even now-"_

There was a loud crack and abruptly the reaper presence vanished from her mind. But the pain, the white noise, and the sticky blackness remained, creeping through her body and settling in her bones. Hands grabbed her, dragging her back, and she had a confused glimpse of the reaper lying dead and cold with the Normandy hovering over it, the Thanix canon smoking. She could hear Kaidan's voice talking, reassuring her, but the voices loudest in her ears was on the damned Comms, where a babble of people were talking over each other, confused orders sounding out all at the same time.

_"You need to listen! One was in my suit too and I've only just got it out! You need to isolate her!"_ Xen's voice came through, only to be cut off by Chakwas.

" _Major Alenko, do you copy? Shepard is infected with a reaper-code virus, It's all through her cybernetics and nanites. You need to get her away from the reaper and back to the ship for treatment as soon as possible. Bring Legion and Tali."_

"I copy." Kaidan's voice, heavy with … _fear. Disbelief. Dread._

_No. No . No._

Gina went cold and fumbled for her omni-tool, trying to narrow her comm band. She couldn't have heard right. A reaper. Inside of her? She must have heard wrong. But before she could touch the omni-tool Kaidan pried her hand away, removed her omni tool and tossed it to the side. She tried to ask him what he was doing, but this time she couldn't make the words come at all, and she lolled uselessly as he tipped back her visor and stared into her face.

His hazel eyes froze as he stared down at her, horror and disbelief flashing through his eyes like lightning before he brought a neutral mask crashing down and closed her visor. "Y-You're going to be okay." The reassurance sounded forced, automatic. _Fake_. "I'm going to keep your visor down so the rest of the crew don't see you."

_Why? What did she look like?_

She tried desperately to form the words, but got as far as a breathless, " _wh_ -" sound before she gave up in frustration.

But it was enough.

"Why?" Kaidan asked, and frowned as he picked her up in his arms. "I don't want to scare you, Gina, but you look like a-" he bit off what he was going to say. "You look bad. But you're going to be okay. You're going to be fine, baby." His voice shook despite his assurances and his hands were holding her a little too tightly. "I promise everything will be okay. I'm here. You'll be fine. You have to be."

Kaidan held her close to his chest as he began to jog, calling out for Tali and Legion to follow him to the shuttle. Gina swallowed hard, fear beating back the white noise in her head as she heard everything Kaidan _wasn't_ saying, and everything he'd _almost_ said. She _knew_ why he wasn't telling her what she looked like. She'd seen the black mottled skin on her arm and the faint reflective sheen in her eyes this morning; and if that had spread it could mean only one thing.

She looked like a _husk_.

* * *

**A/N - *hides***

_(Art by Zenopic and coloured by DDKinzart.)_


	43. Chapter 43

**A/N – Many thanks to everyone who left me reviews on the last chapter! I'm sorry I left you all on such a cliff hanger (but not really!). This chapter is only a short one as I'm swamped at work, but I really hope you enjoy it. Well … as much as you're able to.**

* * *

_This can't be happening._

Kaidan traced Gina's face as he watched her, looking beyond the patches of blackened flesh and glowing cybernetics to the woman under it all.

She was still beautiful; still _his_ Gina.

His hand trembled as he trailed fingers along her jaw and tucked a lock hair behind her ear. Gently. _Gently_. He made a fist, trying to steady his hand, but it did no good. His entire body was wracked by fine tremors. He felt fragile and on edge, as though he were made of fractured glass and one tiny bump was all it would take to shatter him into a million pieces.

It hurt to see her like this; broken, frail and eaten up by the same enemy she'd fought so hard to stop. It wasn't fair either. She'd already been through so much: Saren, Alchera, the Collectors. More than any one person should ever be put through. And now she was facing some kind of living death as a reaper virus ate her alive from the inside out.

Kaidan swallowed as a hollow kind of terror filled him at the thought of losing her; an endless march of lonely days without the woman he loved. The thought brought a lump to his throat and he closed his eyes, fighting back the wave of panic that swamped him. He couldn't lose her. Not again. Not like this. Not after he'd only just found her again.

He squeezed her hand, looking for any sign that she was waking up, but there was none. Chakwas had given Gina a sedative and she was blessedly asleep for now, unaware of the changes taking place within her own body as the reaper virus ran unchecked through her system.

Miranda was on her way here, but so far she'd done little more than confirm what Xen and Chakwas had already known; Gina had become infected with a reaper virus. It was impossible to say how, except it was probably when she'd scanned the code in the geth consensus. It had infected her nanites and because the damned things numbered in the billions and were self-replicating, they were currently waging a war within her own body.

A war that the reaper virus was winning.

Chakwas hadn't been able to stop it, EDI was unable to do a thing to help, and although Xen, Tali and Legion were working together on something to at least slow the infection down, Kaidan hadn't missed the doubtful looks and whispered discussions they'd had whenever he was in the room.

He clenched his teeth and bit back the whimper of fear that tried to escape his lips; he couldn't afford to fall apart now. Not when Gina was still here in front of him. Not when she needed him. Kaidan opened his eyes and took her hand again, squeezing the cold black fingers and forcing himself to believe that she was going to open her eyes at any moment; that she was going to be strong, that she was going to fight this off and come back to him.

"I can't lose you again, Gina," he whispered quietly and kissed her hand, the tattoo on his hip tingling. "I can't go through that again."

There was a small sound and he looked up to find Chakwas in the doorway watching him. "I'm sorry to intrude, Major."

"No, it's fine." Kaidan sat up and drew in a shaky breath. "Any progress?"

"Some." She came into the room and closed the door behind her, giving them some privacy. "Legion has come up with a nanite program which he thinks will slow down the spread of the reaper virus, maybe stop it temporarily, but not indefinitely." She set down a datapad she was carrying and turned to meet his gaze, her own eyes troubled. "And I'm afraid it won't repair the damage done."

"What does that mean?" Kaidan squeezed Gina's fingers, his heart contracting fearfully in his chest. "What damage?"

Chakwas sighed and moved closer, though she looked as though she wanted to be miles away. "The reaper virus is replicating and infecting her cells in a similar way that the reapers make husks. Legion believes that even if we stop the infected nanites and manage to halt the virus, the chances of repairing the damaged cells is almost nil. You should be prepared for the worst. If the infections continued like this, we may have to amputate her limbs-"

"No." The worst burst from Kaidan before he could stop it, and he clamped his mouth shut tightly, holding in the desperate rejection threatening to come screaming out. "Jesus," he said after a minute, "she can't lose her arms and legs."

"She might not," Karin was clearly struggling to maintain her composure too, and Kaidan saw a muscle in her cheek jump, "but it's a possibility, and you had a right to know. It's _not_ the end of the world, Kaidan. With limb cloning or cybernetics they could easily be replaced, and any damaged skin on her face could be repaired with plastic surgery. It sounds worse than it is-"

" _Worse that it is_?" He didn't bother to keep his voice down as he threw her words back at her. "How the hell can it get much worse than this?" Kaidan looked back at Gina's face, his eyes following the horrible black wounds and glowing cybernetics around her eyes. He shook his head slowly, willing away the anger; _it wasn't Chakwas fault_. "Tell me about the nanite program Legion created," he said finally, desperate to change the topic.

The doctor let out an audible breath, and Kaidan wondered if she'd been worried he would lose his temper. The thought sobered him.

"Legion and Xen are still working on something more permanent, but this will buy her time." She held up a syringe with a clear liquid inside. "The program inside these nanites will act like an anti-virus program and stop the spread of the infection in the short term. It might even help her regain consciousness."

The doctor didn't sound very confidant.

Kaidan shook his head and lay Gina's hand back down, tucking the blanket up around her securely and hiding her blackened limbs from view. "Jesus. How bad are things if the best we can do is _buy her_ _time?"_ he heard the edge of hysteria in his own voice and took a moment to draw a calming breath before he continued. "How did this happen? Why didn't we catch this sooner?"

"There wasn't anything we could have done." Chakwas placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. "It was sheer bad luck that the reaper virus infected her Omni-tool and jumped into her. Anyone else, and it wouldn't have happened. It could only have happened to Shepard."

"I should have gone into that geth server, not her." Kaidan closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, _knowing_ he was being stupid, _knowing_ he wasn't saying anything that wasn't making sense, but unable to stop himself from wishing that he'd gone into the geth consensus instead of her.

She'd been scared and he'd known it, and he's still let her go.

"You couldn't have stopped her if you'd tried. She's always been stubborn." Chakwas squeezed his shoulder and smiled sadly. "Now, you should get some sleep. She's not in any immediate danger, and I'll wake you if her condition changes."

"But the program Legion created ... ?"

She held up the syringe again. "Ready to be introduced to her system, and Legion and EDI will both monitor her around the clock."

"Legion's here?"

"Waiting outside. He insisted I talk to you alone. For a geth he's rather _human,_ you know _._ " She smiled warmly and nodded towards the spare bed in the medbay. "I know I'm not going to convince you to leave, but have a shower and get some sleep. You won't be any good to her or yourself if you're delirious from lack of asleep when she does need you."

Chakwas was right. His eyes were gritty and blurry, his heart was beating erratically in his chest from exhaustion, and he _hurt_ in more ways than he could count. Not to mention dried blood and Rannoch dust still coated his body. He needed to clean himself off and get some rest so he could be here for Gina when she got better and woke up.

And she _would_ get better.

Kaidan nodded and stood up. "Yeah, I'll get some rest. Thanks doc."

"The crew doesn't know about her condition," Chakwas told him as she casually leaned down and injected the serum into Gina's arm. "I mean, aside from those who needed to know. The rest know she's sick, but that's all. I thought it best to keep quiet about this until we know more. I can't imagine the brass will react positively to the news that _Commander Shepard_ has been infected with a reaper virus."

Kaidan froze. He hadn't thought about the possibility of the brass getting involved, but with the threat of indoctrination being a real possibility he could see why Chakwas had kept quiet. A chill passed through him as he thought about the way they'd locked her up in Vancouver after the Alpha Relay incident. He couldn't imagine how they'd react to the news that she'd contracted a reaper virus, but he'd imagine it wouldn't be positive.

Would they allow her medical treatment? Would they insist she be placed in the brig? Or would they insist she be _destroyed_?

He shivered.

"Thank you, Karin." Kaidan nodded to her, letting her see the relief in his eyes. "I think I'll send in a report about this later … when we know more."

The doctor nodded. "I think that's wise. I'm not sure if this will mean much to you, but Xen and Tali both hinted to me that the quarian people owed the Commander an unpayable debt for returning their home world to them." She looked up and met Kaidan's gaze. "I got the distinct impression that _any_ assistance the Commander needed would met on Rannoch. No questions asked."

"That's good to know." Kaidan leaned down and pressed a kiss on Gina's forehead, then smoothed a hand through her hair. "Until then I'll exercise my authority as CO and as a Spectre to keep a lid on this."

Chakwas didn't say anything, but she nodded her agreement as he stepped back from the bed. Kaidan knew he was misusing his powers, knew he wasn't playing by the rules, and knew he was doing this for personal reasons - to keep Gina safe and protect her from the Alliance.

But he didn't care.

He didn't care about anything except buying more time for her; and he had the distinct impression that Chakwas and the others were firmly on his side.

* * *

**A/N – Poor Gina and Kaidan. The next chapter will hopefully be out soon!**


	44. Chapter 44

**A/N - Apologies on the delay with this chapter. I had a full on couple of weeks with assessment, marking and reporting at work - and this chapter was quite difficult to write. I hope it's worth the wait. It is a little angsty, but just remember that I do love a happy ending! ;) As always a HUGE thank you to the amazing people who left me reviews, and to everyone who is reading along. Thank you!**

* * *

"Mind if I join you?"

Kaidan looked up from his untouched rations as Joker approached. The pilot walked hesitantly and waited for a sign that he was welcome before he pulled out a chair to join him at the table. The chair legs scraped across the ground, the grating shriek of metal on metal vibrating through Kaidan's head; sending slivers of pain shooting from his amp port to his temple.

"How is she?" Joker knocked his hat off and twirled it nervously in his hands, twisting it this way and that.

"She's better than she was." Kaidan rubbed his eyes, wishing the exhausted buzzing in his skull would let up for a moment so he could think clearly. He opened his eyes and tried to focus on Joker. "She's not awake yet, but the nanites have slowed the infection and stopped it spreading further, and at least that Lawson woman is here now." He drew in a shaky breath and pushed some reconstituted mashed potato around his tray with his fork. "I just have to stay positive."

_Stay positive._

His own words echoed through his head, mocking him, and he clenched one hand into a fist, trying not to give into the terrifying thought that she might not get better again. But it was hard. God, it was hard to stay positive when Gina was lying a few metres away with blackened limbs and with glowing blue wires sticking out of her skin.

It was hard to think happy thoughts when every time he went in there she lay as still as a corpse, with sallow skin and brittle hair; her body fighting to stay alive even though it was being eaten away from the inside.

Kaidan bit the inside of his cheek until he tasted blood, fighting away the tears that burned at the back of his eyes. Even after showering and scrubbing off the dirt and filth from the mission, he could still smell the lingering stench of dried blood and husk gore, and his stomach rolled at the thought of Gina becoming one of those _things_.

_What if I have to put a bullet in her … ?_

"I don't want to lose her again," Joker said suddenly, his voice catching on a thread of emotion that sounded every bit as desperate as Kaidan felt.

He looked at him then, _really looked at him_ , and saw the tell-tale signs of stress and fatigue; the bags under his eyes and the unshaven face. The way he picked at his nails and his eyes darted away from Kaidan's whenever he looked in his direction. He'd been angry at Joker for so long, hating him and blaming him for taking Gina away, that he'd forgotten he was one of her best friends.

He'd forgotten that Joker had left the Alliance and joined Cerberus just to be there with Gina and support her; to make sure she wasn't left alone with the enemy.

"We won't lose her." Kaidan straightened, swallowing the coppery taste in his mouth and forcing himself to look and sound positive. "They'll find a way. And besides, she's a fighter."

"Yeah, yeah they will." Joker nodded and straightened too, mirroring his body language. "I just ... this is so messed up." He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "I meant to ask; what did Hackett want this morning? More questions about why the Commander isn't taking his calls?"

Kaidan shook his head. "No. There are some fuel reactors he wants back online. He did want to speak to Shepard, but seemed to accept that she picked up a virus on Rannoch and would be quarantined until she was better again. I'm stalling for time but he won't wait long before he gives me a direct order to move out. He wants the Normandy on this as soon as possible."

The iron bands of stress tightened themselves around Kaidan's chest like bony fingers as he remembered Hackett's face; the way his eyes had narrowed and his lips had thinned. He hadn't liked being told that the Normandy couldn't take this mission straight away, and Kaidan knew it was only a matter of time before the Admiral ordered them to leave Rannoch. And the longer they had Shepard on board sick, the more _missions_ they went on without her, the greater chance there was of someone realising that there was more to her virus than he'd let on.

Joker chuckled and rubbed his eyes. "I still can't believe that you, the ultimate boy scout, are lying to Hackett about this." Kaidan frowned and started to speak up to defend himself, but the pilot waved him off with a small smile. "Don't get me wrong, I'm all for it, I just ... Gina brings out this whole other side of you. You're this straight up Canadian good boy until you throw her into the mix, and then everything goes out the window."

Kaidan looked down at the table and something in his chest constricted at the thought of losing her. "I love her," he said simply. "You saw what a mess I was when we lost her over Alchera. I don't know what I'll do if I lose her again."

"You won't." Joker nodded, his tone one of certainty. "Miranda will figure something out, and Shepard's a fighter. Shit Kaidan, she died once and came back-" His voice faltered and he looked guilty for a moment, swallowing hard before he added, "sorry."

"Don't be." Kaidan drew in a breath and met his troubled gaze. "The Collectors killed Gina, not you. What I said on Earth at the memorial I said out of grief. It wasn't fair and you didn't deserve it. I'm ... I'm sorry."

He'd finally said it. They were two such _little_ words, but he felt lighter for getting them out.

Joker looked down at the table, picking at an invisible mark. "Thanks. I'm not sure I completely deserve it, but thanks."

Kaidan nodded, not sure what to say, and looked over Joker's shoulder as Chakwas appeared in the medbay door. She caught his attention and motioned for him to come quickly.

He stood up. "I have to go."

The pilot's hand shot out to grab his arm. "Let me know how she does, okay? Any change at all."

"I will, you have my word." Kaidan patted his hand and Joker slowly let him go.

"Thanks. I couldn't bear to lose her again either."

He nodded and left him there, hurrying to the medbay on legs that trembled with every step. _Was Gina awake? Was it good news? Bad?_ He stopped when Chakwas held out a hand and peered over her shoulder where he could see Gina in bed, the gentle rise and fall of her chest indicating that she was still sleeping.

_Still alive._

"Tali and Miranda need to see you in Life Support urgently," the doctor spoke in a low voice, her eyes sweeping the room in case anyone was within earshot. "They've come up with something for Gina, but it's not what we were expecting and its high risk, so they want to run it past you."

He frowned. "Shouldn't they run it past Gina?"

Chakwas gave him a look that said he was stating the obvious. "They will, obviously, and I'm going to wake her now. But I'm not sure what kind of a state she'll be in mentally, and, as well as being the highest ranking officer on board, you're also the person who Shepard gave her power of attorney to. If she doesn't wake up or she isn't capable of making this decision for herself, then it's going to fall to you."

_They don't think she's going to wake up._

Kaidan drew in a slow breath and nodded, swallowing down the agonising scream that was trying to work its way out of his gut. He focused on the faint tingle of his biotics, on the sensation of breathing; of drawing air in and pushing it out, on anything except the voice in his head that wondered if the virus had reached the implants in her brain. If she'd still be Gina when they woke her up or if she'd be a mindless husk.

"Major?" Chakwas prompted him, and Kaidan blinked as he ripped himself away from his thoughts.

"I'll talk to them." He stepped back and reeled away from the doctor, unable to face the idea that the woman he loved was already gone, that the person lying in there was already a body on a slab; corrupted flesh and implants, more husk than human.

_Stop it, Alenko! Focus!_

The fear continued to course through him, and Kaidan walked through the ship like a man in a nightmare. His body felt as though it belonged to someone else, as though he were a passenger inside his own head watching everything unfold before him. His skin tingled with heightened biotics and adrenaline, and his stomach turned sickeningly; a headache pulsing behind his eyes.

_Please let them have good news_ , he begged silently, aiming his thoughts at any god or cosmic entity who might be listening. _Please. I'll do anything._

The door to Life Support slid open as he approached and he forced himself through the doorway before his nerves got the better of him. Waiting wouldn't make this any easier. The walk into the room seemed to take forever. His boot heels scraped on the metal flooring, his shadow stretched along the wall beside him, and the buzz of voices fell away as he approached.

They were seated around the table and waiting for him; Miranda, Tali, Legion, and Admiral Xen.

"Kaidan." Tali stood up and greeted him as he entered. "Is Shepard awake yet?"

"No. Chakwas is waking her now." Kaidan endured the brief hug she gave him, the seals and edges of her envirosuit digging into him painfully. When she stepped back, he couldn't wait any longer and the question he needed an answer to tumbled from his lips, "Tell me you have good news? Some way to stop this?"

A silence fell, broken only when Miranda cleared her throat pointedly.

"We do, but … our attempts to use nanites to host a VI program to fight off the virus haven't been as successful as we'd hoped," Tali admitted. "The virus is just too advanced. No matter how often the VI modifies or mutates it's programming to compensate, the Reaper Virus always overwhelms it."

The fingers around his chest tightened further, and Kaidan's breath caught in his throat when he went to speak. "Do you, I mean, what does that mean for Gina? Chakwas said you had _something_?" His mind whirled and he scrambled to recall what it was she'd said. "She said it was high risk?"

To Kaidan's surprise it was Legion who inclined its head in what could only be a nod. "Yes," it answered, "the idea came from the geth consensus on Rannoch. I took the problem of the Commander's infection to my people-"

"You did _what_?" His legs almost give way and Kaidan steadied himself against the bulkhead. Anger coursed through him; a burning, seething rage that this geth had shared Gina's condition with others. _Others_ who could possibly share that knowledge and ruin _everything_. "This was supposed to stay between us and you shared it with your _entire race_?" He balled his hands into fists and his biotics arched through the air around him.

The geth merely cocked its head, unfazed.

"I _am_ the geth," Legion reminded him, "just as all geth are part of the consensus. When I took the problem to them, I merely thought on it and the minds of my people joined me." It paused for a moment and Kaidan frowned, unsure if he'd ever get used to the machine using personal pronouns. "The geth will not betray the Shepard Commander," it added. "She saved us and reunited us with the Creators. We owe her."

Xen and Tali both murmured an agreement.

"You can trust him, Major," Xen added. "Both our people owe the Commander a great debt, and as loathe as I am to admit this, Legion's idea is the best chance your Commander has. The only chance."

Slowly, Kaidan let his biotics die down, his anger receding; tempered by his desperate need to save Gina. "Fine. So what is this idea?"

He knew he sounded petulant; _he didn't care._

"Initially, we wanted to use the nanites in Shepard's system to carry a VI to combat the reaper virus," Tali told him, "but the VI program isn't fast enough or strong enough to combat the virus, so we looked into alternate strategies."

"Artificial Intelligence to be precise," Miranda added, her blue eyes fastening on his. "Legion realised that if Gina could upload herself into the geth consensus, there was no reason a geth couldn't be uploaded into _her_ neural implants to control her nanites and combat the virus."

"Whoa, wait." Kaidan held up his hand and shook his head, uncertain he'd understood. "Are you telling me that you want to put a geth inside Gina's head? An actual living thinking AI?" He looked around at the others. "This is your plan? Save her from the reapers by infecting her with a _geth_?"

Legion nodded an affirmative. " _Uploading_ a geth," it stressed the word 'uploading', " is the only simulation that has had positive results."

"How long for? Will it take long? A few hours or-"

"Kaidan." It was Tali who interrupted him, her voice careful and measured as she watched from behind her mask, gauging his reaction. "The reaper virus mutates too fast and too often for us to cure it quickly. This will be indefinite, maybe permanent."

_Permanent?_

"But that's ridiculous." Kaidan stared at her in shock, agitation rippling through his body at the thought of Gina losing another part of her humanity. "You're talking about putting an intelligent being inside of her head! I mean, do we even know what effect this will have on her? If this geth will be able to control _her_? If it will have any effect on her personality?"

He'd tried to let go of the anger he felt for the geth, but it was hard to forget the impaled bodies and towering spikes they'd found on Eden Prime all those years ago. Nor could he forget the way the geth and Saren had swarmed Ash and been responsible for her death, _and_ the death of thousands of others as they'd tried to take the Citadel. And now Tali was calmly telling him that the only way to save Gina was to put one of them inside of her head?

"The geth will not control her," Legion was saying, and Kaidan forced himself concentrate. "In fact, the geth who is uploaded will be giving up their own free will. Shepard Commander will not be a mobile platform. They will only be able to see through her eyes if she chooses to let them see, and hear what she chooses to let them hear. They will be connected to the consensus as well all are, but will be isolated within her mind with no control over her body. This is a _sacrifice_ , but a sacrifice many are willing to make in order to save the life of the human who saved our race."

_A sacrifice._

Kaidan ran his hands through his hair and closed his eyes, stress making his headache pound all the harder. "Jesus, I don't even know what to think." He opened his eyes and focused on Miranda. "There is no other way?"

She shook her head. "This is the only plan we have that stands the slightest chance of working, and if Shepard isn't capable of making this decision on her own, then it's going to be up to you to make it for her – and you're going to have to be quick about it."

"What does that mean?" He went still, an icy coldness settling in his body as he looked into the ex-Cerberus agent's cool eyes.

She took a deep breath and splayed her hands out in a helpless gesture. "It means that if we don't get the Commander to Rannoch and start this treatment soon then it will be too late and we won't be able to save her."

_So, in other words,_ Kaidan thought cynically, _I have no choice._

"I want to save her life," he told her. "But I have to talk to Gina first. I can't force this on her-" Kaidan's omni-tool pinged, silencing the rest of his reply, and he looked down to see a message from Chakwas. "She's awake," he told the others after a moment, and glanced back up at Miranda. "Look, give me some time to talk this through with her, okay? I don't know what kind of a state she's going to be in, but I have to try and find out what she wants."

"Of course." Miranda nodded. "When you're ready, have EDI contact us. Legion and Tali will talk to Shepard, and the Admiral and I will prep the shuttle to Rannoch." Her lips quirked into a small grimace. "For what it's worth, I hope you convince her, Major. It won't be easy or simple, but this is the best chance she has, and the world needs Shepard."

"Thank you." Kaidan inclined his head respectfully, then turned on his heel and made his way back to the Medbay.

Chakwas was waiting outside with a datapad in hand, and she stopped him before he could enter. "One moment, Major."

"How is she?"

"Physically?" The doctor sighed, and Kaidan steeled himself for the worst. "I wish I had better news for you. She can barely move or feel her arms or legs, and she can't see – it looks like the virus has corrupted her optic nerves-"

"Oh God." Kaidan closed his eyes and wobbled unsteadily, bile rising in the back of his throat at the thought of Gina being _blind_.

"Major, you need to focus. Optic nerves can be repaired, and limbs _and_ eyeballs can be cloned and replaced."

_That's not the point_ , he wanted to tell Chakwas, t _he point is she's losing herself piece by piece to this virus and the only thing I can do to stop it will change her life forever._

His eyes snapped open and Kaidan gave himself a small shake. "I'm focused. Keep going."

She waited a moment before she continued, as though making sure he was really paying attention. "The Commander is in a great deal of pain, and I've administered a high dose of pain killers. Mentally, she cognizant; though the after effects of the sedatives are still knocking her around and making her a little emotional. But, she's aware of her situation and it's scaring the hell out of her. She's asked for you."

Kaidan nodded dumbly, unable to speak as his throat thickened with emotion; she was scared.

Chakwas looked down at the datapad in her hands, twisting it back and forth before she drew a breath. "Major, she _needs_ you. Right now she's lost and alone, and she needs you to comfort her and keep her calm. Let her know that you're here for her, that we all are, and when she's calm you can tell her whatever it is that _they_ told you." She narrowed her eyes, her gaze moving over his features. "It upset you didn't it? Their plan?"

_Upset him?_ He barely swallowed down a hysterical laugh.

"You could say that. Their plan is extreme, but it's all they-" Kaidan paused a drew a breath. "It's all _Gina_ has."

"Then I hope it's worthwhile." Chakwas flashed him a look that was sympathetic and stern all at once. "But right now, Shepard needs your support and no matter how much this plan worries you, you need to be strong for her."

_Strong._

He could be strong.

He'd learned how to be strong when they put the L2 implant in his head. When they sent him to BAaT. When Rahna walked away from him. When he Gina sacrificed Ash to save him. When he lost Gina over Alchera. And when she'd come back to him on Horizon. He'd been strong over and over again in the past.

He could be strong and keep it together for her.

Kaidan met the doctor's gaze and nodded. "I can do this."

"Good. I'll give you two some privacy."

Finally, she moved out of his way and Kaidan stepped into the medbay, his stomach turning with fear, nerves, and a million other emotions he didn't want to identify. The room smelled like disinfectant mixed with the sharp tang of medigel, and underneath it all was the fainter sweet-sour smell of something decaying; the smell of husk. Kaidan's stomach heaved and he swallowed the sour taste in his mouth, determinedly forcing his eyes up and onto the figure on the bed.

_Gina._

He prepared himself for what she looked like every time he walked into room, but somehow seeing her like this was still a shock. The image he carried in his head of the woman he loved was so vibrant and strong, so colourful and passionate and _alive_ , and so completely different to the woman who lay in the bed that he had trouble reconciling the two. Chakwas had tucked a blanket up around her body so only the tops of her shoulders and above were visible, but it wasn't enough to hide the effects of the virus.

She looked almost corpse-like with the mottled grey patches all over her body, blotchy purple bruises, and cybernetics glowing through cracks in her skin.

"Hey Rosie," Kaidan said softly as he took a seat by her side, using her nickname and scooting his chair closer.

Her lips trembled and her eyelids opened, her eyes moving sightlessly in his direction. "Hey stranger, I thought you'd forgotten about me."

He reached out and touched her shoulder, carefully smoothing a hand down her arm as he kissed her cheek and linked his fingers with hers. "Forget about you? Never. I've been spending all my spare time in here with you. The doc just chased me out and made me get some breakfast."

"Typical Chakwas." Gina tried to joke, but the faint shake in her voice betrayed her; she _was_ scared.

Kaidan brushed her hair off her forehead; her soft red locks falling rebelliously back in place straight away. "What about you? How are you holding up, love?"

"I don't feel much with the painkillers Chakwas gave me," she said quietly, turning her face in his direction. "And I can't see, but I'm okay. Better now that you're here." She smiled again, weakly, but her lower lip still trembled, and Kaidan's heart lurched as he saw tears glistening in her eyes. She cleared her throat and drew in a deep breath, trying to be the brave soldier. "I'm so sorry about all of this. If I hadn't tried to scan that reaper code and bring the information back this would never have happened and I'd be fine. But I … I wanted to help. I didn't think."

"Hey, _no_. Don't apologise for something you couldn't have known." Kaidan cupped her cheek, his thumb tracing small circles. "This is _not_ your fault. And you're going to be fine. Legion and Tali have been working with Miranda and Xen and they have an idea that's going to stop this virus and save you, okay?"

He winced at the hitch in his voice as he sugar-coated the truth … but in a single moment everything seemed to sharpen into focus. He understood why Liara had gone through the lengths she had to bring Shepard back after Alchera, and why Joker had left the Alliance to be by her side. It was the same reason he was lying to Hackett and the same reason he hadn't told Legion and Tali to go to hell when they floated their crazy idea to him.

It was because of love.

All his concerns about uploading a geth to fight the virus seemed to petty and insignificant when he saw how broken and frail Gina was. She _was_ dying. If they didn't do this, if they didn't take any chance they could to save her life, then they were going to lose her. And he couldn't lose the woman he loved; not again.

"Kaidan?" Gina whispered his name and seemed to look at him, her green eyes flickering with red as the optics reflected the light. "I'm scared." Her voice cracked and her hand tightened around his. "I feel like I'm … _like I'm drowning_. It's like I'm stuck in tar and I'm being sucked under, and I'm so scared that I'm not going to get free." The tears welling in her eyes spilled over and trickled down her face, catching in her hair. "I don't want to die."

"You're _not_ going to die," Kaidan denied fiercely.

_God, please. Not like this._

He moved then, shifting from the seat to the bed and catching Gina into his arms. He held her carefully, avoiding the wires and tubes helping to keep her alive as he settled against her on the bed. Her body trembled, wracked with fear as she curled against his chest and began to cry, softly at first, and then in heartbreaking sobs.

"But what if I do?" she gasped in between her tears, her face crumpling. "I don't want to be a husk. I don't want to die like this."

The terror and hopelessness in her voice tore at Kaidan's heart and he wrapped his arms around her tightly, crushing her closer. "You're not going to be a husk. No matter what happens, I'm not going to let that happen."

She sobbed even louder at that and drew back, her hands reaching up and holding onto his face as she stared at him blindly, tears coursing freely down her face. "It's not just that; I'm not ready to die. I ... I want to win the war and get married to you and have your babies. I want to do _something_ with my life other than fire a gun and kill people," she closed her eyes as her sobs shook her body, her breathing coming hard and fast. "I wanted to be a mom and wife and a _person_ rather than Commander Shepard-"

Kaidan kissed her, his own face wet with tears as she painted a picture of the life he'd dreamed and hoped for but never dared ask about. When he pulled back and opened his mouth a wordless sound of pain came out, and he closed his mouth and just held her as they both cried.

Eventually the tears stopped, and if it hadn't been for the occasional shudder and hitch in Gina's breathing, Kaidan would have thought she was sleeping.

"It's dangerous," he told her quietly. "Their plan to save you. And you'll have to leave the Normandy and go to Rannoch for a time."

"I don't care."

"It involves uploading a geth for an indefinite amount of time into your neural implants and letting it fight off the Reaper infection."

She laughed, a small hysterical burst. "Legion's idea?"

Kaidan nodded and pushed himself up on one elbow so he could look into her face. "Yeah, but it was the only idea they had that _might_ work."

"It's a good idea," she said slowly, tasting each word as she spoke. "Logical even; a ridiculous plan for a ridiculous problem. I'll do it."

"You're sure?" He narrowed his eyes, looking for some sign on her face that this was a joke.

The laugh she gave him this time was bitter and harsh. "I'm _fucked_ already, Kaidan, what's the worst that can happen? I turn into a geth-husk instead of a reaper-husk?"

"You're _not_ going to become a husk." The rejection of that idea flew out of his mouth at light speed. The horror of imagining Gina as a rotted screeching husk too much for him to bear.

She reached up, fumbling until she found him, and curled a hand around his neck, holding onto him. "You promise? You'll take care of it yourself?"

Kaidan hesitated for a beat and then nodded. "If it comes to that … I'll make sure of it."

_Liar_ , a small voice in the back of his head spoke up, _you couldn't kill her even if she was a husk and you know it._

"Thank you." Gina took a deep breath and let it out slowly, her body trembling against his, betraying how scared she really was. "Jesus, I can't believe I'm going to have a geth inside of my head."

For a moment Kaidan let the silence rest and he traced patterns on Gina's back with his free hand, trying to put into words how he'd felt when they'd explained the basics of their plan to him. Finally, he settled on the obvious question.

"Are you scared?" he asked.

She nodded. "Of course I am, but what choice do I have? I do this or I let myself become a husk and die? No, thank you. I'll take the risk." There was a pause for a moment and then she shifted against him. "You'll still love me if I do this, right? It's not going to freak you out that I'm even less human?" Her voice broke with strain and she bit her lip, her eyes filling with tears again. "Some days I feel barely human as it is, and if I do this-"

_She doesn't know she's going to lose her limbs,_ Kaidan realised. _She doesn't know how much more of her is going to be gone._

He kissed her, silencing her frightened words and holding her as close as he possibly could. "I know," he whispered as he drew back from the kiss. "And I love you too, Rosie. No matter what happens I'm always going to love you. I don't care what they put inside of your head or how many implants you have. It's _you_ that I love, and nothing will ever change that."

Gina nodded, her lip trembling as she wordlessly buried her face against her neck and cried, holding onto him as though he was the last steady thing in her world.

"EDI?" Kaidan, tightened his arm around Gina's waist, ignoring the waves of fear and anxiety crashing through him as he forced himself to speak. "Give us five more minutes and then send in Legion and Tali. We're ready."

* * *

**A/N - *meeps* poor Kaidan and Gina! Feedback and comments are very welcome!**

**Also if anyone is interested I have some lovely fanart that goes along with this story that you can see on my tumblr account - my username is vorchagirl.**


	45. Chapter 45

**A/N - Apologies on the delay with this chapter. I was sick again. I really can't catch a break! Plus some stuff on Tumblr killed my muse for a while, but she's back! A big thank you to the people who reviewed the last chapter! I had a few problems replying to reviews of the last chapter, so if I didn't reply to yours - apologies and I'll try again asap! I really appreciated the feedback though - you guys made me tear up! I hope you like this chapter - I cried a lot writing it!**

* * *

Kaidan tapped his fingers on Chakwas' desk as he watched her take Gina's vitals, her movements practiced and gentle as she did the final checks before they transferred her to Rannoch. They'd already moved her onto a stretcher bed that could be wheeled to the shuttle, and EDI was on standby with an emergency lockdown for both the crew and shuttle bay levels. This way they could clear the lower levels of crew and allow those accompanying Gina to the surface to move her without being seen.

The last thing they needed was the crew seeing their commander in her current state and starting gossip that might reach Alliance command or, _God forbid_ , the media. Kaidan repressed a shudder at the thought

"She's resting comfortably. I've given her another shot of pain relief and a mild sedative," the doctor said as she finished her checks and came to stand near Kaidan, entering the results on her omnitool. "Now, Legion was kind enough to pack most of my equipment, but I want to do a quick inventory before I leave and make sure I have everything I need to treat Gina should anything go wrong during the procedure."

He nodded and reached out to catch her hand, stilling her movement. "I didn't get a chance to say it earlier, but thank you for going with her. I know you didn't sign on for this, and I appreciate it. Gina appreciates it too." He cleared his throat and Chakwas nodded at him kindly. "I took your advice and sent a message to Dr Michel to ask if she'd be willing to join the Normandy in your absence, and I figure whether she says yes or no we can swing past the Citadel and find ourselves a temporary doctor. There are so many refugees and people seeking work, after all."

She smiled. "Chloe will join this crew in a heartbeat; she feels she owes Shepard a debt for saving her life." The doctor abruptly laughed as if remembering something. "And Garrus. Ha, how could I forgot about that? Trust me, she'll come along for Garrus if nothing else."

Kaidan frowned in confusion, but before he could ask her to elaborate, Tali entered the medbay and Chakwas excused herself to do a final check of the medical supplies she would be taking with her.

It had been a relief when the doctor had insisted she go along with Miranda to help out with the procedure on Rannoch. None of the geth or the quarians had much practical knowledge of human physiology short of studying corpses or what they'd stolen from terminals in their travels. And, given what they were about to do, Kaidan felt safer having experts on hand to help the woman he loved.

He moved back to Gina side and she groggily blinked at him. "Hey Kaidan."

"How'd you know it was me?"

"I can feel your biotics." She shifted clumsily in the bed and winced. "It hurts."

Something twisted low in Kaidan's gut at her sound of pain, and he swallowed and took her hand. "I know honey, but it's going to stop soon. I promise." He kissed her hand and held it between both of his; wishing there was something he could do to ease her suffering. "I wish I was going with you to Rannoch."

Her lips twitched and she smiled slightly, though it didn't reach her eyes. "I'm not. I need you here on the Normandy. You need to lead the crew."

"I know. But it doesn't stop from me from wishing I could stay with you." He brushed a hand through her hair. "I wish-"

"Do you remember the first time we met?" Gina interrupted him, and her hand tightened around his. "Our first kiss?"

Kaidan nodded and squeezed back, letting her distract him, letting her pull him back to happy memories instead of darkness. "Of course. How could I forget seeing that tiny red-headed commander and being completely bowled over?" He leaned down and pressed his forehead to hers affectionately. "And that first kiss? Given what happened a few minutes later I don't think I'm ever going to forget that."

She chuckled; a sleepy throaty laugh. "Well, I was pretty spectacular."

"You were," he agreed, remembering the way they'd stumbled their way to the captain's cabin to make love for the first time. "That night was unforgettable."

Gina drew in a breath and her lips trembled; her smile fraying around the edges as she struggled to maintain her composure. "If anything happens to me, I want you to remember me like that, okay?"

Her words hit him like a bucket of ice water. "Gina-"

"No, listen to me." She shook her head and gave him one of the fiercest looks he'd ever seen. So fierce it was hard to remember she was blind. "I don't want you remembering me like _this_." Her voice cracked. "Like some kind of rotten husk. I want you to remember all the happy times we had. The good times. All those special _first times_ we had; our first kiss and first date and first night together. I want you to think of me and remember the moments when we laughed together and had fun." A few tears escaped her eyes, glistening like diamonds on her cheeks, and she clumsily dashed them away with the back of her hand. "In a way, I'm glad you're not coming with me; because if something goes go wrong I don't want you to see me like that."

Tears blurred Kaidan's eyes and he drew in a shaky breath and nodded. "Oh God, Gina. I don't want you talking like this. You're going to be fine."

"I will be," she agreed, her voice wavering as more tears trickled down her cheeks. "Of course I'll be fine. But, just in case … remember me like I used to be, okay?"

_If something happens to you I'm going to be two steps behind you this time …_

The thought passed through his mind so quickly that Kaidan barely had time to register it before it was gone, and he guiltily let his breath out in a sigh. "You've got Chakwas and Miranda going with you, as well as a whole heap of geth and quarian medical experts who say this will work. You're going to be fine. Better than fine. You have to stay positive, okay? You have to stay positive for me, because I'm going to go mad if there is even a chance that this is the last time I'm ever going to see you."

Somehow, and Kaidan wasn't sure how, he managed to keep his voice steady, and he lowered his mouth to Gina's and kissed her. He poured all his love into the kiss. All the years and months he'd spent mourning her and missing her, and all the months and years he'd loving her and wanting her. He kissed her like the world wasn't coming down around them and she wasn't about to leave him, but as if it was their first time kissing and he wanted to show her how much he cared.

She responded with equal fever, and wrapped her arms tightly around his neck to pull him close. Her mouth opened under his and deepened the kiss with a velvet slide of her tongue. As always she tasted like chocolate and coffee, as though she'd been sneaking treats even in medbay, and Kaidan broke the kiss with a smile, kissing the tip of her nose and all around her face before her drew back. Grateful that Gina couldn't see the broken look on his face or the tears in his eyes.

"Kaidan? Gina?" Tali approached them, her voice soft and apologetic for interrupting. "We're ready when you are."

_This was it. This was goodbye._

Kaidan nodded at the quarian. "Thanks. We'll be ready in one moment."

Tali nodded and gave them some space.

He turned back to Gina and gently tucked her hair behind her ear, the tight fearful feeling that this was the last time he'd ever see her growing inside of him. He squeezed his hand into a fist to shop it from shaking and then cupped her face.

"Gina? It's time to go."

She blinked and gave him a watery smile. "I'm blind, Kaidan. Not deaf."

He snorted in surprise and dragged his thumb across her lip. "Sassy to the last. I should have known."

"Of course." Gina kissed his thumb and turned her face into his hand. She lay there for a moment, taking slow deep breathes, and Kaidan felt the wetness of tears against his palm. It took everything in him not to cry, not to scream, not to rage at the unfairness of what was happening. "I love you, Kaidan," she said softly. "No matter what happens, you have to remember that. I always did, and if I regret anything, it's not telling you sooner." She closed her eyes tightly and drew in a harsh breath, shaking her head as though she hated herself. "I was an idiot."

"I love you too. More than anything. More than the sun and the moon and the stars." He pressed his face to hers again and prayed she wouldn't feel how badly he was shaking. He had to brave for her. He had to be strong. She had to believe that _he_ believed she was going to be fine. "And you're not an idiot. I was the idiot who pushed you away when you reached out to me. I'm stubborn, remember?"

"Yeah, you are." She turned her face and kissed him, a slow gentle kiss. "But I love your stubbornness. I love everything about you, and I'm going to miss you while I'm on Rannoch."

Kaidan kissed her to stop the sob he could feel building in his throat. The horrible sense that he was about to lose Gina was building again, and he struggled to swallow back the waves of fear and crushing panic that was rising in him. Somehow he did though, and he drew back from the kiss and pressed his forehead to hers and held her face in his hands.

"I love you too, and I'm going to miss you." His voice sounded steady, with only the faintest tremble.

"Take care of my ship while I'm gone. No joy riding." She smiled as she kissed him again, her tears soaking his fingers as she cried. "And stay safe. No getting yourself killed while they fix me. That's an order."

"Yes Ma'am, I'll be careful." Kaidan caught both her hands in his, pressing kisses to her fingers as he drew back. He waited a beat, and then forced the words out. "Are you ready?"

She nodded with a quick jerk of her head. "I am."

"I'll let them know." Kaidan kissed the top of her head and stepped away.

He got Tali's attention and nodded at her, signalling that they were fine to proceed. She gave him a quick hug, her eyes kind behind her visor, then she and Chakwas began to prep Gina for transport. They strapped her down safely on the stretcher-bed and attached the necessary medical equipment, while EDI initiated the crew-lockdown drill. It wouldn't take long to clear the levels; in a lockdown, the crew on this level would be sent to their quarters, and on the lower levels they'd go to the armoury change room.

Kaidan let out a shaky breath as Tali and Chakwas finished just as the medbay doors opened and Garrus and Liara came in. They'd said their goodbyes to Gina earlier along with the rest of the crew who knew about her condition, but he wasn't surprised to see them here. They were her friends, and judging from the tears in Liara's eyes and the pale colour in Garrus' cheeks, neither was dealing with this much better than he was.

"It's time to go," Chakwas told them.

He nodded and put a hand on Gina's shoulder, a familiar biotic pulse leaping between them. "Then let's go."

It felt surreal to move through the ship when it was empty, with sirens wailing and lights flashing, and Kaidan rigidly forced his mind away from memories of when the Collector ship had attacked the first Normandy above Alchera. _He wasn't going to lose her again. He wasn't._ Garrus chatted on the way down to the shuttle, bantering lightly with Shepard and keeping her spirits high while she squeezed Kaidan's hand so tightly he thought the bones might break.

It was the only indication she gave of how frightened she was.

The fear in his stomach solidified into an icy lump as the elevator door slid open to reveal the quarian shuttle waiting for them with Xen and Legion standing alongside. Kaidan hung back as Garrus and Liara said another round of goodbyes; the asari openly crying as she kissed Shepard on both cheeks and promised to use her Shadowbroker resources to do what she could to help her out, Garrus promising to watch Kaidan's back. They stepped aside and the others receded, giving Kaidan a last, brief moment alone with Gina.

He felt sick.

"Kaidan?" She looked in his direction, her eyes blindly searching for him.

"I'm here." Kaidan caught her hand and kissed her knuckles, fighting off the desire to say _'to hell with it_ ' and throw command of the Normandy to Joker or Vega and go with her. But he couldn't let Gina down like that; _he wouldn't_. "You stay safe down there and get better, okay?"

"I will." She swallowed hard, her lower lip trembling. "You stay safe up here."

"Always." He kissed her slowly, tenderly, and traced her face, memorising every detail; ignoring the damage the reaper virus had done and seeing under it to the woman he loved. "I love you so much, Gina. So much. And I'm going to miss you."

She nodded and teared up. "You're making me cry again," she accused softly

Kaidan wiped away a tear as it escaped. "Sorry."

"It's okay, I love you too-" She started to say more, but a sob escaped her and she shook her head. "Oh God, this is so hard. I think I have to do this fast, like a band aid."

"Then let's get you on board." Kaidan nodded to the others. They stepped forward and, before he knew it, loaded her stretcher onto the shuttle. He held her hand for as long as he could, but finally they were done and he leaned in to press his cheek against hers in a final goodbye. "See you when I see you, love."

"Goodbye, Kaidan." She turned her head and kissed the tip of his nose, a small water-logged smile fighting its way through her tears. "I'll see you soon."

Then Kaidan stepped back out the shuttle and, with a hollow gutted feeling, he stood with Garrus and Liara and watched the shuttle prep, lift off and fly away. Liara turned and left, but Kaidan stayed, his stomach churning as his heart thudded heavily in his chest, feeling like it would stop beating at any moment. He watched as the shuttle bay doors closed, the force field that separated them from the vacuum of space shimmering faintly as the doors passed through it and closed.

And just like that she was gone.

Kaidan let out the breath he'd been holding as the horror and fear welled up like a tidal wave inside of him, unstoppable now, and with a gut-twisting wrench of realisation, it hit him that he might never see her again. That he was leaving Gina behind on Rannoch and, that if Legion's plan went badly, he would be leaving her behind to die. His chest burned, his breath caught in his throat, and tears blurred his vision as he let out a choked sob and his legs collapsed beneath him.

Garrus half-caught him and the turian lowered him to the ground.

"I'm so sorry, Kaidan," he murmured softly. "Shepard doesn't deserve this, and I can't imagine what it would be like to see the person you love go through this either."

Kaidan nodded but said nothing as he struggled to get himself under control. Gina wouldn't want him acting like this; he was in command now and he had to get himself together while he was in public. Plus, EDI would be ending the lockdown soon, and if people came out and found him like this on the floor they'd know something was wrong.

He struggled to his feet and took a few slow, even breaths. "I need to get out of here."

"Go and have a shot of whiskey, perhaps?" Garrus suggested as he followed him to the elevator and they caught it back to the crew level, the lights and alarms off now, though the crew were still confined to their rooms.

A drink sounded like the best idea Kaidan had heard in a long time, and as soon as the elevator door opened he headed straight for his room on the Starboard Observation Deck. He didn't wait for Garrus, and didn't care if he followed him or not. Right now, he needed to forget about the fact that he was leaving Gina behind, and a whiskey or two sounded perfect.

His room was the same as the last time he'd been down here, and he poured himself a generous shot of alcohol and downed it fast, wincing as it burned all the way to his belly, before pouring another and sipping it more slowly as he sat on one of the lounges and stared balefully out at the stars.

Someone cleared their throat.

"Mind if I join you? I've brought a friend. Two actually." Garrus piped up from the doorway.

Kaidan swung around and snorted as he caught sight of not only Joker, who raised a hand in greeting, but of the fluffy cat the turian was holding in his hands.

He hesitated for only a moment. Truthfully, he had intended to spend the evening alone, but suddenly the prospect of sitting here and drinking by himself seemed sad, pathetic even. Gina wouldn't want him to sit here alone, scared, dwelling on everything that could go wrong and remembering how lonely and painful it had been to go through her death the first time.

She was still alive, _dammit_ , and he had to stop acting like she wasn't!

"Sure," Kaidan waved them in. "Though I haven't got anything dextro on me."

"That's no problem," Garrus grinned with a flutter of his mandibles, "I brought my own."

He set the cat down on the on the coffee table and revealed a bottle of turian wine which he'd been carrying under one arm. Joker retrieved two glasses for himself and Garrus from the shelf and flopped onto the couch next to Kaidan.

"May I?" He asked gruffly, his eyes obviously red rimmed as he nodded towards the whiskey. "It's been a shitty morning."

Kaidan nodded. "Knock yourself out."

Nero butted his head against his hand and Kaidan indulged him with a scratch behind the ears, swallowing hard as he remembered smuggling the little cat on board, and the hilarious way Gina had discovered the furry stowaway.

"She's going to be fine, you know," Garrus piped up as he poured a glass of the metallic grey turian wine "Shepard beat death, there's no way she's going to let a little thing like this stop her. You'll see; she'll be good as new when we pick her up."

The two humans exchanged a quick look, and Joker openly winced. "Garrus, don't tempt Murphy, man."

"Murphy?" He cocked his head to the side and frowned. "I don't think I know him?"

The pilot almost laughed but covered it by taking a drink.

"It's a saying," Kaidan supplied dryly as Nero curled up on his lap, purring, the cat soothing his fears and reassuring him that everything would be okay. "Murphy's Law states that anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. It's one of the reasons we try not to tempt fate too much."

Garrus shifted uncomfortably, then drank his wine in one gulp and set the glass down very deliberately on the coffee table and poured himself another. "Well, both Murphy _and_ his damned law can just stay the hell away from _our_ Commander, right?"

"Hell yeah," Joker charged his glass of whiskey and clinked it against Garrus' glass. "I'll drink to that!"

They looked expectantly at him and Kaidan slowly nodded. "Yeah, I'll drink to that." He clinked his glass against theirs and then raised it to the stars visible through the observation window. "Murphy, keep your damn law away from my girl!"

This time he barely felt the alcohol burn as he swallowed it.

* * *

**A/N - My heart hurts. But ... things get _better_ from here. I promise. I'd love to know what you thought of this chapter. **


	46. Chapter 46

**A/N - Eeeek! I'm so sorry that you had to wait over a month for an update - thanks for sticking around. I've never taken so long to update a fic before, but in my defense I fractured my leg and broke two toes, got buried with work and Mass Effect pop vinyl commissions, and I struggled a bit with this chapter. Hopefully it's worth it!**

**Hopefully my head is in a better place now. Thank you so much to the people who reviewed the last chapter. Gosh, those reviews meant so much to me** **! I really hope you like this chapter. It's setting up something *big* and the next chapter is already partly written, you'll be glad to know!**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

Six weeks.

Kaidan sighed. Each footfall in the echoing corridor seemed to sound out the beat of those words as he walked towards the Asari Embassies. _Six Weeks. Six Weeks. Six Weeks._ That's how long Gina had been gone. He'd counted each minute, each hour, each day, and each week. And now those weeks were trickling into months. Hackett had kept him busy with missions; the fuel reactors had only been the start. Cerberus had become more brazen with their attacks on the Alliance, and the Normandy had been called into take back bases, retrieve vital data, and even pick up reaper tech that Cerberus had been playing with.

_That_ mission has made his skin crawl, and Cerberus had put up one hell of a fight. He'd taken Vega, Jack and some of the Grissom students along, and they'd made it alive out by the skin of their teeth. In fact, if Cortez hadn't risked his life in a risky flyby pickup, he was certain they would have lost one of the kids on that mission.

The thought gave him chills.

More recently he'd led a team to Gellix to rescue some Cerberus scientists after Traynor had located their base. Thank God he had taken Garrus along, because the scientists had been more than a little jumpy. Through sheer chance, one of the defecting Cerberus operatives had worked on Gina's team when she had worked for Cerberus, and he'd recognised Garrus. They'd had quite a task getting the scientists and their families off the base, but they'd managed it, and they'd also managed to recruit them into the Crucible project.

Jacob Taylor, the Cerberus operative who had worked with Garrus, had been expecting to see Gina, and had peppered Kaidan with questions about her whereabouts, eventually accepting his story about her infection and quarantine. He'd promised to look her up when she was better, and had asked Kaidan to pass along the news of his survival and defection.

Kaidan hoped he would have the chance.

He sighed as his eyes landed on the Spectre offices. The last time he had been in there he'd met up with Gina, and they'd gone hand to hand and ended up tangling with each other in more than a combative sense. His chest tightened and he pulled his eyes away. _She would be fine_. At this stage, no news was still good news, though it was hard to stay positive when her absence in his life was like a great big black hole sucking all the light from his life.

He shook the bleakness off him and raised his chin as he opened the door to Tevos' office and strode in; right now he couldn't afford to be negative.

"Major Alenko!" The asari councillor couldn't keep the surprise out of her voice as Kaidan walked into her office. She recovered quickly and stood politely, smoothing down the crinkles in her dress. "I was expecting Commander Shepard-"

"The Commander is still on quarantine on Rannoch," Kaidan explained, repeating the same lie he'd given so many of his superiors over the past few weeks. "I'm in command of the Normandy until she recovers."

For someone who had spent a good portion of his life avoiding lies and stiving to be truthful, he'd become quite adept at lying. He'd lied to Anderson and Hackett over vidcom after he'd helped get the fuel reactors back online in the Silean Nebula, he'd lied to the Council in his Spectre reports, and now he was lying face to face with one of the council members. And, perhaps worst of all; he didn't feel bad about it anymore. He felt nothing. Not even the faintest flicker of guilt. Just a faint hope that Tevos wouldn't push the issue and ask for details, forcing him to lie more.

Thankfully, she didn't.

Tevos nodded slowly. "I see. I heard she had contracted some sort of virus, but I was hoping she was better. The information I have is of a," she cleared her throat and looked out the window, "of a sensitive nature."

"I can assure you, Councillor, that I will handle this with the utmost confidentiality." Irritation burned through Kaidan and he struggled not to let it show in his voice. "You said this was a matter of urgency? That it was about information that could influence the war?"

She was silent for a moment and the irritation rose up again, sharp and sweet.

_This_ subtle kind of resistance was what he'd been encountering ever since he'd taken command of the Normandy. Not because people didn't trust him or because people weren't willing to follow him into battle, but because he _wasn't_ Commander Shepard. His name carried some weight and some authority, she was a legend and when the Normandy appeared it was her than people expected to see. As much as he loved Gina, it hurt to have people doubt that he was as capable as her.

"Tevos?" Kaidan prompted, crossing his arms over his chest, determinedly hiding his hurt. "I protected you during the coup. I'm a loyal Spectre and the Commanding Officer of the Normandy. Whatever you wanted to tell Shepard, you can tell me and I'll get the job done. I've been through hell with her and nothing has stopped me yet."

The councillor sighed and pulled herself up higher. "Yes. You're right, of course. It's silly to put so much faith in one soldier. It's just that she's done so much, and she seems to know so much about the reapers."

_Too much,_ he thought sourly, thinking of the virus that was, as far as he knew, still infecting her synthetic parts.

"Well," he offered the asari a wry smile, "she's one hell of a soldier, but the Normandy has a good team and we're working to get the Crucible built. Any information you have would be valuable to us. And hopefully Shepard will be well enough to join us soon."

Tevos narrowed her eyes slightly and one corner of her mouth twitched as he inadvertently used Gina's last name instead of her rank. Absently, he wondered just how much the councillor really knew about their relationship. Probably more than he wanted her too.

"You make a strong argument." She smiled and indicated that he should walk with her. "I'll tell you what I know, but understand that the details I have are limited and time is of essence."

_Then stop wasting time and tell me,_ Kaidan managed to bite back the words and keep a polite expression on his face, though his temper bubbled under the surface; concern for Gina and annoyance at Tevos' stalling tactics grating along his nerves.

"As are all our home worlds, Councillor."

Tevos frowned. "Indeed. I'll cut to the chase, Major. There is a prothean artefact on Thessia which may be of use to the Crucible project. It has been in my people's care for many years now, it's existence and location kept a carefully guarded secret from all but our most senior matriarchs in the government." She spoke in a low voice, as though worried she would be overheard. "I believe it may hold the key to the Catalyst."

Kaidan froze. According to Hackett's latest reports, the Crucible project was proceeding smoothly aside from one missing component; something referred to in the plans as the Catalyst. It seemed to be the mechanism needed to fire the Crucible, and without it they had a weapon of mass destruction and no way to fire it. It was like having a nuclear bomb and no way to arm it. And here Tevos was, telling him that the asari had had the information all along.

Rage welled up, hot and thick inside of him; bubbling like acid in his stomach.

"The asari had this information all along, and they're only sharing it _now_?" The words snapped from his mouth like bullets, cutting through the air with razor precision and slamming into Tevos.

The councillor straightened, her eyes narrowing.

He'd offended her.

He didn't care.

"There was no way we could have known that the Alliance would be successful in building the Crucible," she defended herself, anger curling through her voice like a live thing. "The Asari were looking after their own interests-"

"And what's changed?"

Silence fell. A heavy cloaking silence that smothered the room in a thick uncomfortable blanket.

Tevos met his eyes and he saw something like fear or shame flicker in their depths. "The reapers have attacked Thessia," she admitted slowly, the words scraping from her throat. "The situation grows dire on our world, and if you do not get the artifact now, you may never get it. This weapon is our best hope."

So, Thessia was being attacked. Finally, he was getting to the truth. Tevos wasn't offering him help because she'd had a change of heart; the asari were offering him this information because their planet was in the line of fire, and they were out of options. The Crucible was no longer just a _human_ weapon to fight the reapers, it was now a weapon to fight the reapers which the asari were interested in using too.

Kaidan rubbed his eyes, tired of the political manoeuvring. "Where do I find it?"

She let out a breath as though she'd been expecting him to reject her offer and storm out. "The Temple of Athene. I'll forward the Coordinates to the Normandy." Tevos stepped forward and grasped his hands, her fingers cool against his. "Thank you, Major. The asari were wrong not to offer assistance sooner."

"Yes, you were."

Kaidan stepped back and pulled his hands from hers, nodding politely as he turned on his heel. He needed to get out of this office, out of this political vipers nest, and off the Citadel. The sooner he got away from this place the better. And maybe, just maybe when he got back to the Normandy there would be some news about Gina.

His hands tightened into fists; any news would be good news. The updates he got from Chakwas were highly encrypted, incredibly vague, and always said the same thing in case they were intercepted; **Quarantine in effect**. **Treatment continues. Condition stable.** No word on if she was getting any better. No hint if they had had to amputate her limbs as Chakwas had feared. No details at all. Just the same vague reassurance that Gina was still alive, still receiving treatment, and, Kaidan hoped, that it was working.

But he missed her. God, he missed her.

There was only so much reassurance that Garrus and Joker would give him, only so many times that he and Liara could sit together late at night and tell each other that she would be fine, that she would get through this. There was only so often that he could walk into her cabin without her there - smell her scent, touch her clothes, sleep in her bed - before he knew the cracks would show. He just needed some hint that she was okay; a message, a picture, a note. Something. Anything. Some hint that she was getting better.

He wanted to hold Gina in his arms and reassure himself that he hadn't lost her again, that she was still alive and still his girl.

But most of all, he wanted Gina to come home.

* * *

"Okay, power levels are holding steady in her cybernetics and neural pathways are clear of the reaper virus. I think we have it beaten this time."

The voice seemed to come from far away. It sounded muffled. Distorted. As though she were hearing it from under water.

"Her vitals are strong, and heart rate and breathing is increasing. I think she's waking up. Shepard? Can you hear me?"

_Yes. I hear you._

She wanted to answer the voice and tried to move her lips accordingly, but her body felt heavy and limp, and she couldn't seem to make her mouth move. It were as though she were an insect stuck in sap, desperately thrashing to get free. Only she couldn't move at all. And after a moment of futile struggle, she gave up.

She surrendered to the lethargy up and hung in the darkness. Floating. Trying to work out where she was. She knew she was Gina Shepard. N7 Operative, Council Spectre, and Alliance Marine. She knew she was working to fight the reapers. She knew there had been an accident and she had been infected by the reaper virus, but after that things were confused.

There were fragments of memories; snatches of images of sounds that painted a picture that left her cold with dread.

She'd been turning into a husk and close to dying.

She could remember Kaidan kissing her goodbye. She could remember other people saying good bye; Garrus, Joker and Tali. Liara had been crying. There were glimpses of other faces in her mind, though from how long ago she couldn't say. Most were quarian and geth, but she could remember seeing Miranda and Chakwas as they worked over her. They always looked concerned, always worried, as though she were constantly on the verge of dying on them.

Maybe she had been.

_Am I human?_ She wondered? Am I a husk?

_**Negative. Shepard Commander is not a husk.** _

The voice, unexpected and laced with digital noise, came from the darkness, and Gina started as something intelligent and bright touched her mind. Something that was unmistakably geth but which felt different to Legion. When Legion spoke she could hear the multiple geth within it, but this was singular, this was one geth alone inside of her head.

And it seemed oddly ... _human_.

_They put a geth in me_ , she remembered all at once. Vague memories surfacing sluggishly through her mind.

_**Affirmative**_ , the geth confirmed. _**I have been working to free you from the reaper virus infecting your nanites.**_

_And is it working?_ Gina struggled to wake from the lethargy holding her prisoner, and felt her limbs twitch and her eyelids flicker. Her body felt different. Heavier. There was something wrong with her arms and legs.

_**Yes, though the virus is not gone completely, nor do I believe it will ever be eradicated. But I have it contained to your non-essential cybernetic systems and I am destroying it as it attempts to replicate. The reaper virus also turned much of your organic cells necrotic as it attempted to take over your systems, much of your organic body could not be saved.** _

If she'd been awake, she would have frozen, but as it was her mind seemed to ice over and freeze up. She'd lost much of her organic body? To her surprised she sensed something from the geth, something that felt like remorse. Did it feel _sorry_ for her?

_How much of me is gone?_

It didn't hesitate to lay out the facts, as though it sensed that she needed to know this information; that it was vitally important that she know the complete truth. _**The doctors were forced to remove both of your arms from the shoulders down, both legs from the knees down, and both of your eyes. All were replaced with synthetic parts. It is possible that your skin weave may need to be replaced as it does not cover the artificial limbs.**_

Arms, legs, eyes. Maybe her skin. Gina drew in a deep breath, fighting down panic, and felt herself shifting on the table. The sensation of her body moving on a hard operating table seemed to flip a switch inside of her, and she felt herself as she hadn't before. Rather than feeling as though she were hanging in a formless void she could feel her arms and legs. She could feel her fingers and toes tingling, could feel the sensation of air moving against her skin, the touch of hands as she was probed and prodded.

Her eyelids fluttered as she tried to open them, and she saw a crack of light and blurred shapes.

"Shepard?" The voice asked again. It sounded louder. Clearer. Familiar even.

_What are you? Who are you?_ She asked the geth. _It seems like we're going to be stuck together for a while._

_**Indeed**_ _._ She had a sense of amusement from the geth. _**I was a Geth Hunter; an advanced prototype infiltration model. My mobile platform was damaged during your attack on the geth dreadnaught.**_

The geth showed her a series of memories that played almost like digital recordings, showing clips of its life. Of it fighting, helping it's people, fighting quarians, and then volunteering to be uploaded into her consciousness to combat the reaper virus. She had a sense of its hatred for the Reapers and the way they had exploited the geth's fear of destruction; of the way they had tried to use the geth to wage war on the quarians and likely the rest of the galaxy soon after.

_You didn't approve of the reapers?_ She asked it as she tried to flex her fingers and move her toes.

_**At the time, joining the reapers seemed the logical choice, but since the upgrades granted us individuality I have come to understand that the reapers were using us. That they would have saved us from the quarians, only to enslave us.** _

"Shepard? _Commander_? Can you hear me? Try to squeeze my hand!"

Fingers took hold of hers. The sensation felt right. Normal. Whatever they had replaced her limbs with felt _real_. Her hand felt like a real hand should. She could feel the touch of skin against her hand, could feel the softness of a woman's skin, and the heat of their body temperature. And yet … it felt different. Her hand felt heavier and more solid. She tried to move her fingers, and they twitched again, responding sluggishly to her sedated commands.

Finally, with what felt like a tremendous effort of will, she opened her eyes, squinting up into the bright light and blurry shapes hovering above her.

"She's awake!" A voice that she recognised as Miranda's began rattling off orders, and another blurry shape that sounded unmistakably like Chakwas' began speaking to her softly and kindly, telling her to relax and to try not to move around too much.

_Is Kaidan here?_ She wanted to ask, but her tongue and throat felt clumsy and the words wouldn't come.

_**Only the two females came from your ship. Is Kaidan your mate?**_ The geth sounded interested and she sensed it's intelligence hovering near the front of her mind as she swallowed down disappointment that he wasn't here.

_You can't just read my mind and see my memories?_

It responded in the negative. _**Your mind is your own. I am part of you but separate. Though I am curious about how organics choose to link with a partner. I would appreciate insight.**_

She sensed it's curiosity. It knew about the physical mechanics of sex and the mating rituals of many species, but it didn't understand the emotion of love, or what would drive one creature to love another so deeply that it would link for it for life. It was enchanted with the idea of love, with lust, with all those emotions that organics treasured so dearly.

Gina smiled, and felt her mouth move physically. _I'll share some memories with you when I'm feeling better. But yes, Kaidan is my partner. Or my mate, I suppose._

_**Thank you, Shepard Commander.** _

_Gina,_ she told it. _We're going to be together for a long time. You should call me Gina. What should I call you?_

It hesitated for a long time. _**This unit does not have a name. It is a Geth Hunter-**_

_How about Hunter?_ She asked it. _I think that's a lovely name. Very suave._

_**Hunter.**_ The geth tested the name, and she sensed it's approval moments before it responded in the affirmative. _ **Yes. That name would be appropriate. Thank you, Gina.**_

She smiled again and blinked slowly, trying to clear her vision as the shapes of the doctors continued to move around her, working to slowly wake her from the drugged stupor and bring her back to the waking world. It took an effort, but she curled her fingers around the hand in hers, holding on tightly to whoever it was. Clinging to the human sensation of touch. Whatever they'd done to her, they'd saved her life. She was still alive. She was still herself.

She was still Gina Shepard.

* * *

**A/N - *chews nails* I hope you liked this chapter! Reviews make my day!**


	47. Chapter 47

**A/N – I'm so sorry that this chapter took so long to get out. My muse completely vanished and I was really struggling to get Gina to talk to me … but eventually she did. This isn't a very long chapter, but the next chapter has their reunion and should be an absolutely AMAZING chapter!**

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter: GoddessTiera, NormandyStarlight, Kirabaros, Vanessa Masters, Mistress 0f Dragons, thecommanderkirk, jediserenity82, Impslave, ela11, SerenityfalconNormandy, HeroInTraining, Jules Hawk, Simone the Reaper Hunter, TLCinbflo, Kirsah,** **faithlessone, soldiermom1973** **, astanne, ShadowGale, Komekoro, AgeOfRogues, bubuli, Dawntempest** ** & Mizdirected** **\- your feedback meant so much to me! Seriously! Thank you for brightening my day!**

* * *

Sweat poured down Gina's body as she dropped into a crouch and paused, sucking in a deep breath as her heart thundered in her chest. Her skin tingled and buzzed as blood and biotics crawled through her veins and pulsed under her skin, her body feeling more alive than it had in weeks. Her synthetic arms and legs were heavier than she was used to, and learning to move and fight with the extra weight, even with the reinforcements that Miranda had made to her bone and muscle weaves, had proven more difficult than she had expected.

With a grunt, she pushed off from the ground and sprung forward, moving across the ground in a series of handsprings and half-twists, cartwheels and round-offs, using small biotic bursts to propel herself and control her movements. Her synthetic limbs, cumbersome though she still found them, weren't great for channelling huge bursts of biotics, but they were turning out to be great for small precision bursts of energy.

Gina flew through the air, landing and springing up again, forcing herself to move faster and further in leaps that would have made even the athletic Vega envious. She aimed punches and kicks at invisible enemies, used the biotic palm blasters that Miranda had installed to shoot bursts of energy at imaginary targets, then spun and leapt to cover in blindingly fast movements. She practiced cloaking and uncloaking, sending out drones and overloads, until her omni-tool glowed red hot and her biotic amp thumped painfully in the back of her head.

She hated it.

She hated her body.

She hated that she had made one little mistake and would be paying for it for the rest of her life.

She landed on her feet with a sob, breath heaving as she caught her balance and wiped sweat and tears from her eyes. She wobbled for a second and the collapsed to the ground, her fingers scraping deep grooves onto the floor as she raked her hands across the ground in a sudden move of frustration. It wasn't fair. _It wasn't fair._ She bit back the scream rising in her throat as she saw the scratches she'd left and horror boiled up in her belly.

_One little mistake. One moment. One tiny infection and she'd lost so much of herself._

Gina clutched her arms to her chest, hating them, curling in on herself and rocking gently as she allowed the tears to fall for just for a moment. For just for a second. Just while she was alone. While no one could see her. She allowed herself this moment of bitter unhappiness, of wallowing in her grief for her lost humanity and mourning her lost limbs, while her stomach turned and her chest ached, and then she dashed away her tears and forced herself up.

Crying wouldn't bring back her arms and legs.

It wouldn't bring back her eyes.

It sure as hell wouldn't make Kaidan magically appear and put his arms around her.

The thought of Kaidan sent a stabbing spear of loneliness through her, a throbbing ache in her heart that _hurt_ down to the very core of her being, and with a force of will she didn't know she possessed, she forced the pain away.

Gina stood to her full height and forced her chin up as she stretched until her shoulder joints cracked. The skin pulled tight where it had been fused with the synthetic fibres and she cursed as she rubbed one shoulder and then the other, embracing the pain, rejoicing in the physical agony that distracted her from the emotional pain. She stretched her arms out in front of her, a sick feeling settling in the pit of her stomach as she saw metal and gears instead of familiar hands and arms.

_You know, your doctor could give you some ointment for the discomfort you're experiencing from the scarring,_ Hunter piped up helpfully. _Though I do not think she has ointment for your other discomforts. I am sorry the absence of your partner grieves you so._

_I'll be fine._ Gina tried to brush his concern away, and focused on the physical pain instead. _I think the skin at my joints is inflamed from the exercise I've been doing, but I'll ask Chakwas for some ointment if you think it will help,_ she added as she did some quick cooldown stretches and stripped off for a shower. She paused and hesitated in front of the mirror, frowning, looking over her naked body and hating what she saw. _Can you see me right now?_

_No, I am not currently accessing your optics. Your use of biotics disrupts my connection with some of your synthetic systems, and the reaper virus has begun to spread again. I am currently focused on containing it._

She paused, one foot in the shower. _Should I be concerned?_

_No. The disruption and spread is minor. Doctor Lawson theorised this could happen, which is why your biotics have been … curtailed._

'Curtailed' was one way to put it, Gina thought bitterly as she started the shower and stepped in. Her biotic amp had been turned down and completely depowered, and her attacks felt like firecrackers as opposed to the atomic bombs they'd been previous. She could still use her powers but they were infinitely weaker than they had been, and learning to accept her new limits had been frustrating.

Chakwas and Miranda had tried to spin it to her in a positive light, pointing out that her new synthetic limbs and Geth counterpart would give her access to tech attacks that few other people could do. But Gina had never been interested in tech attacks. She'd trained as a Vanguard, not as a Sentinel. It had meant relearning new limits for herself, new attacks on the battlefield, and new strategies for fighting her enemies.

And really, all it really meant was that another part of her had been stripped away.

Sick to her stomach and feeling worse than ever, Gina finished showering and dressed as quickly as possible. Chakwas had asked to see her earlier, and she headed to the temporary office that the quarians had given her, not bothering to knock as she wandered in and threw herself down into a chair. The doctor glanced up, raising an eyebrow as she took in her damp hair and unkempt appearance.

"How was your workout?" She asked as she set down the datapad she'd been reading.

Gina shrugged. "Fine. Any word on when the Normandy will arrive?"

The doctor went still, and Chakwas adjusted the datapad in front of her, flicking through the screens as though searching for something. "Well, yes. Some news," said evasively. "As you know, we couldn't just send Kaidan and the Normandy a message telling him what had happened. But we let him know that you were fine and that the " _quarantine_ " had been lifted."

"And when will he be here?" She sat up straighter, her heart fluttering at the thought of seeing him again. _How long had it been? Weeks? Months?_ A smile tugged at her mouth and she leaned forward slightly, eager for the answer.

Chakwas cleared her throat, and Gina's heart fell as she saw the apology on her features before she opened her mouth. "Not as soon as you'd like, I'm afraid. Kaidan sent a reply that the Normandy has been diverted to Thessia on a priority mission-"

"What do you mean ' _the Normandy has been diverted to Thessia on a priority mission'_?" Gina frowned and flexed her fingers under the table, balling her hands into fists as tightly as she could. According to the latest reports she'd tapped into over the geth consensus, Thessia had been besieged by reapers. What the hell was Kaidan being sent there for? Especially after the Asari had refused to help them! What if he was killed or injured? She gritted her teeth and voiced her fears. "I thought Thessia was under attack from Reapers?"

"Under attack _and_ being evacuated," the doctor confirmed. She met Gina's eyes squarely, unflinchingly reaching across and touching her shoulder. "I don't like it either, Shepard, but I've notified Kaidan that you're awake, so if he's opting to go to Thessia first, you can bet he has a damn good reason."

She nodded but leaned away from the doctor's touch; it felt wrong to have to have anyone touching the cold lumps of metal attached to her body. Her hands were trembling from the force with which she had curled them into fists, and metal ground against metal as her fingertips dug into her loathsome palms. If she had nails she was sure she would have drawn blood by now, but as it was she could only feel the pressure she was applying to herself and nothing more.

There was no pain. No blood. No skin. Just metal and synthetic parts.

She hated looking down and seeing the dull grey shine of the artificial limbs. And while she appreciated that the geth had worked hard to ensure that her arms looked appropriately human and not geth-like, she hated seeing gears and rivets; moving parts and long metal casings. She still looked down and expected to see flesh and blood, not these horrible robot-arms; as though a mech were standing behind her and waggling it's arms around in place of her own.

But these _were_ her arms now.

No more pale skin and freckles. No more fingernails for her to paint pink or red. Chakwas and Miranda were still talking about replacing her skin weave to hide the synthetic limbs, but it wouldn't change the fact that under her skin she was more machine than human.

Gina looked back up, realising that the silence had stretched for too long, and she forced a smile. "You're right. Kaidan wouldn't have gone to Thessia unless there was no other choice."

The doctor nodded, seemingly satisfied. "I know it's difficult to sit and wait, but the Normandy crew can handle themselves-"

"Except we're talking about reapers here." She released her hands from the tight little balls she'd clenched them into, and splayed them out angrily. "I don't like this, Doc. Not one little bit. I know my crew are good and I trust Kaidan … but why Thessia? Something feels _wrong_ here."

Chakwas raised an eyebrow. "Well, there's not much you can do I'm afraid. For once in you're like you're going to have to wait this one out."

_Maybe not,_ Hunter spoke up, making his presence known with a small burst of data that had Gina blinking rapidly as she processed the idea and he sent through to her. _A geth drop ship has been converted for organic use. It was intended for the quarian fleet, but I believe the Geth Consensus would allow us temporary use if you want to catch up to your shipmates on Thessia. Though it would mean that you would not have time to replace your skin weave. You would be … exposed._

She glanced down at her hands and slowly curled them into fists. She hated them, but they were still good hands. Still strong hands. Still _her_ hands.

_I don't care,_ she told him. _I'd rather go as I am and help them out, then stay here and find out that they died without me._ Even the thought sent a terrifying shot of panic through her, and she sensed the geth's approval as he opened a connection with the consensus in an overwhelming flash of noise and data.

_It is done._

Gina's eyes widened and she smiled, the grin blossoming over her face as she looked at Chakwas. "Actually Doc, it looks like I might _not_ have to sit this one out after all... ."

* * *

**A/N – The next chapter has Kaidan and Gina's reunion! :) Remember that reviews are always loved!**


	48. Chapter 48

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  ****  
>    
>    
> 

**A/N - Guys, I'm so sorry about the delay with this chapter. Some people who read my other fics and follow me on Tumblr know I have bursitis in my shoulder and it's significantly affected my ability to sit and write for long periods. I'm getting better, but chapters will be out a bit slower until I'm healed up. Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed my last chapter - I really appreciated your comments! Thankfully Kaidan and Gina are back together again now! Yay! (Art by TowardBlue on Tumblr!)**

* * *

Thessia was burning.

Smoke twisted high into the lavender sky, billowing in giant plumes that framed the destruction of the capital. The city itself seemed to flicker - first red, then orange, and finally blue; changing colour with reaper beams, weapons fire, and biotics. The buildings glowed and spewed flame as the asari defended their world as best they could. Fighting bravely and tenaciously. Fighting with their brains, their bodies, and their biotics.

But fighting in vain; _that_ much had been clear to Kaidan from the moment the Normandy arrived.

And now, as he huddled against the rubble of what remained of the Temple of Athame, watching harvesters rain down troops in seemingly endless fiery balls of flame, it was obvious that Thessia was on the cusp of falling. Not to mention that his mission on Thessia, something as simple as retrieving data from a temple, had been bungled when Kai Leng and Cerberus had shown up and things had gone completely to hell.

Kaidan squeezed his eyes shut as blood dripped down his face and he used the back of one hand to wipe it away, a faint tremor in his fingers the only hint of how shaken he was at having the temple come down around him. He and Jack had made it out, only to have the same Cerberus gunship that had shot out the temple support beams, pin them down with machine gun fire. Frustration surged through him; he _needed_ to get back inside the temple to stop Kai Leng!

"We can't take much more of this!" Jack bellowed, her _Barrier_ lighting up in a neon flare as the gunship started firing again in a deafening roar. "We need to take it out and find my students!"

"Forget the students!" Kaidan waited for a break in the fire to roll to her position, keeping low and tucking himself in behind what had once been a section of wall as a hail of bullets followed him. "We need to find Leng!"

"Are you mad?" she spat at him. "What happens if they're hurt?"

"I know!" he yelled back. "I'm worried about them too, but we have to stop Leng first. If he gets that data and gets away, then all of this was for nothing, and you know it! Besides, we can't do anything for the kids as long as that gunship is out there!"

Jack nodded and gritted her teeth. Kaidan could almost see the wheels in her head turning as she worked out that he was right. She hated it, but he _was_ right.

He had, foolishly in retrospect, allowed her to talk him into bringing the biotic students along on the mission as a support team. To their merit, they had stood their ground under pressure and proved their worth in the field, but they were still only teenagers, and when Kai Leng had appeared and the gun ship had started firing, he had lost them in the chaos. They, along with Liara, were somewhere in the rubble of the temple.

_Maybe the rubble is our way out of this?_

The thought flicked through his mind, quick as light, and Kaidan focused on some rubble nearby and risked a look at the gunship, calculating distances and judging how much biotic power it would take to _Throw_ something and hit them. It was risky, but Jack and he were powerful, and if they combined their biotics they might have enough power to take them out.

If they got lucky.

"I have an idea." Kaidan yelled over the roar of the guns, and nodded towards a large slab of temple rubble nearby. "If we combine our biotics, do you think we could hurl that at the gunship?"

Jack let out a bark of laughter that was almost lost to the noise of the ship. "Toss it? You and me? Of course we could, but whether we could _hit_ _it_ is another thing all together."

Her pessimism irked him, but he shook it off. "What else are we going to do? Sit here and hope they get bored and fly away? Come on, Jack; let's do this."

She rolled her eyes, but nodded and joined her biotics to his with a tingle that Kaidan felt down to his bones. Her power hummed through him and around him; boiling like an electrical storm waiting to discharge. It was thrilling to have so much power at his fingertips, and for a moment he wondered how she lived with the equivalent with a biotic loaded gun in her hands at all time. But of course Jack had lived with this power for her whole life; this was her version of normal.

"On three?" he asked.

She nodded and focused her power with a precision that sent shivers up Kaidan's spine; blue wisps dancing over their skin like ghostly blue flames. They concentrated their biotics and focused on the huge chunk of broken cement, using their hands and eyes to guide their biotics and cocoon the rubble in a powerful field. Cerberus continued to fire on them, and the bullets sent up clouds of dust and razor sharp chips of concrete which they ignored.

"Let's do this," Kaidan ordered. "One. Two. _Three._ "

On three he pushed forward with his power, ignoring the roaring drum of the machine gun and the acrid smell of burning metal as he and Jack scooped up the slab and flung it at the gun ship.

The concrete was heavy and it took everything he had to _Throw_ it. He grunted and his muscles strained with the effort of controlling his power. His amp burned at the base of his skull and a dull ache spread through his neck and shoulders; tension radiating through his body as his biotics burned and throbbed. Jack growled beside him and Kaidan was dimly aware of her curling her hands into fists as she threw enormous amounts of power at the rubble to move it.

And boy, did it move.

The chunk lurched upwards as if it had a rocket under it, glowing blue and trailing wisps as it tumbled end over end through the air. The pilot of the gunship didn't have had time to see it coming, and with a grating of stone on metal the chunk caught the underside of the ship; knocking the guns free and sending it careening through the air.

Kaidan held his breath as the engine let out a cloud of smoke and the pilot fought for control. It wavered in the air for a moment and then veered sideways behind the remains of the temple and out of the line of sight.

"Did we get it?" Jack panted.

Kaidan nodded. "Yeah. We took out the main guns, but we didn't destroy it. I think it's down but not out. We need to move fast." He got to his feet, his head spinning slightly from the biotic exertion.

" _Major?"_ Joker's voice came over the comm line and Kaidan winced as the tinny vibrations sent bolts of pain shooting behind his eyes. " _Do you copy me?"_

Evidently whatever they had done to the gunship had stopped them jamming the comms.

"I hear you."He waved for Jack to proceed while he hung back.

" _I have some good news and some not so good news for you. The good news is that you have a Geth drop ship incoming on your location and there's someone on board who I think you'll be glad to see."_

Joker's words took Kaidan by surprise, and a wave of relief and longing swept through him; the emotions so strong that he found himself lost for words. Tears prickled behind his eyelids and for a second, just a second, he had to close his eyes and breathe as he took in the news that she was on her way.

 _Gina_ was on her way.

He'd been so terrified that the worst might happen, that he might never see her again that he hadn't wanted to let himself think about this moment. Oh, he had dreamed of her return and had hoped for the best, but deep down in the darkest parts of his heart he'd been terrified that she wouldn't come back and that he would lose her again. Losing her once had almost killed him, if he'd lost her again-

The thought hung unfinished, and Kaidan drew in a deep breath and forced the thought away as he clung to the knowledge that Gina was okay and that she was on her way to him. "What's the bad news?" he asked.

" _The bad news is that we have a massive reaper contingent moving to our position. The Normandy won't be able to maintain a safe orbit for long. We need to evac you soon."_

"Shit!" Kaidan reeled around and headed for the remains of the temple, but pulled up short he heard scuffling sounds and several Cerberus soldiers appeared; evidently the gunship had landed safely and the troops planned to hold them off on foot. "I'll get back to you Joker. Evade them for as long as you can, but we're tangling with Cerberus down here and we still don't have the info we need."

Joker cursed fluently. " _Copy that, Major. We'll play cat and mouse with the reapers; you guys stay alive."_

"Oh, we will. Good luck, buddy." He cut the connection before the pilot could reply and focused on the enemy ahead.

The troops spread out in front of him, effectively cutting him off from Jack and the now clear sounds of biotic combat coming from inside of the temple; evidently, she had decided to take on Leng by herself. It was a stupid move, but she'd probably counted on him backing her up. Kaidan clenched his teeth and took cover again, counting six troops as he readied his rifle as activated his _Barrier_.

He let out a slow breath and prepared to fire on the first of the troopers; he would have to be fast if he wanted to make it to Jack before Leng did some serious damage to her. She may have been the strongest biotic he'd ever met, but in close quarter combat, Leng had already beaten all of them today, and he had a bad feeling about her going up against him alone.

He sighted down the barrel and tightened his finger on the trigger, watching as the trooper shouted orders to his comrades, when suddenly the sound of low thrumming engines filled the air. He drew back and watched the Cerberus troops glance up in confusion as a geth drop ship appeared through the smoke and haze; swooping down at an alarming speed and hovering over them. It was an imposing shape as it loomed over them, firing on and easily taking out a harvester which veered towards it.

The wave of heat and light as the harvester exploded was intense, and Kaidan shielded his eyes. When he looked up again, the hatch in the ship's belly had opened and he saw several geth drop free; plummeting at least twenty metres to the ground below. His eyes zipped over them as they stood up in a swirling cloud of ash and smoke, desperately searching for a familiar red stripe or N7 insignia. He recognised the black and grey shapes of Geth Primes, and the paler colour of geth hunters, and there, held securely in the arms of one of the primes, were the familiar colours of Shepard's armour.

"Gina!" Her name was on his lips even though the distance between them meant that she couldn't hear him, but in that moment it didn't matter. All that mattered was that Gina was _back_.

She was _here_.

* * *

"Listen up!" Gina shouted as the Prime that had held her for the terrifying drop put her down on the ground. Her legs felt more like jelly than metal, but she managed to find her feet and gestured towards the Cerberus troops who had frozen at their appearance as though unsure of what to do. "I want Cerberus neutralised and their shuttle grounded _permanently_."

The geth sounded an affirmative and spread out, readying weapons and communicating to each other in their digital clicks and noise which, thanks to Hunter, she understood to be them formulating a detailed plan at lightning speed. The sight of the huge primes lumbering towards them seemed to rally the Cerberus troops, and with shouts of alarm they dove for cover. The primes were an intimidating sight, and Gina used the distraction and chaos they caused to cloak and duck into the shadows, moving towards the temple as quickly as she could.

A flash of blue armour caught her eye, and she glimpsed Kaidan ahead as he joined the fight against Cerberus; his handsome face streaked with blood from injuries he'd sustained. The sight of him in combat was enough to send a dizzying rush through her body, and it was only with a concentration of iron will that she kept herself moving instead of running to his side. There would be time for reunions later, right now she had to find out what was going on inside of the temple.

Brutal fighting broke out as the geth and Cerberus soldiers clashed in an explosion of noise and gunfire, and Gina cursed as a biotic explosion rocked the temple and two figures emerged locked in combat. She recognised Jack and Kai Leng and she hurried in their direction as Jack blocked one of Leng's attacks with a strong Barrier, and then knocked him back with a Shockwave. Leng rounded on her straight away and came at her with his sword drawn, his movements a blur as he slashed and hacked; driving her backwards towards the Cerberus troops.

"Shit!"

Gina drew her handgun and sighed down the barrel, saying a quick prayer of thanks to Miranda as her artificial eyes sighted on Kai Leng and allowed her to easily target him despite his fast movements. She squeezed off two rounds and a warm feeling of satisfaction spread through her as both shots hit him; one in the head and one in the chest. His armour deflected most of the impact, but the force was enough to shatter his visor, distracting him and giving Jack a chance to put some much needed distance back between them.

Leng turned around with a snarl at the same moment that her tactical cloak flickered off, and Gina couldn't help but smile as his eyes met hers and a spear of recognition flashed through his gaze. He bared his teeth in a ugly smile and gathered his biotics as she stalked towards him, her own power crawling over her skin.

 _This is the one who killed your friend_? Hunter quizzed her, _The Cerberus assassin from the Citadel who was trying to kill the Councillors?_

 _Yes_ , Gina told him. _He killed Thane._

The memory of Thane's death dredged up long buried rage from deep inside of her; a fiercely burning anger that bloomed in her chest like molten lava and spread through her body, searing and biting. She wanted to smash Leng; to pound his face into a bloody pulp. He made her angry in a way that few other people ever had. He was so cocky, so smarmy, so smirky.

She may have only faced him in battle once, but she _hated_ him.

"Well, well," he drawled as she drew closer. "You're alive. I must admit I'm surprised; rumour had it that you were dead and your boyfriend was commanding the Normandy in your place."

"Rumour was wrong," Gina snapped, tightening her hold on her pistol as she dropped into a crouch and gathered her biotics. Her body ached where her synthetic limbs joined her organic flesh, but she ignored the pain. Miranda had warned her that using biotics could cause some feedback along her artificial limbs and to expect some discomfort. Pain she could deal with, especially if it meant a chance to take Leng out. Dimly, she wondered how he knew Kaidan was her boyfriend, and how many other people were aware of the fact.

The thought of Cerberus having that information made her uncomfortable.

 _I've analysed what I can of his synthetic upgrades. His palm blasters are much like your own but are of an inferior design. They are capable of generating a barrier which will stop most projectile attacks._ Hunter sounded vaguely amused. _Though a full strength biotic charge would get through it easily enough._

 _You don't say_.

Gina narrowed her eyes as Leng opened his mouth to continue speaking, but she ignored him and focused on Hunter.

_His omni-tool contains prothean data on the Catalyst, including a VI program called Vigil. I believe it may be this information which your team was trying to retrieve._

_And which he stole_. She wanted to spit at the operative, but she controlled herself as he brought his sword up and smirked at her.

"Too bad you didn't get here in time to get what you needed," Leng taunted, his voice mocking. "Though I should congratulate you; your team put up a better fight than we expected. I had to bring down most of the temple to get past them." His smile widened and considered her through narrowed eyes. "It's such a waste really, to lose so many talented biotic students. They would have made great Phantoms."

_The students were here?_

Gina clenched her teeth so hard that her jaw ached and against her better judgement her eyes slipped sideways to the crumbling remains of the temple. She felt the tingle of Kai Leng's biotics as he _Charged_ a moment before he vanished, and she reacted instantly, cloaking and rolling to the side as he rushed past her, smashing through the vacant air where she had been standing. She rolled to her feet in the same move, crouched and gathered her own energy, then sprung forward as she pushed off the ground and _Charged_ at him in return.

She slammed into Leng hard, but he was ready for her and only staggered back a few steps before he righted himself and came at her with his sword. The world narrowed down to the fight with Kai Leng, to deflecting his sword blows with her omni-blade getting in attacks of her own where she could. The fighting around her seemed to ebb and flow, and she detected other biotics fighting; the familiar hum of Kaidan's power almost enough to distract her again.

She dodged an especially savage thrust of Leng's sword and caught him off caught with a biotic kick to the leg, then followed it up with a palm blast to the face, his scream of pain as he reeled away and clutched his face music to her ears. She _Charged_ at him again, this time knocking his sword aside as she slammed him against a chunk of cement and hit him with a _Nova_ , the force of the biotic attack shattering the cement.

She heard the sharp crack of bones in his chest, the wet crackle of his breathing, but felt nothing but concept as he gasped and coughed up blood, wheezing as he slid to the ground and clutched at his chest. His grey eyes stared up at her hatefully as more blood oozed from his nose and ran down his face, dripping down his chin and splattering on his armour. Gina picked up his sword and met his eyes as she brought it down and rammed it through his chest, right through his shrivelled black heart; the blade sinking easily through armour, flesh and bone as it pinned him to the rubble.

"That was for Thane, you son of bitch," she hissed as he writhed momentarily and then went still, his eyes fluttering and staring sightlessly down at the ground.

She knelt and lifted his wrist, trying not to notice how warm his body was as she activated his omni-tool. _Hunter, can you get me this data?_

_Of course._

Gina sighed in relief as the geth began the download, and she finally took the time to look around. The Primes had made short work of the Cerberus troops, and one of the geth was even at the Cerberus shuttle and was accessing the drives and flight recorder. At the temple she could see Kaidan and Jack using their biotics to help who looked like Liara and several of the biotic students free from the rubble, and as though sensing her eyes on him, she saw Kaidan look over at her and raise a hand in greeting.

Hunter finished his download and she crossed the ground quickly to join them. Liara was wounded with a broken arm and concussion, and Jack had several deep slashes from Leng's sword, but the biotic twins appeared to be in reasonably good health. They both greeted her enthusiastically, if tiredly. Jack gave her a cursory greeting as she ducked back into the temple to continue to look for her last two missing students; Prangley and Rodriguez.

Gina had eyes only for Kaidan though, and her heart skipped a beat as he stepped away from the others and caught her to him. For a moment, he held her at arm's length, his golden eyes dark with emotion as he stared down at her, his mouth opening and closing as though he was trying to speak, then he let out a long sigh and crushed her close.

He didn't need to say anything.

She stepped into his arms without saying a word and wrapped her arms around him tightly, sinking into his embrace and burrowing her face against his neck. He smelled of smoke, blood and sweat, but underneath the scent of battle she could smell the familiar scent of _Kaidan_ ; of biotics and aftershave, and she breathed deep. God, she'd missed him. She'd missed his arms, his strength, his smile; every goddamned thing about him. He was her other half, and without him she'd felt incomplete.

She could have stayed in his arms forever, but Kaidan drew back and caught her face in his hands, his gaze searching hers as though looking for signs of the trauma he knew she'd been through. He looked down at her for a long moment, and opened his mouth as though to speak again, but his eyes teared up and he shook his head and instead kissed her instead, his lips teasing hers apart as the kiss deepened.

When he drew back the tears had gone from his eyes and he smiled at her, the corner of his mouth rising slightly as he traced the curve of her jaw.

"Hey stranger," Kaidan said softly. "It's good to have you back."

Gina smiled and went up on tiptoe to press a kiss to his lips again. "Hey love, it's good to be back."

There was so much she wanted to say to him; about how much she had missed him and about the changes that she'd gone through since she'd been gone. But the words stuck in her throat and she swallowed suddenly, unsure of how to tell him that beneath her armour her body was different to the one he remembered. She had tried not to think about it on the journey back, but Kaidan had never tried to hide how beautiful he had found her physically; what if he found her synthetic limbs repulsive?

Her chest tightened and Gina stepped back from Kaidan suddenly as the thought of him rejecting her sent a sudden surge of fear through her. She saw his look of confusion and tried to smile reassuringly, but before she could say anything there was a shout from inside of the temple, a yell that was part anger, pain and rage.

"Jack!" Gina realised, her eyes widening as she turned and rushed inside the temple with Kaidan at her side and the twins and Liara following close behind.

They found her near a collapsed column, her face pale as she sat on the ground with an arm around Prangley, the boy sobbing quietly as he tried to cover his face with blood stained hands. Jack looked up at them with hollow eyes and she shook her head quickly, indicating that it wasn't good news. Gina knew that look, and her stomach fell sickeningly even before Jack spoke.

"It's Rodriguez," she said quietly, her voice little more than a whisper. "Prangley found her; she's dead."

* * *

**A/N - Oh no. Poor Rodriguez. I don't think Jack and the students will take this loss well, nor will Gina and Kaidan. Though at least they are back together again. Thanks again for being so patient waiting for this chapter, and I hope you enjoyed it. And yes - I'm deviating even more from canon and killing Leng sooner rather than later! But there is a reason. Next chapter you get the fallout from Rodriguez's death and some proper Gina and Kaidan moments. Maybe even some gentle fluffy or sexy time.**


	49. Chapter 49

 

**A/N – Again, I'm very sorry about the lateness of this chapter. If you follow my other works or my Tumblr, you know that my house got destroyed just before Christmas in a freak storm and my life has been in turmoil ever since. I do have insurance and I'm fine – but … yeah. Things were intense for a while. I'm finally back on a proper writing schedule though.**

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed my last chapter. And to the people who are concerned about Gina's synthetic limbs, never fear – she does eventually get her skin weave! I hope you enjoy this ^_^ (The art at AO3 is by Marcheline2174 on Tumblr.)**

* * *

The Normandy hummed gently as she passed through the velvety black of space; almost completely silent except for the gentle thrumming of the engines. The sounds, so familiar and comforting, kept Gina company as she sat alone in her cabin, her stomach turning in knots as she waited for Kaidan. And waited. And waited. And waited. His heartbreak over the death of Rodriguez had been immediate and apparent, as had his self-recrimination. Jack hadn't helped, and the biotic had predictably piled the responsibility for her death at Kaidan's door, blaming him for slowing her down.

"We shouldn't have stayed outside cowering behind rubble!" she'd railed at him furiously, her biotics burning around her in a halo of dancing blue flames, her anger and pain raging out of control. "This is your fault!" Jack had almost screamed, jabbing a finger into his chest; causing Gina to hold her breath as she waited for Kaidan to react. "I could have saved her! _I could have saved her!"_

But she couldn't have, and some small part of Jack had known it.

Gina hadn't been there when the temple had come down and Cerberus had initially attacked them, but one glance at Rodriguez's broken body had been enough for her to see that the young woman had been crushed by a falling column when the roof collapsed. There was nothing anyone could have done for her, let alone Jack.

But Kaidan hadn't said that; he had taken Jack's wrath, all of it, until it had burnt itself out and she finally collapsed in on herself.

"This is my fault," she whispered finally. "God fucking dammit! She shouldn't have been down there! None of them should have; but I took them. I took them on this mission."

"We both did," Kaidan said eventually, and he stepped forward and placed a hand on Jack's shoulder. "But it wasn't our fault. We didn't kill her; Cerberus did."

Jack went silent for a time, her biotics flickering – with rage, pain or sorrow, Gina couldn't tell – then she looked up at him, her eyes burning with fury, and she did something which Gina had never seen her do before.

She started to cry.

With an angry sob, she burst into tears and jerked away from his touch. "I know that!" she hissed from between clenched teeth. "But it was my job to keep her safe! I _told her we'd keep her safe_. _Both of us_! And if you hadn't kept me outside … _maybe_ … _maybe …_ maybe I could have done something!"

And with that she whirled around and stalked away; furiously scrubbing at her face. James cast a look at Gina, his expression welcoming her back, then he followed hot on Jack's heels, a look of concern in his eyes. Gina half-expected Jack to fling him out of the elevator when he joined her, but to her surprise, she hadn't, and she caught a glimpse of the bulky marine taking the wiry biotic into his arms as the doors closed.

Evidently things had changed since she'd been gone.

Kaidan turned back to her looking exhausted, lines of grief etched into his face. "I have to do up a report for Hackett and the Council, and check in on Liara. I should see how her arm is doing and see if she's up to decoding the data we got back from Kai Leng." He dragged a hand down his face and sighed heavily. "I'm getting too old for this. Losing soldiers is never easy, but losing kids … ," he trailed off and shook his head.

"I know." Gina met his eyes and straightened, forcing herself to swallow down her own grief. "You take care of the reports; I'll take the bodies up to medbay for storage. There might be something we can learn from Leng's corpse, and he might have more data on his Omnitool-"

_"I'd exercise extreme caution, Shepard."_ EDI interrupted, her familiar voice piping through the speakers. _"Knowing Cerberus, it is likely that Leng's data files are corrupted or that he carried encrypted files designed to destroy any systems trying to open them."_

Kaidan cursed and Gina aimed a frustrated kick at a nearby control panel. EDI was right; that was exactly the kind of thing Cerberus would do.

"Damn!" she muttered, frowning. "Can you decrypt them, EDI?"

_"I believe so."_ The AI sounded confident. " _The console in Liara's room is best equipped to handle the volume of data you received. Input it there and I will isolate the terminal and begin."_

Kaidan groaned and rubbed his eyes. "I didn't even think about that. Shit. I could have put the Normandy in danger." He opened his eyes and focused on her, lifting a hand and gently tracing a finger along her jaw. "I wish you'd come back to me under different circumstances, Gi. There's so much I want to say to you but with everything that happened, with Cerberus, Leng, and Rodriguez-"

"I know." Gina took both his hands in hers and squeezed them to show she understood. "You do your report and I'll handle this. There will be time for us later."

She leaned in and kissed him, the weariness and sadness of the day beating against her heavily. Hunter was strangely quiet in her head, though she felt him there, the constant pressure of his presence like background noise that she was learning to tune out. They broke apart slowly, their hands lingering on one another's bodies as though reluctant to let each other go now that they had each other in their grip again.

But they did let go, and the next few hours were a blur of prothean data, reunions with the crew, and helping Chakwas as she conducted an autopsy on Leng's body. It was helping the good Doctor with Leng that had finally undid Gina, as once they removed his armour it became clear that Leng, like herself, was part synthetic.

She had stared, horrified, as Chakwas peeled back his armour to reveal legs that were almost entirely synthetic. The machine parts looked similar in style to EDI's, and they stretched to his hips where angry red scar tissue connected them to his body. Chakwas sucked in a surprised breath when she saw them, and immediately scanned the limbs with her Omnitool, declaring that the legs had only been attached to him within the year, not long before the reaper war started.

"Horrible what people will do to themselves, isn't it?" Chakwas commented as they continued to work.

Gina said nothing, but her own limbs felt heavy and conspicuous, and she wished she had a skin weave to cover them up.

Further exploration showed that Leng had more cybernetic implants within his body, as well as palm blasters which had been embedded into his hands to emit small biotic-fields, and neuro-attachments that let his visor feed information directly to his brain.

It was hideous to see, and the longer they had worked over his body, the more Gina had felt as though she were looking into a twisted mirror showing a potential version of herself. She didn't want to look like Leng; with a mangled body that looked like a mad scientist had been slicing away at him. It had all been too much, and with a sick feeling building in her stomach she'd made her excuses and left Chakwas to her job.

Her first thought had been to find Kaidan, but then she remembered that Kaidan hadn't seen what she looked like under her armour, so she hurried up to the captain's cabin instead and showered away the muck and blood from the day - some of it Leng's - and sat on her bed shivering.

How long she'd been setting here waiting, she had no idea, but she couldn't seem to shake the vision of Leng lying on that slab from her mind.

Part human.

Part synthetic.

But monstrous.

_So monstrous._

He looked like a Frankenstein's monster lying down there in medbay; more like a cobbled together creature than a human being. Worse, it made her acutely aware that under her own clothes she looked _worse_ than he did; her skin had scars just as red and angry where her limbs met her body. Looking at Leng had turned her stomach, and if she felt this way looking at him - _a stranger_ \- then how would Kaidan feel when he saw what she looked like?

_Please let him understand,_ she begged silently. _Please_.

Gina shifted on the bed and huddled into the hoodie she was wearing; picking at a stray thread on her sweatpants. She dreaded Kaidan's reaction to seeing what she looked like beneath her clothes. Would he be horrified? The thought of seeing him flinch away from her, of seeing revulsion in his eyes, was almost too much, and the urge to run coursed through her. She knew how awful she looked; how inhuman the cold hard metal looked where it met the angry scarred flesh of her body.

_You could have stayed on Rannoch,_ Hunter piped up, his voice echoing in her head. _They may not have survived Thessia and they would have lost the data, but you could have stayed to have the skin weave put on if it meant so much to you._

"I couldn't have waited," she told him, pulling her knees to her chest and linking her arms around her legs. Irritation flared at the cold way he suggested prioritising herself over the people she loved. "I lost a friend as it was."

The geth waited a beat in her head, and she sensed a warmth from him, as though he were pleased with her response. " _Then do not dwell on it. You cannot change what happened and your actions saved lives. It is only skin. Only flesh. You are more than just your body. I should know._ "

Gina sighed and flexed her hands. "I know that. Logically, I _know_ that. But I am made of flesh and blood, and my body is important to me. It's important to Kaidan." She dropped her head to her knees, the steel of her kneecaps was hard against her forehead. "I know I'm over thinking this, but ... I'm scared, Hunter."

She sensed something from him that felt like emotion; like pity. " _I know_. _You are more frightened of what your partner will think of your body then you were of fighting Cerberus on Thessia. You are a curious human, Shepard Commander_ , _I will give you privacy when you speak to your partner."_

The sound of the door to the room opening pulled her from her self-loathing, and her head rose sharply, heart pounding as Kaidan came through the door. He looked like hell, but he smiled when he saw her despite the lines of fatigue and grief that were still etched into his face.

"God, I've missed that," he said quietly as the door whirred closed behind him.

Gina uncurled and sat up. "Missed what?"

"You being here." Kaidan had shed most of his armour in the cargo bay, but he pulled off his grieves and dropped them to the ground as he crossed the room to her. "I missed you so much. It was hell not knowing what was happening to you and having to pretend everything was okay." His eyes were pained as he hesitated in front of her, his under armour streaked with dried sweat and darker splashes of blood. "This wasn't the welcome home I wanted to give you. Losing Rodriguez-"

He cut himself off with a shake of his head and sank down in front of her, his eyes blurred with tears as he rested his head in her lap. Gina wrapped her arms around Kaidan and held him while his shoulders shook with silent sobs, his grief for the young lady obvious. She had been so young, so talented, and with so much life ahead of her.

Rodriguez had been the natural leader of the Grissom students too; quietly competent and with near perfect control over her powers despite her youth. A swell of sadness welled up, and Gina bit her tongue to stop herself from crying as she remembered all the times she'd had come along on missions, always somehow overshadowed by Prangley even though she was the one who kept him in line.

"She was a lovely young lady. She'll be missed," Gina said eventually, her voice thick with emotion.

Kaidan sighed and rubbed his forehead against her thigh. "I helped Jack send a message to Kaylee Sanders. We're not sure if Rodriguez even has even family left, but if she does, Sanders will get word to them about what happened." He drew in a shuddering breath and looked up at her, seeming to realise how tightly he was clutching her and seeing the grimy streaks he had left on her sweats. "God, I'm sorry. I'm such a mess. It's just … I've lost people before, but never anyone so young."

Gina nodded. "I know, it's hard." She ran a hand through his hair, which was stiff with sweat and dust. "You should have a shower; it'll help clear your mind."

He slowly got to his feet, a tired smile playing around the edges of his handsome mouth. "Is that a polite way of telling me I'm filthy and I stink?"

"Maybe," she wanted to return his smile, but Kaidan chose that moment to take her hand and he froze as his fingers closed about her exposed metal hand.

Gina's heart pounded.

For a long moment, he said nothing as he looked into her eyes, his face pale as his hand squeezed hers. The humour faded from his face and he drew in a long breath and swallowed. "I never even though to ask," he said quietly, his eyes boring into hers. "I was just so glad to see you that I never even though about what they must have done-"

A buzzing sound filled her ears, drowning out his words, and she swallowed hard as blood pounded through her head. _Would he notice that her eyes were artificial?_ She wondered as he continued to gaze down at her, his mouth moving as though this was an ordinary conversation. Slowly the buzzing faded and sound returned, and Kaidan dropped his gaze to their entwined hands, his eyes reluctant. He sucked in a breath at what he saw.

"Gina ... my God." He raised her hand up and examined it closely. She felt naked, _exposed_ , and it took everything inside of her not to rip her hand out of his hold and hide it behind her back.

But Kaidan was gentle as he ran fingers over her hand, touching the metallic casing and stroking her palm with loving hands. And he _was_ loving. The look on his face was agonised, almost heartbroken as he examined her, but there wasn't any disgust in his eyes as she'd feared. He let her hand go and gestured at the zipper of her hoodie, his expression carefully neutral as he held her gaze.

"May I?"

Gina drew in a shaky breath and swallowed hard. "Are you sure you don't want to wait? It's not pretty."

But Kaidan took her hand in his again and raised it to his mouth, kissing it gently. She could feel the pressure of his lips on her 'hand', could sense the warmth of his lips, and her breath escaped her in a small sigh as he smiled slightly.

"You're beautiful to me no matter what," he said softly, squeezing her hand again and letting it fall back to her side. "And I want to see." Kaidan rubbed his eyes tiredly. "I need to see. Not seeing and having to imagine what they did to save your life will be worse, you know?"

She nodded and unzipped her hoodie, shrugging it from her shoulders and letting it fall to the bed. The singlet top she had worn expressly for this purpose didn't hide anything from Kaidan's eyes, and she flinched as he sucked in a breath and flinched at the sight of her synthetic limbs.

"No!" Kaidan's hands shot out to grab her upper arms when she started to step back. "No, I'm not ... it's a shock that's all. They told me they'd have to remove ... ." He couldn't seem to finish and he let go of her, clenching his hands and jiggling his arms in agitation. "They told me what they'd have to do. I just ... it must have been so horrible for you." His eyes were wet with tears and he shook his head as he stepped forward and pulled her into his embrace, wrapping her tightly in his arms and burying his face against her neck. "I'm so sorry that I wasn't there with you. I should have been there to help you through this."

Guilt riddled his tone, and with a start, Gina realised that Kaidan wasn't horrified by what she looked like; he was _guilty_ that he hadn't been able to be there for her. Kaidan was guilty that she'd gone through something terrible without him, and that she'd had to face adversity alone. She sagged into his arms, tears prickling her eyes as she realised how foolish she had been to worry about him finding her ugly or physically repulsive.

"I'm okay," she told him, stroking his back gently. "I'm okay."

He quietly nodded, his tears wet against her neck. "I know ... but ... what else is there?" Kaidan drew back, examining her face, his expression endlessly sad. "Your legs?"

"My eyes, arms, and most of my legs," she said quietly. "They were going to cover me with a skin weave so I looked normal, but when word came that the Normandy was going to Thessia I left early." He made a guilty sound and she forced a small smile, though she knew it wasn't reaching her eyes. "It's okay. It's ... just skin. Just flesh. I'm more than just my body."

The ghost of something that could have been Hunter flickered through her head briefly and was gone, and she shot a thankful burst after him.

Kaidan kissed her suddenly; the press of his mouth managing to be fiercely loving and incredibly hungry at the same time. "You're the most incredible woman I've ever met," he told her, breaking the kiss. "And I meant what I said; you're beautiful to me no matter what."

Gina paused, Hunter's brief presence having reminded her that she still needed to tell Kaidan about him too. "There is one more thing," she said slowly, her gut tightening with nerves. "There's Hunter. My geth."

"Your geth," Kaidan repeated, his eyes wandering over her face. He drew in a breath and seemed to consider her. "I knew they would be uploading a geth program into you, but … I wasn't sure what it would mean for you."

She struggled to find the words, but there was no flowery way to tell someone that you had another person inside of your mind.

"It's hard to describe, but it's a little bit like having another person crammed into your head. Only he isn't exactly overwhelming. In fact, he's downright polite-"

"He?" Kaidan's eyebrows shot up and his mouth quirked.

"He." Gina nodded and a little of the tension eased. "I call him Hunter. It's … God, I don't even know how to describe it to you. He isn't inside of my head talking all the time, it's not like I have two personalities or something, but I can feel him inside of me. He helped keep me sane on Rannoch during all the operations and during my recovery. I owe him big time."

Kaidan shifted slightly and frowned as though something had occurred to him. "Can he see me right now? Can he hear us?"

He looked decidedly nonplussed at the idea, and it almost made her smile. She and Kaidan had always been very open about their sexual needs and preferences, and neither of them had a voyeuristic streak. She could almost see the wheels turning in his head, could see him imagining a geth watching them in bed together, watching their most intimate moments, and listening in on all their private conversations.

It was too much for her, and for the first time since seeing Kaidan on Thessia, she smiled properly. "No," she told Kaidan, still grinning at the thought of Hunter spying on them. "He's can't see or hear through my senses unless I let him tap in, which," Gina added, "I usually do. But not right now. I needed to be alone with you tonight with no voices in my head."

A relieved expression crossed his face. "Thank goodness," he murmured as he reached up and cupped her cheek. "I mean, I'm relieved that he's keeping you alive, I'm _grateful_ , but you're still my girl and I'm a selfish bastard who's going to want you all to himself sometimes."

Gina went to Kaidan then; she melted into his arms and their bodies came together like two pieces of a puzzle as their mouths met. Kaidan kissed her like he was trying to climb inside of her, a fiercely hungry kiss than bowed her backwards so that she was forced to cling tightly as his tongue swirled around hers and his teeth nipped lightly at her lower lip. There was such _need_ in that kiss, such _loneliness_ , that Gina's eyes prickled with tears and wrapped her legs around his waist.

Kaidan grunted softly and stood up without warning, one arm scooping under her ass to hold her steady against him and the other sliding up her back to hold her close as he deepened the kiss. He didn't stop touching, kissing, or holding her for one moment as he walked towards the bathroom, didn't hesitate as he set her down and undressed her with hands that were steady and sure, and he didn't pause at all as he peeled off his under armour and started the warm spray of water.

For a moment, Gina felt more naked than she ever had in her life as Kaidan's eyes rover over her body, taking in her synthetic limbs and all her new scars, but then he smiled and kissed her, and the moment passed. He pulled her into the shower and let his hands explore her body, not hesitating or shying away from touching her artificial limbs, though his eyes flicked to hers to check her comfort levels as he ran careful fingers over her scars.

"You're so brave," he told her huskily, his hands sweeping down her body. "And I'm so lucky to have you back with me. When I think of what could have happened-" he cut himself off and pulled her into a crushing embrace.

"Don't think about it," she said soothingly as she rested her head on his shoulder, running her hands through his hair as the water beat down on them. "I'm fine, and I'm back with you. Stronger than ever."

He nodded and slowly loosened his hold, catching her face in his hands and raining kisses down on her face. His lips moved along the curve of her cheek, and teasingly he brushed his mouth down the line of her throat; biting lightly where he knew she liked best. Gina gasped, swaying lightly and catching hold of his forearms as her legs trembled. Kaidan chuckled in a low base rumble, then he continued his gentle kisses down one arm, never hesitating as he kissed the angry scars and along the metal of her arm all the way to her finger tips. He looked up, eyes meeting hers as he repeated the treatment on her other arm; his gaze intense and loving.

Gina sniffed, her eyes watering as he knelt before her, his dark hair plastered to his face as he kissed his way down her belly, dipping his tongue into her belly button and then licking along the hollow of one hip. Kaidan began to kiss his way down her thighs, and again there was no hesitation as he gently touched and kissed the scars on her legs and followed the angry tissue down to where it met her synthetics. He ran hands down both her legs, exploring the curves and lines of the metal casing, placing kisses every few inches until he sprung up without warning and swept Gina back into his arms.

"You are," he announced as he fumbled for the water and switched it off, "without a doubt, the sexiest woman alive." Kaidan picked her up into his arms, princess style, and carried her out of the bathroom towards the bed.

Gina rolled her eyes, but she felt lighter, happier than she had in weeks. "I doubt that-"

He shushed her. "I realised, as I was kissing your legs, that your synthetics make you look like you're wearing gloves and black stockings." He placed her, soaking wet, on the bed and crawled up her body, pinning her between his muscled arms and smiling down at her devilishly. "So like I said, you're sexy."

She opened her mouth to say that she very clearly _wasn't_ wearing anything of the sort, but Kaidan kissed her before she could get a word out, and next thing she knew he'd rolled her so that she was on top of him, straddling his midsection. She could feel his erection brushing against her and, faced with the proof of his arousal and evident physical attraction, her words died on her tongue and melted away.

"You're mad," Gina told him as she broke the kiss, but she couldn't help smiling and wiggling on his lap. "But it's good to be home."

His eyes flared blue as he clasped her waist and dug his fingers into her skin slightly, holding her to him with just enough force that she shivered with anticipation. "I'm glad to hear you say that, Gi. Because I'm _very_ glad to have you back too, and I'm planning on spending the next few hours showing you just how much I missed you."

* * *

**A/N – Aaw, they're so cute together. Well, we're about to plunge headlong into canon divergent territory! Hopefully you guys enjoy my alternate Horizon chapter coming up! ;) Remember to drop me a review - they are always loved!**


	50. Chapter 50

_A/N – I can't apologise enough for not updating this fic in so many months. All I can say is that I got swept up in Mass Effect Andromeda and no matter how much I tried to sit down and write Distance, Gina and Kaidan wouldn't speak to me. If you're still reading this and didn't give up on me, then thank you. If you're wondering what on Earth I'm talking about … well … I'm mostly writing at AO3 now, and that's where my Andromeda stories are._

_Thank you to everyone who has stuck by this fic, I really appreciate it and I hope you enjoy this chapter._

* * *

 

"Horizon."

The word fell from Gina's lips like a rock into a pool of cool, deep water. Heavy. Solid. Laden with the weight of everything that had come before. A prickle of awareness spread over her skin and she fought not to look at Kaidan as she remembered the last time they had been on Horizon. The hurt. The anger. The betrayal. All that awful bitterness she had felt as he walked away.

She firmly closed down that line of thought; it belonged in the past.

"We're sure that's where Kai Leng was heading?" She leaned on the console and glanced at Traynor. "There's no doubt?"

"None." The comms officer stood a little straighter under the scrutiny, her shoulders broadening as though assuming the weight of this decision. "There isn't anywhere else in that system where he could possibly go."

It was Liara who frowned first, her gentle blue eyes narrowing as she leaned over the flashing lights of the war table, looking at various points and exhaling sharply. "But Horizon is supposed to be a safe haven for refugees. Why would Kai Leng have planned to go there?"

"Why indeed?" Gina wondered out loud, her tone making it clear that she didn't think it could be for any good reason. Her gaze locked with Kaidan's as she glanced at him, he looked worried too. "Good work," she told them as she tore her eyes away from him. "Lay in a course. I want to know what Cerberus is up to on that planet."

Traynor snapped off a jaunty salute. "Right away, ma'am." She whirled and left the room, Joker following close behind, ready to lay in a course and make the jump.

Those left in the War Room looked expectantly at Gina, who turned her gaze in turn to EDI. "Have we discovered anything from the Prothean Data we recovered?"

"Yes," the AI nodded and brought up a display of swirling Prothean symbols that meant nothing to Gina. "Much of it is encrypted, but it appears to be plans for the Catalyst, as we expected. I have managed to decrypt some of it, and I have been feeding it to the Alliance scientist teams, but there are still parts of the plans which are eluding me."

Kaidan sighed and rubbed his eyes. "So it was all for nothing? That poor kid died for  _useless_  encrypted data?"

Gina's heart squeezed, aching at how deeply he felt the loss of Rodriguez.

"Until I can finish breaking the encryption we cannot build the Catalyst," EDI confirmed, and her heart sank further. Then the AI smiled, and her eyes twinkled in a very human way. "But I am confidant that the encrypted files will not stay encrypted for long. Do not worry, Major. No death in this war will have been in vain, except perhaps, for Kai Leng's."

Kaidan chuckled and reached over to clasp EDI on the shoulder. "Thanks, keep at it."

Gina dismissed the meeting and watched as her crew filed out, taking note of the slumped shoulders and the weary expressions. Everyone looked exhausted, ready to fall at any moment. Perhaps it was time to finally give in to Joker's pleas to dry dock the Normandy for what he claimed were  _urgently needed repairs_ , and, while they were grounded, EDI could finish her decryption and the crew could get some much needed shore leave.

 _ _And maybe I can visit Huerta?__ A small voice deep inside of her spoke up hesitantly.  _ _Maybe I can see someone about covering up this metal? At least then I might look human, even if I don't feel it any more.__

Human felt like an alien concept these days, far away and long ago. How many years had it been since she had been whole and human? Flesh and blood instead of metal and synthetic parts? Kaidan helped. He made her feel like the same woman he had fallen in love with. When she was with him it felt as though no time had passed, as though she were still on the SR1 and falling in love for the first time.

 _And if we took some leave_ , Gina though slyly,  _maybe we could get away for a time; just the two of us_.

She smiled as she remembered their secret dates on the Citadel long ago; holding hands under the table in their favourite coffee shop. Sharing breathless kisses in the back of cabs on the way to hotel rooms. And seemingly endless nights spent wrapped in each others arms, the world outside forgotten as they found each other in the tingling rush of biotic release, and darker more exciting nights of pleasure and pain.

God, was it any wonder she'd fallen so deeply in love with him?

Gina blinked as Kaidan touched her hand to get her attention, and they headed down to the shuttle bay without speaking, a weighty silence hanging over them. She pinged Liara on her Omni-tool and requested she join them on the mission. They'd need someone they could trust with them on this, someone with biotics who would have their backs against whatever they might find down there. Leng might have been killed but that didn't mean that Cerberus wouldn't have more surprises waiting for them.

"What do you think?" Kaidan asked as the elevator sped the downwards. He leaned against the wall, his uniform pulling tight against his chest. "Would Cerberus have opened their doors to refugees?"

Gina laughed and shook her head, a bitter anger stirring inside of her. "Hell no. Anything involving Cerberus is rotten, and we're not going to find anything good down there." Something like ice slid down her spine at the thought of what Cerberus had done to Jack. "I hate to think what they've done to those people.  _Families_  went there, Kaidan.  _ _Children__."

"But they wouldn't-"

She shook her head. "They  _would_. Think about what happened to you at BaaT, and now think about what a company like Cerberus would do. They wouldn't hesitate to hurt children."

She felt sick, and wrung her hands together, the metal grinding with a sicking sound that made her feel worse.

"Hey, it'll be okay." Kaidan caught her hands in his and squeezed them, the pressure reassuring. "Whatever they're up to, we'll help the refugees. We'll save them."

She nodded as the elevator pinged and opened. Kaidan's steadfast belief was reassuring, but he had always looked on the bright side of situations. Once upon a time she had too, but lately … .

Gina paused and watched as Kaidan begin to gear up. When had she become so jaded? Had it been when she'd suffocated above Alchera? When she'd watched Eva almost beat Kaidan to death on Mars? When the Reaper virus has taken her arms and legs?

How much more would she have to lose in this war? How much more would she have to endure? How many more horrors would she have to see other people suffer before everything could be brought to an end?

She sighed heavily and Kaidan threw a quizzical glance over his shoulder as he finished zipping up his under-armour. "Everything okay, Rosie?"

His nickname made her smile, made her think of the rose tattoo he had, and instantly she felt lighter, softer, and somehow more human again. The clouds lifted a little. "Yeah." She walked forward and joined him. "Yeah, everything's okay. I think maybe it's time I put the Normandy in for repairs and gave us all some shore leave. It feels wrong when a war is on, but everyone is exhausted."

_Including me. I've only been back for one mission, but I feel like I've been fighting forever._

Kaidan brightened. "Oh, thank God!"

" _Thank God_?" Gina raised her eyebrows, "What exactly does that mean, Mister Alenko?"

"Joker's been bugging me to talk to you about it since you came back. Cortez too. Everyone is red-lining. They need a break." He grinned. "We're not all lucky enough to have as many artificial parts as you."

She spluttered. "Are you ... are you making fun of me?"

He laughed and pulled her to him, his eyes slipping down her body as he hauled her close. "Damn right I am. And I'll do more than that if I get a chance to get you alone."

Gina's splutters turned to laughter and she shook her head. "You  _ _really__ need to practice your flirting! That was terrible!"

"Well then," Kaidan caught her hand and playfully tugged her towards the armoury. "Good thing we're getting some shore leave; I can get all the practice I need!"

 _ _Hopefully__ _,_ she thought to herself as she returned his smile, _ _things were starting to look up for them all.__

* * *

 

Things were  _ _not__ looking up.

In fact, as Gina stared around the horror that was Sanctuary, she couldn't imagine things ever looking up for anyone ever again.

"This is monstrous," Kaidan's voice cracked as he stood with one gloved-hand pressed against the window of the Cerberus facility, watching husks crawl over the equipment inside the room like so many pale spiders. "This is ...," he drew in a shaky breath, "I can't believe that anyone, even Cerberus, is capable of  _this_. How could they?"

Gina couldn't think of anything to say. Her brain had locked up in horror when the truth of Sanctuary began to unravel and she'd realised the entire facility was one giant processing plant. Designed for ...  _for what?_  Cerberus wanted to control the reapers and were using all these people as test subjects? As slaves? Bile rose in her throat as she thought of all the Cerberus troops she had killed, of their glowing blue eyes and husk-like faces. Had they been slaves? Innocents forced into Cerberus uniforms and made to fight?

 _ _I had to kill them,__ she reasoned desperately, forcing the horrible guilt back down again.  _ _It was me or them. I had to.__

Her eyes skittered over several chambers where the refugees had been held and gassed by whatever agent the scientists used to change them into monsters. She kept her eyes from focusing on them too long when when she saw the green tinged outlines of several dead bodies inside. Some of them very small indeed. Small enough to be young children. Rage rose through her, molten hot,  _burning_ , and her hands shook as she curled them into fists.

Cerberus would pay.

From the moment they'd landed, it had been clear that something was wrong here and that Sanctuary was not what it seemed. Gina hadn't been surprised to find Reapers here, since reapers seemed to be everywhere these days, but the presence of Miranda and the news that her father was in charge of the facility  _had_  thrown her. Even more disconcerting were Miranda's recorded messages telling refugees to leave while they could; to turn around and get out.

Gina had soon learned why: Cerberus had found a way to change people into husks, and any poor innocent who came to Sanctuary seeking refuge got far more than they bargained for.

Hate burned inside her, brighter and stronger than anything she'd felt in a long time. It consumed her, and almost drowned out logical thought. She could well understand why people killed in fits of passion while this kind of hate and fury was boiling away.

Beside her, Liara's biotics hummed dangerously against her skin, and her blue eyes glimmered with furious tears. "Whole families," she whispered. "They didn't care who they did this; species and age meant nothing. They used them all. Tortured and maimed them. Killed them. Made them into these …  _ _things__."

"They're evil." Gina felt the metal of her hands creak from the force of her clenched fists and she eased back. "We need to find Miranda and help put a stop to this."

"Agreed." Kaidan turned to face her, his biotics dangerously quiet as his eyes glowed with emotions. "Cerberus has to be held accountable."

As her eyes met Kaidan's they shared a moment of understanding; Cerberus had to be destroyed. Right now, they were almost more dangerous than the reapers. They were a disease destroying humanity from the inside out. Insidious. Rotting. A virus attacking humanity and forcing them to turn on themselves; to divide their focus when they should have been focusing all of their efforts on defeating the reapers.

Cerberus were despicable.

They set off again, following the trail of carnage that Miranda had left in her path. Gina could feel the anger of her companions pulsing against her as they pushed forward, and any reaper troops they came across felt their wrath. Husks were thrown into walls so hard they burst like overripe melons; their skins splitting and entrails and blood exploding outwards. Even brutes and banshees didn't seem so scary when the three of them were vibrating with rage, and the beasts were worn down from relentless biotic attacks,  _charges, novas, reaves, and singularities_ , until even they fell before them.

Their anger drove them forward on a wave of righteous fury and indignation. Each terminal they found divulging more information and increasing their disgust and fury. The utter contempt with which Cerberus had treated the refugees, and the carelessness with which they treated survivors or patients who made it through their tests made them sick. They cared only about controlling the reapers. The regular people,  _the innocent victims_ , were seen a resource or a hindrance rather than as people worthy of respect.

When they finally found Miranda and her father, it was over quickly.

Henry Lawson had been only too happy to admit what he had done; using the innocent refugees as test subjects. He'd been so certain that he would be able to get away, secure in the knowledge that he had Oriana, Miranda's younger sister as a hostage, and that they wouldn't risk her life. He focused solely on Shepard and her team when she appeared, and momentarily forgot about the presence of his own daughter; a deadly mistake.

None of them mourned him after Miranda used her powers to flick him out a plate glass window. He plunged to his death with a loud squeal, his body swallowed up by a swarm of husks who waited below; ironically torn to bits by the refugees who he himself had helped turn into monsters. Gina watched the writhing mass of grey bodies and glowing blues eyes seething below her as his screams faded away and repressed a shiver.

_She had almost been like these people._

_If Legion hadn't come up with his plan, if Hunter hadn't stepped up to help her ..._

"That man," Kaidan said softly. "How could he have done those things to these people?"

Miranda looked over as she held her sister close, rocking the traumatised young woman slowly. "Because he doesn't see them as people, not real people. Everyone is just a test subject to him, a lesser being, _a_ _ _thing__." Her voice dripped with scorn and she pushed her long dark hair out of her face, blood dripping down her cheek from a cut above one eye. "I suspected he was up to something, but I never dreamed he'd go this far. I never thought he would do this to so many people." Her hands squeezed into fists and she shook her head. "It's despicable, and dragging Oriana into this mess-"

"I'm okay, Miri." Her younger sister smiled faintly. "I'm just glad you found me. I was trying to get a message out and warn people, but father-"

Miranda nodded. "I know what he's like, it's okay."

They embraced, and Gina turned to face Liara and Kaidan, giving them their moment. "We should recover as much data as we can, maybe something he did here will be useful for the Alliance, might help them recover indoctrinated people on Earth somehow. It's a long shot, but ... ," she trailed off and shrugged, her eyes lingering on the body of a woman who lay on an operating table nearby, her limbs twisted with husk rot.

It was like looking into a mirror of herself from a few months back, and she shivered.

"I'll handle it with Glyph, Shepard." Liara reached out to place a warm hand on her arm, feeling so familiar and gentle that Shepard instantly felt better. "Seeing this can't be easy."

Gina shook her head. "Thanks Liara, I'm no tech head, and we all know what happened the last time I tried to gather data about indoctrination and the reapers." Gina grimaced. "I'd prefer not to repeat that mistake.

Hunter stirred in her mind, and she felt his amusement at her concern.  _ _Shepard, I would easily stop any further infection from happening. I suspect you wish to get out of here because it reminds you of what might have happened, is that correct?__

Gina grimaced, sometimes that geth was far too clever for his own good.  _ _Yeah, Hunter. That's part of it.__

"If you're happy to hang back, I'll take you up on it," she confirmed with Liara, and when the asari nodded, she turned to Miranda. "Do you need a ride back to the Citadel?"

"No," Miranda shook her head. "I think Ori and I are going to disappear for a while. We'll take one of my father's ships and I'll find her a safe place. That is, if there are any left with the reapers causing havoc." Her blue eyes flashed. "If you need me, you know how to get in touch, Shepard." She stepped forward and embraced Gina quickly, her arms winding tightly around her body. "I'm not sure what you're up to, but good luck."

She nodded. "Thanks." Then she turned to Kaidan. "Let's get back to the Normandy, I have a feeling that Hackett is going to want to know about this."

"Yeah, another nail in Cerberus' proverbial coffin." He agreed, and he cast a final, hate filled look around the facility. "Monsters."

Gina's eyes lingered on the woman again, her body half-transformed into a husk, and then forced herself to leave. In the end, everyone who had come to Horizon had become a monster, whether or not they had come seeking Sanctuary. The refugees had become unwilling monsters, and the people who had performed the nightmarish experiments were even worse. Her stomach turned, and Gina fought to hold down the contents of her stomach.

Neither of them spoke much on the way back to the ship, though they sat close together, their legs pressed tight, and holding hands. Gina couldn't think of any words to express how she felt; the disgust at seeing what Cerberus had done, and the lingering relief that  _ _she__ hadn't ended up like that. Possibly Kaidan had similar thoughts as once or twice he squeezed her hand hard, and she caught him staring down at their entwined fingers, his eyes lingering on her artificial hand.

Back on the Normandy, she sat down to write her report while everything was fresh in her mind, recounting what she'd found in excruciating detail. She sent a copy of her report to Hackett when she was finished, then duplicated it for the Citadel Council, who she felt sure would be interested in what had happened.

Finally finished, she sat back and stretched, then stripped off and headed for the shower. She felt dirty in a way that had more to do with everything she'd seen and felt today, then it did with the sweat and gore stuck to her body. The hot spray hit her in a searing wave, and she sighed with pleasure as she let the water cascade down her body, washing the filth off.

"Gina?" She heard Kaidan's voice, and with a regretful sigh that her shower was over so soon, she shut the water off, squeezing the excess water out of her short red hair.

"In here." She wrapped a towel around herself and popped her head out of the door. "Just scrubbing the smell of husk and betrayal out of my hair."

Kaidan half-grimaced and half-laughed. "Ah, the new scent by Cerberus."

She grinned and finished dressing, pulling on some loose fitting casual clothes, and stepped out, towelling her hair try. "Is Liara back yet?"

"Yep," Kaidan nodded. "And Joker wants permission to set a course for the Citadel for some R&R as soon as possible. After what happened today I think it's a good idea. I need to do something to forget everything I saw. I need-" he broke off, his eyes haunted. "I need to get the sight of those tiny little bodies out of my head."

Gina crossed the room and took Kaidan in her arms, holding him close. He engulfed her in a hug, his body so much larger than hers; taller, broader, more thickly muscled, and with so much biotic power it took her breath away. But in that moment he felt fragile; in that moment, he needed to be held.

"EDI," she said loudly into the comm as folded Kaidan against her. "Have Joker set a course for the Citadel, and arrange to have the Normandy put into dry dock for repairs, and for the crew to have shore leave?"

EDI gave her a quiet affirmative, then silence fell as the comms were closed. Gina led Kaidan over to the bed, for once not self-conscious about the artificial limbs that gleamed dully under the starlight. They seemed a small price to pay now that she had come face to face with the alternative; now that she had seen real people reduced to husks and had seen what might have been. Hating the limbs seemed petty now, especially when she moved and felt as well as ever.

 _ _I'm still human,__ she thought fiercely as she held Kaidan in the silence of the room, darkness folding tight around them as they lay together, recovering from the horror of the day.  _ _No matter how much of me I lose, I still feel the way I always did; I still love Kaidan, I still hate Cerberus, and I'm not going to let this kind of cruelty happen ever again.__

"Gina?" Kaidan's breath was warm against her cheek as he spoke, his voice husky. "I want to spend our shore leave alone, just the two of us. I have something I need to ask you. Something I've been meaning to ask for a long time."

Her stomach fluttered as his arms tightened around her, his hold possessive, and she nodded. "I think the gang will want to catch up at some point, but other than that we'll spend it alone. Just you and me. I promise."

"Good." He relaxed slightly, and she wondered if he'd been worried that she'd say no, that she would want to share herself with the others as always did.

But she didn't.

She didn't want to be Commander Shepard any more, at least not while they were on shore leave.

 _And when the war was over …_ She let the thought hang, the tempting idea of no longer having to struggle or fight, of no longer having to hold a gun or take lives dangling before her.

Maybe when the war was over she could finally see what else the world held for her, what other adventures she and Kaidan could have when they weren't fighting, and running, and shooting, and struggling. Weariness weighed heavily on her, but underneath it, burned hope at the thought that one day she could walk away from this life, and she kissed Kaidan's cheek as she imagined retiring with him.

In the darkness of the room, wrapped tightly in his arms, she nestled close to Kaidan, basking in his warmth and dreaming of everything she'd always wanted as she drifted off to sleep. A flower garden, a white picket family home, and small dark haired children that looked suspiciously like Kaidan.

… and maybe even a big stupid dog to be friends with Nero the cat.

* * *

 

_A/N – I hope you enjoyed this chapter. The next chapter will be special. Very special. Kaidan is finally going to ask Gina to ... well ... you'll see! ;)_


End file.
